3 Days and Counting.....

I think my husband is trying to kill me, or he wants me to kill him ... either way someone in this house is probably going to HAVE to die!!!

DH calls me Friday afternoon and asks what my thoughts are on a new TV... I didn't think that we really needed one, but he has been wanting a new one for a while now. In the past say year, before we got our new furniture, we had discussed a new Hi-def TV and entertainment center. The new entertainment center would be needed because the one we had is a) to small for the tv he wanted, and b) the wrong color of our new coffee and end tables. So when he comes home from work, Kent and I are told that we will be going out to eat, and then to Sears to pick up said new TV... I thought this odd because Sears isn't where the tv and ent. center I thought we were getting was sold. But alas, my husband has decided that his sights were just to lofty for his wallet (not really, but who knows what the hell men really think) and he had decided that he no longer wanted to invest in a new ent. center. Ok, fine I realize that at this point an argument isn't going to get me anywhere, so I go along to see just what it is that he has decided he is going to buy. Well, after spending over an hour and a half eating at R*by T**sd*ys, and totally being disappointed AGAIN, we march off to find out that our little Sears is now closed at 6:30. On. A. Friday. Night. Are you freaking kidding me here??? Apparently they don't stay open past 6 pm for fear of making some extra weekend cash, who knew. So off to the house we go empty handed. Well, shit, no new toys tonight.

I was up just bright and early with visions of insulin needles dancing in my head, and couldn't get back to sleep after having to fight with 2 dogs over my little blanket, so I am up, and it is now 7 am. Saturday. There was some discussion the night before as to whether we should also replace the 10 year old shelf stereo that we have hooked up for "surround sound" to our very shortly to be replaced tv, so I get into W*l-M*rt mode, sans internet, and find a very nicely priced system that will very surely fill our needs. After Kent gets up, eats, and we handle the run to the dump, we were off to town once again... Well, wouldn't you know, said Sears doesn't even sell our new TV, and what in the hell made the Man think they would??? My house is bigger then the square footage in that whole damn store.... ahhh, but I have to admire the saleswoman who tried in vain to convince us that we HAD to have a HDTV flatscreen cuz they were THE best.... Yeah whatever, I know that you work on commission, and I want THAT tv which your store doesn't posses..... Buh bye. Off to Wally World. Do you think they have what I need??? NOPE. In their defense the store is getting ready to close to move a larger (THANK THE GODS) location, so they are a little low on inventory. Just my Luck!!!! Hot Dogs for lunch and back home. Well, needless to say our next chance at this TV finding us requires a one hour (if Clark drives) trip to Virginia... SHIT. I hate driving up there. But alas, the TV beckons to Clark as if his life depended on it, and the Wally World 10 blocks away was sure to have the surround sound we wanted (way bigger store!!) Mind you it is now 4:30 pm as we all climb back into the van and head out. Now herein is where my problem lays, mostly. I have been VERY, and I do mean VERY Bitchy the last 3 days. Maybe it is the Lupron, but maybe it is the snotty remarks Clark keeps making everytime I mention getting pregnant this cycle. He thinks that I am getting way to excited. Are you kidding me. It was the due date thing again he tells me in the van. Well, then forget I even mentioned it for crying out loud!!! We got the TV, the surround sound system, Advil (desperately needed by me at this point), dinner at a place I love, and made it back home by 8:30. And he was still alive. We take everything out of the boxes, hook it up, and of course you know there is an issue. So, after listening to him whine for over 2 hours, I finally figured out what was wrong.... let him fix it, and sent his ass to bed!!! Who knew a TV could be such a strain on a person. I have to admit that I am disappointed that we ended up with a smaller TV then we had been talking about, and no new ent. center, (because we all know that oak and cherry so clash) mostly because it was something that we have been talking about for so long, and I really would have waited a few more months to save the money.... I never will understand that man......

Not luvin' this Lupron...

So far ... terrible headache, and the Ovaries were "making noise" all day long... I guess I am thinking that they are trying to pull the cyst stunt from October again, and get me canceled. If it goes on like this all weekend, I am gonna call the clinic Monday to let them know ... no sense it getting to day 14 and getting crushed. Maybe I am one of those people who can't take Lupron, although I searched this damned Internet, and was hard pressed to find anything noted about any other ovaries pulling what mine did. So, that further makes me wonder... UGH, this is how it starts ... the self doubt, good lord I hate doing this to myself, but it is like I can't help it. This cycle won't be any different then the rest of my life!!

I did something very premature the other day, and I think Clark was pretty mad about it, but didn't come right out and say it. See, I got a site sent to me that calculated the prospective due date of a child conceived during IVF. So I put in a date of Jan. 21 assuming that would be 10 days of stims, so that would prolly be ER day. Well, imagine my surprise when the due date was just off Clarks's by 4 days, I told him, and he was really irritated that I did that. Sometimes he is so hard to read.

I know that he wants to protect me, and I love that about him, but good lord what is it going to hurt to look something like that up?? I mean really it isn't like I went out and bought 3 grand worth of nursery furniture or something like that. But, I know that he knows that I will have that date stuck in my heart now..... Like I said this is the story of my life!!!

And So It Begins.......

Lupron in the Morning

So, I am now sitting here listening to my hubby snore like a madman due to the fact that, he who had no sympathy for me last week/end, is now so sick he is sleeping sitting up. I also just found out that 4 day old sushi is not a good idea either... YUCK!!!

I had this amazing post all typed up, and was about to hit send when the whole system shut down on me.... The freaking cat, who has taken to sleeping under the computer desk where the doxies used to be, just rolled right over on the damn surge protector and shut the damn thing off... CRAP!!! I should tell you his name is Satan for a reason.....

I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. As for me my Christmas was ok, nothing worth jumping all over about, just ok. I have been blessed with so many friends though, and getting cards from all of them is always so nice. The only bad thing this year was the lack of my intelligence to obviously inform EVERY person that got a card from me as to the "state of the union" because I got 3 cards today, and have 8 total in which I have been asked the "addition/s to the family" question. Now you would think that most of them would get the hint when they got a photocard that just had the 3 of us in it, and no letter making any announcements to the effect of an addition anytime soon. I blame myself for this though because up until I found out just how damn infertile I was, I wasn't worried about sharing my little problem, but now that IVF is being "forced" on me that freedom to discuss has changed. I just don't know how people will react to the path we have taken, and frankly I don't care, so I would rather just not give them a chance to piss me off!! I mean people have been outright disrespectful at the fact that we adopted an older, physically disabled child from the foster care system, and I was honestly shocked at the STUPID things people said to me ... including some members of my very own family. But hey they can all kiss my ass, that is MY SON, and I don't care how he came to me just that he is here (even if we do have a lot of bad days right now, I still love him with all my heart!!) and it is noones business why. So I guess I am just beginning to wish that I had never mentioned it at all, but then I would still be fending off dumbass questions anyway ... it is a Lose/Lose situation. I normally do a letter letting everyone know what has been going on this year, and since all that has happened in the last few months I really just didn't feel like doing one this year, I mean what will I start off with... Well, once again, the powers that be have denied us a biological child for yet another year.... Yeah that would have gotten some phone calls I can promise you!! So, for the sake of self preservation, I just decided that the card was going to be FINE this year w/o a letter.

So, on to the thought that Clark had yesterday in the kitchen.......

Him... Oh damn, I think that I have to renew my license this year don't I??

Me... Yeah I think they do the 5 year thing.. you know 25, 30, 35....

Him... Holy shit that means that I will be 35 this year... OMG I am sooo old!!

Me... yeah and you will hit that birthday before our prospective child, should this cycle pan out, be born....

Him... Holy shit I am really getting old........

I cannot tell which is more traumatic to him having to get a new license due to being 35, or the fact that he will be 35 period... I don't think the dad thing even got through to him!!! It just doesn't touch him like it touches me at all, and I don't think it ever will.

So X-mas day gave me a little slap in the face... I posted when my in-laws were here visiting about Clark's Niece being PG again, and I was really shocked to hear that they just found out the sex last week (Boy by the way). It was then that it hit me, she has been pregnant for quite awhile. My MIL dropped that bomb on me after I tried, in vain I am sure, to convince her that I like the sweatsuit she got me.... And then like 5 minutes later it hit me that she is a lot further along then I thought she was. Hmmmm that makes me sad. Only because it must be nice to get pregnant only 9/10 months after your first one was born, and you weren't even trying. I wish I had the luxury of not even trying. So, I guess that made my day a little bitter sweet.

