January 26, 2007
January 23, 2007
Well, I sat around all day consoling myself for my inability to get anything right, and waiting to hear back from the IVF nurse. I was pretty damn resigned to the fact that this wasn't gonna be our cycle because of the more then shitty 2 day rescue ICSI stats, and strongly considering which of the bottles of liquor I was going to fervently attack when she called to tell me that none of the ICSI'd eggs did anything either. I actually got a call earlier this afternoon to tell me what time I was to come in for transfer on Thursday, and I politely told the nurse that I hadn't had any eggs fertilize, so there would be no transfer. Boy she was so apologetic, that I felt bad for her. I told her that we were doing the rescue attempt, and maybe that was why the nurse had left me on the schedule, you know just in case...
When the IVF Nurse finally called me back at 4:45 she literally blew me out of the water... apparently I have 4 embryo's who are starting out life just like their mommy... Late as hell for everything!!!!!! When they went to pull my eggs to ICSI them, 4 of them had gotten it together and actually fertilized!!! They decided to do the rescue on the other 11, and at the time that she called me 4 of them were starting to get going, and the other 7 were just hanging out. Go freaking figure!!! I spend the whole day coming to terms with my sorry ass luck only to have something bust that bubble to!!! Not that I am to freaking hurt that some of them finally decided to make me proud, now we just have to make it to Thursday for transfer!! I am just praying that there are 2 someones in heaven looking out for them and I will have at least 2 left by then!! So I guess I get to add Sluggish, Out To Give Mom Way To Much Stress Eggs to my DX list!!! :o)
I am still waiting for the nurse to call me back, and it may not be until tomorrow, but I am going to go crawl into my bed an have a pity party before Kent comes home and I have to put on a happy face!!! I HATE IF!!!!
January 22, 2007
January 21, 2007
Clark actually went with me yesterday, and it was a nightmare!!! Now I know why I am glad that he stayed home the rest of the week!!! I had to register at the hospital where I will actually have the Ret. done, and then we went to the pharmacy, only to be told that I wasn't gonna be able to fill my script for pain meds because the doc that wrote it messed up the info.... So after 2 hours of WAITING for the doc to call back and get it straight, I finally got to head home. I have to say that I haven't been to hormonal until the last 2 days, and last night a movie that I have seen 20 times sent me into a crying Jag!!! UGH
Today has been just a lazy day, we watched the football games today, and the Patriots and Colts are playing right now!!
I am gonna go and hit the shower and shave so that I don't head to the hospital looking like a Sasquatch in the morning!!! If I can bend over far enough to see my legs that is!!! I am so glad this day is almost here!!!!!! I will let you all know what we end up with in the morning... PRAYING and HOPING for 20 or so, but will be happy to just get to transfer with 2 healthy ones!!
January 19, 2007
January 18, 2007
January 15, 2007
Ok, I wanted to get that up, and then here I sit still not being able to freaking sleep. I have to admit that I am now scared out of my mind. I am so worried about all that can go wrong that it is almost paralyzing me with fear. I want to be excited about this whole thing, I really do, but all I can think about is all that can go wrong. I pray that I will come through this with the best possible outcome, but hell we all know that IF is a tricky bitch, and she lives to toss boulders in our way every step of the way!! I want to let myself think like a normal fertile, and start planning a nursery among other things, but my mind refuses to do it. My heart on the other hand is totally convinced that this is going to work, and in 9 short months I will be bringing a bundle home... ahhh, but the mind knows better then that!! Right now I can't count on anything, and that just pisses me off. I am so freaking tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop that I just wish this was all over with and I could get on with living my life, however it ends up!! UGH!!!! God, I hate INFERTILITY!!!
On another note, I saw the woman and her husband that I posted about last week this AM when I was at the Clinic, and she actually spoke to me. I asked her a few questions, and we chatted for a few minutes before I had to leave. I guess I just felt the need to go out of my way to speak to her and kinda let her know that I understood where she was at, and that I get the whole thing, ins. frustrations and all. She kinda seemed to be in a little better place, and that was nice. The Clinic was pretty busy this AM because they were only there for half of the day, so I felt very freaking rushed, but I didn't want to be there all day anyway!!
