December 30, 2008

The End of a Year.. Or why do I really care??



I have to start out and say that the P.S. on my last post was directed at a distant family member who ever so politely reminded me that his wife could make babies w/o having to do it in a test tube... and then blocked my emails so that I could not respond... (but I know you read here...) so yeah good for you and your wife Jackass... I hope your right. Just because one "can" reproduce doesn't always mean they should...


Last week was a treat. There are people in my family I have decided that I can do with out. I am over the childish behavior that has accompanied him through the years. Done. No time for the dumb shit anymore. Thank you very much. He reads here to, and didn't have the balls to admit that he had been here until I made an offhanded comment about Kent and the Turtle. He got all uppity, and tells me that he reads my blog, and it is sad that I chose to only talk about Turtle here like she is our only child. I am not doing Kent the justice that he deserves as an adoptive child, our son. We don't include him.

OK follow along. Kent doesn't really wish to be talked about here, there is only so much that I can say and maintain my anonymity, and his. If you had read back far enough, you would know that. Stop pretending you know me. You have no clue the person that I have become, and since you won't take time to pull your head out of your ass and see the real me, then piss off. I refuse to carry guilt that I don't deserve anymore. If you want it, then you can have it all to yourself. I am finished.

So Santa was good to the Infertiles this year for the most part. I got to watch the Turtle get ever so distressed as Clark ripped the paper on her gifts.... She stared at him like he was totally nuts!! I know it had to be going through her mind that mommy fusses about ripping paper all the time so how DARE he sit in front of her and more or less demand that she TEAR UP SOMETHING. She tried to put the paper back where it came from. Ah my analness is rubbing off already!! LOL She was so cute, and loved most of her gifts. There was one from the MIL that scared the hell out of her, it will go in a closet for a few years.

Kent got mostly clothes as he is getting to the age where he is pretty hard to buy for anymore, so new shirts, pants and gift cards tide him over just fine!! Turtle got him the coolest pair of ear buds for his iP*d, and he really liked those.

Clark got sleep pants.... he will never sleep in them, but they were cute!! A tin of Honey Roasted Peanuts. One T-shirt, that I had to get him, HAD to!!! Turtle got him a digital picture frame for his office since he doesn't hang stuff on the walls, and didn't want 10 million frames all over his desk.

I ended up with the camera I had been begging for. Let me just say this.... while it is nice, Kodak needs to get with the program. The camera didn't come with a memory card, a charger, or batteries. Now I could see it if this was say a 50 dollar camera, but it wasn't it was WAY more then that. I just feel like if you aren't going to include the extras, at LEAST forewarn people so that they aren't out X-mas eve trying to buy stuff for said gift when they finally figure it out that the batteries weren't included. Do you know WALMART was Closed really early Christmas eve?? Oh the RedNeck in me was just incensed!!! How dare they Close Walmart??? Poor Clark had not realized that the camera wasn't self powered until he went to charge it up so that I could open it first thing and then take pics of the morning with it.

So off we dash to WallyWorld, only to find out they had closed, and so had most of the rest of this tiny town. There was even a 45 minute wait at the IH*P, which was half empty mind you. So we had Chinese buffet!! I think Turtle ended up happier that way, as she LOVES the mac-n-cheese there, not to mention the bananas with strawberry jello!! She is already a True Southern Girl in her food tastes.

Oh and the batteries were a must have because you cannot use alkaline batteries in this camera. It must be a "pack" or rechargeable, which were as I said above not included. He knew there was no memory card and got those, but batteries people?? Come on now!! Oh and since then I have looked them up on the Net... yeah OK what a racket, it is almost 50 bucks for 2 battery packs, and the charger. I will buy them because I have to, but I am not happy about it!!!

All in all Christmas was nice. It was good to see the family that we have become.

Kent has been a little better behaved so that helps a lot. He has been having some issues with a few people from his birth family, and that was also heavy on my heart last week. I want so much for him to be able to have contact with the family that he wants to, but when those people are full of negativity then he wants nothing to do with them. The hard thing is that it then becomes "my fault", and I have now managed to brainwash him apparently. No people, he just got a mouth, a pair, and decided to tell people he didn't have room in his life right now for them. On one hand I have to be proud of him for standing up for himself like that, and then on the other it hurts my heart because I know he is hurting over trying to do what is right for HIM. I just hope he has the strength to keep going and understand that there are just some people that you are better off without, even if they do share your DNA.

I am ending this year a lot different then I began it. I read my blog for the last few months, and it really made me sad really. I have to let go of things that are keeping me locked in unhappiness. Enough with the bitter, angry me. I can't afford to carry the weight of these feelings anymore. I have decided that this is the last year that we will try for another baby. If 2009 ends with just Kent and Turtle, then that is how it ends. I want to get to living my life with my husband and my kids, and as long as I look for every pain and twinge to be the sign of an impending pregnancy, or keep doing cycles, I cannot do that. So that is the only "resolution" if you want to call it that, this is the last year to make a baby.

I want to leave you with something Clark asked me the other night. He peeked at me as we were snuggling on the couch watching TV, and out of the blue says:

"How am I doing?"

"Huh??" I asked looking up at him.

"With Turtle. How am I doing with her?? Do you think she is gonna be one of those girls who has issues when she grows up because she doesn't feel like her daddy loved her enough??"

"No dear, you are doing an awesome job."

"Are you sure?? I really worry."

"You and every other Dad on the planet!! No dear you are an amazing daddy."

"OK. Do you think I will be able to love another one as much as I love her??"

"I certainly hope so sweetie, otherwise there would be no point in having more then one!"

He amazes me with the depth with which he worries about how she will think of him when she grows up. Poor guy, I think he is worse off then me in the heart on his sleeve department!!

Happy New year all my sweet friends.

This is the year to make all our dreams come true.

Love hard, it will come back to you in the end!! :o)

December 28, 2008

Hmmmm

It has been a long 8 days.

I have had some personal issues going on that needed attention.

I told you I hate the Holidays... it seems to bring out the worst in some people especially family.

Lupr*n on board..... IVF#5 here we go.