I am sure that you can see that my level of excitement for this cycle is pretty low, infact I am getting edgier by the day. Tomorrow morning starts the lupron again, and I am just crossing my fingers that this time the crap does what it is supposed to do!! I do want this to work, but I have got to stay sane with the thought that is probably won't just so that I keep from being crushed beyond repair. A friend asked me if I was tired of going through all this, and I told her that "No, I am not tired. I am so fucking exhausted I could care less at this point." So that is where I stand right now. 14 years has put a lot of hurt in my heart, and taken a lot out of my soul, so I guess when you fight this long, and finally start to get somewhere, the progress in itself seems so infinitesimal. It isn't that I don't care anymore, but for the sake of sanity, I have had to lower the bar that I used to hold my body to!! I am being positive, I swear, I just have to protect myself to.

So, I am off to bed as I am still not feeling very well, and I haven't been sleeping the last 2 nights either. Good Night.

It's almost time to start again...

Oh the time has flown... I have been so freaking busy this week I totally forgot to update....

Well the IVF nurse called me on Monday afternoon to tell me that our cycle was a go!! So on the 28th of December I start the Lupron, the 4th of January I take my last BCP (THANK GOD!!), and then the 11th of Jan. I start Stims... Pray like hell that this all works out or I may lose my mind!!! I had to go up on Tuesday to pick up the BCP's to get me the rest of the way til the 4th, and the office manager said I didn't look or sound very excited... I just smiled and told her that I was practicing self preservation!!! I am excited, but I refuse to get worked up anymore!! So that is it on that front for now.....

My van got fixed, but I almost blew a gasget when they made me pay for the rental... I was like WTF?? You have never made me pay ever before, so what is this now??? The repairs were covered under the warrenty, so I didn't expect to have to pay for a rental. I was so freaking hot I payed it but I am going to call the corperate office and let them know that is total BS.... Esp since it took them 4 days to figure out there was even anything wrong with the damn van in the first place!!! ASSHOLES!! UGH.

So Christmas will be here in just over 30 hours, and I am soooo looking forward to it being over. I have not felt it this year, even worse then last year... infact we just put our tree up last night... And that had everything to do with Clark.... I guess I better get with the program huh?? It is just so hard to feel anything other then miserable.

I have spent most of the last 4 days laying on the couch sick as a dog anyway, so I guess that gives me a little out. I have a chest/sinus thing going on, and actually started getting a fever yesterday. Then last night my ears and throat started hurting really bad... I just hope that I feel better by the time we get up X-mas morning.

There is a lot going on in my head that I will tell you about in a day or so.... but for right now it is better left unsaid....

It never quits I swear....

Well, ok, so I never heard back from the docs about the kidney thing until Friday... they still are very unsure as to how and when to proceed, so I am stuck in limbo again. Hopefully I will hear somethng by Monday afternoon.

My van is in the shop, so that nixed my planned trip this weekend because I cannot take Kent anywhere in the rental car that I have. His wheelchair doesn't fold up anymore, and this trip involved 15 hours of driving. Needless to say he is pretty frusterated and upset with his mom right now, but hey he will get over it, these things were beyond my control.

I emailed the IVF nurse on Thursday night and she emailed me back Friday saying that Dr B was in surgery and that she would call me on Monday to let me know what she said. I have to call the Bus. office on Monday to get our reapproval rolling, so that it is ready. She told me that I would prolly be a go because I won't hit the closure date with the lab, so in a small sense I am getting excited, but I am dreading this whole thing getting started again. It is to weird because I have looked forward to this for as long as I can remember, but the last few months since surgery and DX seemed to have skewed my perceptions of everything that life has to hold. I am not sure of anything anymore, and it bothers me that my heart isn't in this in the way that it used to be. I spoke a few posts ago of a decision that I had come to reguarding all of this, and there it goes:

If we do these 3 IVF's, and still end up w/o a baby at the end, then we are done. No adoption, no foster care, no more treatments. Done. That was my decision. We have Kent, and in just a few years he will be going off to college and we will be empty-nesters. At this point with all tha has gone on in the last few months I am fine with this. I am getting to old (in my own opinion) to keep up this adventure. I want to go back to school, and travel with my husband. I have already had a very long time to mourn my fertility, so that isn't even going to be an issue if we don't get pregnant. I have accepted that I will in most likelyhood not walk away from this with a child, but that is ok with me honestly. I have delt with it, and I am prepared for it. With that being said..... today is CD9, and I should be starting Lupron on the 29th of this month barring any unforseen circumstances!! But then we all know that this is me I am talking about.......

Have you ever???

Felt like an ass because someone had something you wanted, and it made you so jealous that you were shocked with yourself?? Well I have been like that because an old friend of mine has just adopted for the second time, and with such amazing ease that I could just scream. Not that she doesn't deserve to be happy, but just because it seems to be so flawless for her. She told me once before the cries of the first little cutie pulled us apart, that she never planned on doing the adoption thing again, that being a mother wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and that she just couldn't see doing it ever again. So then you explain to me why it is that just short months after arriving in a country that doesn't generally allow adoption to foreigners that she is the proud mother of a newborn baby?? When I got that email it stopped me cold before I opened it. It had been almost 6 months since we had last exchanged 4 sentence emails in which I found out that she was off into the world again, and it was a group email at that to which I responded. So here I sit mad at her, and mad at myself for being mad. How crappy is that??

It kills me because I am a good person, I do everything that I can for others, yet I cannot get my hands on the prize. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE Kent with all that I have, and all that I am, but I long so much to be able to hold a baby in my arms, full of the future with all of us in it. I long to shape that little life into something great, and up until this point, I have been denied that by everyone, including my very own body. So that is where I stand. I love my friend dearly, I miss her, and all of the late night talks we had, but she has acquired for the second time the quintessential thing that will inevitably split two friends who share infertility. A newborn baby.

I am a horrible friend....

I have been avioding a friend that I have had for years because she had a baby, and I couldn't, that damn jealousy again. Well, for the last few weeks she has been dealing with something horrible with her little girl, and like a heal I can't answer my phone now either because I feel like an asshole. I have a speacial needs child, but he was like that when he came to live with me, I cannot imagine it being my biological child, and what she must be going through. Ahh but don't take that wrong either, it is hard with Kent, but he was already in his wheelchair, and had delt with his cancer by then. But to be totally honest, she isn't the only one I have cut myself off from lately. All of my friends have become hard to talk to... part of the reason is that I used to light right up and smoke all the time while I was talking. Well, since I quit smoking it is just hard for me to even talk on the phone if you get my drift... I always want to light up when I get on it. It really is hard to do things that I used to be able to smoke while doing... like driving. I never smoked in my house, so that isn't to hard. But the other reason is that most of them just don't understand why I am so damn miserable right now. I can't talk to people who cannot feel the depth of my pain... can you???

It only gets closer.....

So, I went to hide from the world again the last few days.... everything just seems to be spinnning out of control again, and I hate it being the control freak that I am. I was blindsided on Friday by the U/S tech who called in a doc to look at the old right kidney... I guess it not only has an odd shape, but it has some anomalies on it.... JOY OH FREAKING JOY!!!!! You have got to be kidding me... just for once can something NOT be wrong with me??? So I have to wait for my doc and the Rad doc to chat and see if they need to biopsy the anomalies, which may or may not take just a needle, or possibly a hospital stay. This could ruin some very important plans that I have for this coming weekend, I am not happy about it, and neither is Kent.

I haven't put up my tree yet, and I am not sure that I want to. Things just seem to not hold an importance for me like they used to. I haven't even done our cards yet, and I usually have them ready and out by now... but I haven't done a photot yet, and I love sending out photo cards... but alas that is just one more thing my heart isn't in. Of course it could be that I have already given Clark his biggest gift.... (Yeah, Yeah, but where in the hell was I supposed to hide a 5 foot tall tool chest??) and mine is going to be done on thursday... we (I) are getting HughesNet (satellite internet for the house, that is my Xmas gift. Of course Kent got tons of stuff already again, but most of it is little in size. Our tree is HUGE and such a pain in the ass to put up, that it has been something I do not look forward to at all anymore. Like I said it just doesn't hold the same fasination for me that it used to... frankly it is just one more year that I don't have.....

Today was CD3 and I just sat here all day staring at the phone... I prolly should have called the IVF nurse, no I should have called her so that all the ins shit can be in order just in case I get to cycle this coming month, but hell that has all of the fasination that Xmas holds for me anymore. Maybe it is just the fact that I have a terrible feeling that I will fall on my face again, or better yet, walk right through this cycle with ease and end up with nothing to show for it on the other side. I guess a lot of this feeling has to do with the fact that the more I learn about all the wonderful things Endo can, will and has done to my body that I wonder why I am even bothering. What will my daughter (should I have one) have to look forward to because her mother was so selfish as to want her. What quality of life will I have with my child(ren) once they are here if I am as ill as often after them as I am now?? These are the things that I struggle with everyday..... and I get pissed off more everyday. I have wanted to call my mother on more then one occasion and just scream at her because of all of this. But it isn't her fault... she didn't know. But I do. Can I pass this on to a daughter knowing how horrible my life has been because of it?? I pray every day that "God" will tell me what to do, or send me a sign of some kind... anything. Everyday I sit here in the silence with no answer yet, and do it all over again. I don't think it is ever going to end. I may call the IVF nurse tomorrow, and I may not....

