Well, I got through the surgery, that was about the only positive thing of the day. I was scheduled to start at 2 PM, and they didn't get started until 3:30. I was getting very tired and cranky, not to mention I was STARVING and THIRSTY. The surgery in front of us went way over. When my RE finally came up, and we had a minute to talk, she said that she got a note about me having taken all of the pain killers that she gave me for after surgery, and I told her yes because I was in such terrible pain Wednesday through Sunday because I started bleeding on CD16, which was Wednesday, and the pain was HORRIBLE, so yeah I did take all 20 of the T-3 that she gave me ... although not all at once!! She asked me if this was the worst yet, and I told her yes it was, and she looked at me and said that she was getting really worried about what she was going to find in there. They came in a few minutes later to get me, slammed some stuff in the old IV, and off to NeverLand I went. I guess it took them 2 and 1/2 hours, and I was very stunned when Clark told me in the PACU that she got in to the Lap to find that I had severe adhesions all over in my abdomen and pelvis, so bad in fact that my right ovary was attached to my liver. She found a cyst almost twice the size of my ovary on the left side, and it was very infected, I have no idea why we didn't see that on u/s if it was so big, but that was the side where she was worried about the fluid behind the ovary. I had Endo all over, and my right ovary is deformed ... in her words it looked like a banana. I also swear I heard one of the nurses say that I had, had a failed Hysteroscopy, I don't know if I imagined it, or if it really was said, as I was just coming out from under the anesthesia when I heard that, so I will have to ask her. She didn't really go into detail with Clark I guess, but she did give him a ton of pictures, and from what I saw in them it was pretty bad. I don't have my post-op until the 5th of September, so the waiting begins again. I am very saddened by this whole thing as I feel like if I had not had my WLS then I wouldn't have had all the scarring, and I think she feels the same way as we had already talked about that before @ my pre-op, and it had actually come up to with my last RE 2 years ago. I just feel like all this is all my fault somehow, and I have sooooo much guilt right now. The best part of the whole day was when they brought Clark in, he walked right over and gave me the biggest kiss on the forehead, and whispered "I love you so much sweetie" in my ear..... that just made my day. When I got home Kent was still up, and he just started crying when he hugged me and said, "I am sooooo glad you are OK Mom." That was the second best part of the day!! I am feeling so so as I finish this. It is 1 AM and I am wide awake right now. The incisions hurt pretty bad, and I am very sore in my whole "tummy," but the meds are really helping. I had to put new bandages over the steri-strips when we got home because they were soaked with blood, and I had blood on my clothes, so we put a ton of gauze and more Band-Aids to make it through the night. She told Clark to expect me to be VERY sore internally the next few days due to all the work they did, so I am pretty glad that they gave me extra meds to come home with.
Ok, so where was I??? Oh yeah I left off with the Fur Babies..... The Home Front: Well things over all are going Great here. Clark sold his Camero, and his motorcycle, and is working on the Escort now. He traded in his Amanti for a Kia Rio and he loves it. My mom was going to come out this summer, but Clark and I spent so much on vet bills that we told her to just not worry about it, airline tickets are to expensive anyway. We also had to scrap the porch because of the money that we had to shell out for the dogs, but I am totally ok with that. My dogs are like my kids, and I don't mind the money going to care for them at all. Clark's mom was also supposed to come out but she had to have surgery, and couldn't swing it, or didn't want to swing it, I think it is the second one, but that is just my opinion. When I told her that we were having trouble with Kent's behavior, was when she started changing her mind. Not that I mind her not coming here and judging me, my house, my animals, and my life in general, but it pisses me off for Kent because he was looking forward to meeting his other grandmother. I am sad for him, but I will never talk about how I feel about the whole thing in front of him. I really think that she just can't handle that she has a grandchild with a disability, and frankly it really pisses me off. She and I have never gotten along, and I think it drives her insane that I am still married to her son. Oh well, that is her problem huh??!!
My Biofather and step mother were going to come out this summer to... noticing a trend here?? I am... But, they are still coming they just had to move their trip back because of an ant issue at their house. The little buggers ate the wood all around their windows, so they had to have them all replaced. So for now my dad is working overtime, and saving back up to come out when it gets a little cooler, and I am hoping that maybe my youngest brother and his wife will come out with my niece when they do. I haven't seen them since last summer, and I miss them. Besides J is my only neice/nephew, and I want to see her grow up as much as I can. J (my middlebrother) is in Iraq right now, but he got accepted to Cheif Warrent Officer school to be a helicopter pilot, and I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried!! He and his new wife got stationed up in WA state, and then when he got there they told him that he had to go back to Iraq for months, but since he got in to school he will be home by the end of the month, God willing. I haven't met my new sister in law, but I hear that she is just an amazing person, and my mom told me that my brother seemed so very happy when they stopped to visit her on the way to WA. I am glad that he has found someone to really love him, compliment him, and make him happy, because he deserves it. She sent me a card with some pics of them and some of the family from the trip out to WA, and then the new house that they bought. He really does look a lot happier with her in the pictures... you know how you can see the happiness on a persons face, well it was there, and I am just giddy for the both of them.
