December 29, 2010
I was ok until last night when I was driving and a song came on the radio that would have brought me to my knees. As is was it brought tears to my eyes that made it hard to even focus on the road. I hate this, I really wish I had never taken that first test, then I wouldn't have know there was a little life attempting to start. I wish I had never told everyone, what the hell was I thinking?? I know better then that. I know how things go in my uterus. I should just have kept my mouth shut. I should have known that when the doc uttered the words Biochemical pregnancy in my direction that even the clinic didn't have faith in the Uterus Of Death. Why the hell did she have to be right??
I swear I really was ok until yesterday. I have a backup plan I kept telling myself, Keith and anyone who would listen. Ha, what a joke I am. I cannot run from the fact that I seem to be a baby killing machine, and that I am so honestly fucking amazed that I have a miracle sitting on my couch watching old Christmas movies. I just keep staring at her and wondering what is so special about her that she got out, that I get to be her mommy, that she won the battle with my body.
I will end this year thankful for the daughter that I have, missing the babies that I won't get to meet, and praying like hell that this next year isn't as shitty as 2010 was. What a joke.
December 26, 2010
December 23, 2010
Yeah, you are a shocked as I was I am sure!!! Beta was drawn this morning... will update with it later! Here is to praying for a VERY Merry Christmas!!!
**** Update**** Beta came in at 25, and Progesterone was 40!! The nurse said that they really think this is the real thing, but since they never see anyone this early in a "Natural" cycle, or actually a "Natural" cycle period, they don't have much to compare the Beta number to!!! So I really am a Legend!!! She said the Progesterone number tells them something good is going on in there, so now we wait. I have a follow up Beta on Tuesday @ 8 AM. I am so freaked out here. I cannot tell you all how out of left field this was!! I just picked up all my FET meds yesterday!!!! OMG, I am pregnant on my OWN!!!!
December 2, 2010
You already know that I knew as of early April I was told that they were pulling Kent's Medicaid, so most of my May was literally spent on the phone trying to find him another place to go, all to no avail. I got told most of the time that he was either to medically necessary or not MR from all of the places I tried.
So, on May 30th Kent was discharged from rehab, and I picked him up and brought him home.
On the 31st I took him to our local children's hospital to be admitted for surgery on the 2nd of June. This surgery wasn't something that he NEEDED, it was one that the rehab docs had talked him into, and scheduled while he was still in rehab. I tried to stop him from getting it, but that was another loosing battle.
The Sunday before he was discharged, the 23rd of May, I started getting a terrible pain in my right side. On Monday it got worse, so I called my PCP's office on Tuesday morning. They got me in to see him on the 26th. He did x-rays because he thought I might have had something going on with my gallbladder. The x-ray didn't show anything in the gallbladder, but he saw a stone in my left kidney. Since that wasn't the side I was having pain on, he sent me the next day for an U/S .
The U/S on Thursday showed the stone was actually in my spleen, and not in my kidney. I got the hell scared out of me when I googled that one!! Cancer, TB or hepatitis was what Google said. Uh yeah I think not.
The PCP's office called me at 8 AM on Friday to tell me they booked me with a surgeon on Monday the 31st for a surgical consult because aside from the spleen stone, I had big stones and sludge in my Gallbladder.. GREAT!!! That is one of the possible side effects from not having that hot puppy removed when I had Gastric Bypass 9 years ago.
I was in pretty considerable pain by Friday evening, and by Sunday I had exhausted all my pain meds. After I went up to admit Kent to the hospital that Monday (31st of May), I drove home almost in tears and called the PCP. He told me to carry my butt to the ER.
Once I got there, the ER doc took one look at me and booked me a room for the night. I was cool with that, because the stay brought lots of fantastic drugs that took the pain away!!
On the 1st I had my Gallbladder removed around 12PM, and was back to FB and emails by 7 that night. I was discharged on the 2nd, in pain from surgery, but feeling a crap load better!!
Kent was discharged home on the 4th (Keith and I's 16th anniversary) and my mom flew in that night. I had to have her here to help me with Lauryn as I was not supposed to lift anything over 20 pounds for at least 2 weeks. I didn't know just how important the three weeks that she was here were going to end up being. Sadly though I spent most of it in a drug induced haze. My dad flew out here on the 23rd. My Birthday was the 25th, so we had a little party here with some of my closest friends. On the 26th my parents flew home.
The one major event that happened here at the house, I have already written about.. the Kent thing.
After my mom went home she had an intense work up with a doctor who specializes in the liver disease that she has, Alpha-1 Anti.trypsin Deficiency. After many tests and a thorough work up, he informed her in a nutshell, that she has at best about 5 years to live. Give or take.
To say that my world came crashing down when she called me and told me that would be a slight understatement. This woman is my best friend, mother, confidant, and over all 3rd most important person in my life, and now she has been handed a death sentence. I bawled for days. She has already accepted it, I refuse to.
We have known about her having the disease for a few years, but I never expected this. She has a rare form of the disease that manifests in the liver instead of the lungs, unfortunately it is moving faster then it should. Her liver is only working at 10%, and she has developed a host of other complications. There is nothing that they can do until she gets so sick that she would qualify for a liver transplant.
By then it could be to late.
Like I said, she has accepted this as her lot in life, but I am not able to deal with the fact that I will be losing my mother early in life because we lost my grandmother (her mom) very young, she was only 58 when she died. My mom will be 55 next year. Talk about a kick in the teeth after I had just spent 3 weeks with her, but now those three weeks are something I will treasure for the rest of my life.
After we asked Kent to leave I found out that he had taken a bottle of my psych meds, so I contacted my shrink to get a refill for the meds. He pointedly told me no he would not refill them as it was his opinion that I didn't need them anymore and was just drug seeking. Can you say FIRED??!! I had been seeing this man for 6 1/2 years, and had put up with him not knowing what meds I was on, losing my chart, arguing with me about what meds I would take when I was pregnant, arguing when I switched mid pregnancy, taking calls from other patients when I was in his "chair", and that was the last straw.