Will post longer in the next day or so, I am really trying to absorb the little person that has started to become so totally self aware and doing the funniest shit in the last week!! She is toooo awesome!!

I miss you all, and hope that you had great Holidays!!

P.S. No one calls them Test Tube babies anymore you retard... she was "made" in a petri dish... course if you had half a freaking brain you would know that!!!

December 20, 2008

Not so Jolly Holidays


The end of the year is not a good place for me. I really don't like the Holidays at all.

I have had a lot of loss around the holidays. Both of my grandparents died just a little more then a year apart, right after Thanksgiving. I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandmother, and I still miss her terribly every day. Honestly it has sucked the fun right out of them.

I tried to work through that issue when Kent came to live with us, and for 2 years I thought it really worked.

I went all out with the tree, the house, the yard (if you call the 10 x 10 area outside of our then apartment a yard) I had a blast, sorta.

It is hard though when you have an older child who doesn't believe in Santa anymore ( I know, I still know he is out there to!!).

Since we got our house, I have always put up the tree, and the first year I pulled out the rest of the decorations. Since then, they have stayed in the shed.

Over the weekend I bought the most pathetic looking fiber optic tree. Our other tree is huge, and we were worried about the Turtle pulling it over, or pulling off the ornaments, so we decided to get this sad little thing that really doesn't need to be decorated. She loves it, and leaves it alone, maybe because it looks goofy.

I want to enjoy the Holidays, but I just can't seem to find the joy in them anymore. I need to find it for the Turtles sake. I don't want her to grow up not having the fun that I did when I was a little girl.

Christmas was the most amazing day of the year for me. I loved it. The awe was overwhelming most of the time. I came to love that day more then any other because I really felt loved by my father at least that one day of the year.

Of course now that I am grown I can look back and see that the day was nothing short of a buy out for the year to come. Behave, stay out of the way, and take care of my brothers. In that order. It was his day to buy me off for the next 365. Keep the secrets for another year. Hide the bruises for him. Pretend.

So, as you can see the Holidays have become a haunt for my ghosts, both physical and emotional, and I have decided that this needs to be the last year that I hold them at bay and let the memories of the good times take over and replace all the hurt. I know it will be hard, I have done it for the rest of the year, so now I need to make the last month just as safe a place for my heart.

This year, I have the Turtle to help me start to heal. I hope that with every year that passes from now on, I will make sure that she knows just what an amazing gift she has been for me. I want to make her every year more amazing then the last. She is my savior.

December 18, 2008

Eleven Months

Wow, hard to believe I am writing this already.

Eleven months yesterday.


I couldn't write yesterday, I spent more time with Turtle, and being weepy.


I am trying to hold on to the past 11 months. Reliving it all in my sleep everynight.

Wow. I just blinked and she was born.




This was her last night eating Chicken and Dumplings... She Loved them, and I have started to let go and let her make messes with her food... Hey I came to accept that we all had to learn how to eat!!! I have some control issues!!! :o)

December 12, 2008

14 Weeks


I still miss them.


I can't believe that it has been that long since I last "held" Cream and Wheat.

I feel like I just blinked the last 14 weeks away.

I have been reading my milestone/keepsake book from Turtle's pregnancy everyday. I would have just entered my second trimester.

Instead Wednesday night I had to take a pregnancy test......

Thanks to Clark for getting it, and getting grilled by the county busy body who checked him out, she wants to know how the test turns out!! Ha!!


Yesterday I got to enjoy a call from the Clinic's newest nurse... GigglingIdiot.. She drives me NUTS!!! She actually asked if I was sure the HPT was negative.... Ok retard, do you think I would have called for my calender and to start the BCP's if it had been the slightest hint of a line???

So yeah I got my calender, and started downing the lovely birth control yesterday. Further proof that I am not 14 weeks pregnant.

Shit that really hurts.


Of course it will be the Turtle's 1st birthday in 6 weeks.

Wow, only 6 more weeks and my baby won't be a baby anymore.

Her first Christmas is right around the corner. How did it happen?? I was just posing in my Santa gear with my baby belly. Oh how I miss that day. I want to hold her safe like that again. All to myself. Now I have to share her. :o*(

So:

BCP's- 12-11-08
Lupr*n- 12-28-08
Last BCP- 12-31-08
Start Stims- 1-08-09

So ladies and gentlemen it is back on..... here we go again!!

December 7, 2008

A Line in the Sand



I often struggle with my heart. It is a big thing, and it gets me into so much trouble.

Of course I am not refering to the actual organ that resides in my chest keeping me alive.

I am talking about that one that I wear on my sleeve.

I know that a couple of posts ago I put up the picture of the
T-shirt I have, and while most of the time it is true...

(you know like when you are Black Friday shopping, and the woman behind you refuses to stop running up your ankles, and you have to cuss her out... yeah that is usually when I don't care)

But when I have a friend(s), maybe we have never met IRL, but we have shared something so sacred as a journey through IF, and come out on the other side somewhat intact.

I love them and care for them with all that I have.

Call and need something for one of them.

I am there.

Need a shoulder.

I am there.

Anything.

I am there.

Late night phone calls.

Long IM's.

Emails, cards... the list could go on.

I have held hands and wiped away tears, all because of this thing we call IF.

I will have some of the friends I have made on the internet, because of Infertility, for the rest of my life.

Some of them have moved on, perhaps the memories to painful, with a soft goodbye.

Some however have choosen instead to walk away. Not in a nice "see you sometime" way either.

They have decided to try to hurt me on the way out.

I am not your average woman. I am no girly girl. I love my fun like a guy in most ways. Give me a truck to "mud" in, I will have a ball. Take me out on a 4 wheeler running wide open in the woods... ahh fun.

I have a sometimes very sick sense of humor.

I am brutally honest and blunt.


I am Bi-Polar

Oh yeah and then there are the animals..... 6 dogs and 3 cats... it used to be more... I had puppies all over the place. We ran a rescue from our house, and brought pregnant dogs home from the local pounds so they and thier puppies could find good homes. Come on you know us Infertiles... we hoard the furry four legged kids til we get real babies.


