August 29, 2008

I Tossed my Birth Control!!!!

Made ya look!!!

Ha, I slay me!!!

But hey seriously if any of you have daughters, or mothers... ok the neighborhood CrackHead could probably really use them I am sure.... I have a 3/4 used pack of birth control pills.... only 5 active pills, and the rest are the sugar ones... hmm maybe I could use those in my coffee!!

So, I forgot to tell you that we have entered the second phase of the whole IVF cycle... This is where you get to toss out the birth control pills, and just stab your self in the gut with a needle in the mornings. I think I am going to miss my minty fresh breath!!

For the next week, until the 4th, the only thing I have to do is the Lupr*n injection in the morning. At least the needle doesn't mock me like the pills did... I think I actually heard them laughing at me one morning... oh wait that was the coffee fairy when I forgot to set the auto start. That pissed me off to.

My migraine has been reigned in a little with about a half a bottle of Adv*l, and some sweet sleep!!!

The blood letting went pretty well today, although it did take longer then I thought it was going to. Some people, with not just one but two toddlers in tow were in the RE's clinic chatting it up, while I was dropping off my contracts, had parked in the middle of the driveway totally blocking us in. I am sorry, but pay for parking. Furthermore, I ALWAYS take the girl to see the doc's in the late afternoon on Friday's when I know the patients who are cycling are gone for the day... heck most of the people who visit there are gone by that time of the day... I'm just sayin.....

I got my first disapproving Grandma look today!!! We were sitting in Clark's office eating some chicken after we got back from the Lab, and Turtle wouldn't drink her bottle. I sat her up, and started tearing into my chicken She was staring at us something terrible, and drooling all over, so I figured what the hell..... The girl LOVES fried chicken... go figure!! One of the ladies who works there, who has a daughter who also goes to my clinic, comes in and sees me feeding her the small pieces of chicken, and liked to have had a stroke!! I realize that most people don't see a 7 month old eating chicken, but I have checked with the Ped. and she told us that if she wants to eat real food then feed it to her. So, I do. This child would just as soon starve as eat a jar of baby food, so I have no options sometimes!! I tried to explain that to her, but she wasn't biting!! LOL Oh well, she lived through the experience, and I think she will be better off for it in the end. Here are some of the things that Turtle has eaten to date:

1. Cantaloupe... Loves it
2. Pickles... Don't ask, she loves them to!!
3. Mom's mashed potatoes.
4. Baked french fries
5. Pizza crust.... I think this feels good on her gums.
6. Graham cracker sticks.
7. Roast.... it was TINY pieces I swear!!
8. Broccoli... the whole stem

There is more, but those seem to be her favorites... not to mention this girl LOVES Iced tea.... I know we live in the south, but we don't make our tea like most people here. First off it is decaf, and second we only had a cup of sugar to the whole gallon... just enough to give it a little sweetness. When she gets tea we put it in a sippy cup and add a bunch of ice to it so that it dilutes even more, but she goes crazy over it!!! She hates apple juice, but loves apple slices... I tell you this child is a mess already!! I can just see the therapy bills now!!

Well, Turtle is finally in bed, I have downed the 18 pills I have to take every freaking night, and I am beat!!! The sun did feel good today, and I really think it brightened my mood... at least the part when Clark wasn't in the backseat while I was driving... Jackass... So, I am heading to bed, and will hope that you all have a great weekend!!!

My Head Exploded!!!!

OK, Not really, but damn it sure feels like it did!!! Lupr*n day 7 has been a M*THER EFFER. I woke up at about 1 AM with a headache that has gone into full on migraine mode through the day. I didn't even want to eat mashed potatoes and gravy tonight... (I mean Holy Cow I home made that stuff and it was the BOMB!!)

I am really, really trying to stay away from Kent because I think he has a death wish!! Clark even asked him if he was trying to make me kill him!!! I know he is just being who he is, and the drugs are making it worse, but he has ramped up his tude in the last few weeks, and it has really been pissing me off. He is the ONLY 16 year old male I know that wants to sit and stare at his mother all freaking day, and frankly it heebs me out!!! I mean this kid hovers like a MIL!! I feel like I have to watch my every move or he is going to call his dad and tell him I did something wrong. GAH!!!! He is driving me BONKERS!!!!

There was a huge storm that knocked out the Net last night so here I am again.... damn satellite......

So, I am off today to get my HIV test done with Clark, and to drop off the contracts so that things are rolling. I am really ambivalent about this whole cycle, I don't know what to think about the feelings I have, so I may have to sit and sort them in a really long post... who knows??