So I began the search for a new psych. I was feeling not right on the drugs that I had been on anyway, and began to spiral downward, actually that started in mid May, so needless to say all the stress I was under wasn't helping. I really began to come unraveled, and nothing seemed to help.
Honestly that had a lot to do with why I stopped blogging, I just couldn't come up with anything positive to write about, and I certainly didn't want to drivel on about all the mental upheaval I was enduring. Being Bi-Polar is a right royal pain in the ass to say the least!!
If you remember I had posted about having some dental issues earlier this year, well they chose this month to come to a head. After a failed attempt to root canal/crown one of my teeth the dentist suggested I just get them pulled. The tooth he worked on broke off at the gum line while I was waiting for the crown.
So, the 2nd I had all but 7 of my bottom teeth pulled, and on the 3rd I had all of the top ones pulled. Dentures SUCK!!! The oral surgeon said that once he pulled my teeth, he realized just how bad things were... my teeth were all rotten below the gum line, so badly so that a few of them just broke off when he tried to pull them. Can you say thank the Lord for drugs??!! I can!!! I experienced some pretty severe pain and lock jaw issues afterwards, and spent a few weeks on pain killers and valiu.m. To say that period of highness wasn't conducive to writing here would again be correct!! :o)
My mental issues continued to worsen, and I saw my PCP for a referral to a new shrink. He referred me, and I scheduled an appointment. The bad thing was that she was booked up until mid October, so I had to just stay on the meds I was on until I could see her.
Keith and I were having issues. Verbal disagreements and pissing matches became the norm for us, and that only proved to make my depression deepen. One night after a really bad screaming match, which almost always seemed to start over the TotCicles, he broke down crying, looked me in the face and said "I am not happy anymore, and I haven't been for a long time." Kick in the teeth #2. Cue the sound of my world crashing down around me yet again!
I have only seen this man cry 2 other times since we have been together(18 years), so I knew in my soul I had really hurt him. I cannot begin to understand how hard it has to be for him to live with me and my Bi-Polar, but I didn't think it was hurting him so much. I know I am not an easy person to deal with sometimes, hell I get frustrated with me, but to see the man that I love with everything that I am so hurt, just about killed me.
I resolved to try harder to be a better wife. I knew that the shrink visit was a long way off so I devised plans, making lists and the like, to deal with the lack of housekeeping, I also worked very hard at not trying to be so indecisive, as that was one of his big issues. It seems that I was pissing him off a lot by not helping with household decisions, although some of the ones he brought up were strictly things I didn't feel I needed to be worried about. I mean why should I care if he moves the fence?? Or sells his beloved 67' Volkswagen Beetle?? I didn't think they had any bearing on me. He thought otherwise!!
I can honestly say that the majority of my problem at this time was my failure to get Kent motivated, resulting his leaving. I truly felt like I had let us all down, and broken our family. I had massive guilt that I hadn't been a good enough mother to him, and that was why he had acted out so much. I was worried sick about what was going to happen to him while he was living with his father and step mother, because I could no longer control how well he was caring for his physical self. The surgery that he had, had in June required strict adherence to procedure, and I knew, and know, in my heart that he was not capable of managing it w/o intense supervision.
It was very overwhelming to deal with all of that internally, and then to have Keith's disappointment in me heaped on top. I got to the point where most days all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.
When Kent left we also lost a massive amount of support money from the state. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't like we are broke, but since my "job" was considered staying home and caring for him, when he left we had to cancel our adoption subsidy, reducing our income by a huge chunk. This brought more guilt because I felt like I was no longer contributing to the household, and as much as I would love to go back to work, it is not financially feasible for me to. It would cost me more in daycare then I could make as a CNA.
So, when you roll all that into a big ball, toss the lack of my meds not working right, August was a really shitty month!!
It was really much of the same as August, I was trying very hard to keep it together until I could get in to see the new doc, and getting more and more frustrated. My contact with Kent became more sparse because when he would contact me it was usually him asking me to pick up his pieces and I refused to, so he was pretty angry with me.
Kent's father ended up getting physical with him, and the step mom one night, so she kicked him out, told Kent he could stay, then turned around and tossed him out near the end of the month. Nice right? So he called me freaking out about all the stuff going on, and while I felt horrible about it, I told him that he wasn't allowed to come home.
That was extremely hard on me because I had been missing him so very much, but I know that it wouldn't have solved anything and most likely would have just reinforced to him that he "ran" things. He ended up moving in with one of his BioUncles and his wife. Again not a prime situation, but one that I cannot control.
I finally got in to see the new shrink, and she pulled me off my old meds, and put me on a new one. Well, about 2 weeks into that, I had to tell her that pill was a no go. You see, you cannot give a gastric bypass patient a controlled release pill. Uh yeah how about I was literally crapping it out after 3-4 hours. So on to a new med.
I also started seeing a therapist there in her office, and while I like the shrink and the therapist, I HATE the office staff. They are inept to say the least. They know I live in NC, yet they called my number with a VA area code to confirm my appointments They cancelled one because the number was disconnected... gee ya think?? Trust me when I tell you that I expressed my extreme displeasure with them to both my docs.
So, I am going to end this now and do November in a different post... that will give you and I both a chance to potty, get a drink and stretch your legs!! See you in a little bit.
December 1, 2010
Went for the Hydro Sonogram this morning, and everything looks good!! The Ute is "Beautiful". Her words not mine. So we are all clear for take off as soon as AF comes again.... of course you do know that means I have thrown down the gauntlet for a shorter then 60 day wait!!
So working on my update post still... it is so hard with a toddler who has decided that she is a terrorist!! OMG you guys cannot believe the tantrums and attitude this kid can throw!!
Ok, be back tomorrow!!! HUGS!!
