September 20, 2009

Trifecta Saturday

I sat in a really hot tub last night and let my tears fall. I had a very bad day yesterday, and it only seemed to get worse as the day wore on.

Clark and I are hardly speaking, and that hurts me a lot, but I can't accept his answer anymore then I could accept the negative Beta's. I know that he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but really all he is doing is breaking mine. I am starting to get a tad bit resentful of the fact that he gets to be the one to say no when it comes to trying again, even if he isn't thinking about it with his ovaries like I am. He actually asked me as we were standing in the kitchen, being forcefully quiet so as not to alert the younger ears in the house about the ensuing argument, why I hated him for making the choice for me. I got instantly and insanely angry with him for thinking the whole thing even had anything to do with him. I stood in front of him and punched myself in the abdomen several times, crying and telling him it wasn't him that I hated it was these organs inside of me that couldn't be bothered to do what they were put there to do that I hated. I don't think that helped my cause any with him, but it is the truth. I would give anything to be able to just ovulate, have sex, and get pregnant like the Majority of this planet, but since that isn't in my cards, I will just continue to beat myself up... emotionally... most of the time.

Because of the tension in the house, I had decided to take Turtle to the park with a friend. She is my best friend in most ways, but it has seemed to me that over the last few months that our relationship has been fading. She always seems to be angry with me about something, real or imagined. Her and her husband have started making a lot of snotty comments about the way Clark and I spend our money... suggesting that we think we are better then they are. I in no way shape or form think that, I just cannot help it that we have made sound financial investments, such as a savings account, instead of buying cars that we don't really need or can afford. Examples of things she has said...

1. That the only reason I didn't want to drive to Bingo every Sunday night is because I didn't want to put the miles on my 1200.00 dollar tires. Are you kidding me?? I drive a Mazda 5 and they come with low profile tires, it was the one thing we didn't like about the car, but hey it is just one thing so we decided to roll with it. Now I am sorry if Clark REFUSES to put cheap ass tires on the car that will carry is daughter and wife around.... ain't happening. So it just happened that the total for ordering, mounting, balancing, and all that jazz was $1200.00. Sorry if I have that in the bank.

2. That Clark and I don't rent from Blockbuster because it is the poor peoples video store. Actually I have hated Blockbuster for years. They charged me late fees for movies I had returned, rented me messed up movies, and were just generally IMO not worth the freaking pain in the ass that they were. Besides if I want to see a movie that damn bad I will pay-per-view it for less then I can rent it.

3. That Clark and I are trying to make them look bad because the play set that we are buying the Turtle is $3500.00, and theirs was only $1100.00 (on sale) Again we go back to the savings thing, we have saved for this play set, and aren't even purchasing it until the spring hoping the price will go down. Let me tell you that any park that we go to out here is at least a 20 MINUTE FREAKING DRIVE from our house!!!! So I am sorry that you feel I am trying to out do you when all I am trying to do is make sure that my daughter has a play set that will keep her entertained for more then 5 flipping minutes, deleting my need for driving all over hell and back so she can play on a damn slide.

4. This one cut me to the heart, and really in my mind has pretty much ended my ability to trust her. She made the comment that I sucked as a mother. Her reason for saying that was simply because I wouldn't let the Turtle have a CapriSun. I was stunned beyond belief when she said it because I had not realized until that very moment that the quality of my mothering, hinged on my letting my child drink from a juice box. We only give Turtle JuicyJuice, or water, and those are served in a sippy cup. So, basically after all the years of trying for her and finally getting the Turtle, I am letting her down because I will not allow her to have butt loads of sugar, from a foil pouch. If only I had known that the success or failure of my mothering skills would hinge on that one little act, I would have done it differently from the get go. Of course I mean all of that last sentence sarcastically, but she was serious when she said it, not a hint of a smile or anything. I am hurt that she seems to think that I am a bad mom because of this one little thing, however I have a feeling that she has had that opinion for awhile and just has decided to speak it out loud now.