The Turtle has (Knock on Wood) made it through 2 nights w/o a paci request!! I cannot tell you how much I hated running to the other end of the house 10 times a night. I am so freaking in love with that little girl, even the Lupr*n can't cloud that feeling!! She is growing so much every day, and it just freaks me out to see how much she has of Clark and I in her personality... ok, it scares the hell out of me, cuz we are just way to weird for reality!! LOL

I am going to try to get a few posts in this weekend as the week flew past me so quick, I had to run to the store yesterday so that I wasn't out of the HappyPills over the weekend!!! Now I am just going to go see if I can take a 5 minute shower, because trust me I am starting to get pretty funky, and then head out for the day!!! At least the sun is shining!!

August 25, 2008

Aww... Feel the Love!!!!

Dude, do I have the coolest readers or what?? LOL
Kristin gave me this awesome award!!
Me thinks she is trying to keep us happy so that we don't kill anyone!!!

So, now acording to the rules.....

1. The winner can put the logo on her/his blog.
2. Link the person you received your award from.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links of those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs of those you’ve nominated.

I nominate-

1. Deb
Just Me
Lost In Space
Matt, Liz & Madeline

I really could go on and on, but the blogs above are some that have been a consistant source of support.... well except, Matt, and if you go read his blog you will see why I love him so. I hate having to chose just a few, so PLEASE know that if you didn't make the 7 above, that doesn't mean I don't love ya!!

On to other things now......

Lupron day 5 is off to a running start, and I am feeling a little better, esp. since CreoleinDC swore she would bail me out if I needed it!!! You guys have been so great, and I am really honored to have you along with me on this journey. I can't imagine a better group to spill my guts to on a regular basis, knowing that you get it, and don't judge me for being honest. I have very few friends IRL who understand what this whole Infertility thing is like, and even fewer who have been through it. Just nice on my bad days to know you are out there!!!

Kent started school this AM, and as I predicted last night, Turtle was up right with his alarm this morning. UGH. She was a little upset when the school bus swallowed him, so I literally had to show her that he was ok. She really loves her big brother, it truly amazes me to see the bond that they already have. Now I know that even if we don't have another child, then Turtle won't be "alone" when Clark and I are gone. That makes me sleep a little better at night.

Well, I need to get something done while the Turtle is napping (must be freaking nice!!) so I am off to tackle that stack of freaking dishes that I can't ever see the bottom of!!! Thank you for dishwashers!!!! :o)

August 24, 2008

Lupron Day 4

Note to self... look up in the law library to see if any woman has gotten off a 1st degree murder rap while undergoing IVF treatments..... This could prove to be very useful!!

OMG, I am a total BITCH!!!

I can't control my mouth... not that I usually try, but holy crap the stuff that has come out of my face in the last few days, would make a rapper pause and blink.

I don't remember being this hateful and full of discontent the last time I was on this stuff.

All I keep thinking is what the hell am I doing??

I got what I wanted, and I swore I only wanted one.... Yet every morning for the last 4 days I have jabbed a needle in my belly with every intention of getting knocked up again.

Turtle has let me know that she is not going to make life easy for me this time around, as the 10+ times I walked the 80 feet from my bed to her crib the last 2 nights has proved.

Kent goes back to school tomorrow, and that fact alone may very well save the poor boy's life.

Clark gets to hide out from me at work all day to.... lucky!!!

So it is just me and the Turtle starting tomorrow morning, and she has already started looking like she wants to pack her shit and run away!!

All Jokes aside though, I have really had to keep my self in check, and I swore to Clark today that I don't remember this being this bad, and he agreed. Maybe it is because my body has changed that much from having Turtle?? I am not sure, but if I make it through this in one piece and not in a padded room, it may be a miracle.

And we have only just begun.......

August 20, 2008

Because She Blew my Mind

So, last Monday, the 11th, I had to take Turtle to the Peds because she was pulling on her ear and hitting the side of her head.

Ear Infection.

Yeah I knew it.

#6 for crying out loud.

Off to T*rget to fill her script. I dropped it off, and asked them how long.

20 minutes.

Off to shop.

30 minutes, I am back waiting in line.

I knew most of the ladies who were working the pharmacy that evening, and most of them knew me, or should I say us, because they Love them some Turtle!! When the manager walked up to help me, she looked me right in the face and said,

"Is it true what they said that you are trying to have another baby?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Right now??"

"Uh, yeah."

"You have to do IVF to get pregnant right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"And you still want another one right away?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You are doing it at MyClinicsName right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Well that is cool cuz MissCuteLady (not her real name... to protect the innocent) (she points to one of the Techs) over there just donated a ton of her eggs to them in a cycle."


