August 26, 2007

Level II

I don't know exactly how to start this, so I will just jump into it... Kent and I drove up to the office from home, and Clark met us there from his job which is only a few minutes drive from where we needed to be. We got there at 12:30 and checked in. They called me to sign in and fill out paper work at 1:00, and then we sat and waited until 1:40. So this lady comes out and calls us back, I tell Clark and Kent to come on thinking that it is for the U/S, but it was to see the Genetic Counselor. She had the smallest office, and the 4 of us trying to fit in there was hard, if I had known that we had to see her first, I would have left Kent in the waiting room. So she gets into all of the facts about the screen, and tells me that our number was actually 1/84 not the 1/48 that the doc gave me... transposed, OK so now I feel a little better. Then she goes on and on about the family history, and a liver issue that my mom has, and how Clark should get tested... Blah, Blah, Blah, I finally told her that I knew a lot about the disease, and that I was a carrier, but that my gene was very low in the genome, and that the likely hood that Turtle would end up with it was next to none... but she still disagreed with me!!! She also kept pushing the amnio explaining that the Level II wasn't conclusive, but that the amnio would let us know 100% yes or no. I kept trying to tell her that I wasn't going to get it either way so there was no point pushing it on me. I hate it when people assume that you are stupid!!! Not to mention that I was very uncomfortable discussing these things in front of my 15 year old. She kinda looked at us funny when we told her that this was the first baby for both of us, so I had to inform her that Kent was adopted, and not biologically ours!! Not that it matters, but she just looked confused, and I didn't want to leave her in a state (sarc)LOL

So after that we were sent back to the waiting room, and just a few minutes later called back for the actual U/S. It was almost 2:00 by then. They were really sweet, and told me that the 2 techs had switched rooms so that Kent could come in and watch. The room that we were supposed to be in was really small, and he could not have gotten his wheelchair in it, so I thought that was awesome!! Little Miss Turtle was not in the mood for any paparazzi photo ops!!! My little peanut was tucked firmly into the right corner of my uterus, up against my hip, and didn't want to move an inch!! She was actually sleeping on her belly, curled up in a ball with her little tush up in the air!! I felt bad for the tech, but then for me as she poked and prodded my belly trying to get Turtle to look up for some measurements. Needless to say, it took almost 45 minutes to get everything they needed, along with a couple for position changes for me to try to get the best look. The doc and the tech agreed that they didn't see any of the Down's Syndrome markers with Turtle, but they did inform me that 50% of Downs babies don't show markers either. The doc then sprang a new one on me by telling me that I needed to be back in 4 weeks for a Fetal Echo cardiogram, because they have found that more and more IVF babies are being born with heart defects, and they do them now with all IVF patients as a rule. Hmmm first I had heard of it, and not even sure that my OB knew that, so I will have to tell her about that next time.

So, I guess all in all it was a good appointment, and I feel a lot better about the Turtle being a healthy little girl. At this point, she is ahead in her growth, and hopefully will stay that way!!

My mom will be here this coming weekend, and I am getting excited to finally see her again, although I am sure by the time she leaves I will be more then ready for her to go!! :o) Will let you all know how my week goes as Kent is going back to school tomorrow... ahh high school!!! Sucks to be him!! LOL :o)

August 22, 2007

'Bout Damn Time!!!!

Ok, I tried to post this last night, but we had a terrible storm, and since we have satellite, it went out.....

Tesi, you can officially let Tuesdays be back on because everything was actually great, the clot has almost disappeared, the placenta is on the move up and off my cervix, the U/S tech said she didn't really see any Down's markers, and last but not least..........................

Turtle is either a girl or this boy has the world's smallest Penis!!!!!!!!!!!!! (per the U/S tech)

Clark and I are so freaking exited that this Tuesday was good news all the way around... I literally cried when the tech told me all that stuff... I am just so freaking relieved that something is finally going right with this pregnancy!!!! She was moving all over the place yesterday, and even waved at us a few times!!! She is just a bundle of energy in there, and the Tech said she looks like she is going to be a big clown!! LOL With us a parents I can't imagine that!!

So now our next goal is to get through the Level II on Friday with hopefully more good news, and then to make it to 24 weeks. I still am not showing, and think I may have felt a bump or two of movement here and there, but nothing that definitely tells me that she is in there yet!! I have a pretty retroverted uterus, so that I think is leading to both things!! I am just so damn relieved that things seem to finally be working themselves out, and that I can start breathing a little easier!!

I want to really thank everyone who left comments for me because I needed all of the extra strength that I could get, and it is nice to know that there are people out there on this Internet who are for you when you truly need a friend!!! I love you guys!!!

P.S. Kent is also very excited that he is going to have a little sister FINALLY!!!

August 19, 2007

Blissful Ignorance.....

Is something I don't have!!! I know all Infertiles for the most part lose this when they find out they are infertile, and I am no different. I haven't had it for almost 17 years now, and if one more person tells me that I am just overreacting to everything that has gone wrong with Turtle and this pregnancy since the beginning, you all might just see me on the national news. I am just sick to death of people who had uneventful pregnancies telling me to not worry, and unfortunately this crowd includes my Mother. I yelled at her the other day to just STFU and let me be sad. Let me cry damn you, this isn't your baby, and this isn't your bad news!!!! I love my mother don't get me wrong, but some days I just don't need to hear how she thinks that I should handle things, because we are different people, and she copes a hell of a lot better with most things then I do, she has had 3 healthy pregnancies, and 3 healthy children. Even some of my infertile friends have pulled this one on me.... mostly it is the ones that didn't have an issue once they got pregnant, and while I am happy for them, I feel that they could be just a tad more accepting and understanding of my fears.

