August 31, 2005


At the end of the Day...

Well, I have to report the good news first... My lumps weren't cancer!!! YEAH!!! So that was the biggest load off my shoulders. They are just going to leave the big one and keep an eye on it. I started taking B-6 and Vit. E this week because they say that really helps with Fibrocystic Breast Disease, so I am gonna give it a shot and see how it goes.

Now for the bad part... I decided that if I din't have cancer that I wanted to try to go back to doing some infertility treatments, I had talked to Clark about it the last few days, and he told me that we didn't have the money to adopt, but he never said that he wasn't wanting to try again. So after she told me the results, I told her that we wanted to try again, and we chatted about it, then she asked why we were thinking about it again, and I said because Clark told me he didn't want a Guataumlian baby (jokingly) and he looked right at the doc and says "I don't want anymore kids, I have one now, and besides those treatments aren't ever going to work anyway" I was BLOWN away. He was totally serious to. I just ended up asking her if she could get my records anyway, and help me fight with the ins. company, and she said that she would, but that she didn't think it looked good. Just what I wanted to hear... four months of waiting for the kids, they get ripped out from under me, not having the money to adopt internationally, and now this.. Makes me wonder if I am ever going to be a "mom" again. I mean yes we have Kent, and I love him dearly, but I didn't give birth to him, and I am totally begining to feel like he is the only child I am ever going to have.

I talked to our adoption worker today, and she told me one of the reasons that we may not have gotten the kids is a new program they put into affect called Pathways to Permanancy... it basically states that the children have to be placed as close to the home agency as possible, and MUST remain in the same school that they were already in. Well, since we live out of state, and I cannot drive an hour and a half twice a day, we don't live there anymore, basically me getting a call from them for any children is never gonna happen. I really wish they had told me before now so that I wouldn't even have gotten worked up about anything. So, that option is out, and the DSS option for us here is to as we don't have the time for the classes. When I got home today there were 6 rejection letters from the adoption agencies that we had applied to. So at that point I just started bawling. I mean geez, is it to much to ask to want to have a house full of kids mine or otherwise?? I feel like I have hit the end of my rope. If my PCP can't help me with the ins. company, then we are done, all the way around, finished. I have to admit that my heart is in a perpetual state of brokenness right now, and I am not sure if it will ever heal. I guess it is just time to "Move On" and "Get Over It" as so many of my online and RL friends seem to keep telling me... ahh but alas, they all have kids... go figure!!

Well, I am gonna go drown my sorrows, and maybe feel better in the morning... although I doubt it, I am gonna give it a try!! Good Night

Almost there....

Well today is the day that I go for the results of my tests. Clark is going to go with me. My stomach has been in knots for 2 days. To say that I am not scared to death would be a lie. I have to be there at 2:45 this afternoon and I have to leave even earlier cuz they are working on the roads here. BB is at the vet getting treated for heartworms, and I am going to stop and see her on the way up to VA or home. I am so worried about her, and just want her to be ok. I guess I will get off of here and get ready to go, it might take me awhile to get up the courage to even leave the house!!

August 27, 2005

Return to Normal???

Well, it has been a few days since I got on-line because I have just been in a state of trying to deal with my feelings. I called on Tuesday and talked to the kids' workers supervisor, first because I had to tell her that I couldn't attend any of the training that they had this week for funding of special needs placements, and then I told her what happened the day before when I talked to the other worker. I get through the whole thing, and she busts this on me "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that she just told you yesterday (Monday) that you guys weren't getting the kids??" I said "Yes, that was the first I have heard of it why?" She says "I knew 3 WEEKS AGO that they weren't placing them with you" I went off!!! That means that they knew a week after we were supposed to get the kids on that Friday, and NOONE bothered to say anything. I told the supervisor that I was totally devastated, and that basically it was "on." She said that she was going to find out just what had happened, and that maybe the other worker didn't tell know how to tell me. I told her that was a freaking cop out and she knew it because I am an adult, and they tell people everyday that they are taking their kids away, so she knew how to say it she just didn't have the GUTS!! I mean it takes up to 2 weeks to put together a placement agreement, so she has known for at least that long that she wasn't giving them to us. So, the Sup. says she has a meeting with the boss that afternoon, and she would call me back ... hmm it is Saturday, think I have gotten that call?? NOPE!! They went to court Wendsday, and I don't know what happened, but I sat on the porch last night looking at the stars, and thinking that "my babies" were going to sleep in someone else's home last night, and I just cried. I talked to our adoption attorney yesterday and got some advice, I will follow it first, but he seems to think that we won't be able to find a lawyer that would take our case, and that we should just deal with it with DSS and save ourselves some money, what do you girls think?? I mean there has to be some civil lawyer out there who would want to fight for us?? I am not a sue happy person, but they don't have a clue what they have done to our family, and I want to make them acknowledge what they did to us. I didn't realize just how far the impact extended until my step mom called me all excited and asked if we had gotten the kids, when I told her no, she was hurt. Then I went back to the woman who donated 5 bags of her daughters clothes to us for the girls, and asked her if she wanted the clothes back, and when I told her what happened she went off. It was then that she told me just how excited her daughter was that she was going to have playmates her age, and how disappointed she was when she found out they weren't coming. See there are only 3 kids on our street, and she was so looking forward to having someone else around to play with. UGH. So I am going to request a meeting with the supervisor, and the asst. director of DSS, and give them holy hell. Clark said we need to find a way to force them into giving us the kids, I didn't realize how freaking hurt he was either, and I told him that I didn't want to, and shouldn't have to do it that way. All I know is that my heart is so totally broken right now, that it is gonna take a very long time to heal. I mean that woman SHOVED those kids down my throat for months, showed me pictures of them, told me that they looked like I had given birth to them, and that her ultimate goal was for us to adopt them. Then she calls me acting cold as a fish, and breaks my heart.... Well, I am not one to sit back and take something like that in stride since that makes it 4 times this year they have called me about a child, and then backpedaled!! I told the supervisor that I was done with them!! Ok, enough, I am getting pissed all over again!!