Which end is Up???

Well, as you can see I have left you hanging again... I honestly sit down at my computer 10 times a day to write a post, and then never get it done. I have become a Blog Whore. I would rather sit for hours and read other Blogs then attend to mine... I guess I am just tired or typing the same old bitter bullshit everytime I sit here, not to mention the depression that is so much a friend to me that I am begining to think I might have to stop feeding it or beat the hell out of it to get it to leave!! It really has become a palpable presence in the house, and I think even the dogs feel it. It really hit me yesterday when my third Christmas card of the season arrived.... with the smallest sentance at the bottom....... Congratulations on Kent joining your family. Maybe your family is larger by now?? Yeah, and I tried desperatly to catch that monkey that flew out of my ass last week to... but that little shit was just to fast!!!!! Hmmm do I sense a tad of bitterness??? Gee ya think?? I have tried very hard to be nice about babies, and all things baby, but there are times when my heart aches and longs so much and so hard that I cannot hide the jealousy. It hurts to much to keep it inside.

Someone I know is becoming a mother this week, and I am angry about it... She is a great mother from what little bits I have seen. We used to be very close, but you know how that goes, sadly babies have a way of putting distance between ones who have them, and ones who don't.

I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet right now, but my heart hurts so hard. I can't climb out of this freaking hole that has in the last few months become my life, and it is really starting to get to Clark and I both. Sleep is all I want to do, and I even tried getting out of the house, but was terribly desperate to get home to my comfort zone so as to know that I was in control of my space again.

My doctors visit last week Wendsday went great, my labs were perfect, I got a flu shot, and an order for a kidney U/S, and out the door. Went and did a little shopping and home. Thursday I wasn't feeling to well all day, and by the time Clark got home I had been intermittantly been dry heaving for about 2 hours. It got worse from there, and I would just stop and heave at a seconds notice. Needless to say that is not a good thing to be doing all over the house. So Clark told Kent to get ready for bed early so that I could help him, and then I was sent off to bed for the night. I was trying to plan a supprise trip for Friday to the other side of the state, and when I woke up at 10:30 AM, I felt grand!! Ahh, but then I ate, and the food decided that it was not happy where it was... temp was 105, and 102 hmmm I didn't feel that hot!! So I call the PCP's office, and she reminds me about the flu shot I got.. DUH. Not to mention I should really have looked for the good thermometer... 99.2... Imodium, pepto, and some Tums, and by 1:30 I was out of the house, and on my way to visit a very dear friend. 6 hours later, and I pull up in her driveway planning to suprise her, only to find she isn't home!!! Ahhh at least her husband is there with the little ones so that I didn't have to sit in my car for hours. She was suprised, and we sat up late talking and having a ball. She is one of my best friends, and it was like we hadn't been apart!! Not to mention that she has 2 of the cutest little girls on the planet...one of which I was seeing for the first time!! We shopped and had so much fun on Saturday that Sunday morning came way to fast. I left there and drove back home in record time, got take out for the guys before I got here, and went ever so greatfully to my own king sized, pillow topped bed... I love ya girl, but that BED was HORRIBLE!!! :o) I guess that is what I get for showing up unannounced!!!

Monday was Kent's Oncology appointment. We are still NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!!!! I was irritated though because 3 of the docs weren't there. I really needed to speak to the rehab doc, and now that I am paying for the visits, I would like them to show the hell up!!! Good lord I mean what is the freaking point of the "team" approach if half of the team isn't there???? Oh well rant over. Kent is now on meds for his headaches, although I am not sure how I feel about it because they are also antidepressants... so iffy for me to want him on them, but I will see how it goes.... Other then that things were great. He wasn't feeling well when we got home, and actually went to bed at like 4 pm. Poor baby. He was ok the next morning though, and went back to school.

Clark and I were both sick on Tuesday, he came home from work, and I was pretty much in and out of bed most of the day... you would think that I would be used to the pill by now, but it is still screwing with me, either that or I had a touch of something, again!!

I have my U/S appointment on Friday, but I am sooo not looking forward to it... I have to drink no less then 32oz's of water one hour before the scan, and then you are NOT ALLOWED TO PEE until the U/S is done... are they kidding me??? I just had surgery on my bladder and haven't pee'd right since!! GREAT!!! LOL that joke is on me!!!

Thinking about calling the IVF nurse to see where I stand, but I am not sure yet... I will let you know.... and with that I am off to bed!!!!

Did you miss me???

Well, I know I have been bad, but I sorta have an excuse... I have been really busy!! I have been trying to get in all the doctors visits that I can before the end of the year to get all caught up on our various health issues that have suffered the last few months. I want to get everything caught up so that when I cycle again after the first of the year I don't have so much on my plate.

My dad and step-mom had to cancel for Turkey Day which made me sad, but I invited a dear friend and her kids over (her DH is out on a 6 month deployment) and we had a blast. There was so much food, and it was nice having her and her girls to hang out with. They ended up staying the night that night so that she and I could make it Black Friday shopping the next morning. That went off so so as she wasn't able to get everythig that she needed, but I picked up some stuff for Kent. I decided that for the most part this year everyone is getting cookies, and I have been baking like a mad woman so I really didn't have to much shopping to do other then for the guys, and that I got done all this week either at the stores or online. I just don't know what to get people, and everyone loves cookies!!! There are some people that I got small special gifts for, but for the most part it is just COOKIES!! LOL

I went to the Doc for my annual exam on the 21st. Hmmm, I am not to sure how well he and I are going to get along, but he is just my PCP, and I need to find a GYN anyway. I wasn't really comfortable with him that is all. I guess it was the question he asked me after we had gone over my history, and then he looked at the drugs that I take, and asked me why in the world I was on Birth Control if I was trying to get pregnant... uh ok let me splain.... LOL, I have my follow up with him in the morning for the bloodwork that he took when I was there, we will see how that goes.

I have been seeing my therapist every week for the last few months, and I think that she has really helped me to start working on some things that I never even realized were there. It has been very eye opening, and I honestly hope to keep working on things with her. A lot of it has to do with how I feel about Kent, the things that he does, and how it relates to my past, and the feelings I have about it. You can't imagine what have a special needs child can make you feel at times unless you have been there, and while I try very hard to sympathize with him there are times when I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel like I might snap. That usually happens on a day when I am not feeling like dealing with the BS that he seems to only toss my way when I am lacking the patience of a saint. I know that he is 15, and that this is what they do, but I swear he knows when I am vunerable, and goes for the jugular!! We had a huge fight this week about his lying, and I flat out told him that I won't tolerate it, and that if he feels the need to keep lying to me about stupid, and I mean stupid, stuff then I will just start pulling privledges at will. So last night he lied to me about putting a cover on something that he was microwaving... Lost the Dance on Friday... OMG you would have thought I shot him!!!! Although I gave him the chance to switch it with something else today because he is supposed to take pictures for the yearbook and the newsletter that night. I told him that he would be without a stereo for the next 2 weeks, and he was like fine whatever. Boy what I wouldn't give to be so young and carefree again!!

Well, once again, it is late, I am tired, and I have an appointment in the AM, followed by lunch with my Hunny after, not to mention returning some stuff. I will try to get in a longer post about the goings on in my brain in a day or so, cuz there is a lot in there!! :o)

Re-Intro

Well, I guess I should start off by re-introduce myself..... I am Rebel, a 33 year old who was just recently DX'd with stage 3 Endomitriosis during a Lap. I have known since I was 17 that I had PCOS, and thought that was the root of all of my Infertility problems... But I was oh so wrong. My husband Clark and I have been married for 12 years. We have an adopted son who is 15 years old, Kent, who I totally adore with all that I am. K has been with us just a few short years, first as a foster child. We live in "Rural Ranchland", USA. I have another blog in blogland, but I have to many people IRL who know about it, and it has become to hard for me to share my deepest, and darkest yet honest feelings about my day to day life there, so I decided that I needed a place all of my own that noone knows about to start over. I have moments of clarity that shock the hell out of me, and that I know would shock the hell out of some of the people who read me there, so I have chosen to become "Me" again here on these pages, and possibly learn to love myself again. I am not an altogether brilliant writer, but I have my good days, and my bad days, as those dealing with Infertility will surely understand. So sit back and enjoy the ride into IVF with me after so many long years of waiting.... So here you are....

Oops, I did it again....