The Me Front: Well my meds have been increased to 60mgs per day because the last time I was in I told him I was still having problems with depression. I think, no I know that a lot of it has to do with the whole DSS thing, BTW I am still fighting them, the infertility, and the whole family dianamics stuff that is going on. Infertility is the biggie for me right now though, and I know that and accept it, although I am really hoping that tomorrow will give me some answers one way or the other, and I can get on with things. I have quite a few friends and family members who are in the process of ending their marriages, either on good terms, or bad, or struggling to keep it together. It makes me so sad to see this happen. I love all of my friends, and hate to see them going through this pain. It really seems so unfair to me that they can't all have perfect relationships, but then I guess there is no such thing. I just hate to see people I thought I knew doing such horrible things to the person that they promised to love forever. I know forever is a fairy tale, but hell I believe in fairy tales!! I look at all that Clark and I have, how far we have come, and the struggles that we have worked through, and I can't imagine not having had all of that wrapped up in one great experience. I love being married to him, and he gives me so much love and laughter that I can't ever imagine a day w/o him in it. He is just amazing to me this man who loves me, and holds me everynight. Kisses me as soon as he comes through the door, and does his best to deal with my moods!! God love him for that because I know I do!! LOL He really is my everything, I couldn't ask for much more, and I am thankful for everyday that I have with him. Ok, I am starting to get a little to mushy I know, but I guess having surgery tomorrow has gotten me thinking. I filled out my Living Will tonight, and I was just thinking about this stuff all day. I am just worried about something happening to one of us, and what the one left would have to do, and it really made me realize just how much I do love him. Through everything, I have always loved him.
Ok, off that subject. Yeah surgery is tomorrow, and I am worried, but I am sure everything will be fine, but I get so freaking trippy when I have to have surgery anymore. I know I am not invincible anymore!! LOL Not that I ever was, but you know the way when you were young you just knew nothing bad was going to ever happen to you?? Well, I think I lost that between now and when I had my Gastric Bypass 5 and 1/2 years ago. We have a son now, and I have so much more to live for that it just seem to have triggered a change in my way of thinking. Lord, there I go again..
Well, we hare supposed to have Kent's sister down to stay with us for the weekend, and both Kent and I are so excited. Her parents have split up, and I know that she just needs this time with him as much as he needs it with her. I don't know just what we are going to do yet, but I am going to try to make it great for both of them, so I hope that I feel better by the time Friday rolls around.
Oh yeah I almost forgot... Kent's dad sent us a letter in June I think. The man has found God, and wants to have contact with his son.... Nevermind the fact that he hasn't even tried to contact him for 3 years, and he had no idea that we had even adopted Kent. I wanted to call him and rip his throat out over the phone. The last time he had contact with Kent he was supposed to take him for the weekend, well henever showed up to get him, and then had his Mother (Kent's G-ma) call me and tell me that dad was mad because I turned him into DSS for drugs. Well of course I did, but that was like 3 months after he came to live with us, and this incident was almost 2 years later. That was the last we heard from either of them. Then all out of the blue this letter shows up... We were so mad at him(dad) that Clark and I had decided that we weren't going to say anything to Kent or call or contact his dad about the letter until both of us could calm down and be civil when we did talk to him. I just don't get how you can blow your child off for years, and then boom you want to walk back into his life like nothing ever happened. Some people I swear!! Don't get me wrong, I know that is his dad, but Clark is his FATHER. We are the ones who holds Kent when he cries, is sick, or needs us. We are the ones who have brought him to being the young man that he is, and I will not let that man ruin my son again. He already did that once, and I refuse to let him do it again. UGH
Well, I am gonna hit the sack, I have to get up early and starve for half of the day before I have surgery... I hate that it is so late in the day. I had to quit my Metformin last night, only to have my blood sugar drop this AM about 11:30, so I am hoping that it doesn't do that tomorrow to, cuz I won't be able to eat to bring it back up. Well, hopefully I will be back soon. Later