November 22, 2010
So, AF came this past Friday morning. I started spotting pretty bad Thursday night, so I knew the next morning I could call and make the appointment for the hydro sonogram. Also, in Thursdays mail I got my package from the IVF nurse with all our scripts and our Cryo schedule, so maybe that put a little motivation into her to!! :o)
I have yet to hear back from the woman in the business office, but that is par for the course with her, I have had issues with her before, and I fully plan on making the clinic aware of everything at the end of this cycle regardless of the outcome. But, I did hear from the IVF nurse again this morning and everything is a go as far as blood work and the scripts.
Lorraine made a comment on my last post about minimal meds, and I wanted to explain what I meant about that. I am agreeing to go along with the standard meds as far as the precycle and transfer meds. So, pre-transfer I will be on the Vivelle patches, estrace tablets, predisone and doxycycline. After transfer I will be on the Progesterone injections..... although I would rather not, she pressed the low progesterone issue with me and the fact that the suppositories seem to have no affect on me. She also really wants me to be on heparin injections again, and I am on the fence with that, but we will discuss it when I go in for the Hydro on Dec. 1st. I am not against meds if I feel that there is a benefit, but with the last 2 cycles that we did, I felt so overwhelmed at all of the shots I ended up doing, and I wondered if all of the stress didn't play at least some part in the negatives.
I know that the outcome of this cycle will depend on the embryo's themselves, so I can only hope at this point for a good thaw, and at least one little embryo that CAN!!
Things will probably not get rolling until after the first of the year due to the fact that the lab closes for 2 weeks at Christmastime so the last day to start patches for a cycle this year is the 4th of Dec., and my hydro isn't until the 1st. I then have to get AF after the hydro before I can start the Vivelle patches. This is actually cool with me as I cannot see adding the stress of a cycle to the stress of the holidays, not to mention Lauryn's birthday shortly into January.
I wanted to let you know that I am working on a little update post about all that has gone on in the last few months, but honestly it is hard to sit here for more then a few minutes at a time what with a toddler, 3 dogs, 2 horses and a husband who all demand more of my time then I actually have to give!! I am working on it though!!! See you all soon!! Hugs!
November 18, 2010
I talked to the IVF nurse, and my RE wants a Hydro sonogram before we can transfer. Cool Beans, no problem. It has to be done between day 5 and 15 of your cycle. Normally I would be at that point right now, but alas my uterus is screwing me over again.
I have decided that this FET will be done with as little medical intervention as possible... meaning Meds. I think that things were just getting overboard towards the end last time, and the only thing I was on when I got pregnant with Lauryn was baby aspirin, progesterone suppositories, and pre natals. So I think a return to minimal is called for here.
This will be the last time we do this as honestly we cannot afford... mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially, another try. I have worked through the whole thing in my mind, and I am just at that point where I want to bring these last ones "home" and if we end up getting a baby then great, but if not, I can move on KNOWING I did everything I could, No Regrets.
So, when Mother Nature gets the memo and fills my request for AF, I will be on my way....... I am scared out of my mind!!!!
November 9, 2010
And so it begins again.
For the VERY last time.
p.s. a Gee-Up is Lauryn's name for her blanket, she cannot be found with out it.
October 7, 2010
Aside from all of the thinking, I have been dealing with a rambunctious toddler, and a horse who needs lots more attention then I was prepared for.
Lauryn is creeping up on 3, and continues to amaze us everyday with her antics. She seems to have adjusted well to Kent being gone, although it really wasn't like he was here much in the last year anyway with how he sequestered himself in his room. She is talking up a storm now and tells you everything that she "likes", which is mostly everything. She only believes there are two food groups, cereal and chicken nuggets. She spent most of the summer outside wither playing in her pool or the mud... she is definitely an outdoors baby. She has a huge rock and shell collection, is in love with every set of beads that she can get her hands on, and is finally allowing us to put her on the potty most of the time. I have honestly realized how much I love this little girl. I know we are supposed to be awed and amazed with them from birth, but I just hit that plane where I have finally accepted that she is mine, all mine, and I finally have the deepest love for her. I sit and just hug her when she wants to cuddle me, feeling her warmth makes me smile. The smell of her hair, and her little giggle send me into heaven every time. I have known it was in there, but just feeling it on the surface isn't the same. There comes a point when you know that you love them so much and so deeply that nothing can break that bond, and I am so happy to be in that place now.
Keith and I have discussed that this change in me may be from what happened in April.
As I sat here waiting for news of my nephews birth, it was all business as usual. Dealing with Lauryn, Rex, Kent's issues, and life in general, I wasn't paying attention to something, my body. I missed little signals, that looking back, I realized I would have missed anyway. Nothing prepared me for what was to happen though, and I have still not recovered from it emotionally.
April 22nd, I got up and was getting ready for the day when I got very nauseous, and had to sit down on the couch. Every time I stood up this wave washed over me, and I couldn't swallow the heaves away, so I ran to the bathroom where I dry heaved for almost 15 minutes. Almost instantly after the last retch I got the overwhelming urge to pee, so I sat down and tried. Nothing came out as far as urine was concerned, but all of a sudden there was a pop and a plop in the toilet. It was the most fucking ominous sound I have ever heard. I jumped up and looked down and was confronted with what I hope to never see again. A fetus in the bowl. Not just a little something, but a perfectly formed, from what I could tell, fetus. All I could do was stand there and shake in disbelief at what I was seeing. How had this happened?? How did I not know?? What had happened to it?? I think I stood there for almost 5 minutes before I realized I was bleeding all down my legs and onto the floor. I slowly cleaned up avoiding the toilet the whole time, and called Keith at work. He had no words, but asked me if I was ok. Um no. I tried to call the clinic to see what they wanted me to do, but I didn't get anyone on the line. I couldn't go in the bathroom at all, and when Lauryn finally got up, I just held her. No tears. It stayed in there all day until Keith came home, and asked me what I wanted to do about it. I still hadn't heard from the clinic, so I told him that I wasn't going to fish it out of the toilet, and the only way it was gonna get out was if he did it. Well he wouldn't touch it either, so we literally waited until we put Lauryn to bed, went in the bathroom, said a little prayer, and flushed the poor thing. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I pray to the Universe that I NEVER have to do that again.