Got cancelled that is.... go figure. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Went to see the doc this AM, and my cysts have resolved, and I have no lining, but she isn't sure why I haven't had a period, but she said that I was right with my math, and that there was no way that we would get in an IVF before the end of the year!!! I hate MATH!!! So this is the plan, 42days, yeah I said 42 days of BCP's. Crap I thought I was having a long road the last time, but this is gonna do me in!!! I have to take them for 6 weeks straight, no sugar pills, just the BCP's, and then we will go from there. I have to call and get the new schedual from the IVF nurse so that I know when I can start with this next cycle so that when the lab opens again I will be ready!!! I am sitting here having a glass of wine, and wishing I had a cigarette!!! Oh I tell you that has been something that has been on my back all freaking day. When I get bad news I smoke or eat, that is how I am. Since I can't eat because of the BCP's making me so sick, the smokes are the thing I am craving the most!! God, give me the strength not to do it!!!

Well I am gonna go for the night, I need to sleep....

It is Neverending.....

Well, I am sure that everyone is sick of reading about all the negativity that I seem to have had lately, as evidenced by some of the emails I have gotten, but without being honest about how I feel deep inside, what is the point of even having this journal??? (this was my reason for moving here to Blogger mostly) I mean give me a break, Infertility is so damn depressing that it is SICK!! I cannot get away from it, it is there every morning when I have to take a Birth Control Pill (LOL) and everyday when I sit in my empty house doing nothing... So it is the biggest struggle that I have in my life, therefore it consumes a lot of my journal. Yes there are days when I just want to curl up and die with the heartache, but does that mean I am going to attempt suicide?? Uh NO... I have a 15 year old son and a husband who need me, and I would never do something like that... I have been down that road before, and I am nowhere near it right now. I know that it is hard to grasp the deperation if you have never been down this road, but if you have then you know exactly what I am talking about. It is a world full of a dispair, darkness, doubt, and hearbreak. I cannot help what I feel, and I cannot help that I feel like I have to be so brutally honest about how I feel, I guess that is just me, and if that offends or bothers you, then don't read. I am not one of the people who writes warm fuzzies everytime I post just because that is what I think people need to read, I post what I feel. I am not trying to be a bitch, but this is my space, and my struggle, if honesty isn't your thing, then please don't read this blog.

That out of the way, I still haven't gotten a visit from the Ol' Hag, so I put a call into the RE's office yesterday, and then again today... suprise they didn't call me back yesterday.... When the nurse finally called me back, I told her still nothing as of today which is CD28, and the fact that I took my last pill this AM, not to mention it was the last "sugar" pill, so somwhere my body skipped yet another beat. She told me I needed to come in in the AM for an u/s and bloodwork, but that I should take an HPT tonight... OMG!! LOL!! Yeah right, lets see... I don't ovulate, and my tubes are blocked, so where in the hell do they think is the point is wasting my money on a pregnancy test??? Oh the Irony!!! So, I set the appointment, and the nurse calls back a few minutes later and tells me that she talked to Dr. B, she deffinately wants to get some bloodwork and an u/s, that she needs me to have a "bleed" and that this is very perplexing to her. Just what I need to hear... once again I have perplexed the Doc... LOL So I have to be there at 11:30 tomorrow, and I am not sure that I will see my doc, but I hope so. The hardest thing about this is that I will not get to cycle this month, so we are done for the year. I cannot get in under the wire on starting Stims before they close the lab for the year. So, thanks to this body I live in it will be January before we can start anything again. I spent most of the afternoon crying and sleeping. Clark was home today because he had Jury Duty so he let me sleep and then woke me up for dinner. I didn't even want to get up, but I did just to spend time with him and Kent. I don't get this crap, I even quit smoking to make this work....

The weather here was shitty all day to, so that didn't help much with my depression!! Not to mention that the doc wants me back on one of the meds on a list that he gave me, and I cannot see how any of the ones that he gave me to look up are any better then the Seroquel that I just quit taking. I cannot see putting any future child I may have at any risk besides the ones that they will already have. I looked all of them up and they are all class C drugs, and so new that there is no real research on the side-effects on a fetus. Good grief I haven't even gotten pregnant yet, and I am so consumed with what I am going to do to this little life just because a doc thinks that I need drugs to maintain. I told him the last time I saw him that I was doing a lot better off of the Seroquel anyway, a lot less fussy with Kent and all that, and that yes right now I have been having more depression, but hell who wouldn't?? I don't know what to do.... I am hoping that when I am at the docs tomorrow I can talk to them about the meds to. I am still on the anti depressant, but I just don't feel like I need the other one at all.

My dad called today and said that he isn't coming for Thanksgiving after all. They had called last week, and said that they were finally going to come out for a few days and what were we doing for turkey day, Nothing, so they said they were gonna come out. Well, I guess that he couldn't get the time off after all, so it had to get nixed. I might get to see them soon though, but not sure. Since I am not cycling this next month I might get to go on a little road trip. Not sure how much I can say here because it would be a suprise, and I am not sure if the people read this... LOL I know it is killing me to cuz I want to share!!!

Well, I am going to head off to bed, I will update about the doctor visit tomorrow night. Clark and I will be going out to dinner cuz Kent has a dance at school so that should be a nice break... we did get to spend a lot of time together today since he was home, and it was nice. He is such a rock for me!!! I love that man soooo much!!

What do you want for Christmas???

Man is that a loaded question to ask an infertile woman embarking on a possible IVF cycle in a week??? Yeah it is, and boy is he lucky that he still has the right side of his head!!! I still haven’t been able to tell him anything for over a week, so I just told him that I want nothing…. That’s right NOTHING… If I cannot have what I want then I want nothing at all. Spoiled rotten yeah I know…. But that was the one thing I really wanted this year, a baby. A cute, cuddly little person made of the two of us who will be so perfect in every way. I wanted to be shopping for infant toys for our new baby for Christmas, and watching our child grow and interact with Kent. But alas, every day of this year has almost slipped away yet again, and it is one day closer to the end of the 365 days that will soon be known as 2006. I am so sick and tired of trying to smile when I am dying inside. I just want to lay in my bed and not move, I no longer want the world to revolve for me. See I know that there is some profound reason that I do not have a child yet, but it is so hard to choose from the list, it is a long one, and there are many layers to it… kind of like an onion… I keep peeling, and honestly I cannot decide if it is me or the inner workings of my brain that is trying to make me feel “better” for not being able to achieve this pregnancy thing. I am beginning to wonder if I really give a shit anymore, or if that is just my heart trying to brace itself for the inevitable… Crap I am sooooo over this bullshit that has become my life. Why do I even care?? I mean really why should I want to tie myself down with a baby when my son will be going off to college in just a few short years, and the only other obligation that I have is my dogs and cats??? I don’t know. Why do I want to waste all that money when all Clark wants to do is buy an RV so that we can go all over the country side with above mentioned dogs as one big happy family.

My horrorscope for yesterday said this….

Dear Rebel, Here is your horoscope for Sunday, November 12: The good news is that a long-standing issue is about to be resolved, and you don't need tons of cash, fame or power to fix it. What has to happen is much easier and subtler: Just change your mind.

OMG, I sooooo wish I had thought of that YEARS ago… Lord if I had just been that smart then I wouldn’t have tortured myself all this time for no damn reason what so ever... boy what a Machocist I am huh???

Don't you think I know that???

That is what I had to tell Clark for the last 3 days when he told me I looked miserable, and depressed out of my mind... Well Duh, but then my world did just come crashing down around me less then 3 months ago, but yeah you're right, I should just get over it and move on with life right?? WTF?? Are you kidding me here?? I have heard that not from Clark, but several other friends this week, and to tell you the truth I am sick to death of hearing that. My life has been turned upside down, it isn't something I can "fix", there is no coming back from this, I can't take a pill and get better, feel better maybe, but I will never get better!!!!!! I mean crap what the hell do people not get, I am pissed off, I am angry, and I am bitter. I am depressed because I will NEVER concieve a child in my body. Good lord, I would never tell anyone else that the time had come to move on and just get over it. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, there is a part of me so broken it cannot be fixed, and that makes me VERY SAD, so what?? It is like a part of me has died, and I have to carry a corpse with me for the rest of my life. I have really been going over so much in my head, and trying to figure out what my heart wants to do. I am not sure what my heart can handle anymore. I know it isn't like a person in my life has literally died, but figurativly speaking one has died. I am still doing the "Beat Myself Up" game even though I can't seem to win... hell will I ever?? Probably not. So, I look like a raving loon when I look in the mirror, apart from being just a tad to pale for my own good, but hey what do you expect when you hate the sun?? I have tried so freaking hard to pull out of this, and I just seem to get deeper in it... Yesterday I had therapy... I bawled the whole way there, most of the hour, and then most of the way home... stupid little things pop in my head, and the tears start to fall. I can't decide if this crap is the BCP's, or the Seroquel finally getting out of my system (which the doc is none to happy about!!) but I hope something gives cuz being this damn depressed is driving me NUTS!! LOL
I really have been trying to decide what in the hell I am doing here... I have been trying to keep an openmind and heart to make this decision, and I still haven't reached an answer... I keep taking the BC pill thinking that something is going to happen and I will have an epiphany and there will be no reason for me to torture myself anymore. Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy.