Well I didn't realize that I had been gone for so long.... 3 whole months.... So much has happened in the last three months that it would probably take me a month to put it all down, so I guess I will do a Cliff Note to catch this puppy up. The Infertility Front: Well, I went to the RE in May for a followup to finish our referal, and all was ok, except there was some unexplained fluid behind my left ovary. Bloodwork was all good, and as I posted before Clarks's guys were great. So the referal went in, and I got word on June 30 that we were approved for one cycle, the only bad thing was that I had just started my cycle, and it was to late to start meds. The other bad thing was that when I stated bleeding, I had excruciating pain in my left ovary all day on CD1 that it put me in bed for a day and a half. I mean it was horrible, felt like someone had stabbed me with a hot knife. Well two days after I got the letter, I started bleeding again, mid-cycle, but I figured what the hell, so I called them on the 1st of July (CD3) and went in for bloodwork and an U/S. My RE wasn't there, so another one did the U/s, and there plain as day was a huge follie on my right ovary... she told me that it shouldn't be there since I was on CD3, but it should have been CD16, so the follie was right, but the bleeding was off. So she goes to look at the left ovary, and I about fell off the table, it was pain so bad, I almost cried. She went on to look at my lining, and found that it was only a 1 in most places. (Normal lining thickness is a 10 or more) But, then she found some areas at the top of my uterus that had thickness' of 10-15. She called my RE in, and they decided to do a biopsy on the areas.... Cancer is what she told me that she thought it was, that is what it looked like to her. I was stunned and a mess. She told me that it would take 10 days to 2 weeks to get the results back, and to just try not to worry to much... she doesn't know me very well!! Well, by Wenesday of that same week, I was in terrible pain again, and bleeding heavily, so I called and asked if I could come in for them to see what was up. Thursday I went in, and the RE did an U/S. The follie on the right ovary had started to colapse, so she thinks that I did infact "O" either Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, not good with all of the bleeding, and further making her think something was wrong. So she looked at the lining, and the spots that they biopsied were smaller. So, on to the left ovary, and the source of my pain. Nothing was on the ovary, but again the fluid from May was still there. She switched from the transvaginal wand and looked with an abdominal external probe, and there was more there this time then in May. She was very concerned about the fact that I was bleeding so heavily, and having so much pain. She mentioned that I may now have gotten everything worked out with the weight loss and Metformin, so that now an under lying Luteal Phase Defect is showing up... like the PCOS isn't a big enough kick in the ass huh??!! Basically an LPD means that I may infact concieve every month, but that my body gets its signals crossed, and when I should be making progesterone to thicken the lining to further support an embryo, my body does just the opposite and sheds the lining, hence the bleeding on CD16 for the last 2 cycles. So, we decided that we would wait to see what the tests came back as before we would decide what to do. I cannot tell you how long those 2 and a half weeks were. It took them a little longer then normal to get word back, but when they did it was good, no Cancer, but we both agreed it was time to do a Laproscopy, and see what was going on in there. So the 22nd (Tuesday) is my surgery. I am having a Lap, and a hysteroscopy at the same time. I had my pre-op on the 14th, and did all of the registration with the hospital after that. Monday when I went in was CD14, and then right on "schedual" on wenesday CD16, I started bleeding again. The only thing that is pissing me off now is that the ins. co. has decided that the surgery will fall under our IF benifit, so we have to pay 50%. I am going to fight them, but the HBA at the clinic said to wait until after surgery to do it or they could pull the approval. I am not happy about having to pay that much because that will wipe out our IF savings account. ASSHOLES. We have been having trouble with them since we signed with them, but they are the only company that offers IF coverage to government employees in VA. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
The Kent Front: Well, it has been a hard summer with him, we have been butting heads on a regular basis, and he has gotten all of his electronics taken away once again. It would take 10 posts to tell you all the crap he has been pulling, so I am not really going to go into it right now. We did get to go to the Def Leopard/ Journey Concert in July, and it was a blast. I got him tickets for his birthday to Lenard Skynard in October. Clark and I are taking him, and we got front row seats!! He is really looking forward to it! He will be starting school this Friday and is soooo looking forward to going back. This will be his last year of middle school. I can't believe it, it seems like yesterday he was in the 2nd grade and just a little peanut of a thing. This must be how BioMoms feel watching their little ones grow up.....