I talked to my RE the next day and she was sad that it had happened, and was a little upset that I had been unable to get anyone on the phone because she said they would have had me bring it to them for testing. She wanted me to come in for some tests, but when I called the ins. company, they wouldn't approve me seeing her. She told me to keep an eye on the bleeding, and to call her if I had any issues. I bled for almost 2 weeks, and even had milk come in... nowhere near what it did with Lauryn, but since I had still been leaking I noticed that it ramped up a bit for about 3 weeks then wained back to what it had been before.
I struggle with the whole situation still everyday. I know that I missed something, I mean I have always paid attention to my body, but frankly when I spent all these years trying to get pregnant, and the only time I did was when I did IVF, I never in a million years expected something like this to happen. I mean I knew it could, we weren't preventing, but it really wasn't even a blip on my radar. When I look back, I realize that even if I had known, I don't think I could have prevented what happened, but it still doesn't lessen the pain. I have nightmares about it, and I don't expect that to change for the immediate future, since my mind loves to torture me.
So, that is how I came to realize that no matter what I had to let down that wall in my heart as far as Lauryn was concerned, and just love her without abandon. It has been a change for the good as I always felt somewhat disconnected from her in ways that I couldn't explain. Maybe it was the fear that I have always felt about losing her, but now that I have lost a future life, I know that living in the present is what is more important. I can't predict that something bad may happen tomorrow, but I know that for today she is mine, she is here, and she needs her mommy to love her with all that she has. And I do.
July 26, 2010
What's keeping "dad" from returning Kent to you since you're still the legal guardian, aren't you?
Kent going to live with his dad was voluntary on both parties parts, so to speak. I love Kent, but he is no longer welcome to reside in our home, and he knows that. We have actually never had legal guardianship of Kent, we were his parent just like any other parents. In November when he attacked me, he had just turned 18 and at the urging of the adult protective services worker, we looked into getting declared his guardians due to the situation. We were told by our attorney that it would take months to go through the process, and once a judge saw how intelligent Kent was, he would most likely not grant our petition. The judges look at whether the child is competent to care for themselves, and in Kent's case, he is able, he just doesn't. Keith and I decided in the end that if we pushed the issue that it would just cause more hate and discontent with Kent, not to mention the legal implications it could have had for us had he hurt himself or someone else.
Have you checked with Medicare? He should definitely qualified and should have ages ago. It can take 18 mos from the beginning of the application process but the sooner you start it, the sooner he can start receiving benefits.
Kent was on Medicaid from the time he was placed into foster care, and it continued in part after we adopted him, our insurance became his primary while Medicaid became secondary. We were told by Virginia DSS that Kent was eligible for medicaid until he was 21 under a federal special needs adoption law. They told us that no matter where we lived in the US after we adopted him, that state had to abide by the adopting state's Medicaid law, that was not true. Each state is required to offer Medicaid, but they do not have to cover the same things that another state would cover. They also have the option to set an age cut off for the minors receiving coverage. In Virginia special needs kids are covered until 21, in North Carolina, it is only until 18. So, under North Carolina state Medicaid law, the day Kent turned 18 he had to reapply and meet the state income guidelines for disability medicaid. The problem with that rule is that once Kent turned 18, North Carolina began to consider the federal grant that we get monthly (Adoption Subsidy) Kent's income. Under that law, Kent "made" above the dollar amount level to re-qualify for medicaid. The check comes to me, and gets put into my bank account to cover all of Kent's medical needs not covered by medicaid, which were numerous, and to help with his living expenses. Kent had no job, so other then that money, he had no income. I plead to the Social Security Administration to declare him disabled, but I got the same story from them. I literally asked the woman at the SSA office if I had to make my son homeless and penniless to get him the help that he needed, and she looked me right in my face and said, "It won't be the first time I have seen a parent have to do it, and I am sure it won't be the last." So, even though Kent is permanently paralyzed, as long as we got that subsidy for him, it was his income, and the government did not consider him disabled because of the money he made. Trust me when I tell you that I was in total freaking disbelief when all this came out because it is just the dumbest shit I have ever heard of.
I fought hard, even going back to Virgina because they have the option to take him back as a Medicaid recipient if the state we live in would no longer cover him, but they wouldn't do it. I even gave them the federal statutes that I found online that stated they were able to exercise that option, but in the end we lost. North Carolina cancelled his Medicaid, and he had to come home. Honestly the really stupid thing about the whole thing is that Kent was already 18 when they agreed to pay for him to go to the rehab hospital in the first place, by 3 flipping months, and they waited until April to tell us they were pulling him.
Since he is no longer living here, we rescinded our subsidy and cancelled him off our insurance, so he can get back on Medicaid and now qualify for SSDI.
I hope this kinda helps you guys understand what I have gone through with the government, it is really sad to know that they force people to make decisions based on crap like this, full well knowing that they are screwing up lives, but they don't really care. Honestly this is part of the reason that I tell people adopting from foster care to be VERY careful and not to take anything the workers tell you at face value. They may not mean to mislead you intentionally, sometimes, but they do, and frankly the more homework you do on your own the better off you are.
I cannot say whether it would have made any difference in where we are at today because the simple fact is that Kent didn't live up to his end of the agreement that we had, but I can't help that it is part of the reason that things turned out the way they did. He was not anywhere near ready to come home from the hospital, and I honestly believe that had he stayed there longer, I wouldn't be sitting here without him nursing a broken heart.
July 21, 2010
Things were already ramping up at the end of march what with the whole tooth stuff, caring for Rex, and other little things.
Then came the day in early April when I got a letter stating that the state was pulling Kent's medicaid coverage, which was who was paying for his inpatient treatment. I lost it, and called the worker. She stated that the state told her that once Kent had turned 18 that our adoption subsidy had become his "income" and there fore he "made" to much money to qualify for coverage. This didn't ring true with what we had been told when we had adopted him from Virginia, so I started calling, and calling, and calling anyone I thought could help me. Turns out we were lied to. Each state has the right to adapt the Medicaid law as they see fit, and what is covered in some states is NOT covered in others. In Virginia, Kent would have remained on medicaid until 21 here in NC, not so much. So, for literally almost 6 weeks I fought with 2 states about who in the hell was going to cover this kid so that he could stay where he was, because he was in no shape to come home yet.