"Yeah isn't she the sweetest thing?" She didn't say it like she thought it was.

I instantly felt embarrassed, and I am not sure who it was more for, me or the tech. I looked over at MissCuteLady, she was standing there with a stunned look, her face turning red. I felt so guilty also in that moment because I knew I was the reason that at least 5 people now knew that this woman had donated her eggs. If I had not told them about our IVF with Turtle, and that we intended to try, were in fact at that time trying, to have another baby, then the manager would never have blurted out such personal information about MissCuteLady.

For one of the very few times in my life, I was speechless. I really had nothing to say, but at the same moment I wanted to reach across the counter and punch the manager in the face. How dare she divulge such intimate details of another woman's life out in the open like that?? I am very open about my infertility, because it is MINE. I wear it like a badge because it is part of who I am. But this woman had not been infertile, and had in fact, I am hoping, given some woman out there the chance to be a mother.

I looked at this very brave woman, who I am sure at that point wished she could disappear, and said to her...

"Thank you for doing that. Thanks for fighting the good fight."

She smiled at me, and asked who my doctor was. I told her, she told me who hers was, and that seemed to be all she had to say, so I gave her the space she needed.

I payed for Turtle's script and left.

Friday night I had to go back to get a different script, and MissCuteLady was working. I caught her eye, and told her I was so sorry about what had happened on Monday, and that I thought the Manager had been totally out of line.

She looked at me and told me, "She always does stuff like that, it is just who she is."

HUH??? This woman put you out there in front of customers and everyone, and you sucked it up?? Oh hell no!!!

Why am I bringing this up now?? Because it has really been wearing on my mind and my heart. What gives people the right to just run off at the mouth anymore?? I mean I am sure that this stuff was either shared in private, or because there was some time that she needed to have off, but either way, there is no excuse for what happened. I just can't believe that she said it. What the hell is wrong with people anymore?? I am honestly thinking about calling and reporting this woman for what she did.

Like I said before, I wear my Infertility like a badge, I have never had an issue talking about it. I do talk about it when asked, a lot. I am not your usual infertile I guess, because I need to tell others so that they understand this can and does happen to all kinds of people. However, when I see something like this, it just pisses me off. She didn't "have the T-shirt" so to speak, was just minding her own business, and BAM, gets outed. I think what she did was amazing, awesome, selfless, and very special, but with one twist of a tongue, it had been turned into something to be embarrassed about. For that I am sad because this is how Infertility usually ends up being seen. Something to be embarrassed about. A shame that we have to suffer under silently, and that totally pisses me off.

Infertility isn't something you can catch.

It messes with you like an abusive relationship. One day it "loves" you, and the next it doesn't. We, as Infertiles, abuse ourselves psychologically. We think about how every minor or major thing, right or wrong, actual or perceived, that we have ever done is why we cannot get pregnant. We are the terrible ones. The dirty ones.

Along comes someone (MissCuteLady) who tries to take that away, or lessen it at the very least, for one person, and an ignorant person has to ruin that feeling.

I still really want to punch her in the face, and I am really glad that the 11th was her last day working there.


August 19, 2008

I Swear The Fart wasn't as funny as this!!!!

Every night I take a bath with the Turtle.

We have a huge Garden style tub in our bathroom.

She Loves to splash and play, and I hold her because she isn't to good at sitting up in the tub by herself yet.

Clark usually holds her while I get into the tub, then I take her clothes and diaper off.

He also gets her from me when we are done, and dries her off so I can get out and dry off.

Well tonight Clark wanted to go ahead and get in the shower while we were in the tub.

I got Turtle all undressed, and sat her on the bath rug so that I could get undressed.

I had just gotten undressed and climbed into the tub, when Clark came in the bathroom.

He walked over and looked down at the Turtle sitting on the floor.

She was playing with some loose strings on the carpet.

He bent down to pick her up.

Just as he bent over I happened to look out and down at Turtle, and she was sitting there looking back at me with a huge smile on her face...... PEEING ON THE RUG!!!!!!

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee in the tub!!

Clark was mortified!!

He said "Shit if it ain't the dogs it's the Baby!!"

Now any woman would have picked the rug up and tossed it in the laundry, but not my husband, no no his shower was way more important.

I didn't think anymore about it.

Clark showered, and got dressed.

I called him to come get the Turtle from me.

He got her towel all ready, and stepped up to the tub.....




You guessed it, he stepped in the pee!!!!

I just about died laughing.

Seriously people.

He knew it was there.

He KNEW it was there!!!!