Tomorrow night Kent has his Induction ceremony for the Junior Beta Club, and I for the life of me tried to get him to cut his damn hair tonight, but he will not do it!! That kid is gonna make me NUTS with the hair thing. It just looks goofy on him because his hair is so stringy!! But, oh well I guess there are only a few things a 15 year old can control, and hair ranks right up at the top for him!! He and Clark have been having a great time playing with their RC trucks, and it is nice to see them spending so much time together. It is hard to imagine in just 4 more (or maybe less) years he will be going off to college. That little guy is so my hero!! He is just amazing, yeah we have our days, but he has come so far from where he was when he came to live with us at 10 that it just blows my mind that he is the same kid!! We are so proud of him!!
Well I am off to get some much needed beauty sleep!! LOL not that sleep is doing me much good these days!! Hey Clark has lucked out, I still haven't found my inner Raving Bitch yet!! So he lives to fight another day!! Night.
January 14, 2007
January 12, 2007
Let me start off by saying that Infertility is painful, and I never wish the pain that I have endured over the last almost 15 years on ANYONE. I don't think that there is anyway to even separate infertility into categories such as Primary IF (having not had, or having had trouble conceiving your first), or Secondary IF (having trouble conceiving subsequent children either with or without having trouble with the first). I do however feel that women who have had miscarriages after getting pregnant carry a pain altogether different. So on that note, I suffer from "Primary Infertility", I have never been pregnant. I have never been on birth control other then to start IVF, and we have never taken measures to prevent a pregnancy. I have been to so many different docs, and even had Gastric Bypass to try to "cure" my PCOS. Clark was in the Navy for 9 years, and I dealt with the military insurance machine while trying the whole time he was in to get pregnant. The military insurance arena is not a place in my opinion in to try to achieve pregnancy when you are infertile, they really run you through the hoops, and basically pay for next to nothing, they also don't as a rule provide much in the way of coverage should you not want or be able to see one of their active duty RE's. There just really isn't much of an emphasis or interest placed on women who have infertility issues, period.
So, when Clark got out of the Navy and got a civil service job, it came with almost the same crappy coverage that we had in the military. Out of 21 companies to choose from there was one who offered IF benefits, and we jumped on them. They were cheaper and covered more then most of the others to. It took me almost 2 1/2 years just to qualify for a referral to an RE with CrappyInsuranceCompany, and I have battled with them over quite a few things in the year since I got my referral. My insurance covers IF 50%, that includes meds by a tiered scale of payment. You get 6 IUI's, and 3 IVF's per live birth, with a lifetime cap of $100,000. With all that being said, I consider myself very lucky to have insurance that covers any IF at all, because that is not the rule with most companies. I feel that after fighting for as long as I have, I deserve to take advantage of something that is offered to me. I have the money for IVF, but only with the insurance. As Clark so sweetly told me yesterday, "If I had had to pay for those meds or any of this full price, you would be getting another puppy instead of doing IVF!!!", and he fully meant it. Neither one of us is willing to go into debt trying to have a child. So with all of the above being said, I return you to my issue.....
I saw this couple enter the office yesterday, and after they signed in they came and sat right near me. Something about them screamed RedNeck, and when her DH got up to use the men's room, I saw from his shirt that they were indeed from my local area. I got up to talk to the business office lady while he was being directed to the restrooms, and got a little chuckle when he got the snot shocked out of him by touching the doorknob, he laughed to. He had returned to his seat before I got done with my paperwork, and when I walked back over and sat down, I smiled and asked him if he had planned on having to get electroshock therapy while he was there today. They both laughed, and I mentioned that I had seen they were from near me. We started chatting, and after a few minutes she asked me if the woman that I had been talking to was the girl from the business office. I told her yeah, that she had needed a copy of my pre-approval letter from the ins. company. I literally watched as this woman, who only moments before was smiling at me, got the most nasty look on her face, and she hissed at me "Well, it must be really nice to have insurance that covers this crap." To which I replied "Actually yes it is." At that very moment the nurse called me back, and I got my things and went back to the inner waiting area.
