BlackSheep...

As a child I tried to be independent, happy and carefree. My parents were unhappy with each other and not such great parents, which tends to happen when you get pregnant at sixteen and were forced to marry! They are both better off married to the people they have now!! To be honest that start, and things that happened to me through my childhood, good and bad, have shaped the person that I am today. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me, and they would had if I had not had some very special people take an interest in pulling me out of the downward spiral that I was in.

I was therefore colored as the BlackSheep of the family. Frankly I think that even as a 3rd grader the signs of Bi-Polar were there, but they didn't know much about it then, and still won't diagnose kids that young now. Looking back though, it was all there.

So, as I said because I was a little "off", I became the BlackSheep. If I was around, things got blamed on me, even if I didn't do them. We spent a lot of time living with relatives after my parents divorced, due to the fact that my dad was in the Army, and constantly off "defending" his country. I call it running from single fatherhood, but you know how the "greats" never do anything wrong.

As a teen I became overweight, hated school, and for the most part hated life. I attempted suicide several times, and was depressed most of the time. I ended up in residential treatment programs several times due to my depression and attempts to end things. Those places were what changed me. I became aware that the issues that I had weren't really mine, I mean they were, but they stemmed from the things that were done to me as a child. Sexual, physical, and mental abuse can ruin you if you let it. I made the choice not to let it. Of course by then it was to late, things had been set in motion that had labeled me in the family.

I still made some dumb choices... you know like getting married twice just because I could.. that ended badly both times. By the time I met Clark, I really knew what I wanted and needed in a husband, even thought I was only 19. I was still married to #2 when I met Clark, but he knew all about everything and chose to take me on with all of the issues that I had. He saved me, and I do mean that in the figurative and literal sense of the word. I think that had he not entered my life when he did, I wouldn't be here today, or if I was, I would be in a very different place. He accepted me for who I was, no questions asked. I have never felt good enough for him though, just so you know, those pesky little self esteem issues refuse to let my brain accept that someone could love me for me, not what they could take or get out of me. He really is the most amazing person I swear!!

Ok, I got off track.... Back to being the BlackSheep.... So, things in my extended family have never been easy for me. I have always felt uncomfortable when I go back home for big family gatherings, but it really has pained me when I didn't go. I felt like everyone was watching and waiting for me to do something stupid just so they could say that I hadn't changed.

I have not shared a lot about our infertility with most of my family. Those closest to me know what we had to go through to get the Turtle. The main reason I kept quiet was because I knew they would judge me and blame what was now a physical problem on some of my past indiscretion's, even though they have nothing to do with my IF... you know how families can be.

A few years ago before IVF and the Turtle, I went to a family gathering with Kent, and it was all some family could do to not be openly rude about the fact that we had adopted a handicapped child... I said fuck them, and I still do. I love Kent with all my heart, and I don't see him as that poor little handicapped kid they all seemed to have seen.

I promise I am going somewhere with this....

So after all these years and struggles, I have gained a lot of the family back that I lost when I was little. Most of them tell me how proud they are that I made something good out of what started so bad. I have a wonderful life, an amazing husband, and 2 beautiful children. I really have come so far from that scared teen of just 17 short years ago.

So, it really hit me hard and out of the blue a few weeks ago when I found out that my favorite cousin "D" had been telling people from the day Turtle was born that she didn't think the Turtle was my biological daughter, and if we had admitted that we adopted Kent then why couldn't we admit we had adopted her.

Yeah I know right... she put me out there, and I have really struggled with this news every since. I have drafted a hundred letters to her in my heart and in email... none of them sent of course because I worry. I worry about what people will think if I react so strongly to her accusation. Will they think it is true. Not that I give a shit about what they think, but I don't want what I say to affect the families feelings about Turtle. She is my biological child, I mean hell the kid is the spitting image of me really, and most of you here know what I went through to get her here.

I am angry and hurt that this cousin would say such a thing, she was the last person I expected this from, and honestly it has really cut me very deeply. I don't know what to do about it, as I will most likely see her in a few weeks when we go on vacation, and I am honestly not sure I can keep from beating her ass!! I refuse to let her take what I went through to get where I am today with my girl and trash it. I just won't do it. At first I was hurt about the whole thing, and now I am just plain angry. I mean this woman has a husband who is nice, and 4 beautiful children so why in the hell does she need to pick on me??