He hopped over to his sink, on one foot, performed a move that would rival any ballet leg lift, pumped hand soap all over his foot, scrubbed, and rinsed.

He was so pissed off at me for laughing at him, he took my towel away.

I couldn't help it.

So tonight, I have a husband who knows how it feels to be totally humiliated by his 7 month old daughter!!!

Score one for Mom!!!

August 18, 2008


So last night after that ever so sweet post, I shut the computer down, washed bottles, set the coffee pot for Clark. So I figured what the hell, I would go peek on Turtle, and sniff her head.

It was all good. She was sleeping so hard she was making little grunting noises. She has started sleeping on her knees with her butt up in the air, and her arms tucked under her, almost in a "sleep crawl".

I bent down ever so slowly, and took a slow inhale of her B*by M*gic, just bathed, smell. Started to straighten up, she grunted again, and FARTED. I don't mean a little toot either, this kid ripped it. In her sleep. The smell was horrible, and it took everything I had to get out of the room before I lost it and died laughing.

What a way to ruin a Mommy Moment!!! Geez!!!

August 17, 2008

Seven Months

Seven months ago, she was brand new.

Seven months ago, I was seeing her face for the first time.

Seven months ago, I knew I was in love for the rest of my life.

Seven months ago, Turtle made me the mommy I have always needed to be.

Tonight, I sit here listening to her sigh over the monitor, and know that the past seven months have been awesome.

I feel the need to go kiss her forehead and feel her breathe.

She is seven months of the most amazing thing that I never believed I would get.

August 14, 2008

Let the Game Begin.....

No, No, not Those Games.......

It is time for the Great IVF Game....

This Game's events will be held mostly at your local infertility clinic, and not nationally televised, unless of course you are totally connected like that!!

The Game will take place over a 34-35 day time period, with room to account for all types of possible delays.

Our first "event" is not a physical challenge, but a mental challenge as you navigate the IVF nurse at your clinic, trying to get the schedule for the assorted events. Completing this task will give you all of the preliminary information you will need to compete in the actual Game.

CD 1 will find you laughing your ass off as you pop your first active Birth Control Pill... oh the freaking irony, it makes me gigle every time. Not to mention I have the chewable kind, that are oh so minty fresh, so my breath smells grand!!!

Our first actual physical event will be held on CD 3. Your initial task will be to navigate huge downtown area of major city, at lunchtime no less, to find the smallest pharmacy on the planet. Once at the pharmacy, your goal is to then navigate your way around WeSuck Ins. Co. to get your meds partially covered. This will be a 1 hour block of your day. It was however made easier by the AwesomePharmacist who called you on CD 2 to help get some of the WeSuck paperwork out of the way.

Your second event will be to negotiate your way back across town, during the same lunchtime, to retrieve 68 pages of contracts. (No really people, I kid you not, and this is the short option at that. Throw in any thing other then IVF with ICSI, and you are looking at over 100 pages to read and sign, easy!!)

Remember to ask for a new Foll*stim Pen to do your injections with, or you will not be allowed to compete. I cannot stress the importance of this little contraption, do not forget it, there is no Main Event without it.

Now you should have all of your supplies together. Lay them out somewhere and take a picture of them so you can show and tell TheWinner just how many drugs were involved in getting the Gold. (Don't worry the IOC will not be checking for Doping at this Game.)

On CD 9 (8-21-08) you will start off on the Suppression Jog. BCP's and Lupron in the morning are ever so nice.

The Suppression Jog will last for one week which takes you to CD 16 (8-28-08). CD 16 marks the last day you have to choke down a minty fresh BCP, you must however keep up the morning abdominal stabbing, injectining that Lupron.

During this week, you will need to find a time to fit in a blood letting, as your HIV test needs to be redone.... (We all know what whores those Infertiles are.) :o)

Your next event is a "timed" one.

The Suppression Check Relay. CD 23 (9-4-08) You will get up at the crack of dawn to drive 2 hours to the clinic.

You then get to sit and wait in the most crowded yet silent room on the planet.

Blood letting is up first, then you are off to strip, "waist down please".

The DildoCam comes into play for the first time here (boy the fun we have had!!)

Just for fun, and because we all know that they need to check it just one more time, your cervix will get to prove it's worthiness by having a "Mock Transfer". Frankly, I don't know why they call it that, I mean the only thing Mock about it is the fact that I have to be there at all.

If all is well, you may go home.

You will then spend the rest of the day wondering if all the drugs have done the job, and you are "Suppressed".

If you are "Suppressed" then you will get to move on to your next event.

