October 27, 2006

I found it.....

I found it. The bottom of my soul. It isn’t pretty here at all. There is no light, no sunshine, no dreams to look forward to. Nothing. No happiness in everyday actions. There is nothing but heartbreak, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loss. I woke up this morning to a cloudy and gray day, and it didn’t matter to me that I couldn’t see the sun, because I don’t want to see it anymore. The sun represents something I can’t feel anymore. It represents light, warmth, and hope, and frankly here at the bottom of my soul there is none of that. There is no waking up from this dream and finding everything is going to be ok. It isn’t ok, and it never will be ok. I cannot decide if I am mourning for the loss of my fertility, the loss of my will, or just because I have finally realized that I have been lying to myself all these years. A baby will make me whole, that is the lie. Will it really, or will it just be one more thing in this life that will unsettle me. Have I spent so long fighting for this one thing because I HAD to do it, it was something that was the one thing I had lost control over. Control, is that what this is all about? Not the actual longing for a child like most women, but just the control?? I don’t know anymore. I used to, or I think I used to. Now I am just worried that a new life will upset what I have right now, the things that I can control. And that makes me angry. It makes me see just what a selfish person I am. It makes me sick that I have put myself and Clark through all of this, when deep down inside it was all about control. At least that is what I think it was about. See losing that control completely has forced me to step back and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I can’t beat my own body anymore, it has showed me that, it has control, not me. It runs me, it rules me, and once again it has shown me who is the boss. I just live here in my brain and have the hopes and dreams, but that body has to want to fulfill them, and I can see now that it doesn’t want to. It isn’t going to give me an inch. And, I honestly doubt if I can find the strength to fight it, or even if I want to. There has to be a reason that my body fights me so, it must know something that I either cannot see, or refuse to accept. Will this body even allow an IVF to work?? It has already stopped me in my tracks with the last attempt, and if I manage to get over on it and actually make it to a retrieval will I get any eggs, and if that happens, and God willing we actually have embryo’s to put back, what will my body do to those embryo’s?? I am so scared that my body will not allow me to get pregnant, that I am to the point of not even giving my body the chance to hurt me like that. I know that when I do a transfer I am putting our children back inside me, and that my body will control what comes next. I am scared to death of what my body will do with those little babies, and what my heart will be able to handle, if my body makes a bad choice. Or, will it be the right choice? Does my body know what my heart, brain, and soul are so totally unwilling to accept?? I don’t even know anymore, and I am scared, so freaking scared. God, I would give anything for things to be simple again. To be 23 and have the next 10 years to be unaware of what my body held for me at 33, how it was going to let me down, and erase every bit of sanity I thought I had. That is a struggle that is already hard enough for me. Sanity. Trying to keep it together everyday, is hard enough already, I didn’t need to know that my body has plotted against me to make that one task even harder then it already was. It is all so tiring that I can’t even get going during the day. I just want to sleep, and sit in front of the TV where I can watch other peoples lives, and not be bothered with living my own. I have to make no decisions when I do this, no doctors appointments, except therapy, even that is a struggle. She forces me to talk about all of this and makes it so real to me, when all I want to do is forget about it. But I go, and I get up everyday to, not that it matters much to anyone but me. I don’t have to get up at all, I really don’t. That is where I am right now. I haven’t had a shower in days, I don’t care either. I haven’t brushed my hair or my teeth in days. I haven’t changed my clothes in days. And I don’t care. I just don’t care.

2 comments:

mandolyn said...

I sincerely wish that no one ever had to stare at the bottom of their soul because of infertility. I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

Adrienne said...

2am (the time of your post) is the time when we see that dark place - I'm so sorry that you were pulled there. I hope that daylight brought a bit of light and hope back into your soul.