Dear sweet Internets, I really want to cause her bodily harm for tarnishing such an amazing part of my life with her big mouth. I will not though because that is what would be expected of me. You see I learned a very important lesson this week.... No matter how you change, grow up, and become a better person, people will always judge you by your past.

So, it still seems as though I am and will forever be the BlackSheep no matter how much I change, and as much as that sucks, I really don't give a shit anymore, because I have what I have always wanted... A Wonderful Life!!!

Heparin, Estrogen, and Totcicles... Oh My!!!!!

Let the FET begin!!!

To tell you the truth the whole thing seems rather anticlimactic. No U/S, no visit to the clinic, no blood work, just a phone call with the IVF nurse.

I had to laugh when I called her on Tuesday morning to tell her that I had been visited by the Red Tide, because I still had one Provera pill to take. She had scheduled her to visit this coming Saturday or Sunday... don't they know by now that my uterus refuses to be on their or my schedule by now?? So, this morning I started my Heparin injections (50 units) twice a day, and the Vivelle patches.

Hope is in the house, but I have her ass firmly duck taped, gagged, and stuffed in a closet. So, yeah she is here, but I am not letting her have her way with me just yet.

I will go in for B/W and U/S's on the 17th and 20th. Transfer is scheduled for the 22nd. We will be doing 3 embies ( if they make the thaw) with Assisted Hatching.

We leave for vacation on the 31st of July, and I will be in Utah for Beta day, August 5th, hopefully I will be able to just have my draw done at a lab out there with the results called to me by the docs.

Of course if you have been following me for any amount of time, you know that I will have POAS before Beta day, making it just a formality. I have decided that if the pee sticks are negative, then I will just wait til I get back after the 8th to go in. However, if by some miracle they are positive then I will go ahead and get the draw done out there.

So, there you have it... the game has begun. I am still working on that post I promised you all, but life has intervened once again, with the In laws here this past weekend, and our Internet being crazy, today was the first day that I have been able to sit here for more the 10 minutes w/o issues of some kind. I am working on it though.

Hugs to you all, and welcome to the Braces Bunchers just joining me!!

Finding Time

I can't seem to find the time or the energy to update these days. The summer has gotten started here, and the vacation reservations have been made. Most of my days are spent thinking to the future and what it may or may not hold, not to mention dealing with a very independent yet needy toddler. I am going to do this bullet style since there are a few updates that I need to give you. Here goes....

• Kent had his U/S and followup on the 10 of June, and he does in fact have a hydrocele that needs to be operated on... sometime soon. The original plan was for it to be in July, but when I called the scheduler, she said it may be some time in late August... not bad for an emergent procedure huh?? I meant that last statement with all the sarcasm I could muster. I still strongly dislike his doc, and she still makes me want to scream.



• Turtle was 17 months old on the 17th and still continues to amaze me.



• The In-Laws called last week and said they are coming out this week, so I will be very busy cleaning house the next few days. Oh the joy I am looking forward to with this visit... not. This is the MIL that has no filter, so I am sure that I will be back in a week to regal you with her wonderful and loving comments to me whilst she is here. :o)



• My birthday is quickly approaching, and I am really not ready for it.... to me it is not just one year older, but one more year on a calender to remind me of all the things that I wished I had been able to do before now.



• As I said above, the vacation plans are all in order, and we will be leaving here July 31st, and returning home August 8th. I will be attending a party for my grandparents in my home state, and then we will be going on to see the In-Laws at their house... 2 doses of MIL in less then 6 weeks... shoot me now please. Oh, and our plans were made and solidified before they decided to come out here, so as far as canceling that leg of our trip.... not an option.



• I will start Provera this Wednesday night in preparation for this upcoming FET cycle. A week on that and hopefully AF will make herself known, then I can start the estrogen patches, and the heparin injections. I am very at peace with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work then we will be done. I know it will hurt if it fails, but I am honestly ok with just having Turtle, and the experience that came with her.

I have also been dealing with some loss as my best friend lost her mother to Cancer last Sunday. We went to the funeral to support her, and for right now I am trying to just give her the time, space and love that she needs until her heart heals a little. She is in a sad place right now, and it makes me really hurt for her. I cannot imagine losing my mother so young (her mom was only 43) and I will hold my mother even closer from now on. In a way I feel some survivors guilt because of the fact that her mother was so young, and they were so very close. I really wish she could have had a few more years with her.

