May 10, 2012

Letting go......

I know I have been back and said I was going to post more often, but things just get in the way more and more often, so before I know it I have been gone for several months!

Things are not going well here in the Infertile household.....

I had another miscarriage in February, just 2 days after we found out, I started bleeding and it was all over.  I followed that a few days later by a Seizure/Blackout/Loss of consciousness right in the middle of Walmart.  I ended up in the ER for over 8 hours getting all kinds of tests run, and having them basically tell me that they thought I was having either a pulmonary embolism, a heart attack, or a stroke.  I just love that they couldn't settle on one flipping diagnosis.  So now my Neurologist has forbidden me to work or drive, for at least 6 months after the incident, so guess who gets to spend all her days staring at the same freaking walls??  Yeah that would be me.  I have Lauryn here with me for 2 days a week, but then she goes to daycare the other 3 weekdays.  It gives me a reprieve, and lets her get some social interaction.

My migraines are still with me, and still uncontrolled, so that hasn't helped me out much in the morale department either.  I am so sick of being in pain all the time, it is really frustrating.  I have had 2 concussions in the last 6 months, one in the car wreck, and one when I fell out in Walmart, so I think that has only added to the severity of my symptoms.  The Neuro is trying to find a cocktail that works, but we keep hitting a wall with almost everything.  I even got Botox in the base of my skull to try to deaden the muscles... good times let me tell ya!!  :o)

Mr. Infertile and I are on the outs.  He isn't happy, and hasn't been for a long time he decided to tell me... all right in the middle of everything else I have going on.  Overwhelming to say the least.  He sprang it on me one night, and asked me all point blank if I even care that he is unhappy.  Uh yeah I care, but if you don't talk to me I can't do anything to try to make it better.  He said that I have some behaviors that he really doesn't like and has a very hard time accepting them.  Now mind you this man and I have been together for almost 20 years, and you just realized that you don't like some of the things that I do, or have you just been letting this wound fester for years??  So life in the house is pretty tense all the time, I feel like I have to be Suzy homemaker and a sex slave all the time, but it is never good enough. I walk on egg shells all the time.  It is really getting old, and I am getting tired. 

Needless to say we are no longer in the "Trenches" doing any kind of baby making, in fact with the way things are going, I have been pretty resigned to the fact that this time next year as I get ready to turn 40 that I will be a mom in just the same capacity that I am now.  Lauryn and only Lauryn.  See, I am not one of those women that wants kids after 40, and yeah I guess that I can say that since I have one, then I am good, but just this morning she asked for a sister to play with.  Heart wrenching.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that right now daddy is being an ass, mommy's body never does anything right, and that it is against the law to steal a kid from someone else??  You can't. I just told her that we would have to see what we could do.  I knew this day was going to come, and I had practiced what I was going to say, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I have also been dealing with some pretty serious friend betrayal issues.  I found out that a friend who I loved like a sister, considered her family mine, and had asked to be Lauryn's God Mother, was talking about me behind my back.  Normally I wouldn't let it bother me so much, but the things that she divulged were of the deep secret kind, stuff I hadn't even told my mother about, and she did it in front of a stranger.  That stranger knew me and approached me after thinking on it for about a week, and told me what was said.  I literally got sick to my stomach to hear what was said.  She called me a Junkie, said I was abusing my meds, I was high when I wrecked my car, and that I had stolen meds from her.  Now, none of these things were true, and I really feel that after 8 years and all the shit we had been through for her to say stuff like that behind my back was the ultimate betrayal.  I have to be civil to her for now because she still owes me money for a car that she bought off us, so until we get that taken care of, then Keith won't let me confront her.  I can say that it must not be upsetting her to much, because she has only called here once in the 5 weeks since I found all this out and posted a snarky status update on FB, she didn't even respond to it.  I am still very sick over the whole thing though because I did consider them family, so it has really hurt me to the very core of my being.

So that is a small spattering of what has been going on here, I am really going to try to start coming here more often since I have to quit therapy, and just sitting here for this post has made me feel tons better....... hopefully there is still someone out there reading this!!  :o)