Lupron in the Morning

So, I am now sitting here listening to my hubby snore like a madman due to the fact that, he who had no sympathy for me last week/end, is now so sick he is sleeping sitting up. I also just found out that 4 day old sushi is not a good idea either... YUCK!!!

I had this amazing post all typed up, and was about to hit send when the whole system shut down on me.... The freaking cat, who has taken to sleeping under the computer desk where the doxies used to be, just rolled right over on the damn surge protector and shut the damn thing off... CRAP!!! I should tell you his name is Satan for a reason.....

I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. As for me my Christmas was ok, nothing worth jumping all over about, just ok. I have been blessed with so many friends though, and getting cards from all of them is always so nice. The only bad thing this year was the lack of my intelligence to obviously inform EVERY person that got a card from me as to the "state of the union" because I got 3 cards today, and have 8 total in which I have been asked the "addition/s to the family" question. Now you would think that most of them would get the hint when they got a photocard that just had the 3 of us in it, and no letter making any announcements to the effect of an addition anytime soon. I blame myself for this though because up until I found out just how damn infertile I was, I wasn't worried about sharing my little problem, but now that IVF is being "forced" on me that freedom to discuss has changed. I just don't know how people will react to the path we have taken, and frankly I don't care, so I would rather just not give them a chance to piss me off!! I mean people have been outright disrespectful at the fact that we adopted an older, physically disabled child from the foster care system, and I was honestly shocked at the STUPID things people said to me ... including some members of my very own family. But hey they can all kiss my ass, that is MY SON, and I don't care how he came to me just that he is here (even if we do have a lot of bad days right now, I still love him with all my heart!!) and it is noones business why. So I guess I am just beginning to wish that I had never mentioned it at all, but then I would still be fending off dumbass questions anyway ... it is a Lose/Lose situation. I normally do a letter letting everyone know what has been going on this year, and since all that has happened in the last few months I really just didn't feel like doing one this year, I mean what will I start off with... Well, once again, the powers that be have denied us a biological child for yet another year.... Yeah that would have gotten some phone calls I can promise you!! So, for the sake of self preservation, I just decided that the card was going to be FINE this year w/o a letter.

So, on to the thought that Clark had yesterday in the kitchen.......

Him... Oh damn, I think that I have to renew my license this year don't I??

Me... Yeah I think they do the 5 year thing.. you know 25, 30, 35....

Him... Holy shit that means that I will be 35 this year... OMG I am sooo old!!

Me... yeah and you will hit that birthday before our prospective child, should this cycle pan out, be born....

Him... Holy shit I am really getting old........

I cannot tell which is more traumatic to him having to get a new license due to being 35, or the fact that he will be 35 period... I don't think the dad thing even got through to him!!! It just doesn't touch him like it touches me at all, and I don't think it ever will.

So X-mas day gave me a little slap in the face... I posted when my in-laws were here visiting about Clark's Niece being PG again, and I was really shocked to hear that they just found out the sex last week (Boy by the way). It was then that it hit me, she has been pregnant for quite awhile. My MIL dropped that bomb on me after I tried, in vain I am sure, to convince her that I like the sweatsuit she got me.... And then like 5 minutes later it hit me that she is a lot further along then I thought she was. Hmmmm that makes me sad. Only because it must be nice to get pregnant only 9/10 months after your first one was born, and you weren't even trying. I wish I had the luxury of not even trying. So, I guess that made my day a little bitter sweet.

I am sure that you can see that my level of excitement for this cycle is pretty low, infact I am getting edgier by the day. Tomorrow morning starts the lupron again, and I am just crossing my fingers that this time the crap does what it is supposed to do!! I do want this to work, but I have got to stay sane with the thought that is probably won't just so that I keep from being crushed beyond repair. A friend asked me if I was tired of going through all this, and I told her that "No, I am not tired. I am so fucking exhausted I could care less at this point." So that is where I stand right now. 14 years has put a lot of hurt in my heart, and taken a lot out of my soul, so I guess when you fight this long, and finally start to get somewhere, the progress in itself seems so infinitesimal. It isn't that I don't care anymore, but for the sake of sanity, I have had to lower the bar that I used to hold my body to!! I am being positive, I swear, I just have to protect myself to.

So, I am off to bed as I am still not feeling very well, and I haven't been sleeping the last 2 nights either. Good Night.