I am not however... dirty, nasty, mean, rude, crazy, drama queen... some of the words used to describe me recently.

I guess what I am saying is that, yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, I choose to do so willingly. In the last few months though, the stitching has been coming slowly unraveled as one by one people I thought were my friends have done things that I can't understand.

I am simple with my feelings. I love my friends and my family, faults and all, however I have really been trying hard to understand what is causing all of this, and I finally decided:


It is me.

I am to loving and caring.

To honest and willing to share my everything with everyone.

I don't hide my faults.

So people see me as I am.

What you see is what you get.

At some point it either bothers them, or they just start not caring.

We all change, I am not nieve enough to think things will stay the same forever, I just don't expect that people will so brutally hurt me on the way out.

So tonight I am drawing a line in the sand, and people are either on my side or thier not.

No more games, my heart can't take it.

I took it off and put it in a pocket to keep it safe. There may be a day I pull it back out and sew it on my sleeve again, but until then, I am standing by the people I KNOW who have stood by me, and the rest.... well you either stand on my side, or you don't.

December 3, 2008

You asked for it.... You got it......

Ok... you asked for fashion no-no proof and I give you this....... Note the checked pants?? Ok, now note the shirt under the sweater?? That so totally doesn't go together!!! I was four in this picture!!! Not much has changed except the size of my ass... literally!!!



This is of my brother and I from his first Christmas... Isn't he just the cutest???


This is his second Christmas... I think I was 6-7.... Check the Cool ass toys I got that year!!!! You know you wanted a Mr. Microphone to!!!!



Now... this is my blackmale picture to show all his kids when they grow up!!! I was making the poor boy model my new jewlrey set!!! I am so totally sure that I traumatized this poor boy far more then he deserved!!!


There you go.... hope you enjoyed seeing me in all my tender young glory!!! :o)





December 2, 2008

Confession of a Mother

Hi.

I am Rebel.

I am a Gymb*ree addict.

I had s*x with my husband last night so that I could purchase $160.00 worth of their clothes for the Turtle.

Clark doesn't see this as an issue(obviously, he gets the better end of the shaft!! :oP~~), I however hope that the Turtle will appreciate all of the sacrifices I make for her so that she can have totally cute clothes.

I can't help it though.

I swore that if I ever had a little girl that I would not dress her in UGLY clothes.

I was a child of the 70's, and frankly our parents really put some hideous outfits together back then!! I shudder to think of all the fashion no-no's that happened to me... I actually do have some photo's... it isn't pretty people!!!

So there now you know my secret confession... I am a clothes whore.

Literally.

She better thank me for this some day!!!

November 29, 2008

That couldn't have hurt More

Kent.

What a mess I have created.

Our old adoption worker from DSS said that now would be a good time to try to get Kent back in touch with his birth family.

She told me that they had noticed that kids who have some form of contact before 18 tend to stay at home with the adoptive family. Also that if things go to shit with them then he can see that we are in fact here for him, before he has a legal right to leave our house.

I thought it over.

Seemed like a good idea.

Made sense.

So, yesterday I broached the subject with him about getting in touch with his family. I figured with it being the holidays, it might make him more receptive to the idea, and them to him if he called.

I couldn't have screwed up worse.

Do you think I thought to look to see if the one person I KNEW he would want to call? The one person who really mattered the most. The one person whose phone number he had memorized, and called.

Disconnected.

His grandmother.

She passed away over a year ago, and he sat right here next to me as I accidentally pulled up her obituary.

God, I am stupid.

Don't ask me why I didn't think to look up some of this stuff before I even opened my mouth, but I really didn't think that she would be gone.

He left my side and went in his room to cry. I followed him, and hugged him harder then I ever have. He looked at me with tears streaming down his face and said....

"It's not even that she is gone that hurts me the most, it is that they didn't let me know that she was gone that is hurting me the most. She was the only one that always made sure we were always ok."

It actually pissed me off, because he is right. His father KNOWS where he is. The family could have contacted DSS and they would have gotten in touch with us. There was no reason for them not to get a message to Kent. It makes me angry for him.

I feel like crap for the way that it went down, but now I have started searching for them so that he can speak to them. He can take it from there.

I didn't think that I was going to break his heart, and now I have to try to fix it.

November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving



The blue of her eyes.

The sly little grin.

The hair that is just to short to pull up in bows.

The cute little nose that turns pink when she laughs.

The ruddiness of her cheeks when she is fresh from a nap.

The smell of her neck after her bath.

The little hands that always find my finger.

The way she sleepily rests her head on my shoulder.

The giggle, she is so stingy with it still.

The way her eyes light up when she sees her Daddy.

The way her eyes light up when she sees her big brother.

She is my everything.

She truly has made me a Mother.

Thankful... that one little word doesn't even begin to describe it.

Dude!!!!

Ok, so I totally have found the light!!! Did you know that a doctor can tell you that your kid is great and needs no intervention, after spending less then 15 minutes with us??

WHATEVER!!!

Kent's kidney doc told me that yesterday when I told her that we were considering res. treatment. I am sorry you know so much more about my life with him then I do!!

I realize that these people are professionals, but I really hate it when doctors preach to me and make me feel like an ass when I know I am right, but they have MD behind their name, so they MUST be right, right??


Why is this???

I guess that my almost 10 years of dealing with this child, when you have known us for less then a year, should count for something. I wake up with him in the morning, I deal with him all day, and I put him to bed everynight. I am here, I am the one who sees what he does to himself.

I forced him to admit that he had not been taking his meds right. He was totally pissed at me, even after I explained to him that Lying to the doc doesn't hurt them, it hurts him.

He totally doesn't get it at all.

I am so over this crap.

You know the other thing that totally drives me insane?? His mouth!! OMG if I even thought about talking back like he did, my teeth would be a set of dentures. Half the time it isn't even what he says, it is how he says it, meaning tone of voice. I have explained this to him over and over.

I get it he is 17, but I think that I deserve just a tad bit more respect then he seems to feel that I do.