The Fur Baby Front: Well, since it has been so long since I posted we have had some major changes in the house as far as the animals. First off we lost Bella in May due to what our new vet thinks was Cancer. She was limping a lot, and Clark and I took her to the vet, and he DX'd her with hip dysplasia, so we started her on shots for building up her joint fluid to ease some of her pain... well that weekend was Memorial Day weekend, and we had taken her in that Friday to have her second shot, and Clark asked him about some things that were concerning us... she hadn't been holding her bladder, had been having a hard time with #2 and whining all the time, so Clark asked him if he thought it could be something more serious then just her hips, but he said it was prolly just that she was in pain, and gave her some meds. Well, by Tuesday she was acting really out of it, walking like she was drunk, not eating or drinking, and panting like she was hot. When I took her temp after she had been outside laying in the sun for over 3 hours (it was 95 degrees out and humid as hell), and it was only 98.3 (normal temp for a dog is 101-103). So, I called our vets, but they were out of town, so I called another vet, told him what was going on, and they suggested that I bring her in ASAP. By the time I got her there she wasn't moving on her own at all, and her temp had dropped to 97.6. Bloodwork and x-rays showed that she was bleeding internally, that her lungs were filling up with fluid, and her heart was being crushed. There was nothing that they could do for her, so we had to put her to sleep. I was so angry that we had addressed this issue with our vet 4 days before then, and they basically dismissed us. Clark was devistated to say the least as Bella was a Daddy's Girl. We had her cremated, and she sits on the mantle now with her sister Snickers. Duke, the "puppy" that we got back, ended up getting one of our foster dogs pregnant in April, and shortly after that she bit the guy who came out to install our satalite internet (LOL didn't work though, we are to rural for rural sat. internet... go figure!!) so I had to put her in quarentine, well in order to get her out I had to adopt her. Well, the Thursday after we put Bella to sleep, Kent decided to pick a fist fight with Clark, and Duke got upset and bit Kent on the side of his chest. It wasn't that bad, but it really could have been worse if Duke hadn't gotten the back of Kent's wheelchair when he bit him. So the next day we had to have him put down because as much as we loved him that is something I just can't allow. We got up Saturday, and were doing yardwork when I noticed that my S (my female mini doxie) wasn't looking right, and when she pooped, there was nothing but blood... so, I rush her to the ER vet, and he had Hemoragic Gastro Enteritis, so she had to stay with them for 4 days!! Poor baby was so sick, and of course mommy went up everyday to visit her!!! She is fine now and doing great. Fast forward to my birthday, and after a long night of being in labor H had 8 of the cutest little puppies!! 6 girls and 2 boys!! What a great birthday present for me!!! She had trouble nursing all of them because she was just a little peanut, so at 2 weeks we had to start bottle feeding them. Well last monday the 14th, the last one found her new home. We had to take H back tot he SPCA because the Saturday before she bit the neighbors grandson, that was the 4th time, so Clark said I had to take her back since she couldn't stop biting, and that was something we couldn't have with all the kids that are in and out of the house. We also decided to take F back because no matter what we did we couldn't get her to come around and not be so anitsocial. It was heartbreaking for me, but we worked so hard with both of them and just couldn't get any further, so it was time to let go. We ended up getting another rescue on Wenesday form a lady that Clark works with. She is a rottie girl, and her mommy had neighbors that loved to call animal control on her for no reason. So, last Saturday the cops told her to either find the dog a new home, put her down, or face charges if they were called again. Well, needless to say Clark is known at work as the softie for rotties, so we ended up with her Wenesday night. She is a lover, but is VERY NEEDY, has no manners, and hadn't been to a vet in years. So Thursday was vet day, and he said she looked pretty good for not having the proper care. She has a little bit of an issue with her left hip, a heart murmur, and is overweight, but generally healthy. So, she got shots, and I got told that she needs to lose a few pounds, but we think that since she got little to no exercise at her old house, that just being out here in the country and having other dogs to play with that she should lose it w/o needing to be worked out to much. She seems to be adjusting well, and the other dogs like her, so I hope it will continue to go as smoothly as it has been.
Well, I am gonna stop for the night, the T-3 is kicking in and I am getting tired but, I will finish this saga tomorrow.... man it feels good to do this again!!!
Separation Devistation, Middle of Nowhere, Colorado, United States
I am Erica (Rebel) soon to be ex-wife to Keith. I am mom to an amazing little girl named Lauryn (Turtle), and a sweet son named Cody. Keith and I were married for 20 years. After 14 & 1/2 years of trying our 2nd attmept at IVF/ICSI was succesful, and gave us our Lauryn. After living what I though was the life I wanted all along, my world came crashing down December 29th of 2012. I am now separated from Keith, he has custody of Lauryn, and I am alone and trying to find my way back to myself.