In the end, I lost the battle, and he returned home on the 30th of May. No more changed then he was when he went in to treatment. The 31st, I took him to be admited to the hospital for an elective surgery that he was having done. He came home on the 4th of June from that, but he had already started to act up while he was there for the 5 days.
We have gave him a six week deadline to meet certain requirements. He was supposed to do his chores around the house as he had before he had left, get an ID, get his GED , or be waiting on a test date, and working towards enrolling in the local college for the fall. We explained that we understood that all of this things might not be doable in the time frame, but that if we saw that he was making a concerted effort we would extend his time. Here we sit 6 weeks later, and he never did anything to work towards those goals, in fact in 6 weeks he only left the house six times. He spent most of his days in his room watching TV, playing games, or sitting on the computer.
I told him four weeks into things that I was tired, and I no longer cared what he does with his life. I still love him, but honestly you can only watch a person NOT care about themselves for so long before it poisons you to. Not to mention the fact that we have since found out while he was in treatment, that he really spread some very hateful lies about us before he left. Needless to say it has made for some confrontations for us, and some of our friends that never should have happened. We live in a very small community in the rural south, so everyone "thinks" they know your business, when really they usually have no clue. But the damage has been done.
Last Wednesday night we sat him at the table and told him that Friday was the end of his six weeks, and that since he had made no motions toward accomplishing the goals that we had set forth, that he would have to find a new place to live. The hate and angry words that came from him will forever ring in my ears and heart, but I can imagine the fear that he had at the time.
Thursday he made some calls, and after a verbal altercation between his birth father and I on the phone, and a long discussion with Keith on the phone "dad" agreed to take him in. Plans were made for him to go up there to them on Friday. We agreed to drive him the 3 hours to his dads house and drop him off. The step mom was supposed to call early the next morning with the details, unfortunately she waited until after eleven AM to call us, so with us having to drive so far and the fact that we would have to drive through a major metro area during rush hour, it was decided that we would take him Saturday morning instead.
After much consideration on Friday afternoon, Keith and I decided to give them some money, our mini van, which was purchased for Kent, and to leave him on our insurance until the end of the month. we were trying to help ease the transition as much as we could for all involved. I called step mom and let her know what we had decided, and she was very relieved. I totally got that this was out of the blue for them and that it was going to be hard on them to have another mouth to feed, not to mention his special needs.
Friday night while mowing the grass we found out that our truck's starter had broken, and there was no time to fix it before the next morning. I made arrangements for a couple of friends to help us the next day. Keith didn't want to put said friends out, so we contacted "dad" told him what was going on, and I started to ask him if he could rent a truck to come get Kent.... before I could even tell him that we would pay for said truck he vehemently said no, he didn't have the money, and he didn't want to drive all the way down here to get Kent. I told him that I didn't relish the though of driving to his house either, and he responded with, " Well once you drop him off I have to deal with him for the rest of my life." Nice one there "dad". He then had the nerve to grill me about what was wrong with the van that we were so willing to give it to them. I told him nothing was wrong with it, it had just been serviced, and had a set of new tires. He didn't believe me and was going on and on about why we really were giving it to them. I explained that it had been bought for Kent, and the only time we used it was when we went somewhere with him. I have a Mazda 5, and Keith has his Kia, so there is no real need for us to keep the van anymore.
When I got off the phone with him Keith was just livid, and started going off about "dad". Then he looked at me and told me that they weren't getting shit from us. I told him that there was no reason to be so upset over the whole thing, and then he let me in on the fact that the night before when "dad" was going off on him over the phone that he had threatened to have Lauryn taken away from us if we kicked Kent out. I was stunned. This man is a minister people. I have been raising his son for over 10 years, and he has the nerve to say something like that. I agreed with Keith that we shouldn't give them anything, because I wasn't going to put up with that kind of shit from anyone.
After finding out that a rental was going to cost almost 400 bucks, we decided to just go with our plan of having the friends help us out. I called "dad" and let him know what was going on, and held my tongue about the threat.
Saturday we loaded Kent's things, and they left. Under direction from "dads" sister who told me that "dad" was going to lose his shit when he found out he wasn't going to get anything, I called the sheriffs department in "dads" county and asked for an escort. They couldn't do it because of low manpower, but told me that if I needed the deputy to call his cell, and he would be right there.
Before they got to "dads" Keith decided to stop for drinks and gas, and called to tell me that he was going to tell them that he needed to bring the van back home to get the seats that go in it, we had to take them out to get Kent's stuff in it, and that he had forgotten the check with the title. He felt like this was the best way to go with things to avoid a confrontation.
They got there, unloaded Kent and his things, and even went so far as to set up his bed (hospital type), told them the story, and left. Needless to say 10 minutes later, "dad" starts blowing up my phone. I called Keith and told him that I wasn't going to answer it because frankly I didn't feel like talking to the dumb ass anyway. He called 5 times in the two and a half hours it took Keith to get home, and I still didn't answer.
We decided to treat the friends who had helped us to dinner and went out. When we got home he had called 4 more times on the house phone, and 3 on my cell. Keith and I were sitting here discussing the best way to break the news to them when step moms cell pops up on the phone. I decided that honestly was the best policy and answered the phone. "Dad" was on the other end and asked if Keith had gotten home OK, and why I hadn't called him back. I told him that I wanted to ask him a question, he said fine, so I asked him what he was thinking threatening to have my daughter taken away from us. he was all apologetic, and told me it was very inappropriate, and that he didn't mean it. I told him fine, but that if he ever did it again, he was going to need his God to come in between us. He then asked me if we were going to give them the van and the money, and I started to tell him that based on his behavior towards us at that point we weren't sure. To say that he lost his shit would be an understatement. He started screaming at me, calling me an effin bitch and then told me that he could play my little games to. When I asked him what that meant, he stated that he was going to take me to court and lie to them, telling them that I abuse and neglect Lauryn, and that he was going to sue me for stealing from his crippled son all these years. I just told him to have fun with that, and hung up on him. He called back a minute later and when I answered he was still ranting, and then he said that he was going to drive down here the next morning to "Get Me". I told him to "Bring his ass", and then I hung up on him. He called right back again, but I had handed the phone to Keith, and he answered. As soon has he heard Keith's voice he was all apologizing about talking to me like that, and Keith just said "Yeah sure you are "dad" let me talk to step mom."