I am sure that you all get tired of hearing about this, but I have no place to go with this, I cannot get the docs to follow my lead, and this child will be a "Man" in less then a year.... I can't even begin to imagine the fate that awaits him should he choose to leave here next October, and go "home".

It literally makes me cry and breaks my heart all in the same breath!! I need him to know how to take care of him self, and feel confident that he will do it, and this is the only way that I can think of to bring reality to his little world. Geez, this sucks!!

November 21, 2008

Reaching Out.... Urgent


I don't get worked up about to many things...

I mean REALLY worked up... you can stop laughing now.

A few months ago, I added a picture with a link to my sidebar. The Hailey Kent Fund website. I sent an email to Lollipop (Mel), she posted the site at the
Lost and Found.

I have gotten a few emails asking, and I had been wondering how she was doing, and how the money raising situation was going. I emailed my friend, and I received this e-mail back this morning:

Hey:)

Hailey is holding her own. We raised enough to have one IVF cycle and it just came back negative:( We will see what we can do from here. I pray Hailey and her family will have the strength to hold on until we have a successful IVF cycle. It is so sad and heart breaking it is hard to talk about. Thank you for asking. Hopefully there will be some great developments in the near future and I will have a wonderful update.


Now, I can tell you that since having the Turtle, my outlook on a lot of things have changed. Normally I would have frowned on this kind of a project, but not now.

Kent had Cancer. If it had taken him I wouldn't have this amazing kid in my life (yeah I know we have our moments). I cannot imagine that.

I can also not begin to imagine losing my little girl after all we went through to have her here with us. It would kill me. Literally.

I know that the Holidays are fast approaching, and the economy sucks the big one, but I am asking... no I am Begging that if you can find any way to help this family out that you do it!!!

Go over and look at her photo's and read the post. She is adorable, and I really would love to see this family get the double blessing that they are looking for, and deserve.

Most of us have been in a dark place, like they are now, and had some Angel(s) help pull us out. I think that you friends of mine out there can be just the Angels to do that for this family.

If you want to help, you can either go to the website for info, or contact me through e-mail, and I will set you up with the right people.

Let's make this Holiday season an extra special one for Miss Hailey!!!


P.S. Should you not chose to accept my challenge... I will hunt you down and make you listen to me sing Christmas Carols for hours on end..... trust me this should totally motivate you!!!! :oP~~~~~~~

November 20, 2008

Awww......

See...... I told you I was loved!!!!




Momofonefornow over at
Stop the Train, I want to get off bestowed me with this award a few days ago!!! This is the second time I have gotten it, and I am just over the moon that she thinks I am cool!! :o) the rules are a little different this time around.....

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers: There was no way to stick to the one word rule!!

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Couch
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Colorado
5. Your father? Kentucky
6. Your favorite thing? Turtle
7. Your dream last night? Bizarre
8. Your dream/goal? Be the Best Mother I can be
9. The room you’re in? Dining Room
10. Your hobby? IVF :o)
11. Your fear? Losing Clark
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Right here
13. Where were you last night?
Home
14. What you’re not? Cold
15. One of your wish list items? World Peace :o)
16. Where you grew up? All over
17. The last thing you did? Burned the trash
18. What are you wearing? Sweats & T-shirt
19. Your T.V.? This Old House
20. Your pet? Which one??
21. Your computer? eMachine
22. Your mood? Bitchy
23. Missing someone? Grandmother
24. Your car? Mazda5 (Zoom, Zoom Baby!!)
25. Something you’re not wearing? Rings
26. Favorite store? Wal*Mart
27. Your Summer?
Hot
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Sage Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? 2 Seconds ago
31. Last time you cried? Today

Now I am passing this on to the following people:


1. Cate

2. Snippet

3. Brynn

4. Baby O

5. ZGirl

6. Will

7. Emily

Now if you will notice, these aren't your normal average every day Bloggers.... they are new. Very New!! I thought it might be a bit of a challenge to give this award to some of the cutest little bloggers that I love to see!!! It was very hard to pick just 7 though. Not to mention I am very interested to see how they anser some of those questions!!! This ought to be fun!!!



November 19, 2008

It was a Wonderful Wendsday!!!

It turned out better then I thought it would!!

1. They had a guy come out right away and fix the heat before I even left. Cost was $150 bucks so not to bad... although I have to tell you I think I am in the wrong line of work.... for that fact, so are hookers... that guy got $95 for 20 minutes worth of work. Geez. But hell I have HEAT!!!!!

2. It was a POLYP!!! No Cancer!!!!!!!!!! there were some "Funny" cells NOT Cancer, but she said it can be associated with the stimming meds that I took, so she "thinks" that is all that was. The other was a band of tissue at the very top of my uterus that she removed, and doesn't think will come back. She informed me today that she was worried the news was not going to be good on the polyp though because it didn't look like any polyp to her... see my ute never does anything the right way... it can't even do polyp's right... geez!! I walked out of the clinic the proud owner of 3 packs of BCP's, and a plan to do a fresh cycle with PIO after the new year. The Lab has a closure the end of December, so there is no way I will make the cut off to start stimming and retrieve/transfer before then. We are going to do a fresh cycle, and save the 4 frozen ones for a Hail Mary, if the 2 fresh cycles fail.

3 & 4. Kent is fine, MRI was clear and no NED (New Evidence Of Disease). He was not happy that his dad called his bluff in front of the docs!! I will start working with the clinic's social worker to find a placement in a rehab center for him when she gets back from vacation this week. He still doesn't know, and we are keeping it that way for now.... I already have enough issues with him as it is!!!


It is late.

I am tired, and I have an award to post for you all tomorrow... cuz someone Lubs me!!! Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts!! I really think that they helped... well me anyway, not so sure Kent would agree with that assertation!! :o)

GAH!!!!!!!!



It is early and the day has started to go in the crapper.....

1. The heater broke last night... do you know that thing isn't even 6 years old, and it was in the low 30's here last night... that is freaking COLD people!!!!

2. My follow up from surgery is today.... not sure what to expect. I honestly think I am at a point where I don't care either way though... bring on the news!!