What the hell was that all about?? The whole thing bothered me for the rest of the day. I mean come on now, I know I am lucky to have the coverage, but why in the hell does that have to be a bone of contention or a strike against me as a person?? I have never gotten nasty with someone just because of something so petty. I get it that IVF is very costly, but I haven't walked through this financially unscathed, I had to pay $1700.00 out of pocket for a Lap just because it was done by my RE, and not a GYN, not to mention the TIME that it took me to get to this place. I guess I just don't see how one person could have so much anger towards me without even knowing what I have been through to be sitting in that waiting room with them. Is her pain worse then mine because she has to pay more then me? Drive farther then me? Is is about how much it takes to get there, how you get there or why your there?? Not in my eyes, because we are all "sisters" if we are there at all, and the anger that I felt from one of my "sisters" yesterday really hurt me. As much as I have been through I would never be angry over money. I have friends in the IF world who have mortgaged everything they own to pay for treatments, and have no baby to show for it in the end. For them I have so much anger and sadness, but the anger is for a country who seems to refuse to force the lawmakers to require ins. co's to cover IF treatments. So, I guess that I was just very unprepared for the anger that faced me yesterday just because of the coverage I do have, and I find it so unfair.
Well, I have got to go to Bed!! Clark and Kent are going out again tomorrow for some Batteries and Bonding!! LOL Clark got Kent a new Remote Control car this week, and the batteries for it are on back order, so they are just going to drive up and get some. Ahhh time alone!!!
January 11, 2007
I was up before dawn, and in my van to the RE's office by 7 am. It was freaking COLD this morning, and the drive that shouldn't have taken an hour took an hour and a half. I was so irritated by the time I got to the RE's I was just waiting for them to give me bad news. After waiting for about a half an hour the lady from the business office came out and told me that they hadn't received my ins. approval letter. I told her that I had it with me and she went off to copy it. They called me back right after that, I got the standard blood letting, and then was shown my bathroom where I donned the paper towel. My U/S showed no cysts!! Yes way to go guys!! Sorry about the chewing out I gave you last night but I was convinced you were gonna play games today. Lining was nil. So, here I go trying to sit p thinking I am done, and the doc says to me "No, wait there is more." More?? HUH?? I didn't sign up for more. The nurse looks at me as she is ripping open a package, and says... "Mock Transfer." Uh what the hell is that?? Oh I was to find out. This little game is where they take a catheter just like the ones they use for a real transfer, and see if they can get it up through the cervix, and into the baby bin. Well, that was no freaking fun let me tell you!! Think back to when you were a kid, or more recently for some, to when you stuck your tongue to a 9 volt battery... multiply that feeling by 20, and that is what you get in your girlie parts when you have a mock transfer. GREAT!! Who forgot to tell me to take a pain reliever?? After limping back to the bathroom and getting dressed, I was off to learn how to shoot up. The last time I did this it was still the days of separate vials that had to be reconstituted, well now they have this fancy little pen that you load, slap a needle on, dial up the dose, and stab away!! How cool is that?? Checked out, and off to the pharmacy to get the "goodies". Well there has to be a hitch in the day somewhere right?? After a late afternoon call yesterday in which I was informed that yes my meds were there, and yes they were ready, I arrived to find out that my F*llistim had not in fact been delivered, but was en route to the store. I decided to let this one slide, and went off to have lunch with Clark. Had lunch, back to pharmacy. Meds there, and ready. Can I say that when that man told me how much what I was holding in my hands was worth I about crapped!! $4850.00. WOW, that is a lot of dough, and all in a little bag!! Off to the house, and to sit and wait to see if the 4:30 call to the phone tree held that magic phrase. Well it did, all is good start stims tonight!!! YES, Thank the freaking stars!!! So I officially am stimming!! I cannot tell you how good it feels to be saying that!! I did have a situation happen that I will tell you about tomorrow. It is late here, and I am so tired that my eyes are cussing me out, so I am off to bed! Night!!
January 10, 2007
Husband in bed... Check
Son in bed... Check
Dogs in bed... Check
Cats... irritating the hell out of each other... Check
But do you think I can carry my ass to bed?? Hell no!!
In less then 12 hours I will once again don the paper towel, that in my RE's office constitutes coverage of the lower half, lay back, put my legs up, slide forward... slide a little further down now, and have that condom and goo covered dildo cam so politely shoved... well you know where, just to see if my ovaries are suppressed enough to begin stims!! I am sitting here freaking the hell out. My anxiety level over the last few days has been skyrocketing out of control. Every time I think of tomorrow morning, I get almost sick enough to PUKE!! I just KNOW those little shits are gonna pull something, they always do. I have been feeling the "noise" in my pelvis again the last few days, and hoping like hell that it is my bowels reacting to all the extra drugs in my system, and not those little creeps screwing around again. Man they better not mess this up!!!
I have been pretty crappy feeling the last few days, and had one hell of a migraine yesterday, never did really get rid of it all the way either... it is still there in the front of my skull pounding like a little heartbeat, and driving me NUTS.
