Sinking....

Well, after trying for the last 2 days to get someone at the clinic on the phone, I got a tad indignant, and finally got my nurse to call me back. I go in to see MY RE tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully get some questions answered about what went wrong. I started spotting today and it was really odd looking, not to mention the pain I have been having in my pelvic area, and Midol has done nothing for that at all!! UGH, so I will see what she has to say.... I have a list of questions to ask her, and this time I wrote them all down so that I don't forget them. I have been sitting in the house for 2 days now trying to figure out what to do, and if I really even want to keep on this road.... I know that sounds a little premature since we just started IVF, but it has been 14 years of dealing with this shit, and I am not sure just how much more I want to put myself through at this point. With the last 2 months being so heartbreaking finding out all that is wrong with BabyCentral, I just feel so fucking beat down, and the kicks just keep coming!! I am frankly not sure just how much more I can take without cracking wide open. I want to have a baby, but I am so tired of dealing with the fact that MY OWN BODY keeps betraying me at every freaking turn. I am just so tired of being at the mercy of a disfunctional reproductive system that I could PUKE!! I pray every night that something will give, that I will either get over my baby lust and move on, or that God will find me worthy of giving birth. I am sick of beating myself up everyday for not being able to control my own body enough to accomplish this one goal. I cannot believe that something like this consumes my every waking thought, and that I let it.... maybe that should show me just how sad this whole thing has become, it is an addiction, and I am a junkie. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with getting pregnant, that is how bad it is!!! Christ I sound like a freaking lunatic.
Well I guess I better go crawl into bed and get ready for yet another day in my life...