3. Kent's follow up from his MRI is today.... PLEASE no more Cancer!!!

4. Wish me luck as this is also the day when I will talk to the doc's about admitting Kent for residential care. Not sure what they will say. They were emailed in advance that this talk was coming though, so hopefully it will go ok, and they will be on board. If not, it doesn't matter, it is going to happen, just would be nice to have their support.

So instead of a Wordless Wendsday, I am hoping for a Wonderful Wendsday....

November 18, 2008

10 Months.....

I am a day late, but then I am late all the time...... so without further adieu.....



She was having a banana for brunch, and desperately wanted the whole thing in her mouth NOW!!! She has also started this thing where she LOVES to squish all her food!! It is messy, but oh so cute!!!

It is so hard for me to imagine that she is 10 months old already, and that in just a few more short weeks she will be a year old. Where has all the time gone?? I look at her now, and I revel in the little person that she has become, but my heart feels sadness that she isn't my little baby anymore. She needs me in different ways, not so much, and yet in some ways more.

I love watching her cuddle with her Daddy, it bring tears to my eyes, and catches my breath every time. He is the most amazing father with her, and I honestly couldn't have picked a better man to share my life and my daughter with.

I look forward to watching her grow. She is my biggest ray of sunshine, and will forever be my "Baby".

I love you Turtle!!!

November 16, 2008

Elimination Communication??

If I had read up on this style of parenting I may have been prepared for tonight......

We had an amazing dinner, homemade Chicken and Dumplings, it was awesome!!! We are trying to let the Turtle self feed as much as possible, and I knew this meal would be interesting to say the least.

It was.

The dogs got most of her dinner, as she suddenly thinks she must be a mommy bird.... she will chew up her food, and then spit it on the floor and giggle hysterically as the dogs try to kill each other to get there first. Oh yeah this is why I have 2 clear shower curtains to protect the floor from her newest fascination. Ok, I will admit it is kinda funny to watch the dogs bust ass to get the tiny little morsel that she drops, but I can't let her know that!!

Between the Chicken and Dumplings, and the strawberry pop tart she had for desert, she was a mess to say the least, so I made Clark undress her right in the dining room over the shower curtain (I can get most any stain out of her clothes trust me!!!) so that the dogs could catch the crumbs, and so that my side of the bed would remain dinner less. (Clark has this thing that he does every night when he gets her ready for her bath where he tosses her on the bed and tickles her til she laughs... well with all that food stuck to her clothes, I would have been sleeping in pop tart... no thanks)

I had run her tub, and he brought her in and put her in the water. Now most nights I get in with her because now that she has become a "cruiser" she has no fear, I need to be right there to keep her from busting her face, or other parts while she tries to climb around the tub. Tonight however I just didn't feel like I wanted to get in, and was going to make it a short bath anyway. So I sat on the toilet, and watched her play.

Turtle has recently found another past time that amuses her to no end.... she is a very gassy girl, and being Clark's daughter, she finds passing gas to be just as hysterical as "feeding" the dogs. She will even laugh if one of the dogs does it. Oh hell who am I kidding she laughs when anything in the house farts for crying out loud. She has brought herself literally to tears twice when she has "Bubbled" (Clark's term) in the tub... it was cute, but I have to be the adult here, and pretend it wasn't funny as hell. Right??

So I am sitting on the toilet... and no I wasn't going, I had the lid down.... geez.... she is splashing and doing her thing when all of a sudden she farts, and laughs. She was over it in like 3 seconds, and back to playing. She farts again, giggles for 5 seconds this time, and goes right back to her toys. About 2 minutes later she looks up at me, gets the biggest grin on her face, farts, long and loud, smiles bigger then ever, and in the instant that it took to register in my tired little mind what was going to happen...... she laughed and crapped in the tub!!!!!

It wouldn't have been that bad if I had been able to stop laughing and hold her over the toilet, but I just couldn't pull it together. The look on her face was priceless. All the noise brought Clark down to the bathroom, and I don't know which I will remember more, the look on her face, or the look on his!!! He totally freaked out, and started yelling at me to get her out of that poopy water, now we were going to have to wash her with bleach (ok dad), and throw all of her tub toys away. He barely let me get her washed up before he snatched her out of my hands, and was soothing her. She on the other hand was more interested in the huge mess that she had left in the tub!!!

Most parents get to wait until their child is a toddler before they pull that famous move, but Turtle is obviously an overachiever already!! She has never even had a #2 diaper after dinner, so this was a first all the way around. Now that I know the signs, maybe I will try to get her on the toilet.....

November 15, 2008

Up for Air

So, I have been doing the whole thinking thing, and I regret to inform you all that as a blond it has become increasingly difficult for me.

Turtle will be 10 months old in 2 days, and I find myself definitely reverted back to the very angry, very bitter infertile that I was just 10 short months ago. I realized its depth while at the pediatricians office during a visit that was forced by the Klonopin episode of late.

Turtle and I took a tumble over the baby gate, and we both ended up with nasty bruises, but she started having a fit every time I would change her diaper, so I wanted to get her hip checked just to be on the safe side. Clark was with us, and I swear to you it was the the only time I have been in that office when there had to have been a birth wave over the weekend. Twelve, yes twelve newborns under a week old were paraded in front of my face in the 45 minutes that we sat in the waiting room. If it hadn't been for Clark holding my hand I probably would have melted in a puddle of tears.

I almost got into a verbal confrontation with a mother of twins who was there professing the goodness of her RE... who I know for a fact to be a joke, but I kept my mouth shut.

I fell into a tearful mess when the Ped made Turtle cry while manipulating her hips. She then restored my faith that they weren't going to call CPS by giving me a big hug and telling me that if this ended up being the worst thing that I ever unintentionally do to the Turtle, it will be a miracle!!! Her hip is fine, just a deep muscle bruise, and she is already over it and crawling all over the house.

I have returned to the land of hating to see pregnant women.

I can hardly stand to walk into the baby area of any store... and I HAVE to buy diapers people!! I have been forcing Clark to do alot of the "baby" associated shopping, or I will literally walk down the isle mindlessly grabbing things just to hurry my exit from the area. That is starting to get a little expensive honestly.