I actually did something today that I wasn't sure I had the guts for... I went to an OB appointment with a 25 week PG friend. Yeah I know I love to torture myself!! Actually it was a 2 fold thing for me... she LOVES her OB, and I wanted to see what they were like, and if they took my ins. because hell, I just might need them soon.... LOL!! But really, they were awesome, the office was great, and HELLO they take my ins.!!!! The girl at the desk even promised me that if I did come they would put me on the IF list... I asked if that meant that we were all unstable, and demanding, and she just grinned!! I liked that!! Yeah there were bellies, and lots of them, but for some reason it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, maybe it was the mission that I was on that made it easier. The cool part is that her midwife knows my RE, and Loves her, so that was a plus for them to!! I also got to hear my friend M's babies heart beat.... God, I never get tired of hearing that!! So, all in all it was a great day.
BTW, it is National DeLurking Week, and I know that I have a few readers out there!! So, in the spirit of the week, I would love for my Lurkers to come out and ask me some questions. I won't divulge the pertinent personal info that keeps me anonymous, but I will try to answer them the best that I can!!
If you get a chance, whisper a little prayer that I will get good news tomorrow at the suppression check as I am not sure if my little heart could handle yet another cancelled cycle. I also have the inside line on a possible DSS adoption of an infant, but I am going to keep that hope at bay until I find out just what is up with that..... not holding my breath on anything when it comes to DSS!! But I will keep you updated as I know things. So Internets, I am off to try to reason with my brain over the fact that I DO NEED SOME SLEEP TONIGHT!!!! Bye!!
January 6, 2007
So, I drove off, that is right I drove off. Of course before I did I had a flash of a thought... OMG if I do this then the powers that be could keep me from getting a positive for this cycle ... and about 10 other thoughts about how this could possibly effect my IVF, or life in general... I am a firm believer in Karma damnit!!!
Now to my defense.... A few months ago I bought some new fish for Kent at said PetFoodStoreConglomerate to the tune of about $65.00 along with a few other supplies. Now unbeknownst to me you should not put that many goldfish in a tank the size that we had because their urine will kill them... ahhh but noone told me that when I was buying them, and I ASKED. So, one by one the fish died, and I was soon freaking out because Kent was getting pretty rattled by the time the 5th one bit it. So I called PetFoodStoreConglomerate to ask what I should do, and the lady told me to bring the corpses up and they would refund me or give me more. Umm well ok, but there wasn't much left by the time we found them, and I wasn't going to go up there every two freaking days when we lost yet another one. So she tells me that is the only way that I am going to get them replaced or get my money back. So I ask her why the guy selling me the fish, who professed his great knowledge didn't tell me about the urine thing, and her response... "Well, you should have bought the goldfish care manual when you were here."
So ... do I feel guilty for not paying PetFoodStoreConglomerate for the dog food the girl didn't ring up??? HELL NO!!! Besides the differance in the 2 was about 10 bucks... ok there now I feel better!!
January 5, 2007
I ordered a t-shirt last week, and it finally came tonight. I am excited because I am going to wear it when I go to Clinic next week. It has a HUGE blank name tag on it... you know the ones that they give out when you go to a meeting, or a convention... it says "Hello my name is...." and then has a spot for your name.... well I had it personalized to have my name be.... Mrs. Murphy. I know you know what I was aiming for.... Murphy's Law. I am trying to be a little light about this whole thing, and feel like I really just needed some serious humor to start my Stims off on the right foot!! Ok, I actually just want to be a total smart ass, but hey whatever works right??
Kent came home from school today with some VERY good news... he was asked to join the Junior Beta Club at school!! This is a very select group of honor students, and he has really been working hard for the last year and a half to keep his grades up to be asked. The kids have to carry a 93% average for the 7th grade, and the first 2 quarters of the 8th grade, and then be nominated to join. We are so proud of him because this is such an achievement for him. This is the kid they thought was going to never have an above 3rd grade intelligence due to his tumor/cancer... guess he showed them huh??!! He just continues to amaze his mom and dad so much with how far he has come!! I can't even believe this is the same kid that I brought home almost 5 years ago!! GO KENT!!! Oh yeah and on another note.. the GIRLS are getting a little more interested in him now, and he is LOVING that to.... ahhh to be a fly on those walls!!!