We had an ok day on Monday. Kent did just fine, and now all we have to do is wait. After his MRI, it was still pretty early, so I called Clark, and we all went out to lunch at a fav. place of Clark and I's that Kent had never been to. He liked it even though he really wasn't feeling to good, he said that his tummy was upset. After that I drug Kent to Barnes and N*ble so that he could get some new books... he is still w/o his TV, and games, so he was hitting rock bottom for stuff to read. It is funny cuz he is running out of stuff to get from the library at school... how sad is that??!! So we got him about 12 books.... quite a few classics so that he can read something other then the fantasy books that he really loves. But I know he will like the ones that we got to though, ones like Les Miserables, Around the World In 80 Days, Robinson Carusoe, Hound of the Baskervilles, and a few others I forgot... but you get the picture, stuff that he is going to have to read sooner or later. I also found a really interesting book on Endo, and I was truly shocked at some of the info in it... if only I had known....

I didn't post this before, but my freaking insurance company screwed me... they denied my appeal for coverage of my surgery, so I had to write a big freaking check to the hospital... Jack Asses, I swear that I am going to drop those jerks as soon as I can!! The funny thing is that with me having to pay that I reached my OutOfPocket for the year, so I am going to TONS of appointments befor the year ends so that I don't have to pay the co-pays!! LOL.... screw me why dontcha??? I guess I didn't complain enough before I went to the RE about stuff that they consider Endo related but not IF related, so since they claim it was all for IF, then it won't be paid for as a regular surgery. Stupid I know seeing as how I got that book yesterday, and realized that I aparently had symptoms all along, and never even knew it.... go figure, I didn't bitch enough for once in my life, and it cost me almost $1600.00. Lesson Learned!!!
So, report cards came home today, and it was tooooo funny.

Kent got 5 A's, 1 B, and one C. Boy was he pissed about that C... OMG he ranted for like an hour about how he just knew that he had done better in that class then that... it was so cute because he has come soooo far!! It used to be that a C was a cause to celebrate in his eyes, cuz it wasn't a D or an F!! He has just amazed me with how smart he is becoming, and how he just changes everyday!! He is such an awesome kid he really is!! If I never "have" another child I will sleep well knowing that I have done a good job with him!!! Now, if I could just get him to cut that damn hair!!! UGH!!!

The Furries are all doing ok.... this AM Satan(the cat) left mommy a nice little prize though... nothing like going for a drink, and finding 3 partially digested and then Yacked back up mice in the middle of the laundry room floor!!! HOW FREAKING NASTY!!!!!!!! I can handle a lot, but holy cow I almost barfed right then and there!!! That damn cat is gonna be the death of me I swear!! I took T and N to the vet for shots and stuff today, and they did great, it is just hard trying to keep the 2 of them from killing each other!! They both want to sit in the front seat to.....

I am still smoke free as of this posting, but damn it is sooooooo hard let me tell you!!!! I never thought it would be this bad, it hasn't been this hard before, but I am really trying hard to stick it out this time!! Oh well, off to bed, the night is so nice here that we have the windows open... it was 70 freaking degrees here today.... someone forgot to tell the sun that it is NOVEMBER!!! LOL!! I say that now, but give me a few more weeks, and I will be whining about the cold!!!

14 Years.....

Well, it was 14 years ago tonight that My dream came true in that I started dating Clark!!! My life was finally looking up, and even though it has been full of ups and downs, I wouldn't trade it or him for anything. It is so hard to believe that there is just one person who can make me smile no matter what is going on in our lives, with just a look or a touch. He is really the most amazing man. I can't imagine ever being without him. I don't ever WANT to be without him. That wonderful man is my rock, he is my sanity when I lose it, he is my everything. I really hope that everyone out there finds someone who completes them as much as Clark completes me. He is my Hero, my Best Friend, and a fantastic Father to Kent. Gosh I don't know if I can imagine what or who I would be without him, and I am glad that I can't!!

So, Kent's yearly MRI for his tumor is next Monday, and as usual, I am getting worried. I hate this time of the year, because it will be yet another month after Monday's scan til we see the docs, but glad that it is only once a year that we have to do this. I remember feeling like this every six months, and I hated it. I worry about him so much, and just pray like hell that he will still be NED or in remission. I can't even imagine life any other way, nor do I want to. So say a little prayer for my boy, that we get good news.

I know that my last post was pretty off the wall, and I wrote what I felt. I am doing a little better, taking life a day at a time. I have made some very solid decisions about my life, and I will let you in on them in another post. I have been on the Birth Control pills for 2 weeks now, and I really freaking hate them.... I stay sick to my stomach most of the day. YUCK!!

On a good note, I have not had a cigarette since Saturday the 28th of October. That may not seem like much, but I am already off the patches to. It has been a little hard, and I have struggled, but no breakdowns yet, and I am really going to do it this time, I HAVE to!!! I have started eating better to, and instead of junk when I want to smoke I grab an apple or some grapes... NO CANDY!!! Gum has been helping to!!

I am gonna head off to bed, I haven't been sleeping really well, so every little bit I can get is needed!!!!

I found it.....

I found it. The bottom of my soul. It isn’t pretty here at all. There is no light, no sunshine, no dreams to look forward to. Nothing. No happiness in everyday actions. There is nothing but heartbreak, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loss. I woke up this morning to a cloudy and gray day, and it didn’t matter to me that I couldn’t see the sun, because I don’t want to see it anymore. The sun represents something I can’t feel anymore. It represents light, warmth, and hope, and frankly here at the bottom of my soul there is none of that. There is no waking up from this dream and finding everything is going to be ok. It isn’t ok, and it never will be ok. I cannot decide if I am mourning for the loss of my fertility, the loss of my will, or just because I have finally realized that I have been lying to myself all these years. A baby will make me whole, that is the lie. Will it really, or will it just be one more thing in this life that will unsettle me. Have I spent so long fighting for this one thing because I HAD to do it, it was something that was the one thing I had lost control over. Control, is that what this is all about? Not the actual longing for a child like most women, but just the control?? I don’t know anymore. I used to, or I think I used to. Now I am just worried that a new life will upset what I have right now, the things that I can control. And that makes me angry. It makes me see just what a selfish person I am. It makes me sick that I have put myself and Clark through all of this, when deep down inside it was all about control. At least that is what I think it was about. See losing that control completely has forced me to step back and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I can’t beat my own body anymore, it has showed me that, it has control, not me. It runs me, it rules me, and once again it has shown me who is the boss. I just live here in my brain and have the hopes and dreams, but that body has to want to fulfill them, and I can see now that it doesn’t want to. It isn’t going to give me an inch. And, I honestly doubt if I can find the strength to fight it, or even if I want to. There has to be a reason that my body fights me so, it must know something that I either cannot see, or refuse to accept. Will this body even allow an IVF to work?? It has already stopped me in my tracks with the last attempt, and if I manage to get over on it and actually make it to a retrieval will I get any eggs, and if that happens, and God willing we actually have embryo’s to put back, what will my body do to those embryo’s?? I am so scared that my body will not allow me to get pregnant, that I am to the point of not even giving my body the chance to hurt me like that. I know that when I do a transfer I am putting our children back inside me, and that my body will control what comes next. I am scared to death of what my body will do with those little babies, and what my heart will be able to handle, if my body makes a bad choice. Or, will it be the right choice? Does my body know what my heart, brain, and soul are so totally unwilling to accept?? I don’t even know anymore, and I am scared, so freaking scared. God, I would give anything for things to be simple again. To be 23 and have the next 10 years to be unaware of what my body held for me at 33, how it was going to let me down, and erase every bit of sanity I thought I had. That is a struggle that is already hard enough for me. Sanity. Trying to keep it together everyday, is hard enough already, I didn’t need to know that my body has plotted against me to make that one task even harder then it already was. It is all so tiring that I can’t even get going during the day. I just want to sleep, and sit in front of the TV where I can watch other peoples lives, and not be bothered with living my own. I have to make no decisions when I do this, no doctors appointments, except therapy, even that is a struggle. She forces me to talk about all of this and makes it so real to me, when all I want to do is forget about it. But I go, and I get up everyday to, not that it matters much to anyone but me. I don’t have to get up at all, I really don’t. That is where I am right now. I haven’t had a shower in days, I don’t care either. I haven’t brushed my hair or my teeth in days. I haven’t changed my clothes in days. And I don’t care. I just don’t care.

