It is Neverending.....

Well, I am sure that everyone is sick of reading about all the negativity that I seem to have had lately, as evidenced by some of the emails I have gotten, but without being honest about how I feel deep inside, what is the point of even having this journal??? (this was my reason for moving here to Blogger mostly) I mean give me a break, Infertility is so damn depressing that it is SICK!! I cannot get away from it, it is there every morning when I have to take a Birth Control Pill (LOL) and everyday when I sit in my empty house doing nothing... So it is the biggest struggle that I have in my life, therefore it consumes a lot of my journal. Yes there are days when I just want to curl up and die with the heartache, but does that mean I am going to attempt suicide?? Uh NO... I have a 15 year old son and a husband who need me, and I would never do something like that... I have been down that road before, and I am nowhere near it right now. I know that it is hard to grasp the deperation if you have never been down this road, but if you have then you know exactly what I am talking about. It is a world full of a dispair, darkness, doubt, and hearbreak. I cannot help what I feel, and I cannot help that I feel like I have to be so brutally honest about how I feel, I guess that is just me, and if that offends or bothers you, then don't read. I am not one of the people who writes warm fuzzies everytime I post just because that is what I think people need to read, I post what I feel. I am not trying to be a bitch, but this is my space, and my struggle, if honesty isn't your thing, then please don't read this blog.

That out of the way, I still haven't gotten a visit from the Ol' Hag, so I put a call into the RE's office yesterday, and then again today... suprise they didn't call me back yesterday.... When the nurse finally called me back, I told her still nothing as of today which is CD28, and the fact that I took my last pill this AM, not to mention it was the last "sugar" pill, so somwhere my body skipped yet another beat. She told me I needed to come in in the AM for an u/s and bloodwork, but that I should take an HPT tonight... OMG!! LOL!! Yeah right, lets see... I don't ovulate, and my tubes are blocked, so where in the hell do they think is the point is wasting my money on a pregnancy test??? Oh the Irony!!! So, I set the appointment, and the nurse calls back a few minutes later and tells me that she talked to Dr. B, she deffinately wants to get some bloodwork and an u/s, that she needs me to have a "bleed" and that this is very perplexing to her. Just what I need to hear... once again I have perplexed the Doc... LOL So I have to be there at 11:30 tomorrow, and I am not sure that I will see my doc, but I hope so. The hardest thing about this is that I will not get to cycle this month, so we are done for the year. I cannot get in under the wire on starting Stims before they close the lab for the year. So, thanks to this body I live in it will be January before we can start anything again. I spent most of the afternoon crying and sleeping. Clark was home today because he had Jury Duty so he let me sleep and then woke me up for dinner. I didn't even want to get up, but I did just to spend time with him and Kent. I don't get this crap, I even quit smoking to make this work....

The weather here was shitty all day to, so that didn't help much with my depression!! Not to mention that the doc wants me back on one of the meds on a list that he gave me, and I cannot see how any of the ones that he gave me to look up are any better then the Seroquel that I just quit taking. I cannot see putting any future child I may have at any risk besides the ones that they will already have. I looked all of them up and they are all class C drugs, and so new that there is no real research on the side-effects on a fetus. Good grief I haven't even gotten pregnant yet, and I am so consumed with what I am going to do to this little life just because a doc thinks that I need drugs to maintain. I told him the last time I saw him that I was doing a lot better off of the Seroquel anyway, a lot less fussy with Kent and all that, and that yes right now I have been having more depression, but hell who wouldn't?? I don't know what to do.... I am hoping that when I am at the docs tomorrow I can talk to them about the meds to. I am still on the anti depressant, but I just don't feel like I need the other one at all.

My dad called today and said that he isn't coming for Thanksgiving after all. They had called last week, and said that they were finally going to come out for a few days and what were we doing for turkey day, Nothing, so they said they were gonna come out. Well, I guess that he couldn't get the time off after all, so it had to get nixed. I might get to see them soon though, but not sure. Since I am not cycling this next month I might get to go on a little road trip. Not sure how much I can say here because it would be a suprise, and I am not sure if the people read this... LOL I know it is killing me to cuz I want to share!!!

Well, I am going to head off to bed, I will update about the doctor visit tomorrow night. Clark and I will be going out to dinner cuz Kent has a dance at school so that should be a nice break... we did get to spend a lot of time together today since he was home, and it was nice. He is such a rock for me!!! I love that man soooo much!!