So, back to yesterday... we were involved in another problem at a park when an older girl was pushing her son down. She threw a tantrum, snatched her kids and took off, after being there for all of 15 minutes and hardly saying a word to me. As I sat there stunned, and not know what to say to the other people sitting with me, she called my cell to tell me she was not going to let some hoodlum kid beat her kids up while I apparently didn't even seem to care or notice that she was pushing my daughter down, because I was to busy running my mouth talking to another mother to be bothered to pay attention. I was stunned because I had been watching Turtle the WHOLE time and the girl never even touched her once. Trust me when I tell you that if she had, I would have known because the Turtle is so funny right now that if you even bump up against someone while carrying her, she will loose her shit. She hates to be touched by strangers. She then told me that she was going to another park, and IF I choose to I could join her there. HUH?? I seriously don't get what is going on, and I am getting pretty hard pressed to continue this relationship.

After she left I called my mom to vent to her, only my brother answered the phone. He told me that my mother was out grocery shopping, but would be back soon. Then he dropped the bomb...

"So, are you ready to be an aunt again?"

I instantly started crying, and he said to me "Well, damn don't be so happy for us." I kept crying and told him that I was happy for them, but that I had already had a very crappy day. I got off the phone and tried to dry my tears, but I just couldn't do it. I love my brother and my SIL, I really do, but they live with my parents, have a hard time holding jobs, and already have one totally out of control 5 year old daughter, so yeah I am a little hard pressed to be over the moon happy for them. He actually had the audacity to tell me he didn't know how it had happened since he can't remember having sex anytime in the last few weeks. Great. So, I am doubly upset because I am sure that she is about how many weeks I would have been had our FET worked.

When I got home, Clark instantly knew something was wrong, and he literally choked when I told him about my brother. The only thing he could do was tell me he was sorry and hug me.

So all in all, things for me just keep managing to get shittier by the day, and I am honestly beginning to wonder if the Universe is punishing me for something. Just when I think I have a grasp on things, the other shoe drops, and not softly, but like a damn a-bomb.

I know you all probably think I am a freaking lunatic, and honestly right now I am beginning to wonder myself. I cannot thank all of you who have commented enough though, no matter what you say, because it lets me know that I am not really alone in all of this, and that I do have "friends" out there who love me. The support that I get from my Internets helps me make it through the day with a smile on my face, and some peace in my heart. Hugs to all of you out there, and may this week be a good one for all of us!!

September 17, 2009

A phone call can change everything......

My cell phone rang today with news that broke my heart in so many ways.

The couple that we had chosen to adopt our embryo's found out that due to medical complications she will not be able to pursue pregnancy. My heart broke into a million pieces for her. I cried for her loss. I hurt so deeply for her, even though she assures me she will be fine.

Then something happened on the rest of my ride home.. that Bitch, Hope snuck in my heart, and I started thinking about things that I had worked through. I was really so ready for her to give those embies a chance that I hadn't thought about the possibility of it not happening. Deep in me a thought occurred..... We can try again. Of course I knew within the same second that I had the thought that it was not going to happen, because I knew that Clark would never go for it.

I guess that it was written all over my face because he hadn't been in the door 10 minutes before he was asking me what was wrong. I told him I didn't want to talk just then. As the night wore on, and Turtle was her normal self, I shed a lot of tears as I knew what I was going to ask of him, and what his answer would be in return, and watching her just made my hurt worse.

After Turtle kissed me goodnight and Clark put her in bed, the tears fell down my cheeks freely. Clark sat next to me and said "Lets talk about this." I cried harder and told him I didn't want to because I already knew what he was going to say, and I couldn't handle hearing it. After about five minutes I told him that I wanted to try again with the frozen embryo's, and just as I thought he said no. He told me... "This is not good for us. It isn't good for you, or our family, and I will not do it again." I knew that he was going to say that, but it didn't make the pain in my heart any less.

I didn't know a wound could reopen up and hurt so deeply. I can honestly say that for months I hadn't thought of those embies as mine. They belonged to her and her husband. They were our DNA, but they were going to have another set of parents who were going to give them the chance at a life my body seems incapable of. Yet, with that one call, they came back to me, and I was momentarily overwhelmed with love that I didn't know I still had for them. It surprised even me that I was so willing to jump back into the hell that I had so vehemently sworn off just a few short weeks ago.

I guess that is what Infertility gave me.... the hope that I hold in my heart, but a reality that never will be.

September 13, 2009

Answer to Anon/N

I will admit that when I first read this comment I was angry, but a little time spent mulling it over prompted me to answer your questions in a polite way so that I will hopefully help you understand the posts I have been writing about my grief.