Keith then got step mom on the phone and spent the next 30 minutes explaining why we had decided not to give them anything, and that basically we legally didn't have to offer them one cent, much less give them a van. He told her that "dad" had sunk their ship with his behavior, and that he was never to call this house again.
Sunday we called our Sheriff and told them what had happened, and they told us to document what was said because if they took a report then they would have him arrested for communicating threats. Since "dad" being in jail wouldn't serve any ones purpose, we decided to just leave it alone for now, but there is no statute of limitations on that offense, so if he starts his shit again we can have him charged.
So there you have it. That has been my last few weeks as far as Kent was concerned. There is more to update you on, but frankly my fingers are killing me after typing this, so I will be back to tell you about what else has been going on soon. Hugs.
July 20, 2010
The problem with that statement is that his room is now empty of all of his things. He moved out on Saturday, or more like we asked him to leave.
After I walked out of her room my tears flowed. I never wanted things to end like this, and a mothers love doesn't just end when her children walk out the door. I will forever love him, and will always wonder why we were never good enough for him as parents or as a family. My heart is broken in a million pieces, and I am not sure how to mend it.
The last six weeks since he came home have been filled with so much anger, hurt, and frusteration that when he did go I was actually relieved, but now that we have cleaned out his room, it is real. He is gone. Not coming back. Lost to me probably forever.
Trust me when I say that when we took him in this was never a blip on my radar, but 10 years later, it is all to real. We adopted him, gave him our last name and all of our hearts, but in the end it wasn't enough for him and he walked away.
I know that this may seem like a post way out of left field since I have been gone for so long, but honestly my life has been turned upside down for the last three and a half months. I am working on a post entailing all that has gone on, but I really needed to get this off my chest tonight. No more waiting, no more hiding.
April 1, 2010
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Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
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March 31, 2010
March 25, 2010
So this is my new Man... Rex. The vet was out yesterday and said over all he looks good, we just need to get him fattened back up. He got all his shots and a wormer. The vet said that he was really impressed with his personality for an Appaloosa, and an appaloosa stud at that. I am working with the local rehaber, and have him on a great feed schedule, not to mention letting him out to graze twice a day. He has gotten a bit uppity with me a few times, but I have it down to two things... one there is a mare at the barn in heat, and two he is really freaking afraid he is going to keep starving!! He has started letting me brush his winter coat out, and actually stood still for it!! He is really going to be an amazing guy once we get him all healthy again, and I am looking forward to seeing him in all his glory!!! Enjoy!!
March 23, 2010
- 3/6 - I got a call from ReHab that Kent had been in a fight and had to be taken to get stitches in the back of his head. He was being teased but he was the aggressor, and didn't win.
- 3/7 - I went to visit Kent to take his GED books to him, and it ended with him being mad at me because I tried to get him to talk about his part in the incident the night before. He didn't see that he had done anything wrong.
- 3-8 Keith got told that he had to be in GA for training the 22nd for 2 weeks. This happens every 2 years, but he was in a class locally until the teacher cancelled.
- 3/8-3/12 - The few days here was filled with doc appointments, and trying to get things squared away for Keith to leave.
- 3/12 - Kent's team meeting was in the afternoon, and all was going well until we began discussing the fight. He promptly lost his shit when I suggested that he had not in fact worked through his anger/aggression issues as he was trying to tell the docs that he had. The incident had been reported to the head doc as rough horseplay. That bothered me because that is not what I was told happened. So Kent got pissed cussed me out, called me names, and ended up being escorted from the room. I informed the doctors that I was not going to tolerate anymore of these phone calls where I was going to be verbally abused anymore. Needless to say I was pretty pissed of about the whole thing. I told them to tell him not to bother calling me until he got over his crap.
- 3/14-3/18 - I didn't speak to Kent all week because frankly I didn't want to hear it anymore, not to mention we were still very busy trying to get stuff done around the house and taking care of business that needed to be handled.
- 3/19 - We got up and were just puttering around the house when the phone rings, it was the Rehab, I almost didn't answer it, but I figured it probably wasn't Kent that early in the morning. Come to find out I was right. I answer the phone to get informed that Kent has been transported to Big City hospital because the night nurse had over dosed his morning meds, and he was having breathing and pulse issues. I swear people I cannot make this shit up!! I freaked out and started screaming at the nurse asking her what in the hell happened, and she told me that someone would call me with more info and then basically hung up. I promptly called the main hospital and found out that he had been taken to the ER to be monitored after they gave him a Narcan injection to reverse the OD. I called Big City, and they told me that he was in the ER, and that the doctors hadn't seen him but they would be keeping him for at least 5 hours, and to call back in a few hours to check on him.... WTF??!! Long story short he went back to Rehab after 7 hours on the monitors and is doing fine now, but Keith and I have been discussing how to deal with this.
- 3/19 - I live next to a barn that keeps horses. Most of the horses are pasture fed, and for the most part healthy. There is a male there though who has all my heart, and they have been starving him. They had him in a pen alone because all of the other horses are females, and they can't have him knocking anymore of them up, he already got his own mother, but they don't feed him or the girls on a regular basis. The girls have the grass, but all he had was dirt. We actually started going out every other day and taking him hay and water, not to mention picking grass for him. That morning I had gone to look on him and he just didn't look right, and one of the older girls was down in the pasture. I came home crying and told Keith that we had to do something. He told me to call and ask them if they would sell us the horse. I was stunned, he told me just 2 years ago there was not a chance in hell that I was ever going to get a horse. Well I called them, asked and they told me that yes they would sell him to us, and in fact had talked about calling us to see if we wanted to buy him since we had been taking such good care of him. So a few hundred dollars later, I am now the owner of a rescue horse who needs a lot of work. GAH!! He is very underweight and needs a lot of one on one time, but all that matters to me is that he is going to live.