Not Much Going On......

Well, not much is going on here. We had a quiet weekend just the 3 of us. Clark had Jury Duty on Monday so he got most of the day off. I had to go out to get some stuff taken care of, and remember why I moved to the country!!! The traffic up there is horrible!!! Those people cannot drive. I had to go to DSS to turn in some paperwork for our adoption subsidy, and while I was there I talked to our old worker. Then it was home and that took forever!!

The BCP's are killing me, I am so tired, and sick to my stomach all freaking day long, that it is getting old really fast!! Another thing I am concerned about it the schedual for this IVF. I printed out some blank calanders for Oct., Nov., and Dec. and if I go the full 28 day cycle, I will not be able to retrieve before they close the lab for the end of the year, not to mention that my transfer will be on Christmas Day. So I am hoping like hell that I don't take the full 28 days on this pack of pills so that this schedual will be a few days sooner then I have it right now. This is really driving me nutso!!! The one thing that has been helping is that I have stuck with seeing my therapist every week, and even though she might not know how I feel, she really gets me to talk about things and see them in a constructive way.

I am still working desperiatly on trying to quit smoking, and if I can't do it by the 2nd then I am going to either see a hypnotist, or ask the doc for some Zyban, cuz I hear that works good... but hey maybe the hypnotist will help with the stress of this IVF to... never know....

Oh well, I am off to bed, I have a quiet cleaning day planned for tomorrow, so no driving or stress for me!! LOL!! Goodnight.

I forgot.....

I forgot about something that the RE told me yesterday... she said that she was glad that my right ovary kept up with the left one, even though I had cysts. She was worried that with all the adhesions and the fact that it was "deformed" that it might not even work at all. I guess that is a good thing that came out of this, or at least that is how I am going to try to see it!! LOL I am worried though because by my math, I won't start stims early enough to miss the cut off for the end of the year lab closure. I am not sure though, it just seems like I am cutting it really close!!!
But anyway, I am off to bed, had a nap today and it threw me all of!! Oh yeah, and the Birth Control Pills SUCK!!!!!!!!!! That has got to be what is making me so sick to my freaking stomach!! GEEZ!!!

Just call me Murphy!!!

Well I woke up yesterday to one of the worst AF's ever!! So I go up to the Clinic, and ended up waiting over an hour, in which I worked on my journal. When the RE finally came in, she asked me what I was trying to do to her??!! LOL, I told her she was the one that put me on the Lupron. She had been out of town, and was reviewing the charts Thursday night for the next day when she saw my E2 level she said the first thought that she had was that it was a great number for a viable pregnancy and that she thought maybe I snuck one in there before we started the Lupron (not possible at all due to my tubes) and then she saw that Beta was Neg, so she was very worried. My E2 was 1700, so all those cysts/follies were cysts, and there wouldn't have been any eggs to retrieve. That is why they didn't call me back. She said that they call what happened a Lupron Flare, and that it is Very Rare, and usually never seen with PCOS patients, color me special!! She did another U/S and 2 of the cysts had ruptured, hence all my pain. My ovaries were still "kissing, but she said they had shrunk since Monday, so that was good. She said she was sorry that all this had happened, but she really didn't think that I would pull this on her!! So, I started BCP's yesterday, wait for AF, start a new pack, and then on day 21 of the pills we will add back the Luporn and pray for the best. So, if all goes well, I should be doing an actual ret. sometime mid December.

So that was my day... UGH I am so tired of this, and just want to sleep through the next month and a half!! At least I have Clark and Kent to distract me!! We picked Kent up from his school dance tonight, and then went out to eat at our favorite spot. I got sick as a dog, and after we came home I still was pretty ill. I am not sure if it is just nerves, or the Tylenol-3 the RE gave me for pain, but I spent half the night hung over the toilet heaving so hard I popped a rib... ugh now that is a whole new kind of pain let me tell you!!! I also think I blew another cyst this morning, that freaking hurt to!!! Good lord I feel like I am falling apart at the seams!!!! I guess this is the crap we do to ourselves in the pursuit of our dreams!! Oh well, til next time!!!

Sinking....

Well, after trying for the last 2 days to get someone at the clinic on the phone, I got a tad indignant, and finally got my nurse to call me back. I go in to see MY RE tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully get some questions answered about what went wrong. I started spotting today and it was really odd looking, not to mention the pain I have been having in my pelvic area, and Midol has done nothing for that at all!! UGH, so I will see what she has to say.... I have a list of questions to ask her, and this time I wrote them all down so that I don't forget them. I have been sitting in the house for 2 days now trying to figure out what to do, and if I really even want to keep on this road.... I know that sounds a little premature since we just started IVF, but it has been 14 years of dealing with this shit, and I am not sure just how much more I want to put myself through at this point. With the last 2 months being so heartbreaking finding out all that is wrong with BabyCentral, I just feel so fucking beat down, and the kicks just keep coming!! I am frankly not sure just how much more I can take without cracking wide open. I want to have a baby, but I am so tired of dealing with the fact that MY OWN BODY keeps betraying me at every freaking turn. I am just so tired of being at the mercy of a disfunctional reproductive system that I could PUKE!! I pray every night that something will give, that I will either get over my baby lust and move on, or that God will find me worthy of giving birth. I am sick of beating myself up everyday for not being able to control my own body enough to accomplish this one goal. I cannot believe that something like this consumes my every waking thought, and that I let it.... maybe that should show me just how sad this whole thing has become, it is an addiction, and I am a junkie. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with getting pregnant, that is how bad it is!!! Christ I sound like a freaking lunatic.
Well I guess I better go crawl into bed and get ready for yet another day in my life...

I HATE MY OVARIES!!!!!!!!!!

So, it seems that every time I have an update it is always bad news… maybe I should just give up the chase for motherhood, and be happy with what I have!!! I am so sick of the bullshit of infertility that I want to just scream… what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even get past the first step of anything without the world I live in collapsing?? Well, I guess you will want to know what this rant is about…

I started the Lupron (Ovarian Suppressant) on the 2nd of this month, and should have started my period within 10 to 14 days of starting the shots… well this weekend rolls around, and still no visit from the old hag, not to mention that I gained almost 15 pounds, my boobs are huge, and I have to pee every 5 minutes. My pelvis is so swollen and painful that sex was unbearable by last Saturday night. I was having all kinds of cervical mucus, and that didn’t seem odd to me at first, until an innocent comment from a friend who has done this about that meaning that my ovaries were working… uh wait, they aren’t supposed to be working right now, they are supposed to be resting…. Hmmm. So when there was no sigh of AF by Sunday night I called the IVF nurse and left a message, then called again Monday AM… well she finally called me back, and said that they needed to draw blood work, and do and U/S to see what was up. Well I had Clark and the in laws with me because we had been to lunch, and I was a little apprehensive to go with all of them with me. So, I get there, and after about 20 minutes they called me back, drew the blood, and put me in the U/S room. Well, in walks Dr. NoPersonalityOrSenseOfHumor who assisted on my surgery, he didn’t even know who I was, made me feel important!! LOL So, in goes DildoCam. Next thing I hear is Dr. NoPersonalityOrSenseOfHumor says “Holy Cow”, I asked what, and he turns the screen to face me, and there in all of their glory were my ovaries, Huge, full of cysts, and literally touching each other because they were so swollen. There were at least 10 huge cysts/follies on each ovary. We were both stunned. He looks at me and asks me when was the last time I was on clomid, I told him like 3 years ago. Well, his next questions is “Have you been taking your Stims already?? I told him no, in fact I hadn’t even picked them up from the pharmacy because I didn’t want to jinx myself. So he prints the pictures of HugeOvaries out, tells me to get dressed, and that he would see me outside. So, he lets me sit there for 10 minutes stewing in my own juices, and then tells me that he has to talk to the other clinic doctor. Well, Clark comes back, just as the two of them walk up, and Dr. S tells asks me if I am sure that I haven’t taken any stims… so I tell her no, and repeat the jinx thing. I did tell her about the mucus, and the boobs, and she said to me well these ovaries look like the ovaries of a person who has been on stims for at least 7 days and is ready for egg retrieval. Hmm, well nope I have only been on the Lupron so far, for 14 days, and nothing else. Then I think she said something about if I wanted to do a retrieval and see what we get, but in the back of my mind I remembered someone who had done that and got no eggs at all, so I said no, and then I knew what was coming next…. Well, then you are CANCELLED for the rest of this cycle… I just knew that one was coming, it had to be, because that is how things work in my life, NOTHING goes right, NOTHING. So she says we have 2 options, Birth control pills when AF finally comes for 3 weeks, and then the Lupron again, or wait 2 cycles, and then do the BC pills with the Lupron, but either way I can’t finish this cycle. I don’t remember much of what happened next because Clark just walked me through the office, got my pack of pills, and led me out the door, right in to the waiting room to face the in-laws. How humiliating. That is when the tears fell… I must have sobbed for 10 minutes before I could get it back together, the whole time apologizing to the 3 of them for the state of my emotions. Clark kept telling me it was ok, and this is just a little setback, but frankly I am so sick of the setbacks that I wanted to tell him to shut the hell up, but I couldn’t do that in front of his mom and dad. The rest of the day was a blur, and I am still trying to process what the hell went wrong. The beating up on myself has begun, and it will continue I am sure for weeks. I am sure that it has to be something that I did or didn’t do since this side effect is so freaking rare, but then that is the story of my damn life!! I even told my friend a few days ago about how weak I feel for not being able to want a baby bad enough to quit smoking. I have tried, I really have, but it just seems like no matter what I do those damn things are just to fucking important, more so then the one thing I have wanted the most for the last 20 years of my life. I am weak, and I know that, I have no willpower. So that ishow my first attempt at IVF will end, CANCELLED. What a feeling, didn’t even get halfway through it, and I am already done.

