December 20, 2012

Hello again.....

Well, I don't expect anyone to still be out there listening to me anymore since I seem to go 6 months or more without writing, but things have really gotten out of hand in my life, and blogging was the least of my worries.  I just have so much on my plate that it seems even when I want to sit and blog, something happens and I don't end up doing it.  Well, that is all going to change, I will be back here on a regular basis with updates of all that have happened in the last few months.  I am also looking forward to catching up with the blogs that I read.

Christmas is less then a week away, and I am just so overwhelmed with everything that I can hardly focus.... I have so many little things to finsh that it seems like I won't get them done.  I had to quit seening my therapist because she offended me, when I tried to talk to her about my desire to have another child, she literally got mad and told me that I was lucky to have my daughter and that I need to be more thankful for her, and learn to appriciate more what I do have.  Well, I don't need a shrink going of on me and being snotty when I am there to work through the feelings that I have, so I jumped ship on her and am looking for a new one. 

I started having seizures again, so my Neuro has diagnosed my with epilepsy and now I cannot drive, ride my horse, or go off alone.  So I am either stuck in the house all day or have to rely on the few friends I do have to run me where I need to go.  It sucks to have your independace snatched away from you so quickly, and totally.  So, I have been doing all kinds of little projects around the house to keep me busy and occupied.  Cleaning and trying to sell my bow holders, but that is going slow to.  I have just been feeling so useless and so much like a burden because I have to have someone take me to appointments, grocery shopping, and any number of other things.  Not to mention I have 2 friends who ditched me, who were like sisters to me, so I only have 2 friends in the area that I can somewhat count on to take me places, on is my horse trainer, who is getting ready to move away, and the other is a grifreind dealing with a severe back injury from work, so she can't really do to much with me either.  So usually Keith has to take the day off either partally or totally to take me to appointmentsI guess I am depressed because I have lost my freedom, and the neuro even suggested that I get rid of my horse.  Keith and I talked about it, and he will let me keep him if I get leg straps and a helmet.  I just feel so helpless right now.I mean I am 39 years old and used to be very independant, that this last 2 weeks has really been a struggle for me.

Oneof the big decions that I had to make was that we had actualy done a few Femera cycles before the last 2 seizures, but the neuro totally told me no more baby making, not with the meds that you are going to be on, so I made the decision to get a hysterectomy because I don't even want to run the risk of and accidental pregnancy and then the baby being born with something wrong, I couldn't do that to me Keith, Lauryn, or the new baby, so with all my reproductive hystery, I just decided that a Complete Hysterectomy is the best road for us to go at this point, just to avoid any acciendental pregnancies.  My surgery will be January 28th, and while I have mixed feelings about it, I am doing the right thing.  I wouldn't want to subject a child to special needs becase I just HAD to have another baby.

I have come to some terms about it but some are still aluding me, I worry that I am doing the right thing, but that I won't be able to live with myself once it is over.  I will truely be infertile then.  No going back, they are going to talke it all.  I think I kinda of tripped out the OB as I told him that I wasnted my uterus back because I was going to plant it under a tree so that the damn thing would be forced to grow something.   It didn't want to work internally so I am going to get it to grow something externally!!

Well, I have to go get the girl ready for bed, but I will be spending a lot of time updated you on a few other things that have been going on.  If any are you still there I would love to hear from you!!