The Stimming Hurdles. CD 23 (9-4-08) You will begin injecting an amount of hormones no woman was meant to have cursing through her veins, in the evening hours. You will do this every night until CD 27 (9-8-08). Be prepared for all kinds of side effects. They will vary in severity and intensity for each "Player".

CD 28 (9-9-08) finds you repeating your two hour drive, uncomfortable sit in the waiting room, blood letting and DildoCam appointment. Once again you will be required to wait by the phone for further instructions.

You will most likely repeat this event on CD's 30 (9-11-08), and 32(9-13-08). Come on now people repetition is key for a medal don'tcha Know??

On Day 32 (9-13-08), barring any unforeseen circumstances, you will receive at the least a tentative follicle count. You will once again be sent home and stationed by the phone to see if your numbers are good enough for you to take the "HCG Shooter". If you made it to the finish line in this event, which I hope you will, then with this call you will find out what day you get to attend the next event... "The Retrieval"

The Retrieval will most likely take place on CD 34 or 35 (9-15 ot 9-16) depending on your accuracy at administering your meds, and your bodies desire to get the Game over with.

Two hour drive at the crack of dawn. Again.

Silent sit in waiting room. Again.

Up to pre-op.

IV in.

Husband off to make his ever so minor contribution.

Happy drugs on board.

Go to OR.

Night, Night.

Wake up, and pray like hell they actually got something out of your sorry ass ovaries.

Get more awake.

Go home.


Next morning you are to sit by the phone. Again. (The repetition is killing me, I hate my phone.)

Clinic calls to tell you how many little Embies you have growing.

Depending on how well the "kids" are behaving, you will get your instructions for our next event.

The Transfer Toddle.

Your day of the Transfer Toddle may vary between 3-5-6 depending on your clinic, and the "kids". Ours will most likely be a day 3.

Two hour drive at crack of dawn (is it just me or do they like to force my ass to get out of my nice, cozy, warm bed at the crack of dawn entirely to many time in 38 days??)

Full Bladder.

Look at the "Kids" chosen to run the last Lap of the Transfer Toddle.

In they go.

Lay perfectly immobile for an hour.

Go home.

It is actually all up to the "Kids" now.

You will now get to start what I call the Pee Stick Pace.

I start this event on 5DP3DT. I continue daily, more then once (oh hell who am I trying to kid, at least 3 times a day) until I find out if I got The Gold, or if I finished out of the ranking.

Either way, you get to start a whole new Game all over again.

Wish me luck, as my Game has begun.

The Rest of the Story...

OK, here goes the whole ball of wax.....

Clark and I rescued a dog who was pregnant from the SPCA in 2006.

This person, I shall call TheStalker, came and adopted one of that dogs puppies from us. We have a very stringent puppy contract for our rescue dogs, which includes the return of said dog to us should the adopting party not be able to care for the dog any longer. No questions asked.

TheStalker and I seemed to have a lot on common, and actually became friends of a sort. Emails, and phone calls mostly.

There came a time when TheStalker was having issues with her apartment complex, and had to move. The only place they could find wouldn't allow pets. The puppy that she had adopted had grown into a neurotic train wreck, and we really didn't want her back.

TheStalker's husband is active duty in the Navy, so we took sympathy on them and helped them locate a house here in NC that allowed her to have the dog.

TheStalker was broke at the time from some personal issues(lies I found out later) so Clark and I agreed to loan them the deposit money for the house to them(with a signed promissory note).

She moved in the house in April of 2007.

Less then two months after she moved in, one of her neighbors (close friend of mine) called me to tell me that she had a UH*ul backed up to the house and was loading it up.

Clark went over to see what was going on. She told him the owners had sold the house, and asked her to move. The dog was nowhere to be seen. She told us that we would still be getting our money though, as she was to get it back from the owners.

I made some calls, and talked to the next door neighbors. The SPCA took the dog away. The realty company was evicting her, due to non payment of rent. She never even paid them a dime. The only money that they got was from me for the deposit. She told them that she was moving back to MS because her father was dying. Lie. She got into an accident the day this all happened, told the OLD PEOPLE SHE HIT and the cop that her husband had just been killed in Iraq, and that was why she didn't have insurance. Totally fucking untrue. He is alive and well, and so is daddy dear.

The house was trashed. Over 5 grand worth of damage. they had to hire a cleaning company to treat and seal the garage floor. The dog had been forced to live in the un air conditioned garage in her own shit and household garbage. The dog had been taken away by the SPCA at her request. The SPCA had to euthanize the dog because she had Parvo. TheStalker had never gotten the puppy her shots (another contractual agreement for adoption).