I am working on a post in the next few days about some very deep things, but I wanted to let you all know that I was indeed still here, and still going through my days. Hugs to you all.

300.....

When I started this blog almost 4 & 1/2 years ago, I never thought I would be in the place that I am today. I went back and read all of my posts today, and learned a few things about myself.

I am the same person that I was back then, only better. I say better because back then I didn't know how to feel my pain. Sure I put it out there for everyone to read, but I never really felt it. I denied a lot of what I was feeling for a very long time... sorta you know talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

When Turtle was born, I found the place where all those feelings had gone, and when I cracked the seal on it, it really hurt to much to do anything but look at it from afar. As the months have passed I have spent more time then I care to admit in that place, working through what once was my tangled mess of a soul. I can honestly say that I have come to peace with so many hurts from the past, just because Turtle is here now.

Everyday it is like she fills a piece of that dark place with the light that only she has. Having her here has allowed me to let go of so many negative thoughts, things, and feelings about myself and the other people in my life.

I have opened my eyes to see just how beautiful the world can be when you just stop for a minute to really look at it.

I no longer take the time that I have for granted, because I know that at any moment it can all be snatched away, and I want to have lived that time to the fullest.

So here is to 300 posts of tangled mess, and to the future 300 posts... may they be half as great as the Turtle is! :o)

15 years.....

As I typed that my heart skipped a beat.

I have been married to the man of my dreams for 15 years.

It is hard to believe that because it feels just like yesterday.

My mother asked me if it has been worth it, and I told her yes, nothing else has ever felt so right to me in my whole life.

The man I share my life with is the most amazing person, and I am so happy that I found him.

He completes every part of my hearts desires, and more.

He is my hero, and he surprises me with the depth of his love. It is breathtaking.

I watch him with Turtle, and I know that there is no man on this earth who was better suited to walk with me and be the father of our children.

We have and have had our low points, but it is him who carries me through them, and with him I know that our world will always be right.

I can't even put into words my love for him, it is truly all encompassing.

He kissed me softly tonight and I asked what that was for, and he reminded me that this was a special day for another reason to, and I instantly knew what he meant.... June 4th of 2007, I watched tears fall from his eye as we saw the Turtle's heart beating for the first time.

We came full circle again on this day two years ago.

It has been a wonderful 15 years, the last two though were down right amazing....

Here is to many more years with my wonderful husband, I love you with all my heart, and soul.

Screwed again....

by my Uterus and Ovaries!

The Hush Hush reference in my last post was about us doing an FET.

After many hours of discussions, begging, crying, and talking it out, Clark and I finally decided that we would do this one FET, transferring the best 3, and then the rest of our Totcicles will be placed for adoption.

We came to a final decision just 2 days before I was to finish the active pills in my BCP pack, so it was a rush to get the RE and the IVF nurse to order the meds and all that fun junk. I had to go in for blood work to check clotting times since I will be on Heparin for the FET, and we were good to go, or so I thought.

Tuesday I started getting worried because after 5 days off the pill... no AF. So I call, and Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me back and said come in Thursday for B/W and U/S. Everything on the U/S looked quiet, and I waited for the call to start patches. The nurse called and said no go because Dr. OvaryWhisperer needed to sign off and look at the B/W, so I would hear from them the next day. Friday evening, I get the call... No FET this month. My Estrogen and progesterone are all screwed up thanks to the BCP's, and starting meds would have been a waste of time and money. I have to spend 21 days on estrogen, and then 7 days on provera, pray like hell that I get a period so that I can start patches on July 2nd. The earliest that I can start patches for a transfer in July is the 2nd because of the lab closure from the 27th of June to the 7th of July

Now, normally I would be all sunshine and roses about waiting so that everything is just right, but putting off this FET means that I will either have to do one of a few things.....

We are scheduled to go on vacation on the 31st of July, been planned for almost 2 years, and the state I am going to doesn't have one single Labcorp in it.... So.....


1. Have the transfer sometime in the first part of July, and then not get a Beta until sometime in the middle of August.

2. If I don't get AF before the 15th of July we will have to cancel the whole thing until at least September or later, due to above mentioned vacation.

