October 7, 2010

Still Breathing....

I am here, still breathing, still trying to make sense of all that has gone on in the last few months, and thinking of how to make it through without losing who I am. Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed checking up on me. I have been hiding for months hoping that it would help me forget, but I realized that nothing is going to help at this point other then talking about it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to come to terms with some personal events, and it really seems the harder I try the more resolution avoids me.

Aside from all of the thinking, I have been dealing with a rambunctious toddler, and a horse who needs lots more attention then I was prepared for.

Lauryn is creeping up on 3, and continues to amaze us everyday with her antics. She seems to have adjusted well to Kent being gone, although it really wasn't like he was here much in the last year anyway with how he sequestered himself in his room. She is talking up a storm now and tells you everything that she "likes", which is mostly everything. She only believes there are two food groups, cereal and chicken nuggets. She spent most of the summer outside wither playing in her pool or the mud... she is definitely an outdoors baby. She has a huge rock and shell collection, is in love with every set of beads that she can get her hands on, and is finally allowing us to put her on the potty most of the time. I have honestly realized how much I love this little girl. I know we are supposed to be awed and amazed with them from birth, but I just hit that plane where I have finally accepted that she is mine, all mine, and I finally have the deepest love for her. I sit and just hug her when she wants to cuddle me, feeling her warmth makes me smile. The smell of her hair, and her little giggle send me into heaven every time. I have known it was in there, but just feeling it on the surface isn't the same. There comes a point when you know that you love them so much and so deeply that nothing can break that bond, and I am so happy to be in that place now.

Keith and I have discussed that this change in me may be from what happened in April.

As I sat here waiting for news of my nephews birth, it was all business as usual. Dealing with Lauryn, Rex, Kent's issues, and life in general, I wasn't paying attention to something, my body. I missed little signals, that looking back, I realized I would have missed anyway. Nothing prepared me for what was to happen though, and I have still not recovered from it emotionally.

April 22nd, I got up and was getting ready for the day when I got very nauseous, and had to sit down on the couch. Every time I stood up this wave washed over me, and I couldn't swallow the heaves away, so I ran to the bathroom where I dry heaved for almost 15 minutes. Almost instantly after the last retch I got the overwhelming urge to pee, so I sat down and tried. Nothing came out as far as urine was concerned, but all of a sudden there was a pop and a plop in the toilet. It was the most fucking ominous sound I have ever heard. I jumped up and looked down and was confronted with what I hope to never see again. A fetus in the bowl. Not just a little something, but a perfectly formed, from what I could tell, fetus. All I could do was stand there and shake in disbelief at what I was seeing. How had this happened?? How did I not know?? What had happened to it?? I think I stood there for almost 5 minutes before I realized I was bleeding all down my legs and onto the floor. I slowly cleaned up avoiding the toilet the whole time, and called Keith at work. He had no words, but asked me if I was ok. Um no. I tried to call the clinic to see what they wanted me to do, but I didn't get anyone on the line. I couldn't go in the bathroom at all, and when Lauryn finally got up, I just held her. No tears. It stayed in there all day until Keith came home, and asked me what I wanted to do about it. I still hadn't heard from the clinic, so I told him that I wasn't going to fish it out of the toilet, and the only way it was gonna get out was if he did it. Well he wouldn't touch it either, so we literally waited until we put Lauryn to bed, went in the bathroom, said a little prayer, and flushed the poor thing. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I pray to the Universe that I NEVER have to do that again.

I talked to my RE the next day and she was sad that it had happened, and was a little upset that I had been unable to get anyone on the phone because she said they would have had me bring it to them for testing. She wanted me to come in for some tests, but when I called the ins. company, they wouldn't approve me seeing her. She told me to keep an eye on the bleeding, and to call her if I had any issues. I bled for almost 2 weeks, and even had milk come in... nowhere near what it did with Lauryn, but since I had still been leaking I noticed that it ramped up a bit for about 3 weeks then wained back to what it had been before.

I struggle with the whole situation still everyday. I know that I missed something, I mean I have always paid attention to my body, but frankly when I spent all these years trying to get pregnant, and the only time I did was when I did IVF, I never in a million years expected something like this to happen. I mean I knew it could, we weren't preventing, but it really wasn't even a blip on my radar. When I look back, I realize that even if I had known, I don't think I could have prevented what happened, but it still doesn't lessen the pain. I have nightmares about it, and I don't expect that to change for the immediate future, since my mind loves to torture me.

So, that is how I came to realize that no matter what I had to let down that wall in my heart as far as Lauryn was concerned, and just love her without abandon. It has been a change for the good as I always felt somewhat disconnected from her in ways that I couldn't explain. Maybe it was the fear that I have always felt about losing her, but now that I have lost a future life, I know that living in the present is what is more important. I can't predict that something bad may happen tomorrow, but I know that for today she is mine, she is here, and she needs her mommy to love her with all that she has. And I do.