So, the whole week last week, I went nuts cleaning my house cuz the in-laws were coming, so that is why I just didn’t have time to update before now, not to mention the fact that I went to the Toby Keith concert on Friday night, and had a blast despite the discomfort in my pelvis. Saturday we cleaned and waited for them to come, but they got lost and got into town so late that we just decided to meet them for breakfast the next morning. We got up, go meet them at the hotel in town, and went to Golden Coral. Well, 10 minutes into our visit, out comes the News. Clark’s niece is pregnant again, and they weren’t even trying. Weren’t going to start until November or December, but got surprised a little early. GREAT, just what I needed. They just had a baby a little over a year ago. So the Blurt caught me totally off guard, and I looked at Clark, he just rolled his eyes. Breakfast went ok after that, and we all came out to our house, then decided to go to and visit the Aquarium. That was great, and we all had a blast, it was really nice. D (MIL) rode with me all day, and we had a good time talking. We had dinner at a place on the Beach, and it was really nice. After that the in-laws went back to their hotel, and we drove home. Well, on the way home I broached the subject of his niece being pregnant again, and Clark said that he was sorry, but that he had hoped that his mom wouldn’t say anything… uh huh?? Yeah he already knew, and didn’t have the heart to tell me knowing that it would hurt my feelings. I asked him how long he had known, and he said about 3 weeks. Nice. I told him that I loved him for trying to protect me, but that it would have been nice to have a heads up on that one!! What a man, I knew there was a reason I loved him so much… he never fails to amaze me with how much he tries to protect me!!

Well, you know about most of Monday already… the day from Hell… but that night we all had dinner here, and MIL was very impressed with my cooking, that made me feel really good!!!
Tuesday we decided to keep Kent out of school and Clark stayed home from work so that we could spend time with the In-Laws. We went bowling, which was so fun, then out to lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s, where I had one to many Mojotio’s, which were FANTASTIC by the way.

(Note to self… try not to get smashed the next time your in-laws are sitting there watching ya!!! )

Then it was off to Wal-Mart, and the excuse they call a mall here, where MIL and I bonded over shopping in JCPenney’s, then we rented Click, and came back to the house. What a cute movie that was, funny and sad all at the same time. Then we took a few pictures, printed them out, and said farewell to the In-Laws. I have to admit I actually enjoyed having them here, I really did. It seems so different from a few years back when I felt like they were always judging me. Besides that, I realized that Clark and I are a family, and they are a part of that family, but that I cannot let them determine my relationship with him by how they feel about me. I think that the general attitude towards me has changed to since Clark and I have been together for almost 14 years now, and we are still so very much in love. I hope that they saw just how much I love him to. Kent had a ball meeting them, and really likes his Grandma!!! He had a great time.

BTW, we had a ball at the Lynyrd Skynyrd Concert with Kent and his friend, and his B-day sleep over and party was a lot of fun to!!!!

Today is Wednesday, and I spent the day waiting for the phone to ring from the RE’s office, doing laundry, and feeling sorry for myself. I am in a lot of pain, and keep getting terrible cramps in my pelvis, so that is driving me nuts, and being worried about one of these cysts/follies rupturing, and I know that will freaking hurt like a bitch!!! So that has been the last few days of my life in a nutshell, what a Wonderful Life!!!!

Life Goes On...

Well, I know I fell off the planet again, but it has been so hard to deal with reality the last few weeks that I needed to take a breath, step back and start over again.....

I started my Lupron shots this past Monday after much stress. I had my appt. with the IVF nurse on the 26th, and we went over all the info and consents for this cycle. You want to talk about a lot of info holy cow!! So then there was an issue with them not having our Marriage license, so I had to fax that to them that night, well it got done wrong, so I got it to her the morning of the 27th. I didn't hear from them Friday, so I tried again Monday, and still no answer, so I called the ins. co. and found out that we were approved for this IVF!!! YEAH!!! So I ran up to Norfolk to get part of the meds that I am going to need, and then had lunch with Clark. I am getting a little pissed though because I still as of this AM not heard back from anyone at the RE's office, so I am going to have to make a few calls. I am doing ok on the Lupron, not to many side effects yet, and I hope that it stays that way!! I am looking forward to getting this over with though, and if this cycle works, we should be having a little one in the middle of July of next year. I am staying very cautiously optimistic though. I did send an appeal letter to the ins. co. about the surgery though, and I will see what they say.
Clark is doing well, and so is Kent... in fact he made all A's and B's this time on his progress reports, so he got his TV and games back.... but I have caught him playing his GameBoy when he is supposed to be sleeping.. little turkey!!

My friend K moved back to MN, and I miss her something terrible already, but she needed surgery, and couldn't get the docs here to listen to her, so she needed to go. Kent and her son were friends to, so that has been hard on him. I spent all last week helping her hubby pack and move because she went home the week before. She was one of my closest friends, and now she is gone... I feel so alone for female friends now!!!

My family have all officially lost their minds... I won't go into details, but I swear I am the only sane adult in the freaking bunch, except for my middle brother, and they are driving me nuts. I am so sick and tired of being tossed in the middle of everything that happens, I wish they would all just get over the past and move the hell on with life. Who cares what happened 20 years ago??? Can't I just be allowed to love both my parents w/o having to feel like being forced to pick one or the other??? I don't need this shit right now, and the whole thing had me crying all day yesterday. I am so glad that I started seeing my therapist again because that is the only thing that held me together yesterday. Clark says that he wishes I would just cut them all loose, and not be so hurt every time something like this happens, but I love and feel with all my heart, and they are after all my family.... UGH I did tell Clark yesterday that I love him so much for always standing behind me and being my rock when stuff like this happens. He totally hates seeing me get hurt, and pretty much trys to keep it from happening, but I always go back and ask for more. I don't know why, but I guess it is because they are my family and they are all I have!!

My In Laws will be coming out here on the 14th of this month, and staying til the 16th or 17th, so I will be doing a lot of cleaning in the next week. I am not looking forward to this at all, we just don't get a long, and it was so last minute she just called me Monday night and told me....I honestly hope that it goes well, but I am not sure it will, not to mention I have no clue what we are going to do while they are here. Oh well we will see.....
I am gonna run for now, I have some calls to make, and I need to get some housework done.....

My Life is a Disaster....

Well, my life has finished falling apart... the last few weeks have been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from, and frankly I am bordering on losing my mind.... I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to wrap my mind around all that I learned from surgery, and it has been very hard....

I just happened to call the bus. office, and the girl told me that the doc had done a care plan for me that was Injects/timed intercourse... well you know about the ins thing, so I told her that we have to do IVF and that I needed that all changed... so the nurse calls me back said the doc said ok to IVF, and that I have to have one more test so that they can start... it is a saline sonogram in 3D of the uterus. So then she gives me a prelim start date for the meds, and tells me to make the appt. for the sonogram.... Well that was yesterday, and I went in on time, and the girl at the front desk gave me our IVF packet... that in itself is overwhelming... there are almost 100 pages, and like 10 different consent forms that you have to sign, so I was looking through that, and starting to get a little freaked... it just made everything so real!!! So I go in for the sono, and she does a standard u/s first... has trouble seeing my uterus, the damn thing is now tipped to the back of my pelvis... go figure!!! So in comes one of the docs, and they start to do the saline injection (right into the uterus with an u/s wand, and a catheter) well as soon as she started pushing the saline in, I got hot, and started cramping, kinda normal, well the more she put in the more it hurt, and I thought that they were gonna have to peel me off the ceiling... well she just kept pushing, and finally said that she was getting total resistance and that the fluid wasn't passing through my tubes at all.... so she asked about the hysteroscopy that I was supposed to have had on the 22nd, and I told her about the problem that Dr. B had had with the equipment, and she said well if she had been able to do it then she would have know that your tubes are totally blocked. @@ So in just 4 short weeks, I have gone from having a totally workable fertility issue to NEVER being able to conceive on my own. I am just devastated, and right now it is impossible for me to wrap my mind around all of this..... I feel like I am going to lose it. Why is this happening to me??

