November 14, 2006

What do you want for Christmas???

Man is that a loaded question to ask an infertile woman embarking on a possible IVF cycle in a week??? Yeah it is, and boy is he lucky that he still has the right side of his head!!! I still haven’t been able to tell him anything for over a week, so I just told him that I want nothing…. That’s right NOTHING… If I cannot have what I want then I want nothing at all. Spoiled rotten yeah I know…. But that was the one thing I really wanted this year, a baby. A cute, cuddly little person made of the two of us who will be so perfect in every way. I wanted to be shopping for infant toys for our new baby for Christmas, and watching our child grow and interact with Kent. But alas, every day of this year has almost slipped away yet again, and it is one day closer to the end of the 365 days that will soon be known as 2006. I am so sick and tired of trying to smile when I am dying inside. I just want to lay in my bed and not move, I no longer want the world to revolve for me. See I know that there is some profound reason that I do not have a child yet, but it is so hard to choose from the list, it is a long one, and there are many layers to it… kind of like an onion… I keep peeling, and honestly I cannot decide if it is me or the inner workings of my brain that is trying to make me feel “better” for not being able to achieve this pregnancy thing. I am beginning to wonder if I really give a shit anymore, or if that is just my heart trying to brace itself for the inevitable… Crap I am sooooo over this bullshit that has become my life. Why do I even care?? I mean really why should I want to tie myself down with a baby when my son will be going off to college in just a few short years, and the only other obligation that I have is my dogs and cats??? I don’t know. Why do I want to waste all that money when all Clark wants to do is buy an RV so that we can go all over the country side with above mentioned dogs as one big happy family.

My horrorscope for yesterday said this….

Dear Rebel, Here is your horoscope for Sunday, November 12: The good news is that a long-standing issue is about to be resolved, and you don't need tons of cash, fame or power to fix it. What has to happen is much easier and subtler: Just change your mind.

OMG, I sooooo wish I had thought of that YEARS ago… Lord if I had just been that smart then I wouldn’t have tortured myself all this time for no damn reason what so ever... boy what a Machocist I am huh???

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