Yesterday I found myself at our local children's hospital for Kent's yearly MRI. I was frozen with fear from the time we walked in the front door. Mostly because I fear that this is the MRI that will usher back the C word into his life. Secondly because it has an amazing amount of those little things called Babies. Even with the Turtle there with me (which we found out was actually not allowed) I would feel my breath catch everytime I saw a tiny little bundle.

I really didn't think it was going to be this hard after I had the Turtle to give up the anger and bitterness. I really hope that I will start to see things differently, and soon.

November 11, 2008

Bad Uterus... No Embryo's for you...

I know it has taken me longer then I expected to get back up on my feet and get typing. My heart and mind have had a lot to process. Physically it was harder to bounce back this time to. I wanted to get to a place where I could think clearly about the past few days without breaking down into a sniviling mess before I posted about the surgery.

So the Hysteroscopy was so so. The Cytotec was horrible!! Dr. OvaryWhisperer told Clark that there were 2 masses, one of them totally occluding my tubes, that she removed. One being possibly a polyp, and the other she wasn't sure. They are off in the pathology lab to get checked out. There is also an issue of some scar tissue in the ute. It seems to have come from the bleed that I had when I was pg with the Turtle, and it is right in the spot where they leave the embies during a transfer, that is also where some of the polyp was at. The fact that I will cycle again is completely up in the air for at least a few months, in all reality this could very well mean an end to our journey. To put the embies higher risks ectopic pg, and lower just is closer for them to"fall out", or cause severe previa issues if they implant so low.

My heart is in a million pieces and have decided to keep most of the info to myself IRL for now. I get tired of the pity people get on their faces when I try to talk about it, so I am just not going to go there for awhile. I have my post-op follow up on the 19Th, and I guess we will deal with the questions then. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed about this development, because I was hoping and praying that she would get in there and see NOTHING but a shiny happy ute, but then in my heart I knew better.


Things on this journey have never been easy for us, and it really pisses me off that I have to struggle to win every little battle, when there are teens and drugs addicts out there just popping kids out left and right. Where is the justice in that?? I guess the bitter old me before the Turtle is back in full strength again. I am sick to death of the comments, and I swear to you all that the next person who even thinks about telling me that "I should just be thankful that I have the Turtle" is going to get the holy shit kicked out of them. Of course I am thankful for her....more then I am sure she or anyone who hasn't struggled with IF will ever understand. She lights my days, and makes me happier then I have been in a long time.

I guess I am just tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired of trying. Tired of crying. Tired of having my heart broken. Tired of feeling like I am not ever enough. Just plain tired. Maybe I am done with all this IF crap, and maybe I am not, but I can tell you that I am worn slam out with the injustice of it all.

November 8, 2008

It was the drugs!!

Just a quick note to say that I am OK, just had a hard time yesterday and today, and couldn't update. The pain meds were hard on my system... so I slept for almost 2 days!!

I will post the whole story tomorrow when I have a clearer mind, and time to write it out!!


Thanks for asking about me!! Love you you all!!!

November 5, 2008

Tomorrow... Make it or Break It



Hysteroscopy in the AM.

I am scared, but glad this day is finally here.

Now if I could just get my stupid brain to stop dreaming about being pregnant, or having a newborn, I would be a hell of a lot better off!!

Oh and get this.... since my Beta was so many weeks ago, I had to either take a pregnacy test, or get a beta in the morning... I chose the peestick.... bet you would never guess what it was...








Negative....

Come on now, you all have got to be kidding me... you really didn't think it would be positive did you??

Ok, I have to admit that I was praying my ass off that I got that second line, but alas, I couldn't keep Cream and Wheat safe, so the hopes are just that.... hopes.

I will write tomorrow night and let you know how things go.

Look what wondered in the yard on Halloween.....




Isn't she just the cutest Cow you have ever seen??? Clark said we can keep her as long as she doesn't get to big, or eat to much... Ha!!!!

October 31, 2008

I should have Known Better

I expected to get nastiness.

I really thought one person would at the very least wag a finger at me.

I think I am more horrible then all of you do.

Strange.

You Internets have let me down.

You let me off the hook way easier then I let myself apparently.

I jest.

I am drinking my weekend glass of wine and trying to be witty after the last 2 weeks of hell. I am worried about so many things right now...

We have a very sick pet... my oldest mini Doxie. Little Man will be 10 this spring, and he has been having issues off an on over the last few years with his back. I thought I was going to have to put him to sleep this week, but he stunned both the vet and I with his rebound..... I think he is trying to give his mommy a damn heart attack.... like I don't have enough shit to worry about right now.

I seriously cannot thank you all enough though for the support. I have been trying to let things out more, but have this fear that you all will think I am a freak.... LOL go figure right.... so tonight Clark and I were joking about the pill thing from last week, and all the positive comments that I got, and he pulled out a shirt that I got at a concert this summer.....


LOL, but I do, it is funny, if the thoughts or comments are negative I don't really give a damn what people think, but when I get the outpouring of love and hugs that you all have given me over the last few days, I get very overwhelmed. I am not used to people standing next to me when things get bad... well except for Clark and a small circle of select others. So having you each step up and give me a virtual hug, and let me know that I am not alone in these fights has overwhelmed me and made me feel so very special.

The decisions that have to be made with Kent are hard... harder then any I have ever had to make with/for him.

I only want him to be healthy.

Alive.

I know that as a 17 year old boy he cannot understand.

I fear the resentment that will come.

I cannot let him down either though, and to turn a blind eye and just accept this behavior would be letting him down.

So, I guess I want you all to know that I have a piece of each of you in my heart as we go forward with things, and I couldn't be more grateful for the friends that you have all become... even if you are out there silently lending me your good thoughts and prayers.

My strength.

My Friends.

Thank you from the bottom of my very, very humbled heart.

October 30, 2008

And the other Drama Is......

Kent.

My 17 year old son who has decided apparently to completely lose his mind.

