tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-374438422009-11-04T04:58:02.492-05:00The life and times of a woman who has a reproductive system that has other plans then her brain and heart!!!InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.comBlogger311125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-62366062765982749832009-10-19T12:41:00.002-05:002009-10-19T13:06:07.507-05:00

It has been a month since I posted about the trifecta, and frankly I have sat here a hundred times to update, but it all felt so wrong... I mean who wants to listen to me bitch every post?? I honestly don't have much to say right now, everything is still the same, with a temper tantrum (on my part, causing the dump to receive an end table, and what was left of our spare phone), a verbal fight or

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-68468288166671464582009-09-20T07:55:00.008-05:002009-09-20T22:30:13.910-05:00

I sat in a really hot tub last night and let my tears fall. I had a very bad day yesterday, and it only seemed to get worse as the day wore on. Clark and I are hardly speaking, and that hurts me a lot, but I can't accept his answer anymore then I could accept the negative Beta's. I know that he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but really all he is doing is breaking mine. I am starting to

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-4209365252335088202009-09-17T20:54:00.005-05:002009-09-17T21:30:38.287-05:00

My cell phone rang today with news that broke my heart in so many ways.The couple that we had chosen to adopt our embryo's found out that due to medical complications she will not be able to pursue pregnancy. My heart broke into a million pieces for her. I cried for her loss. I hurt so deeply for her, even though she assures me she will be fine.Then something happened on the rest of my ride home.

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-14592951090840665712009-09-13T08:58:00.004-05:002009-09-13T09:47:24.883-05:00

I will admit that when I first read this comment I was angry, but a little time spent mulling it over prompted me to answer your questions in a polite way so that I will hopefully help you understand the posts I have been writing about my grief.Your first question/comment:But you have a little daughter, right? That's so fantastic and so many ladies are wishing for that. Yes, I have a daughter.

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-11874330616448760982009-09-01T22:32:00.003-05:002009-09-01T22:59:58.920-05:00

I thought I might actually be on the mend. Accepting things were going to be what they were, and beginning to move on.Then I stepped in the doors of BabiesRUs, and that mending was replaced with the grief and anger I thought I had come close to tucking away.The Bellies.The newborns.Even with the Turtle in the cart it was just all to much for me, and I had to literally grab what I needed and get

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-18044323346305506002009-08-20T22:14:00.003-05:002009-08-20T22:31:05.351-05:00

I can't seem to find to find myself right now.I have been avoiding so many places, family and friends.It just seems surreal that I have to accept the end when I don't know how to.I thought I had all of this under control. I lied to myself and everyone else when I said I could just walk away from trying without heartbreak. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe it actually.The pictures of

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-42640191777837279042009-08-15T20:11:00.002-05:002009-08-15T20:19:55.141-05:00

I sorted the Turtles baby things today. I felt my heart breaking as I held those tiny little outfits in my hands. They will never again be worn by a child of mine.I set a few of my favorite outfits and toys aside for her when she grows up.I am having a yard sale next week to get rid of all things infant.I just can't have them in my face, taunting me with what will never be.I really fucking hate

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-40748802288945113732009-08-06T11:15:00.001-05:002009-08-06T11:18:04.644-05:00

Snap, Krackle and Pop decided not to hang around.Beta NegativeIt is over.No More TTC.We are actually home from the vacation that never happened, and I am working on that post, but for right now I need time.

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-45115578459167562642009-07-23T09:28:00.003-05:002009-07-23T20:57:04.122-05:00

So.... Snap, Krackle & Pop made it "home" safe and sound yesterday morning. The whole thing was almost bittersweet know it will be the last time I will see the nurses who work in the retrieval/transfer area. The cell counts were good with an 8 cell, and 2 7 cells. All 3 got assisted hatching done right before they were transferred. Now I just sit back and wait for my Beta on the 5th.Clark has had

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-22354987661308563272009-07-21T14:28:00.004-05:002009-07-21T15:51:09.048-05:00

To say that I intended to not blog for so long would be like stating that I hate to sleep... but in fact I have not done much of either recently. I honestly don't know which is worse at this point! I truly hate that I have been so busy that I cannot find the time to sit and write here, this is my space, the one I come to when I need stress relief, and to just plain bitch about things. To be

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-75502626938239956272009-07-08T05:14:00.000-05:002009-07-08T08:00:32.455-05:00

As a child I tried to be independent, happy and carefree. My parents were unhappy with each other and not such great parents, which tends to happen when you get pregnant at sixteen and were forced to marry! They are both better off married to the people they have now!! To be honest that start, and things that happened to me through my childhood, good and bad, have shaped the person that I am

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-70864629996710508072009-07-01T20:47:00.003-05:002009-07-01T21:25:06.619-05:00

Let the FET begin!!!To tell you the truth the whole thing seems rather anticlimactic. No U/S, no visit to the clinic, no blood work, just a phone call with the IVF nurse. I had to laugh when I called her on Tuesday morning to tell her that I had been visited by the Red Tide, because I still had one Provera pill to take. She had scheduled her to visit this coming Saturday or Sunday... don't they

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-31004236680812547652009-06-22T08:31:00.004-05:002009-06-22T09:13:26.053-05:00

I can't seem to find the time or the energy to update these days. The summer has gotten started here, and the vacation reservations have been made. Most of my days are spent thinking to the future and what it may or may not hold, not to mention dealing with a very independent yet needy toddler. I am going to do this bullet style since there are a few updates that I need to give you. Here goes....