- 3/21 - Keith left to go out of town, and the 10 days began.
- 3/22 - I am doing ok with the girl, the horse and the house. The vet is coming out to see Horse tomorrow to give him his shots and to maybe Geld (Neuter) him. I had to get 3 bags of special feed to start getting him fattened up. I am going to be working with a local rehaber to get him back on track.
So that has been my last 2 weeks in review... turned out longer then I thought it was, but I wanted you all to know that I was still here just busy with things. Hugs to all you out there!! Have a great week!!
March 16, 2010
March 15, 2010
March 6, 2010
I know I do!!!!!! If you help me, you also have a chance to win something. No, I'm not giving something away. Susan over at She's Becoming DoughMessTic is giving away not one but two KitchenAid Mixers.
The only thing you have to do to enter is blog, tweet, or facebook the giveaway and then go back and comment only ONCE that you did so (you do have to follow her on twitter or be a facebook fan).
If you go enter, please, please, puh-leeeeeeeeeeze say I sent you. If you say I sent you and you win, then we both win.So, go read the giveaway post...Enter the giveaway and make sure you say I sent you.
March 4, 2010
When I went "public" with my blog in January, I knew that I was putting myself out there. I mean our names are on here now and used in most every post that I make. Lauryn's name is not spelled in the normal way, so if searched, in combination with my name and Keith's name, I am sure it would bring you right here. Ok, I just googled it and yeah you can find me like that, so nuff said. I have a feeling that I do know who it is, and frankly if it is who I suspect, I am very heartbroken.
On the other hand I had been considering breaking off this friendship for about 2 months because it has just become toxic. This person makes a point of telling me just how she feels about the way that we are handling the Kent situation, and it is along the lines of the comments that Anon has made. She makes me feel badly about the parenting choices I make with regards to both of my children, and some of them have been downright rude, leaving me in tears. I know that no one is a perfect parent, and I never have claimed to be... I am learning everyday. This person however does not seem to want to acknowledge that no one has all the answers when it comes to raising children, especially special needs kids who have physical issues, not to mention mental issues.
There are also other things that she throws in my face, but the ones that hurt the most are the ones judging my parenting skills, so I will leave it at that.
Kent has a lot of issues from his past, from before he even came to live with us, that have caused him anger and frustration, along with a severe fear of abandonment. This actually happens a lot when children are removed from bio-families and placed into foster care, not to mention the things that happened to him before he was taken away. He also has to deal with the fact that the neglect that his family put him through is partly if not wholly to blame for his paralysis. Trust me on this one, it really could have been avoided if they would have just paid attention at the time. I think this is the big reason that he was so scared to go to the hospital and get help, he figured that we were just going to drop him off and run. I don't think he sees that as the case now, because we have been to visit, and we participate in family therapy every week. We have every intention of letting Kent come home once he has reached a level where he can control and manage his anger appropriately, and has proven that he is ready and willing to be more independent. He is 18 now and needs to take on life just like any other young adult. He was making no movement in the general direction of independence, in fact it was just the opposite, he was becoming more and more dependant on us for everything.
I have come to the conclusion that people are going to judge me no matter what I do or say, and that is ok because everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am not going to apologize or feel guilty for the things that I have done in regards to Kent because I think that what we have done thus far is exactly what we and he needed. I love my son with all my heart, and even though we don't share DNA, we do have a very special bond that will be with us for the rest of our lives.
People will come and go in our lives, but the one thing that remains unwavering is my love for my son and my daughter.
March 3, 2010
"seeing as how you know me IRL and all... got me all figured out don't ya??!!" You're proving your retard status.
Oh see now that isn't very nice.... not PC either.
I never claimed to "know you IRL".
Hey light bulb, that was sarcasm... look it up.
I could give less of a shit about you.
Oh less of a shit huh?? Well that is a good thing seeing as how shit stinks. Can I rate at least a fart though?? It is kinda cold here in NC, so the hot air would do me some good!
I think you're a whiney, self-centered bitch of a mother who pushes her son off on society rather than taking care of the issues like a real mom would.
Whiney and self centered?? Oh sweetie I think not. I am just about the furthest thing from self centered you will find, but then you are just lashing out trying to hurt my feelings... I get it, it is OK. I have not pushed my son off on society as you so kindly put it. Do you feel that way because Medicaid is paying for his hospital stay?? If that is what you are referring to, you need to know that for the last 4 years I have eaten all of this child's medical expenses, getting no help from anyone but our sorry ass insurance. So yeah I got medicaid to pay for him, he is eligible for it because he is permanently disabled, what's your point?? Oh, and are you also telling me a real mom would let her paralyzed son die because he refused to take care of himself to the point that he was causing irreparable damage to his internal organs?? Maybe you would have me wiping his ass for the rest of his life even though he is fully capable of doing it himself?? I will make sure to alert my friends that they are doing it all wrong.
Least I didn't have to pay to get knocked up with my kids.
Is that supposed to hurt my feelings?? Hate to break it to you, didn't work. I think that people who work hard for something tend to appreciate it more then say... you maybe.
You may want to invest in a grammar/spell check rather than any more kids so that it will catch your fuck ups rather than creating more.
Wow, do you really feel that strongly about grammar and spelling?? Don't you worry your pretty little head what I spend my money on, it is of no consequence to you.