As I have to be careful with what identifying info I give out, I can tell you that Kent is special needs. Not because of his brain but because of his body. He had cancer when he was very young, and the tumor paralyzed him from the mid chest down. Due to this paralysis he has several medical conditions that require CONSTANT monitoring.


We have pushed him to be more in charge of his own care, and have had to resort to such penalties for not making the right choices, like taking away video games, TV, movies, time away with friends.... all the stuff a teen loves to do. He hasn't played video games (except for special occasions) for almost 3 years.

Still he continues to resist even the slightest hint of personal responsibility. He will be 18 in less then a year, and legally able to leave my house. Nothing I can do about it. If I told you he was even close to being able to take care of himself, would be lying to every single one of you.

This Boy has not brushed his teeth, washed his face, or combed his hair in over a week.

He is on several prescription medications which he hasn't taken on a regular basis for weeks. Not taking these drugs could kill him.

He has a procedure that he MUST perform several times a day that allows him to urinate. This has to be a "clean" procedure, yet I have not seen his hand soap or sanitizer move from it's current place in almost a week. He also has to sanitize the equipment that he uses every time he does this, but he only does it half assed at best. This behavior could cause him to get an infection that could very well kill him.

He has "Diabetic" skin, and need to be elevating his feet. He doesn't. He has gotten a pressure sore on his foot that we have been trying to heal for almost a year. Every time we get it right there, he does something slack and it breaks down again. An infection in his foot could cause him to lose his leg, or his life.

He is supposed to spend at least an hour a day "Standing" up in his stander. He hasn't done this on a consistent basis since May. I even cancelled the newspaper because we required him to be in his stander to read it.

Therapy you ask?? Done it. He refuses to talk. He will sit there and literally make up lies about the things that happen in the house to the point where I end up spending more time with the doc then he does.

I am scared for him.

Next year when he can leave, if he does, I know where he will go. He doesn't have a chance in hell of making a life worth anything if he does. Everything I have done for him in the last almost 7 years, has been to ready him for adulthood. We used to make such progress, and yes I know he is 17, and a male, but it just seems like he doesn't care about himself or any of us even to take good care of himself.

The Cancer almost killed him. Now I am afraid that he is going to kill himself.

It has been discussed that it may be time for some type of serious intervention.

The residential kind.

I was in a group homes as a kid, and they were ok, but Kent and I don't have the same issues.

So I hesitate, because I don't want him to hate me for basically sending him away. I know he will think it is because of the Turtle, but in all honesty, I don't feel like I can help him anymore then I have.

I love him. Deeply.

I have fought to keep him alive.

I fought to adopt him and give him a home where he could feel safe and loved.

So why do I feel like I just keep getting sucker punched right in the face every time I look at him??

I want to watch him grow up. Go off to college. Get married. Have babies of his own.

I just wish he wanted it as much as I do.

October 29, 2008

You may not actually Want to know

So, how do you know when you have neglected your blog for far to long???

When you get an instant message directing you to your own blog... and a note saying " Uh Hello?" Course you wouldn't know anything about that would you MaryKayLady??

So yes, I do know I have been very neglectful of my peeps, but what can I say other then....... The shit has hit the fan, and I can't wipe it off my glasses fast enough to see the next round coming?

I am about to be brutally honest. More so then I have ever been on this blog before. I will not turn off the comments, but I will not tolerate any shit slinging either. If you don't have something nice to say then keep it to yourself........

Remember a few posts back when I said the P-Doc (who will from here on out be called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind) had given me a new script for this little pill called Klonopin... yeah well guess what, that shit is EVIL!!! I took a lot of time deciding to take this little pill, and I can tell you first hand if you ever what to know what Post Partum Depression feels like up close and personal take one of those little monsters for oh, say about 4 days, and then you look at this cute little baby that took you years and thousands of dollars to finally get, and HONESTLY wish her dead. I wanted to hurt her. Hit her. Shake her. Smother her. Do whatever I had to to shut her up really.


She wanted to eat and take a nap.

On the 5th day, I called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind hysterically crying because I couldn't even stand to look at my own daughter, and the suicidal thoughts were running around in my head with sharp knives, and this prick tells me... I can't remember honestly, but do you know how you feel when you get chewed out for something stupid in front of people... like you got your hand slapped?? Well that is how I felt when I got off the phone with him. I honestly don't remember his words.... something about he has never had this happen to any of his other patients before... blah, blah, blah.......

Now having been his patient for almost 6 years he obviously doesn't know me very well now does he???? So this man makes me feel 2 inches tall... not a good thing to do to a Bi-polar woman, under normal circumstances, much less these, and I literally called Clark at work freaking out. He came home early and took the next day off so that he could be with me and the Turtle. Oh and those pills... yeah they hit the septic system fast as they could when he walked in the door.

I started a fist fight with the man I have spent over almost 16 years sleeping next to, while he was holding our daughter. By that fifth night when the fists were flying, and I only remember snatches of it really, all of those days actually, I could see the anger on Clark's face.... not AT me, but at me. He knew it wasn't me in there, but I know he was pissed that I was going through what I was. He has since told me that he was really scared that he was going to have to hurt me to protect Turtle. Sad isn't it?? Your child needing protection from you, and not in a good way.

Needless to say Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind will no longer be profiting from me or WeSuck. I mean the man should give me a little credit. He knows I am obsessive about what I will put into my body, and very careful about side effects. So of course I G00gled it, printed out the sheets, and Clark and I read them over. I knew what to look out for, and so did he. We are if anything here in the InfertileHouse, diligent.

I may never be able to fully describe the guilt that I will carry with me for the rest of my life about those days... especially the last one where I do honestly feel that had it not been for Clark on the other end of the phone some bad things would have happened here in this house.

I mean how can you feel about yourself when you know that you sat and fully wanted to harm another person, an innocent little person at that?? A child that you carried and birthed, and have loved since the time before she was conceived??

I feel like a piece of shit, more then you will ever even have a clue... unless of course you have been there to.

It truly breaks my heart.

Now when I fuss at the dogs or at Kent she flinches, and it kills me just a little more inside. I have planted that little seed of mistrust in her without even being in control of it, and it makes me sick to think that Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind honestly thinks that I was making that shit up.