On another note, Thursday was my mammogram, and U/S and I was scared out of my mind. I had to be there at 1:30, I wish the doc would have given me something to calm my nerves, cuz my stomach kept me up all night, and was flipping all out that AM to, not to mention my heart was racing to!! I am so praying that this is gonna be nothing, and that I can get through the rest of the weekend, and then the follow-up on the 31st without falling apart. I have already cried twice this morning, and my nerves are shot!! So wish me luck, and throw me a little prayer!!

Kent officially became a 7th grader thursday morning. He was up and out of bed at 5:30 because he was so excited!!! I am so very proud of my little man, he even fixed his own hair all cute and spiky!! I am just praying thathe will do as good with his grades this year as he did last year. He went to the first dance of the year last night, and has a new girlfriend now to, so he is on cloud 9. I get such a charge out of watching him get so excited over stuff like that, he is so cute!!

Some of my friends have been telling me to get over not getting the kids, and move on. Frankly I have to say that I am totally offended, but then I expect it from people who have kids already of their own. Even some of the infertility girls are saying it to, but frankly, I totally feel like they(DSS) owe me an explaination or something, and I am not going to let it die. You can't just go around crushing people like that, and then expect to just walk away from the whole thing unscathed. I am going to call on Monday, and let them know that I talked to an attorney, and request a meeting with them before I move on with it.

I took some dogs to the vet on friday, and S needs to have surgery on her foot, and had hook worms, but other then that they all got clean bills of health. I was happy, but not looking forward to the next few months when we have to pay for the surgery, and getting 2 of them fixed, not to mention that I think J is pregnant... not to sure though, got to see what she does. No belly on her yet, but her mommie didn't pop out til she was 2 weeks away from having them. UGH, I wasn't trying to have anymore pups in this house!!

Oh well. I am gonna head out, I am tired, and want to hit the sack......

August 22, 2005

The Universe....

As I sit here contimplating the fate of the Universe.... (Note to self... Bad idea when consuming Bacardi 151) I am hating life in general today..... I spoke before about the sibling group that we were waiting on well today this happened....

You know after Friday's doctor appointment I just new nothing else could go wrong in my life... I was SOOO WRONG. After calling and leaving 5 messages for the worker of the sib group that were are waiting to get, I asked our Adoption worker to hunt her down and ask her to call me. They are going to court on Wensday, and I was going to be up that way already, so I thought I might tag along with her to see what the judge decides to do. Well, 15 minutes after I get off the phone with my worker, the kids' worker calls me and tell me this... "I have been meaning to call you" she asked how I was and I told her briefly about Friday, and why I was calling, so then she proceeds to tell me this... "Well, I hate to tell you this, but you don't meed to come to court, and you won't be getting the kids. We decided that we need to keep them instate to better deal with their needs, and frankly, the fact that you live in another state has pretty much put you out of the running for any other foster kids from here. We have found an appropriate home for all 3 of the kids together, the family has agreed to take them, and they have already signed the placement agreement." I was so dumbfounded I just said ok well what do you want me to do with all of the stuff that has been donated to us for them?? I know that you said they didn't have much. She tells me almost rudely "Well I am sure there are resources there in your state that could use them, but if you INSIST on bringing them up, I will make sure the kids get them. Again, I am sorry to have to tell you this, I have to go, have a nice day."


