November 8, 2006

Don't you think I know that???

That is what I had to tell Clark for the last 3 days when he told me I looked miserable, and depressed out of my mind... Well Duh, but then my world did just come crashing down around me less then 3 months ago, but yeah you're right, I should just get over it and move on with life right?? WTF?? Are you kidding me here?? I have heard that not from Clark, but several other friends this week, and to tell you the truth I am sick to death of hearing that. My life has been turned upside down, it isn't something I can "fix", there is no coming back from this, I can't take a pill and get better, feel better maybe, but I will never get better!!!!!! I mean crap what the hell do people not get, I am pissed off, I am angry, and I am bitter. I am depressed because I will NEVER concieve a child in my body. Good lord, I would never tell anyone else that the time had come to move on and just get over it. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, there is a part of me so broken it cannot be fixed, and that makes me VERY SAD, so what?? It is like a part of me has died, and I have to carry a corpse with me for the rest of my life. I have really been going over so much in my head, and trying to figure out what my heart wants to do. I am not sure what my heart can handle anymore. I know it isn't like a person in my life has literally died, but figurativly speaking one has died. I am still doing the "Beat Myself Up" game even though I can't seem to win... hell will I ever?? Probably not. So, I look like a raving loon when I look in the mirror, apart from being just a tad to pale for my own good, but hey what do you expect when you hate the sun?? I have tried so freaking hard to pull out of this, and I just seem to get deeper in it... Yesterday I had therapy... I bawled the whole way there, most of the hour, and then most of the way home... stupid little things pop in my head, and the tears start to fall. I can't decide if this crap is the BCP's, or the Seroquel finally getting out of my system (which the doc is none to happy about!!) but I hope something gives cuz being this damn depressed is driving me NUTS!! LOL
I really have been trying to decide what in the hell I am doing here... I have been trying to keep an openmind and heart to make this decision, and I still haven't reached an answer... I keep taking the BC pill thinking that something is going to happen and I will have an epiphany and there will be no reason for me to torture myself anymore. Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy.

We had an ok day on Monday. Kent did just fine, and now all we have to do is wait. After his MRI, it was still pretty early, so I called Clark, and we all went out to lunch at a fav. place of Clark and I's that Kent had never been to. He liked it even though he really wasn't feeling to good, he said that his tummy was upset. After that I drug Kent to Barnes and N*ble so that he could get some new books... he is still w/o his TV, and games, so he was hitting rock bottom for stuff to read. It is funny cuz he is running out of stuff to get from the library at school... how sad is that??!! So we got him about 12 books.... quite a few classics so that he can read something other then the fantasy books that he really loves. But I know he will like the ones that we got to though, ones like Les Miserables, Around the World In 80 Days, Robinson Carusoe, Hound of the Baskervilles, and a few others I forgot... but you get the picture, stuff that he is going to have to read sooner or later. I also found a really interesting book on Endo, and I was truly shocked at some of the info in it... if only I had known....

I didn't post this before, but my freaking insurance company screwed me... they denied my appeal for coverage of my surgery, so I had to write a big freaking check to the hospital... Jack Asses, I swear that I am going to drop those jerks as soon as I can!! The funny thing is that with me having to pay that I reached my OutOfPocket for the year, so I am going to TONS of appointments befor the year ends so that I don't have to pay the co-pays!! LOL.... screw me why dontcha??? I guess I didn't complain enough before I went to the RE about stuff that they consider Endo related but not IF related, so since they claim it was all for IF, then it won't be paid for as a regular surgery. Stupid I know seeing as how I got that book yesterday, and realized that I aparently had symptoms all along, and never even knew it.... go figure, I didn't bitch enough for once in my life, and it cost me almost $1600.00. Lesson Learned!!!
So, report cards came home today, and it was tooooo funny.

Kent got 5 A's, 1 B, and one C. Boy was he pissed about that C... OMG he ranted for like an hour about how he just knew that he had done better in that class then that... it was so cute because he has come soooo far!! It used to be that a C was a cause to celebrate in his eyes, cuz it wasn't a D or an F!! He has just amazed me with how smart he is becoming, and how he just changes everyday!! He is such an awesome kid he really is!! If I never "have" another child I will sleep well knowing that I have done a good job with him!!! Now, if I could just get him to cut that damn hair!!! UGH!!!

The Furries are all doing ok.... this AM Satan(the cat) left mommy a nice little prize though... nothing like going for a drink, and finding 3 partially digested and then Yacked back up mice in the middle of the laundry room floor!!! HOW FREAKING NASTY!!!!!!!! I can handle a lot, but holy cow I almost barfed right then and there!!! That damn cat is gonna be the death of me I swear!! I took T and N to the vet for shots and stuff today, and they did great, it is just hard trying to keep the 2 of them from killing each other!! They both want to sit in the front seat to.....

I am still smoke free as of this posting, but damn it is sooooooo hard let me tell you!!!! I never thought it would be this bad, it hasn't been this hard before, but I am really trying hard to stick it out this time!! Oh well, off to bed, the night is so nice here that we have the windows open... it was 70 freaking degrees here today.... someone forgot to tell the sun that it is NOVEMBER!!! LOL!! I say that now, but give me a few more weeks, and I will be whining about the cold!!!

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