3. Pray like hell that I get AF this week, before Friday, so that I can go ahead and cycle before the lab closes, and don't have to start on the estrogen.

Not to mention the fact that if we do transfer in early July and the Beta is negative, I will be pretty upset, so it could very well ruin the vacation for me!!

I don't know what is going to happen, but I can tell you that the thought "God is tryin' to tell you something" has gone through my head more then once the last 2 days.

However, I need to go on this vacation because,

1) My grandparents are in their 80's, and have not seen the Turtle yet.

2) We need a family vacation where Clark can go to ( he always ends up staying home to care for the dogs)

3) I want to make sure that we enjoy this summer as a family.

4) I miss my mom, and she is on our "To Visit" list.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. I just got so angry with my body last night, no matter how well I treat it, it always ends up screwing me in the end, and I am soooo over it.

I know that my blog has been a lot of gloom and doom for the last little while, and I am sorry if that is turning anyone away. These are my feelings honestly from day to day, and while I hope that things will get better, I have this one hurdle to get over so that I can get on with my life in whatever form it ends up taking. This is a very hard thing for me, harder even then working towards the Turtle, because I know what it is like to have a baby in my life and I want nothing more then to experience the whole thing over again. I am even more frustrated with my body now to then I was before Turtle, because I always expected it to let me down.... Now that I know it can do it, I don't understand why it won't.

I have reverted back to pre-Turtle days in the way that I get all tight in the chest when I see a pregnant woman or a family with a newborn. Pregnancy announcement's hit me hard and deep, even when I know the women have fought hard to get those 2 lines, it doesn't matter, it isn't me getting those 2 lines. I am terribly jealous of any and all pregnant woman right now, and I know I shouldn't be, I have no right to steal their joy, but it seems so hard for me to swallow this pill that I have been handed without a fight. So, I choke, cough, bargain, and beg for the one thing that I desperately want instead of just taking a drink and letting it go down without a fight. I guess I am not much of a quitter, but I am usually pretty unhappy while I am trying to achieve my goal.... figure that one out!!

I will keep you all updated on what is up. Until then Hugs to everyone!!!

38,20,8.......

Unfortunately those are not my winning lotto numbers, those are how many weeks along I would be had any of the last 3 IVF's worked. I know it is a tad morbid to even know them, but I do. I write them in my day planner at the beginning of every month as a reminder of what could have been. I hold on to the past a lot as you can tell.

I have struggled a lot in the last week with the fact that I would be getting ready to deliver had the September IVF worked. I dreamt last night that we were on our way to the hospital with a broken water and contractions 2 minutes apart. I actually woke Clark up and told him it was time to go... he looked at me all retarded and said "What the Hell are you talking about?" It was then that I touched my stomach and realized it had all been a dream, or nightmare if you were.

The older Turtle gets the more this sibling thing is on my mind. It is amazing to watch the advances that she makes every single day. She has become such a little individual... very independent. I watch everything that she learns with total amazement and awe. At 16 months, she is doing a lot of things that she shouldn't, and a few things that she should she doesn't, but most of the time she stuns me with how smart she is.

Clark asks me at least once a week how he is doing, and my answer is always the same... amazing. She loves her daddy so much, and you can see it in her face when she sees him at the end of the day! She cuddles with him more then with me, which is ok with me, and he reads her the same book 10 times a day... he does the animal noises better then me I guess!!

Kent seems to be finally realizing that the shit has hit the fan, and that his issues are serious. He has been very on top of all of his personal care, not that it will last long. We are waiting for his appointment for the U/S, and it seems like forever and a day away, even though it is just on the 10th. He will be doing his end of the year testing all next week, and hopefully he will pass all of the tests so that he can be a junior next year. I am not to confident in that though because he has a few F's... ugh damn teenagers.

There have been a lot of things going on here in my personal relationships that I cannot discuss in detail, just that I have been accused 2 times in the last month of not being a good friend. Total bullshit, but the friend saying it is really hurting, and lashing out at me because of it. However, it is wearing on my nerves and heart because I know I am a great friend, to a fault most of the time. I don't take my friendships lightly, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you really need it, so this has really worn me down.