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-55191892695919826772009-06-11T09:06:00.001-05:002009-06-11T20:15:16.696-05:00

When I started this blog almost 4 & 1/2 years ago, I never thought I would be in the place that I am today. I went back and read all of my posts today, and learned a few things about myself. I am the same person that I was back then, only better. I say better because back then I didn't know how to feel my pain. Sure I put it out there for everyone to read, but I never really felt it. I

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-21083281316935601612009-06-04T22:14:00.002-05:002009-06-04T22:33:13.155-05:00

As I typed that my heart skipped a beat.I have been married to the man of my dreams for 15 years. It is hard to believe that because it feels just like yesterday.My mother asked me if it has been worth it, and I told her yes, nothing else has ever felt so right to me in my whole life.The man I share my life with is the most amazing person, and I am so happy that I found him. He completes every

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-23267692459157113372009-05-30T11:51:00.003-05:002009-05-30T13:05:15.635-05:00

by my Uterus and Ovaries!The Hush Hush reference in my last post was about us doing an FET.After many hours of discussions, begging, crying, and talking it out, Clark and I finally decided that we would do this one FET, transferring the best 3, and then the rest of our Totcicles will be placed for adoption.We came to a final decision just 2 days before I was to finish the active pills in my BCP

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-69654298173288446602009-05-27T08:19:00.002-05:002009-05-27T09:52:02.414-05:00

Unfortunately those are not my winning lotto numbers, those are how many weeks along I would be had any of the last 3 IVF's worked. I know it is a tad morbid to even know them, but I do. I write them in my day planner at the beginning of every month as a reminder of what could have been. I hold on to the past a lot as you can tell. I have struggled a lot in the last week with the fact that I

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-29402786112471920932009-05-20T20:58:00.003-05:002009-05-20T21:38:53.201-05:00

Well, I want to first thank all of you again for the well wishes and prayers. We had the appointment this morning, and saying that I am happy with what we were told would be a lie.It was a very noncommittal affair, and frankly I wish we hadn't gone. I am so pissed at this doctor right now that I could have slapped her and her nurse by the time I left. Her determination is that Kent MAY have a

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-36326725781425184252009-05-18T22:17:00.002-05:002009-05-18T22:19:51.872-05:00

We have an appointment on Wednesday morning to see the Urologist for testing.Thanks so very much to everyone who left comments and emailed me, I will let you know what I find out as soon as I can.Wish us luck.

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-40386527919294991592009-05-15T22:05:00.002-05:002009-05-15T22:14:23.152-05:00

For Kent..... We went to the Nepherologist today for a check up, and as she was looking him over she noticed that his testicles were very swollen. When she palpated them, she felt two masses that are not supposed to be there. She called his Urologist right away, and they are working on scheduling an MRI and an ultrasound for next week. With his cancer history, this could be very bad for him.

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-15001530889488531822009-05-13T12:08:00.004-05:002009-05-13T12:26:04.218-05:00

So, we got an email back from the RE, and talked about things... it was looking like a FET #1 was a go until this morning when I got the email from the business office... needless to say, the price is not what I had expected, much, much higher actually. It has really put a hold on things... probably permanatly.I still owe them for my last 2 IVF cycle's, over 5 grand.I don't know where to go from

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-66610542610873094242009-05-11T19:58:00.000-05:002009-05-11T21:05:49.399-05:00

Sorry to have left you all out in the cold for so long. I needed to recoup and things have been busy here. I went back to work on the 23rd of April, and even though the actual hours aren't that long, the drive is almost an hour each way. It makes the day go by so fast, but makes it long just the same. Turtle has been doing just great at the babysitters, and actually seems to enjoy going most days

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-82813863465865962982009-05-01T19:46:00.002-05:002009-05-01T20:27:21.363-05:00

For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-91702431315053972042009-04-29T20:30:00.003-05:002009-04-29T20:43:41.564-05:00

I am really trying to do this thing.. you know living. Moving on.I am having a very hard time though.Not sure if I can do it.Everyday I cry.Everyday I get deeper into my nothingness.One week after Beta, the end of Hope, and I find myself slipping into a deep depression.So many around me are getting the one thing I begged for, and I can't find it in my heart to even begin to be happy for them.I

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37443842.post-40788867660991140302009-04-26T13:13:00.002-05:002009-04-26T13:38:23.494-05:00

Thursday was a shitty day in more ways then one for me. As I was sitting in the lab waiting to get my Beta, my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it anyway. A man answered and said his name. Then his last name, and all at once I knew why he was calling and my heart sank. Tears fell, and I begged him not to tell me what I knew in my heart was true. My friend was gone. She had

InfertileMadWomanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17454291899280028369noreply@blogger.com6