When I put the whole story together, along witht he 500 other lies she told us, I confronted TheStalker in July of 2007 when she had come down one last time to retrieve some things from the house. I was at the time PG with the Turtle, but had no clue that Turtle was a girl, or even what her name would be.

TheStalker of course didn't pay us. We took her to court. She didn't show up. We got a judgement. She still hasn't paid us. I have contacted the Navy. Someone posing as a naval officer called me and told me that her husband had been kicked out of the Navy. Not true.

We contacted her again to try to get her to pay without us having to contact and attorney. She threatened me, and told me to "Go spend time with my beautiful daughter L*****, and stop bothering her." She had spelled Turtle's name wrong, but it was the same name.

Since I have never once told this freak that I was having a girl much less my daughters name, I began to wonder how she had gotten the info.


I had given her the link in 2006 so she could look at the puppies. 2006 people. She had a way into my life for 2 years, and I didn't know it.

I did a little looking, and then found out that she had posted pictures of MY TURTLE on her MySp*ce page saying that SHE, not I, had in fact delivered the Turtle. HUH???

I have called the police, and as far as the pictures, they weren't copy written, so I cannot do anything about that.

I can however do something about her owing me money. I was trying to be nice, but girl it is so on now.

That means that I am also calling your husbands ship, and letting them know what you have been up to.

How Do You Like Me Now???

Fear This!!

August 12, 2008

Just when you think all is right with the World...

I am so angry at a person who called themself my friend. I found out that she has been using pictures of Turtle for her personal gain. She took photo's from my private PictureTrail account.

She has been saying the Turtle came from her Ute.... WTF??

I found this out yesterday quite by mistake.

I have decided to cancel all of my picture accounts, and remove pictures from my blog.

I see this as the ultimate betrayal.

I know that she has access to this blog, so now I do not know where to go as far as closing, or password protecting. I am very angry about this.

This Blog is my outlet, and my way of letting myself be who I am without to many interjections from the Real World People in my life, unless of course I let them interject.

I now feel as though I have lost the privacy I worked so hard for. I am totally pissed off, to say the least.

This person was angry with me because I went after her in court for money that she borrowed and never repaid. Not just a few dollars, a lot of dollars. She has avoided me for over a year, and now that I have seen the level of her anger and stalking, I am over it.

I carried Turtle, gave birth to her, and I am her mother, it just makes me sick that some woman has tried to take this away from me.

Be warned, I am coming for you.

August 9, 2008

So Humbled

If you had ever told me that when I started this blog, I would still be here years later, a switch of servers, but still years later, I would have laughed at you.

Of course there are lots of times I have laughed. Or cried.

What I never expected though was to have such an amazing bunch of people rally around me when I needed it most.

It has really touched me. Deeply.

I am usually good at putting my thoughts into words "on paper" but I cannot even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have had you with me there in my corner on Wednesday, it was like I had all of your strength along with mine.

Friends are something that I try to never take for granted, no matter the distance, differences, or simply the fact that I have never met them. I wish that I could thank each and everyone of you in person for "holding my hand", but for now this will have to do.....

"Thank You"

August 6, 2008

Dodged the Bullet.....

This time.

Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia... almost sounds like an exciting vacation destination, or an exotic food, No?? It is however, my new DX, and one I really could have lived without.

The RE and RON (Reproductive Oncologist) are pretty sure that this is all going to work out just fine.

They did another Saline Sono today.

The mass was gone.

The determination is that it had in fact been a piece of endometrial tissue that was much larger then they would normally see, which had just started to separate from the uterine wall when she saw it last week.

I actually made her look three times to make sure.

After the second saline injection she said "I think it is gone"

I looked her squarely in the face and said, "I don't want you to think, I want you to know."

She asked me if I wanted her to do another injection to see for myself, and of course I told her yes.

It was perfect.

No Mass.


here is the Short of IT:

Endometrial hyperplasia is an overgrowth or thickening of the endometrium (lining of the uterus) which may involve part or all of the endometrium. There are a variety of types of hyperplasia (simple, adenomatous) which are all benign as long as they do not show "atypia". Both hyperplasia with atypia and without atypia may regress spontaneously over months or years. However, whereas hyperplasia without atypia rarely progresses to endometrial cancer, hyperplasia with atypia is a precancerous condition that may progress to overt malignancy. Complex atypical hyperplasia progresses to endometrial carcinoma in 29% of women. Hyperplasia usually develops in the presence of continuous estrogen stimulation unopposed by progesterone. During adolescence and in the years before menopause, women may have numerous cycles without ovulation (anovulatory) during which there is continuous unopposed estrogen activity. Polycystic ovary syndrome is another condition in which women are anovulatory and have unopposed estrogen effect. Similarly, hormone replacement therapy consisting of estrogen without progesterone may lead to endometrial hyperplasia. In these situations, the addition of progesterone (by taking a progestin) or resumption of ovulation (spontaneously or with medications) can eliminate hyperplasia, especially hyperplasia without atypia.