I had no idea that one person could be as emotionally stunted as you seem to be. Do me a favor, stop coming here, and I will stop insulting your sensitive little soul. You have not hurt my feelings with your drivel at all, in fact all I feel for you is sorry. Sorry that you have to troll blogs, especially Infertility Blogs, and lash out at people. I mean get real, if you have that much time on your hands you should do something with it. Hey I have an idea, why don't you spend it with those kids you didn't have to pay to get?? You might as well focus on them instead of me, because I know I don't love you as much as they do.
I have always wanted me ones of those Haters, and I finally got me one!!!
Anon FuckTard from a few posts ago came slumming again. Apparently someone has a real hard on for me... and you know being a woman and all, I LOVE hard on's!!! (even though they can't well you know, knock me up!)
Apparently I am now dumb, as this little person uses a proxy to hide their online jackass trolling identity. Don't you just feel special that you have to do that?? Or even more special that you know how?? You may have gotten me on the proxy thing, maybe not, but what does it say about you that you do it in the first place?? Real Mature!!
I do suck at some things, so touche on that one smarty pants!! I have one thing that I suck at amazingly.... Unfortunately you will never get the opportunity to find out what it is! :o)
Don't you have anything better then I am dumb and I suck, because to be honest with you my 18 year old tosses better insults then you do! Come on now, get a little more creative for my sake, because I love to hear just what YOU think about me... seeing as how you know me IRL and all... got me all figured out don't ya??!!
I think that you came back and saw all the comments that were left actually supporting me, and it got your little ire up didn't it?? Poor baby, I guess you thought that people might actually agree with you.... not likely. See some people get it, you know that being a parent is full of struggles, and the fact that sometimes you have to do things that you didn't think you would ever have to, to help your children.
While my life is full of things that I wish I could change, this is not one of them. My son is where he needs to be, and I will continue to fight the battle to keep him pointed in the right direction.
I did notice that you had nothing to say about the actual substance of my response to you.... could it be because I am right, and that you haven't walked in my shoes?? You know the ones that have adopted and raised a special needs child, only to watch him fall apart right in front of your eyes?
The ones I was wearing the day I left him at the hospital, and cried most of the way home. Not tears of Guilt, but of relief because I knew that he was finally going to get the help I had been fighting to get him for years??
The shoes I put on every morning when I get up so that I can continue to be strong for him, and my daughter. I don't think that you could wear them because frankly they would swallow your whole body in just one heel.
So, do me a favor and get over yourself, just because you think that your parents were horrible, not saying they weren't, not everyone who has to do what I have is a bad parent, and until you understand that, you will remain bitter and angry, and frankly that isn't good for your soul, not to mention your blood pressure.
March 2, 2010
What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch, Ceaser, or a tasty Pico De Galo.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Toyama's (Japanese)
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Salads
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Onions, mushrooms, green peppers, tomatoes, black olives, banana peppers, and ham.
How many televisions are in your house? 4
What color cell phone do you have? Red.
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Nothing, Yet....
What is the last heavy item you lifted? a 50 pound bag of dog food
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope
Have you ever fainted? Again, no.
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Yes... It would give me a chance to prepare myself and my family.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I don't think I would
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 5
Last person you talked to? My Mom
Season? Spring... I love to watch the world come back to life!!
Day of the week? Saturdays
Month? June and January
Color? Sage Green
Drink? Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper or Coffee
Alcoholic? White Russian
Missing someone? Yes... everyday.
What are you listening to? The PlayList on my Blog, and the Turtle trying very hard to keep from sleeping, via the baby monitor.
What are you watching? Nothing.
Worrying about? What to do when Keith goes out of town in a few weeks.
What's the last movie you saw? Couple's Retreat... Laughed my ass off!!
Do you smile often? YES!!!
If you could change your eye color what would it be? A light Sky Blue
What's on your wish list for your birthday? A quiet night alone with my husband.
Can you do a chin-up? Yeah right... maybe if the bar was at nose level...
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? It honestly depends on the day.
Have you been in a car wreck? Yes.
Have you caused a car wreck? Not that I know of.
Do you have an accent? My mother swears I have southern accent, but I don't hear it.
Last time you cried? Yesterday when I got that asshat comment on my blog.
Plans tonight? Nothing, the rain is setting in, so it is home body night.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I know I have, and I fought my way back.
Name three things you bought yesterday? Tires, and dinner with Keith and Lauryn.
Have you met someone who changed your life? Yes, Keith and my kids.
For the better or worse? Better then I could have imagined.
How did you bring in the New Year? Watching the Ball drop with Keith.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes, I would be there when my grandmother passed. I missed it and I will never forgive myself for it.
What songs do you sing in the shower? Uh why would I put my ears through that in a confined space??!!
Have you held hands with someone today? Yes, Lauryn.
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Lauryn.
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Both.
Do you like pulpy orange juice? No.
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Within the last 2 months I guess.
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Reading blogs!!
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Damn I really have to Pee!!!!!
March 1, 2010
"You sound strikingly similar to my own parents and my parents always played the "we're doing our best" card when they were the crazy ones. Now people see through their bible thumping facade to the real, um, winners that they are. Maybe just deal with your child instead of pushing him off onto society like he's their "problem" (ironically, a word I refuse to use when speaking about a child). I wonder what your daughter will think looking from her perspective. She probably will worry that you will just ship her off too like you did her brother. "
Please take a chance to read more about me then just my last few posts, and keep in mind that I am about only a 4 hour drive from you, and now have your ISP. Hope the weather in Charlottesville was nice today.
Furthermore, don't bother coming back here and leaving this kind of crap assvice on my blog. You have NO idea what I have been through with and for this young man, and until you do you will NEVER understand what I am going through.
I don't Bible thump or anything even remotely close. I have dealt with my Son and tried to do the best that I can. Would you suggest letting him just rot away in his room all day because he is to lazy to clean his own ass, get a job, do his homework, or even have friends??
Do you have a clue what it is like to raise a special needs child?? Unless you do then shut the hell up!! I am sick to death of people judging me for doing what was the hardest thing I have ever done, so you and you stupid little comment can kiss my ass.
BTW, keep your mouth shut about my daughter, she will be just fine, no matter what your opinion is on the matter.