June 22, 2009

Finding Time

I can't seem to find the time or the energy to update these days. The summer has gotten started here, and the vacation reservations have been made. Most of my days are spent thinking to the future and what it may or may not hold, not to mention dealing with a very independent yet needy toddler. I am going to do this bullet style since there are a few updates that I need to give you. Here goes....

  • Kent had his U/S and followup on the 10 of June, and he does in fact have a hydrocele that needs to be operated on... sometime soon. The original plan was for it to be in July, but when I called the scheduler, she said it may be some time in late August... not bad for an emergent procedure huh?? I meant that last statement with all the sarcasm I could muster. I still strongly dislike his doc, and she still makes me want to scream.

  • Turtle was 17 months old on the 17th and still continues to amaze me.

  • The In-Laws called last week and said they are coming out this week, so I will be very busy cleaning house the next few days. Oh the joy I am looking forward to with this visit... not. This is the MIL that has no filter, so I am sure that I will be back in a week to regal you with her wonderful and loving comments to me whilst she is here. :o)

  • My birthday is quickly approaching, and I am really not ready for it.... to me it is not just one year older, but one more year on a calender to remind me of all the things that I wished I had been able to do before now.

  • As I said above, the vacation plans are all in order, and we will be leaving here July 31st, and returning home August 8th. I will be attending a party for my grandparents in my home state, and then we will be going on to see the In-Laws at their house... 2 doses of MIL in less then 6 weeks... shoot me now please. Oh, and our plans were made and solidified before they decided to come out here, so as far as canceling that leg of our trip.... not an option.

  • I will start Provera this Wednesday night in preparation for this upcoming FET cycle. A week on that and hopefully AF will make herself known, then I can start the estrogen patches, and the heparin injections. I am very at peace with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work then we will be done. I know it will hurt if it fails, but I am honestly ok with just having Turtle, and the experience that came with her.

I have also been dealing with some loss as my best friend lost her mother to Cancer last Sunday. We went to the funeral to support her, and for right now I am trying to just give her the time, space and love that she needs until her heart heals a little. She is in a sad place right now, and it makes me really hurt for her. I cannot imagine losing my mother so young (her mom was only 43) and I will hold my mother even closer from now on. In a way I feel some survivors guilt because of the fact that her mother was so young, and they were so very close. I really wish she could have had a few more years with her.

I am working on a post in the next few days about some very deep things, but I wanted to let you all know that I was indeed still here, and still going through my days. Hugs to you all.

June 11, 2009


When I started this blog almost 4 & 1/2 years ago, I never thought I would be in the place that I am today. I went back and read all of my posts today, and learned a few things about myself.

I am the same person that I was back then, only better. I say better because back then I didn't know how to feel my pain. Sure I put it out there for everyone to read, but I never really felt it. I denied a lot of what I was feeling for a very long time... sorta you know talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

When Turtle was born, I found the place where all those feelings had gone, and when I cracked the seal on it, it really hurt to much to do anything but look at it from afar. As the months have passed I have spent more time then I care to admit in that place, working through what once was my tangled mess of a soul. I can honestly say that I have come to peace with so many hurts from the past, just because Turtle is here now.

Everyday it is like she fills a piece of that dark place with the light that only she has. Having her here has allowed me to let go of so many negative thoughts, things, and feelings about myself and the other people in my life.

I have opened my eyes to see just how beautiful the world can be when you just stop for a minute to really look at it.

I no longer take the time that I have for granted, because I know that at any moment it can all be snatched away, and I want to have lived that time to the fullest.

So here is to 300 posts of tangled mess, and to the future 300 posts... may they be half as great as the Turtle is! :o)

June 4, 2009

15 years.....

As I typed that my heart skipped a beat.

I have been married to the man of my dreams for 15 years.

It is hard to believe that because it feels just like yesterday.

My mother asked me if it has been worth it, and I told her yes, nothing else has ever felt so right to me in my whole life.

The man I share my life with is the most amazing person, and I am so happy that I found him.

He completes every part of my hearts desires, and more.

He is my hero, and he surprises me with the depth of his love. It is breathtaking.

I watch him with Turtle, and I know that there is no man on this earth who was better suited to walk with me and be the father of our children.

We have and have had our low points, but it is him who carries me through them, and with him I know that our world will always be right.

I can't even put into words my love for him, it is truly all encompassing.

He kissed me softly tonight and I asked what that was for, and he reminded me that this was a special day for another reason to, and I instantly knew what he meant.... June 4th of 2007, I watched tears fall from his eye as we saw the Turtle's heart beating for the first time.

We came full circle again on this day two years ago.

It has been a wonderful 15 years, the last two though were down right amazing....

Here is to many more years with my wonderful husband, I love you with all my heart, and soul.