Can you even believe this crap?? I mean I have literally had my life on hold for over a month waiting for the 24th, and it takes at least 2 weeks to do a placement agreement, so why did they wait until this morning, after I had someone chase her ass down, to call and tell me this??? I am so done with that agency that I left a message for the department head to call me, and I am going to tell her that I no longer want to foster any of their kids EVER. This is the 3rd time in the last 3 months they have pulled this crap on me, and I am so done with it. I would rather do IF treatments for the rest of my natural life and have all of them fail, then to have to go through another day like today again. I am going to make some phone calls as to the legality of what they have done to, and even if I can't get them on legality, I may go for morality. Every one of those workers in that office knows what we have been through with Kent, and IF, and this is like a slap in the damn face. I am so mad and broken hearted, I spent most of this afternoon crying on the phone with Clark... How can they do this to me??? Sorry I am just so upset right now I am literally sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I just HAD to get that all off my chest!!!

First off let me explain the friday appointment... in short my PCP thinks that I have Breast Cancer, and I go in on the 25th for a diagnostic Mammogram, and ultrasound with asperation, and I am scared out of my wits, so then this crap happens today, and not to mention that I found out one of my sweet Furries has Heart Worms last wensday to.

So needless to say I have had a crappy week, and I am really hating life in general right now, I mean if I was a little less of a person I would think that maybe God has it out for me, and to tell you the truth my heart is begining to lean in this general direction. I mean isn't it bad enough that I am infertile?? I hope that in the end I will look back at this day and laugh, but I hardly think that is going to happen... what have I done that is so freaking bad that I have to have all this shit in my life?? I would like to think that I have lived my life as the Man would want, but still I get kicked every single time I am down... what is up with that?? I just feel like right now I cannot catch a break, and I am very frankly getting sick of it... say a little prayer for me because I am not sure I have the strength left for this!!!

August 5, 2005

Been Busy...

Well, I have had a ruff 2 weeks. We can't adopt from Korea, and we decided to go with Guatumaula instead, well I had to go to DSS the day after we decided this, and one of the workers that I had spoken to in April about foster/adopting a sibling group of 3 came up to me, and told me that they were removing the kids that coming friday. Well, I go home freaking out cuz it is tuesday and I only have 4 days to get ready for them. I called all of my friends, and stuff came rolling in. The worker told me that she didn't think the kids had much in the way of clothes or toys, so I now have a room full of stuff, and it was 2 weeks today... and needless to say I have no kids. The woman that they are living with has been whining for months that she wanted the kids removed, and CPS got a call from the birth family that the little boy had burns all over him, well when they went to look at them, they took the kids to the local childrens hospital, and come to find out along with the burns they all had infected flea bites. So CPS was trying to get her to sign the kids over voluntarily, by kinda scaring her with the the fact that depending on how the investigation went that she may even lose her kids. Well now she has decided that she wants to keep them... go freaking figure!! So I have to hang out and wait for August 24th when they actaully go to court. They have already started our interstate papers, so that is good. The worker says that she really wants us to ultimately adopt these kids, and while I would love to, I have been through almost 4 years of hell with Kent as far as the adoption process goes, so I will keep breathing if you know what I mean. So, our lives right now as far as the international adoption is in a holding pattern. I was really devistated when she called me though, and to be honest with you it has taken me this long to sorta bounce back. I guess it was so hard on me because that was the 3rd time in a month that they had told me that they had a kid for us, and then had to back out. The one before the 3, they didn't even call to tell me that the mom of a new born boy that they called me about had changed her mind in the middle of the night. I have to tell you it is really stressful dealing with DSS sometimes. I know that they have their rules, and the goal of the agency is for family reunification, but why do they have to yank the foster parents around so damn much. UGH. So I have been filling my time with yardwork, and feeling sorry for myself. I want to get a job, but then I would hate to have to quit if we do get the kids, so I have been holding off on that one for now. I am also thinking of starting to sell an idea that I had on EBay, so just incase we go on with our international adoption, I will fund it that way, along with some savings.

Other then that, Kent is still grounded, and refuses to comply with the rules that we had for him to get off, so he will stay grounded until he can get it together. I know that might seem a little hard, but these are things that we have been working on since we have had him. He knows the rules, and refuses to follow them, so that is the consequence. He goes back to school on the 25th, and that will be kinda nice!! I know that he is looking forward to going back, and has already talked about how he is going to have to work hard this year to maintain his honor roll. I am so proud of how far he has come since we have had him, that I could just cry. I really think that he is going to do something with his life other then sit and feel sorry for himself all day long. It is so nice to know that as foster parents that we have done something right since you hear sooo many horror stories about foster families, and how they treat the kids they care for, but there are good foster families out there who really love the kids that they care for!! I even saw the Montel show today, and it was about horrible foster homes... I really didn't like that show at all, and I admire him so very much. I know that there are families out there who do those things, but what about a show to let people know about the amazing families out there?? Oh well, I guess I just see things differently the some people.

Well, I guess that is it for tonight, I am going to go have a little night cap, and get ready for the weekend.... more yardwork if it doesn't rain tomorrow, and we are gonna hit the Bull Bash in town tomorrow night if it stays nice.