Crap I have to run the girls to the vet, so I am gonna have to finish this later..........

A little Good News....

A littlle good news...
Well, after getting the hospital bill on Saturday I was FREAKING OUT!!!!! It was for close to $8,000.00!!! I wasn't sure how they were gonna bill for it but my ins. co. says that we pay 50%, so I wasn't happy..... So, today I got on the ins. site, and looked up the claim, and they paid all of it but $1,510.00!!!!! I am going to call them and ask them why they won't pay the rest, but hey if they won't then I am ok with that I guess, but it can't hurt to try to get it down. According to the book, our co-pay should only be $150.00, so I don't get it.....
So, yesterday I got to reading the benifits section, and you are limited to 3 IVF attempts per live birth with a lifetime cap of $100,000.00, last year the rule was this Clomid-IUI....Injectibles-IVF, only no grey area.... but this year they have changed it to read that when injectible drugs are started it counts as an IVF try.... so what in the hell is the point of even doing injects and an IUI???? Christ, that has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard!!! So Clark and I talked about it last night, and he agreed that it was dumb, and that we are just going to go ahead with IVF. No point wasting a try or two when she told me I could just go right to IVF. So now I have to try to wrap my head around the whole idea. But hey, who knows maybe, just maybe I will get pregnant in the next 2 months, and I won't have to spend the money... trust me with the way my tubes were looking, anything could happen now that they are all freed up!!! Boy wouldn't that be nice... prolly just a pipe dream though, but a dream none the less!!! You know I am both excited and scared... excited to do the one thing that I am sure will work, but scared that it will take more then one try, and how I will cope when/if it fails!!! I am also entering the unknown on the whole IVF thing... I could walk you through an IUI cycle step by step, but this is something I have NO experience with at all... I guess I will be doing a lot of reading and researching!!!

Well, I told you I was gonna tell you about my furniture fiasco, and I have even more to add to it today... UGH!!! In July after we finally got our taxes back, Clark and I went into the place we got our mattresses from and picked out the style, color and brand of couch/love seat, and coffee/end tables that we wanted... to the tune of $3,200.00. Now this stuff was custom built, and we picked the fabric all that Jazz... well he tells me 4-6 weeks, fine NP. So I called him I think about the 15th of Aug. and he said that it had been shipped on the 10th, but hadn't gotten there yet... well I called back a few days later, and still nothing. So on the Friday before I had surgery the 18th, I talked to our sales guy, and he told me that the coffee table was there, but nothing else and that he would be out the next week but that the owner would know when they came in and call me. So, fast forward to the 21st, I called the owner and told him that I was having surgery the next day, and that if the furn. was in that we wouldn't be able to have it delivered. He said that it wasn't there, but that it should be on Wednesday. I called Wednesday, and he told me it was there, and they would bring it out the next day. Well, they brought it all right, and I was freaking out, it wasn't the color that we had picked, and trust me we FOUGHT over the color for MONTHS and finally settled on burgundy, well this was a WINE color, very red, not the plum color that the swatch was... so I get right on the phone and call the owner... He tells me that the lights in the showroom change the swatches, and to take it up with M our sales guy... ok fine, but who owns the place him or the sales guy??? So the coffee table never even made it out that day... seems it had gone missing. Ok fine, but the end table wasn't the one we ordered either, it was the same look, but the table we picked was designed to swing half of it out to make like a little TV tray, but this one slid... ok we can get over that I guess. After the guys left, I was looking the couch and love seat over when I noticed that next to the seam on the arm of the love seat there was a 2 inch rip that they had shoddily sewn back together with bright red thread, and two other small holes on the other side of the seam that they had done to... I WENT OFF!!!!!!!! I called the owner again, and his response was "You will have to take it up with M when he gets back" He really pissed me off because I don't spend that kind of money everyday, and the furniture made over 5 grand we had spent in his store. I mean give me a break this is NICE sturdy Berkline custom made stuff, and you don't care that I am not happy??? OH HELL NO!!!!! So fast forward to Monday the 28th, and Marty calls me to talk about what happened... I asked him how long he has worked there, and he told me like 30 years, well I told him he oughta own the place because he seemed to care more about the customers then the damn owner did!!! He apologized profusely, and told me that he had already ordered the arm piece for the upholstery guy to fix it, the table was the right table they had just changed the design, and apparently our coffee table was delivered to the wrong house, and the people never called and said it wasn't theirs but that they were going to go get it and bring it out. I asked him about the color, and he said the swatches were almost 2 years old, and the fabric color had been changed but that they hadn't gotten new cards, but that he had asked the owner to get them, and also that they had been handled alot, and the lights might have had a little to do with it... I told him it was ok, the color had sorta grown on me, and I would suck that up. Well, so he calls me back on Thursday, and tells me he is gonna bring the table out, I told him not to bother cuz it was POURING, and my yard was going to get ruined if they drove that big ass truck on it... I told him to just wait until Monday as TS Ernesto was coming over the weekend, so the ground wouldn't be any better. We agreed that he would come out Tues evening the 25th to drop off the table, and look at the love seat. Tuesday night he calls here to tell me that they can't get out til Wednesday or Thursday now and will that be ok... fine. So the guys show up today w/o a call, and tell me they are here to drop off the table and pick up the love seat... uh pick it up why... so I call Marty and he said he had to send it out to the guy to fix it and that they would have it back to me by Saturday... Ok fine. Well, then they pull the table off the truck, start bringing it up the stairs, and Clark stopped them and said... that is NOT the table I ordered... OMG I was sooo pissed, they had delivered my table to the house they were just at!!! I cannot believe this shit, so on the phone again, well wouldn't you know they had closed, and the ans. machine picked up. The guys on the truck were pretty pissed about it to because they have been having this problem all week...well I don't care, I just want my damn furniture!!!!!!!!! I am supposed to be having a party this weekend, and I have no damn place for people to sit!!! I am telling you I am going into that store tomorrow, and I WILL get compensated for this BS if I have to burn that joint down!!! LOL Just kidding, but geez come on, I don't drop that kind of money everyday, and I expect to get treated like I freaking matter, and to get what I paid for!!! Cripes!!!

I wrote earlier that I was going to try to quit smoking, well I caved, sort of..... I am doing the patches, and weaning myself slowly. I did this before the last time I quit, and it worked very well, so trying to do it with just the patch was killing me... so far so good, I have done very well... almost 2 packs a day down to about 10 today.... the patch just helps limit my urges, so I don't want them as often as I normally would. Everyone was freaking out cuz they tell you not to do that, but the patch program take 10 flipping weeks, and this way I usually do it in one or a little over one. I will let ya know how it is going, but I just picked a bad time with the news on Tuesday, and all of the stuff running through my head to just quit. Clark said he doesn't care how I do it just that I do it!!!

I went to the Shrink today, for a med review, and he and I talked about the meds and being pregnant, he really doesn't think there will be a problem because there weren't any birth defects linked to what I am on, so after we talked I felt better!! He said his main concern is the time getting pregnant with how I will cope with it, all the drugs you have to take with IVF and the stress associated with even doing the treatment, and that in his experience with Bi-polar women it is worse for them to be off the meds then to be on them. Not to mention that we have a higher chance of post partum depression, and that in his opinion the small risk was worth it to keep me mentally healthy through all of this. I agree, and I am glad that he finally just spit it out!!!

After that I went to the PetSmart, to get dog food, and ended up getting Kent some new fish since his Beta from the Adoption Day had died last month. He loves them!!! I didn't tell him that I had done it, and it took him like 15 minutes to notice it. He was like dang mom there are a ton of them in there!! I got him 8 calico gold fish of different sizes, and two algae eaters. By the time he went to bed he had named them all!!! That kid is a riot!!! I also got his big hermit crab a cage of his own because he has gotten so big, and is trying to climb out of the old one all the time, not to mention he is mean to the other crab in there with him!! I tell ya I love critters!!!

Well, that was my day in a nutshell, I have to call the business mgr. tomorrow and see if she can send me the cost sheet for IVF so that I can know what I need to come up with for this whole thing, and what the ins covers. I know the drugs fall under our script plan so that will help, but I am not sure just what we will have to pay 50% of... oh well, I didn't think to get it the other day because I was so upset at the time, and I wasn't sure Clark would want to do IVF. Sooooo I am off to bed to get some much needed sleep!!!