Needless to say things have been pretty tense in the house for the last few days, and while I try to maintain some sense of normalcy, the tears are ALWAYS there just under the surface, just waiting for me to let them out... which I have totally obliged on way more then one occasion!! Even the beauty of the humming bird family that visits my feeders a few times a day has moved me to tears several times. It is the innocence of the way they move that gets to me every time. They are so small, so delicate, so beautiful... sort of like my Turtle. Yet every time I see them I am painfully aware that one of them may not return with the others the next time......

I know that there is a very good chance that Turtle will not have Downs Syndrome, but the "What If?" is there. It cannot be taken away with words about how wonderful children and people with Downs are, how loving, how totally innocent, and how beautiful their spirits are... I already know that, but it is different when it is YOUR child, when you have to wonder about how you will provide for the every medical and emotional need of a child who may very well be so mentally challenged that they will never function in society. That they may never comprehend how much they are wanted and loved. That we may spend the rest of our lives raising a "baby". So while I know that the odds are for us, I also cannot stop thinking about the ways in which our lives would drastically change should this scan show that we have a very special Turtle coming into our lives.

I guess what I want back is that Blissful Ignorance that was stolen from me so many years ago, and seems to elude me yet again at every turn. I want to belong to the pregnant women clan who all love to shop at Babies*R*Us, and maternity stores in the mall. I want to join the clan that hasn't had to have 10 ultrasounds by the time they are 17 weeks just to make sure the baby is still alive, hell I want to be in the group who didn't have to shoot up everyday 3 times a day just to get my fucking ovaries to do what they are SUPPOSED to do in the first place, and an abdomen that isn't so full of scar tissue that the only way for me to have embryo's get to my womb is through a plastic catheter. It isn't fair that we have had to fight so damn hard just to have Turtle growing in my body, and it isn't fair that any of us Infertiles have to fight, but most of all it isn't fair that we all have to walk around praying that we were "normal" and having our Blissful Ignorance stolen from us!!!

By the way, I have an OB appointment on Tuesday with an U/S to check that clot, and my Level II is scheduled for the 24th (Friday), please say a little prayer that I can make it through this week with out totally losing my damn mind, as close to the edge as I am right now, I am holding on with all that I have.

August 14, 2007

1 in 48 chance...

of Downs Syndrome..... Kick me while I am down why don't they???

Dr. ManHands herself called with the news.... wants us to do either the Amnio or a Level II ASAP. Both the other screens were negative, so she said that was good, but she is very concerned with the Downs part.... no really you think?? So the rest of my night has been shit. I am to the point where I am hating fucking Tuesdays because all the bad news I get about Turtle comes on a damn Tuesday.

I talked it over with Clark, and I think we will do the Level II first and if that isn't good then go with the Amnio. I can honestly say I don't know what I will do if it comes down to Turtle having Downs. Clark says that he can deal, but I am not so sure that I can. Just for the record if anyone even thinks about leaving a negative comment about my last sentance, you can kiss my ass.

I will let you know as soon as I can when the scan will be......

August 8, 2007


Well, I had to take a day to absorb my OB appointment before I could update.

I was just scheduled to see the Midwife. Got there right on time, went back,

Weight- 145
Fasting Glucose- 73
B/P- 100/60
Turtles HR- 150's

So, I tell the midwife that I had been cramping a little, and had a little bit of spotting in the AM yesterday. Then I told her that that pain on the left side was still there. Well, about then she started getting worried and said that they were going to do an U/S just to check on the pain to see just what it was. So off I got to the U/S room, get jelled up, see the Turtle, and the tech looked over to the left side, asked me if I had had Endo before I got pregnant, and I told her that yes I had.... She told me that this was going to hurt but that she had to do it... so she pressed really hard on the left side and goes "Hmm" I asked her what, and she said well your left ovary is totally adhered to the side of your uterus!!! Great!!! Doesn't that just freaking figure??!! So she looked over the Turtle again, and did a bunch of measurements told me baby is right on track. I thought that I saw something funny when she was looking, and asked her why it looked like there was a bulge, but she told me it was just the sac. So I get cleaned up, and back to the midwifes office, only to have her come in 2 minutes later and tell me that she HAS to take me to see the doc... Yeah guess who??? Right Dr. ManHands!!! Well less then a minute later in walks Dr. ManHands with a very odd look on her face.... you know the one that they give you when they have PITY written all over their faces?? She sits down and tells me that she has some bad news. There is a 7 cm blood clot in my uterus, and that it is pushing up on Turtle, and there may be some blood flow issues, but that right now there is nothing they can do but wait and see what happens. The clot is probably the result of the placenta partially abrupting, but they aren't sure. I am on complete bed rest now, and will be having visits every 2 weeks from here on out. I have a doppler so she told me to check the Turtle in the morning and then again at night, and if there is any change in the HR or not one at all then I am to call right away. I am also to call if I have ANY more bleeding period.

I spent most of today just crying and trying to process all this in my head as best as I could, but I still want to beat the hell out of "Hope". I am just going to have to take this day by day, and pray that everything works out. I only have 8 more weeks til 24 weeks, which is my goal for Turtle... Viability, and anything after that is golden, but I am not sure how this is going to pan out to be totally honest with you. I will post in a few more days after I get my thoughts together a little more.