Well, it has been a very long day, and I have to go out all day tomorrow, so I need to hit the sack... I will see you later.....
January 4, 2007
January 2, 2007
I need to cut into my own story to plant a seed in your minds ... we live in the south, I am surrounded by RedNecks, and most of the time I really don't mind as they can be wholly entertaining to be around, but there are times when I know, and am reminded that we live in an area where the gene pool is shallow at best. No, I am not "from" here I am a transplant, and yes I totally chose to live here, and I for the most part love all of the RedNecks I run into ... but I digress...
So into town we go and DH decides that we will go to Mega chinese buffet. Now we live in the rural south, and our town has maybe 200 people, so when we go to the "city" it isn't a major metropolitan area at all. The shopping here is limited, and so are the eatery choices... esp. the ones that I will eat at, and Mega Buffet is one of the ones I like. So in we go, and the first thing I am faced with is the CUTEST little Asian baby. The woman holding her is obviously not her mother (the blonde hair, and very pale skin gave that one up), and she is in the middle of what I am sure is her answer to that very question.... "well, we left her middle name as her Korean first name, I don't know for the life of me what it means, but I am sure that will give her something to look forward to finding out when she is older." Are you freaking kidding me?? You left an intrigal part of your child's heritage intact but you don't know what her name means?? I have it on very good authority that it is very important what Korean women name their babies, and it is also very hard emotionally for them to relinquish due to the family values there!! (I have a Korean step-mom) ACK....
So, we get seated, and what to my eyes do appear??? Pregnant bellies everywhere.. holy shit... Don't they know an Infertile has entered the building, and they should all run screaming from the joint for fear of catching it??? Ok, maybe not, but for crying out loud... I know that pregnant women love chinese food, but how in the hell did so many of them end up at this buffet?? Oh that's right, I live in rural America, land of few choices of places to eat really good chinese food, screwed. The sad thing about it was that it seemed that as one left she was replaced by yet another. The highlight came though when I was on a trip to get more snap beans (I'm a Junkie feeding a habit!!) and I find myself standing next to 2 of the aforementioned bellies. Now my plan was to get my beans, avoid eye contact, and return to my table ... but this woman commanded my attention with the best comment I have heard in a long time... "I can tell you that losing my job last week is the best thing that has happened to me this whole pregnancy, but with what welfare pays for babies these days I don't know how I am going to feed two extra mouths." @@ So, I HAD to look up, and I looked into the face of my worst nightmare ... she had to have been pushing 50 (no I am serious), reeked of cigarette smoke, had filthy clothes on, a few stumps of teeth left, and she was making this comment to her 14-16 year old looking companion with identical (albeit slightly smaller) PG belly..... Nuff said. Don't you just love rural life????
I get a horrorscope everyweek that goes a day at a time for the week, and as if I wasn't having enough of a problem deciding if doing this IVF was right, timing, and all the other doubts I am having I get this email from the writer of my scope.. in it she freaks me the hell out... look at this....
This new period of luck will be bountiful. I can already feel it vibrating very deeply in me! ( am I the only one who see's that as WEIRD???)
This lucky period starts for you at the very beginning of January 12th, 2007 and will reach its peak exactly 83 days later, on April 5th, 2007 (the second very important date in your life...)!
After that, you'll still have 145 days left in the lucky period, then, that's it. It'll all be over -- unless you've learned by then to take charge of your luck, to grab it with both hands and direct it where you choose!
But we're only talking about your financial problems now -- we are forgetting the emotional side of your personality. You are also in the midst of negotiating a very important turning-point in your emotional and family life. Despite your financial difficulties, Rebel, you've succeeded in maintaining a certain bond of intimacy with your close friends and loved ones.
And so much the better for them and for you. You really must decide to free yourself from this heavy burden created by the negative waves you've been accumulating for so many, many years. It's your happiness and your future that we are talking about now, and by extension, the happiness and future of your close friends and loved ones. Yes, I see happiness and love headed your way, Rebel, the love which you've always aspired to and which YOU DESERVE!
Now where in the hell does this come from?? I mean really this kind of thing wants to make me run screaming from the room not send her money for some stupid book for cripes sake!!! I don't have financial issues, and if I did how would sending her money help me there, other then being 10 bucks broker?? Oh boy. If I was suspicious, I might bite as the 11th is the day I am supposed to start stims, and I think that about the time my luck would change would be right about the time I would deliver ... oh great there goes 10 bucks.... FUDGE!!!