A majority of hyperplastic lesions regress spontaneously. Hyperplasia without atypia may also resolve spontaneously or following a D&C. On the other hand, hyperplasia with atypia tends to persist even after treatment with progestin. Currently, endometrial hyperplasia is the indication for 5% of all hysterectomies performed in the U.S. In 43% of women undergoing hysterectomy because of atypical hyperplasia (diagnosed by endometrial biopsy), the removed uterus contained endometrial carcinoma. When a biopsy reveals endometrial byperplasia, it is obviously critical to evaluate the uterus before surgery with a D&C due to the high risk that a concurrent cancer is present. During hysterectomy the uterus should be inspected thoroughly and the surgeon should be ready to perform lymph node dissection if cancer is found. Hyperplasia, even after successful treatment, may recur. This is especially true if conditions of unopposed estrogen persist. It is therefore necessary to assure that unopposed estrogen condition does not continue by giving progesterone intermittently or, in younger women, birth control pills. Also, it is important to monitor such patients closely (using ultrasound, endometrial biopsies etc.) long after completion of a successful course of treatment.

Now the almost funny thing is that this usually happens to Peri/Post-menopausal women.... is that some shit?? It can be and is very prevalent in women with PCOS also. Now the bad part is that it can if left unchecked turn into cancer.

I told both docs that if I can just carry one more baby, then they can take the Ute, fill her with concrete, and use her as a doorstop for all I care. At this point she is becoming more of a liability then an asset.

There is an email sitting in the IVF coordinator's inbox that she will get first thing in the morning (I think), saying that I am totally, completely, absolutely, with-out-a-doubt, cleared to start a fresh cycle in 4 short days.


August 5, 2008

A Confession

I have to admit something. A confession of sorts. It is however totally out there, but it has really been on my mind the last few days.

The morning I had my appointment with the RE last week, I was in the shower, my happy place, and I got to thinking about how blessed I really have been. A great Husband. A great Son. A beautiful little Girl. A house, my health, yada, yada, yada, you know all that stuff that makes a life great.

Then my mind wandered to all of the losses in the Blogosphere IF community as of late, and I thought about how lucky I was there to. I have struggled, and I have lost, but I have not lost like some of you out there. I silently wondered to the universe why nothing horrible like that had ever happened to me. I then told the universe that I wished just once that I could shoulder some of that hurt. That I would "Take one for the Team" so to speak if it meant that one less person had to have her heart broken.

I know it sounds really bizarre, maybe even masochistic, but I am just so tired of seeing the people that I care about get hurt, when I feel like I have had more then my fair share of good luck. I know it would hurt me in some way, but that is the kind of person I am, I would rather hurt then have someone else hurt.

Geez does this sound like total bullshit or does it make sense?? I cannot explain it much better then that.

So, I guess in a way I almost feel like if tomorrow is Bad then someone else somewhere is not getting her Bad news, and you know that almost makes it worth it to me.

Bloggy Silence

Only because life has been hectic...

Other then waiting for Wednesday to get here a few other things have been happening. The Turtle is SICK!! She has a horrible cough, snotty nose, and congestion, not to mention the two top teeth taking their sweet ass time coming in, so she is just about inconsolable all the time. This has cut my already almost non-existent sleep to even more low scale proportions!! (two hours of shut eye does not a happy, cheerful Mommy make!!)

Kent has an appointment with the skin docs for a pressure sore on his foot today, that I REALLY am not looking forward to.... the doc doesn't like me, and vise versa.

The weekend was long.

I spent to much thinking about What If's.....

Wednesday needs to get here and be over already!!!

Thanks for all of the emails and comments. I cannot tell you how many tears have been shed just reading them and knowing that there are so many people out there thinking of me. I really never expected to have so many people that I didn't know come to my side. It has been very reassuring, and comforting knowing that no matter what I have all of you here on my side, and even if I have the "big C", what may come next will not be so hard to walk, because I will not be alone. Thanks so very much, the bottom of my heart has been touched!!

August 1, 2008

Sorry this is so late, but I have had a long day.

My appointment is set, and will be the 6th at 3:30.

