January 26, 2005

Starting over??

Well, I have to admit I am scared to death about my orientation tomorrow, and going back to work after almost 3 years of just staying at home and caring for Kent and the house. I am looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time. I guess in a way I feel like I will be leaving the safety of my four walls and getting into reality once again. I also worry a lot about all of the medical issues that Kent has, and if they will be willing to work around the times I might have to take off. Oh hell, I am just scared of having to be an adult again!! LOL I am sure that sounds weird, but it has been easy to hide from the world when all I had to do was stay at home, and run Kent around or do a few errands. Not to many people realize just how much IF (Infertility) affects the way you see the world. I look around and all I see is people living the life that I want to have, now don't get me wrong, I love Kent very much, and enjoy having him in my life, but there are so many times in my days when I just sit and long to be pregnant, and to have a baby of my own. My mother says that I am just obsessed with the idea of being pregnant, and for along time I thought that maybe that was true, but the more I think about it, I want what I can't have with Kent... a chance to hold that little body, and love him from the day he was born. I guess that in so much as I am lucky to have him here, I feel cheated that his parents had the chance to be there for the moments that I missed. Having him now, and dealing with the "baggage" gets frusterating, and is very depressing at times. I know he feels the same way, and I would love to just be able to erase all of the bad times for him, but hopefully like the bad things that happened to me when I was young, they will serve to make him stronger.

I got to have lunch with a dear friend today, and finally met her new daughter, oh boy did I fall in love!! Holding that little life in my arms just strenghtened my resolve to move on with my IF treatments, and do what I have to to bring a child into my life. It was just so amazing to look into those eyes, and see the innocence and purity, and I didn't have the slightest regret at all for taking her. Most of the time I pass on holding baby's, but this was different, there is no feeling of jealousy or anything. that doesn't happen to often with me, and I am sure that it has to do with the fact that my friend has been where I am now, and she totally understands the pain that I am in. That is one of the things that I am thankful for in my life is that I know so many women from AOL who are going through this right now, or have been through it, who can grasp my feelings and not lecture to me about how I should feel, or what they think I need to do to get pregnant. I mean 13 years is a long time to fight for something, but I can't give up!! UGH, I better stop before this turns into a cry fest!!

Wish me luck tomorrow, I might need it!!! I will have to take my Paxil before I go though... LOL Don't want to have a panic attack the first day!!! :o)

P.S. I almost forgot, our new homestudy is set up for Friday afternoon at 4.. I hope she decides to show up this time!!!