He should have been here. Maybe I could have punched him in the face for good effect.

That hasn't been the only thing going on, but to tell you the truth just typing that out drained the energy out of me. I am going to leave the rest for tomorrow, but I need to decide how much to divulge because it has to do with Kent. I may end up taking it over to Fruits, just not sure yet.

I am feeling much, much better, have been in touch with a new doctor, saw her on Monday, but I did want to let you all know We are alive... a little ruff around the edges, and worse for the wear, but still here.

October 17, 2008

9 months with pictures.....

Sorry took the pics down....

What an amazing little girl, she has totally stolen my heart 10 million times over. She is growing so well:

29 Inches tall

19 Pounds

44 1/2 cm head circumference

She is just the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I don't think that I could love her more then I do now!!!

Happy 9 month birthday sweet baby!!!!

October 16, 2008

Sorting.....

I know it has been a few days.

Things here have been hectic.

I have been putting pics up at Fruits every few days.

I am really having a hard time sorting my feelings out, and coming to peace in my heart right now.

Clark knows something is up, I have been cleaning the hell out of everything.

Tomorrow Turtle will be 9 months old.

I would be 6w4days pregnant if Cream and Wheat had stuck around.... or should I say if my body had given them a chance at life.

Yesterday was not a good day for me.

It was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Even though I am sure to some it would seem that my embies weren't really a Loss, they are to me, and I forever will hold them in my heart.

Bambi & Thumper
January 07

Starsky or Hutch (one became the Turtle)
June 07

Cream and Wheat
September 08

5.

5 little lives that never will be.

5 little lives that started, and ended in such a short time.

5 little lives that have totally changed mine.

5 little lives that will forever be in my heart.

1 little girl who is so amazing it hurts my heart when she smiles!!

So I will go back to Sorting now........

October 11, 2008

Fortunes

Clark's birthday was the 9th... he asked me not to mention it, but I had to. :o)

We went out to eat last night, of course it had to be Chinese. Great meal, Turtle LOVED the MacNCheese. I was just glad that she ate, she was sick all day yesterday. She is a true southern girl already.... Fried Chicken, MacNCheese, and Sweet Tea.

When the check came and we opened up our Fortune Cookies mine said:

The Gambler not only gambles with his life, but the lives of others.

Well ain't that just a kick in the ass????

October 8, 2008

Tentative Movements




I saw Dr. OvaryWhisperer today, and we talked about quite a few things.

First off, my estrogen wasn't as good as she thought it was at first glance, the final number was lower then expected, 108, that is bad.

The progesterone is a very concerning issue. I will be on injections when we go again.
I cannot begin to tell you the Glee that Clark gets on his face when he talks about how he will get to give me these shots.... I think he is plotting my demise.... He told Dr. OvaryWhiperer he has always wanted to be a Big Game Hunter....

In his best Steve Erwin voice..

"We have to sneak up on the Great Fat Rhino very quietly so that she doesn't suspect that she is about to get a HUGE dart in her ass!!!"

Seriously guys, he told her that.

Jackass.

She thinks that I may have actually ovulated on my own before the retrieval, so suppression will be a big deal for any future cycles.

She really thinks that our SnowBabies will thaw just fine, and at least 2 of them looked good enough before freezing to get me pregnant (ha).

I asked her about the fact that we got 26 eggs, and had such crappy fertilization. She looked up the report, and even after ICSI 15 of the eggs never got 2 polar bodies. She explained that even though they looked mature, they acted immature (Uh yeah leave it to my eggs to pull this one huh??!!) I asked if it had anything to do with Clark's boys, and she said that no I couldn't blame this one on him either... that sucks, I still get to be the only broken one :o( My eggs are shit now to. She thinks that we really just need to SLOW way down with the stims because we are getting high numbers of eggs, but the quality is crap.

I have to tell you all that I love Dr. OvaryWhisperer. (Actually, I really love my whole clinic, everyone has been so great since the first time I went there, and I just think they are all awesome for the great job that they do!!)When I went into her office, she got up and gave me the biggest hug, you could see the hurt on her face for me. She really cares about her patients, and I cannot even imagine the stress that she feels when we have setbacks like this. I couldn't do her job!! She is really just amazing, and I know that if she wasn't my doctor, she would be and is my friend. She was so sweet when we were done, she told me to just think about everything and decide after surgery what we wanted to do. I told her that I had already been THINKING for over a week, and I knew what we were going to do.

I need to cycle again, to get the Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, and WhatIf's out of my mind. If I don't try again it will eat me up, I just know it will.

I have to admit the deciding factor was my grandmother telling me that I shouldn't give up, that if I really wanted another baby, then I had better not give up. She told me that I deserve to keep fighting after all that we had been through, and that she totally needed at least one more Great Grand Child from me!! Of course the last part she was teasing, but she is right. I have wanted this for so long, and Turtle turned out great (so far, come back when she is 16 and see if I still feel that way!!) so I really want to give this another shot.

So, I am going ahead with the hysteroscopy just to see if there is any reason what so ever that the Ute cannot be trusted. We can combat the low levels with supplements, but a bad Ute makes for more failed cycles. We don't think there is anything wrong in there, but as she stated it doesn't hurt to look, and with the lining issue that cropped up over the summer then she would rather be safe then sorry. There is also the possibility that having Turtle changed some things in there, so all in all, I was really understanding of why she wants to do this after we talked. She is mostly going to look, and if I need to have a D&C or anything like that she is going to do it, but really she just wants to look. I told her I wanted picture proof that everything is ok, and she just laughed at me!! I do hope that she knows I wasn't joking.

November 6th is surgery, and if all is well after that we are going to do another fresh cycle. My insurance co-pay for a fresh cycle is almost the cost of a frozen cycle, and since WeSuck doesn't cover frozen cycles, then I would rather take the chance at getting some better, fresh embies, and save the frozen guys for the HailMary if we need them.

Now I can start worrying about what kind of evil things are lurking in my Ute!!! Ahhhh something new to consume my mind!! LOL