I have done so much crying at this point that there may not be any tears left in me. I cannot tell Kent, he has to much of a sensitive soul, and this would devastate him. Of course Turtle is oblivious. The furries know something is up, they have been all over me all day. They always know when I am sad.

Clark stayed home with us today, and it was nice just to have him here. He hugged me a lot, mostly when he would catch me hiding my tears, and sometimes when there weren't any. He is an amazing man, and I would be so lost without him. This is the second time we have walked this path, or I should say he has held me up to keep walking, and it isn't any easier this time.

I sat in Turtles room today, and looked at the big boxes of clothes that I had packed, saving them for the next little girl who might grace us, and I lost it. Those tiny little clothes she wore just a few short months ago, washed and folded, packed with love. I can't even think about me, all I can seem to see is all of the people I will be letting down if I am sick.

"You know if you never would have done those fertility treatments in the first place..." I can hear it now, I love my Mother, but that will come out of her mouth. I can't even tell her. I need to, but I can't. I can't even answer the phone when she calls. She thinks I am upset about something else. She thinks I am mad at her. If only she knew that I just can't listen to the sound of her heart breaking on the end of the phone line, then she might understand.

I have been staring at my little girl a lot in the last 36 hours, she must think I have lost my mind. I watched her nap this afternoon, and had to resist the urge to wake her up just so I could hold her in my arms and feel her hair on my cheek. She is my world. I just got to this place, and I am so not ready to leave.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments and wishes, hopes and prayers. I will carry them and you with me over the next days as I wait. I could not have ever expected that so many "strangers" would stand next to me, holding my hand. It is truly overwhelming.

Did you Hear that Pin Drop???

If not, it happened yesterday morning at about 10:15 AM to be almost exact.

My day started out at about 12:30 AM when the Turtle decided to barf the entire contents of her bottle all over the living room floor, and then wake her daddy as she was totally inconsolable.

Should have known it was gonna be a f*cker of a day then.

Fever of 102.3.

Tylenol on board, that proceeded to come back up 2 times before she finally kept it down.

She finally settled back down at around 3, and I wearily crawled back into bed with Clark.

6:00 and the alarm hadn't gone off, I rolled over to find Clark still in bed, and I jumped up thinking the power had gone out and we were late. He called to me to come back to bed, that he had reset the alarm, and was going to work late.

To late, I was up.

Wide Awake.

The girl got up just a few minutes later.

She got a bottle that she managed to keep mostly down.

Clark finally got up, and got ready for work.

I showered while Turtle was napping, and got dressed.

Clark took the Turtle to work with him since I had to be at the clinic early.

Got to the clinic, they were running a little behind, no big deal.

While I was sitting in the waiting room Clark called to tell me that the Turtle was freaking out and wouldn't let anyone hold her, so he couldn't pee. LOL. Welcome to my world!!

About 10:00, I get put into my room.

The drill.

Strip from the waist down.

RE comes in.

I get in the stirrups.

We joke about any number of things, and she tells me that my blood work had come back off. She was concerned about why I was bleeding on active BCP'S. No biggie though, prolly just the PCOS.

I told her, as she started injecting the Saline, that maybe I had a Uterine hitchhiker already that was causing us all these problems.

I was Joking.

I shouldn't have.

About 3 minutes into the sono, the room got quiet.

The Pin Dropped.

She turned the screen.

"Do you see that??" She pointed at a white spot on the screen.

"Yes" I say.

I saw it, I knew almost immediately that this couldn't be good. She was to quiet.

"Just a minute, let me see if it moves".... More saline in.

It moved a little.


Not enough.

"Let me turn on the doppler"

"This is bad, it looks like a tumor."

"It has blood flow to it."

HUH?? I didn't come here for that. I only came to get the ok to start an IVF cycle.

I don't have my bad news t-shirt on I tell her so she can't be serious.

She is.

It looks bad.

70% chance that this isn't going to end good.

I am to come back next week for another U/S and a visit with her and on Reproductive Oncologist.







She wasn't.

For this to show up this fast, and be so large, it really couldn't be a good thing.

I put a smile on my face.

I joked about this being the story of my life, and how my uterus is trying to pay me back for forcing it to carry the Turtle.

I left the clinic after trying to get the appointment set.

I would have to call later to see when both docs could see me at the same time.

As I walked out the door the sun was shining, and a single thought struck me.


What about her.

How am I going to do this?

I am scared out of my fucking mind.

I have been told more then 10 times in the past almost 24 hours that it is good that we had Turtle when we did. Now if I have to lose my uterus, at least we have her.

Yeah, but if this is bad for real, at the end of this will she have me??