There are some things in the works that I will update you about in the next week or so, but for right now they have to be hush hush. Thanks again for all of the supportive comments, I couldn't get through this without them.

Appointment Update

Well, I want to first thank all of you again for the well wishes and prayers. We had the appointment this morning, and saying that I am happy with what we were told would be a lie.

It was a very noncommittal affair, and frankly I wish we hadn't gone. I am so pissed at this doctor right now that I could have slapped her and her nurse by the time I left. Her determination is that Kent MAY have a Hydrocele, not he HAS one, or he has Cancer, or anything that I can "take to the Bank", just that she THINKS he may have a Hydrocele. I mean come the hell on, you have been at this for almost 20 years, and you can't give me an answer that can relieve my brains worry center??

We didn't get the ultrasound that we were told we would be having, instead she scheduled it for June 10th with a followup with her right after. I actually just sat in the office stunned that she wasn't worried one little bit that his right testicle was the size of an almond, and that the left one was the size of a peach, or that all together his testicular sack was the size of a grapefruit.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME HERE?? You want me to wait 3 more weeks before you tell me what is wrong with my son??

He will be having surgery at some point though, she would tell me that much. Either to fix what is wrong, or to get a better look at what is going on.

Oh and get this, she actually chided me for being so hard on him about his lack of personal care and attention to his body?? WTF?? I am so sick of his team of doctor's coddling him because he is in a wheelchair. I mean I am trying to raise him to be a man, not a little boy who lives at home so mommy and daddy can take care of him for the rest of his life.

I have to be frank here when I tell you that a lot of Kent's issues are things that if he chose to take better care of himself would not be issues.... Like not taking his blood preassure meds, thyroid meds, or antibiotics for almost 2 weeks. Until I literally threatened to hold him down and shove them down his throat. Without these drugs, he could drop dead.

I have run into this problem over and over with his docs and other people... they look at him and they see this poor kid in a wheelchair, not the inteligent capable young man I know he is. All they see is that fucking chair, and it drives me insane. When people pity him it just feeds into his "woe-is-me" attitude, and makes things so much harder on all of us.

I out right asked him last night how long his testicle had been swollen like this, and he told me he didn't know, maybe like 6 weeks, but he didn't think it was a big deal. He really had no concept of the seriousness of the situation, or just didn't care.

I love this child/young man, and I told him last night after a long discussion in which he told me that he was tired of living his life like this, and how he didn't care what happened to him because it wasn't fair that all his siblings and friends got to be normal, that if he wanted to off himself by way of self neglect, then he better find somewhere else to do it because it wasn't happening in my house.

I am sure that a lot of you can't understand what I am going on about, but it has been so long in coming that I just needed to get this all out of my system. I need this space right now to vent all of the months of pent up frusteration that I have had with him, that I kept to myself. I literally feel like I am fighting a loosing battle here, and I can't seem to get anyone, including him, to take me seriously. All I do know is that I refuse to bury my son because he decided that he doesn't give a shit, and the doctors just refuse to see it coming.

On a different note.... Turtle had a bad day today, and was so overtired by bedtime, that I actually got to sit in the dark and sing my sweet, apple hair detangler scented, exausted little girl to sleep after a 45 minute temper tantrum. As much as the temper tantrum worked my nerves, the fact that she cuddled into my neck, and fell almost instantly asleep when I started singing "Rainbow Connection" to her, made the day just seem all better. God how I love that girl with all my heart.

Thanks so much...

We have an appointment on Wednesday morning to see the Urologist for testing.

Thanks so very much to everyone who left comments and emailed me, I will let you know what I find out as soon as I can.

Wish us luck.

Prayers Needed

For Kent.....

We went to the Nepherologist today for a check up, and as she was looking him over she noticed that his testicles were very swollen. When she palpated them, she felt two masses that are not supposed to be there. She called his Urologist right away, and they are working on scheduling an MRI and an ultrasound for next week. With his cancer history, this could be very bad for him. I am scared that I missed this, but hey, I don't inspect his body all the time, and he thought it was normal for them to be that big. Poor kid is scared out of his mind right now, and it sucks that I can't do anything to take that away.

Could the Universe throw anything else at me??

Oh hell who am I kidding, that is probably an invitation for more shit to head my way!!!

I will let you know when we are to go in...