Your first question/comment:

But you have a little daughter, right? That's so fantastic and so many ladies are wishing for that.

Yes, I have a daughter. After 14 1/2 years of putting myself through hell, I did get the Golden Ticket, and I have lived every day knowing just how lucky I am. However, you need to understand that along with that ticket came an enormous amount of guilt. I have guilt every day that I have gotten the opportunity to carry, bear, and bring home a child, when there are so many out there who have not, or will not ever get to experience it. I cry for my friends almost daily when they struggle so hard to get what I have, and sometimes fall short. You can never understand this hurt unless you yourself have been there... look around at the parenting after Infertility bogs... you will see it all over I promise you.

It would be best to focus on what you have rather than what you do not have.

Please do not assume for one minute that I do not focus daily on my daughter and everything that goes into raising her and being her mother. I do however have a deep longing to have another child that I can mother the same way. My longing and wanting grows deeper everyday when I see all of the amazingness that is the Turtle. I am not sure what your struggle with Infertility is, but I can tell you that most women are not satisfied with just one child once they have experienced the joys of mothering. I swore that if the Universe gave me just one that I wouldn't ask again, but as soon as I had the Turtle and looked into those amazing blue eyes of hers, I wanted it all over again. My pain is more now then it was before the Turtle, because frankly I didn't know what I was missing. I used to get pissy when women who had children already talked about the suffering that they went through trying to have more. I get it now. I REALLY get it.

The situation with your 17 year old sounds very difficult indeed. I'm sorry you are going through that. Can you get any help from your community (i.e. any support groups like Teen Community Center? in your area)?All the best to you, N.

I want you to know that I have done EVERYTHING short of having my son committed and/or disrupting our adoption to help him. To answer your question yes, I have tried to find support groups and the like, but we live in a very rural area where there aren't many teens like him, not to mention support groups period. I haven't come close to posting all of the hell that we have been through with him for the simple fact that it would take me hours, and I don't really feel the need to put every little bit of my business with him out there, just know that my struggle is more then you will ever know.

I honestly hope that this explains some things to you, but I really think that you need to go back and read more of my blog, just the last few posts isn't likely to help you understand my struggles.

September 1, 2009


I thought I might actually be on the mend. Accepting things were going to be what they were, and beginning to move on.

Then I stepped in the doors of BabiesRUs, and that mending was replaced with the grief and anger I thought I had come close to tucking away.

The Bellies.

The newborns.

Even with the Turtle in the cart it was just all to much for me, and I had to literally grab what I needed and get out in less then 5 minutes (a personal best I might add).

I am trying so hard to put this away, but every time I sign in to my message boards, they are there to. The pregnancy announcements. The belly pics. I cry at them all.

I get a little mad at myself, because some of the good news comes from fellow IVFers who more then deserve to be getting great news. It still gets me though. Why them and not me?? I get a huge pang of jealousy when I read of a BFP. I cry about them actually, more then I really wanted to admit.

The stores are loaded with Bellies right now to, and I swear the other day at WallyWorld, there was a personal attack against me... I mean I literally counted 48 pregnant woman with obvious bellies..... it made my heart race, my eyes well up, and my stomach hurt every damn time one of them walked towards me.

I am trying so hard to accept my fate and yet it seems the harder I try the more I fail. I have considered not leaving the house, but at this point in life it isn't feasible for me to hide out here.

On the home front things are getting more difficult with Kent.

I had to take him to the Psychologist yesterday. Friday AM after a fight the night before I told him that he either started seeing someone and get medicated or he had to get out of the house. I think that he is so filled with self hate right now that he is literally trying to kill himself by neglecting his body. I can't do it anymore, and I spent the whole week trying to find somewhere where he can get the help that I can't obviously provide for him. Bawling on the phone to more then one person about how I need him to get help. There was nothing anyone could do I was told over and over.

The doc put him on meds, and we will see how he titers up. Frankly I am not sure that this is going to work, because as we all know you have to want to help yourself, meds or not, and I don't think he truly does.

To say that I am stressed out would be like saying that the a-bomb was a 22 bullet. My blood pressure is very high, my stomach hurts all day long, and I can hardly sleep anymore. I really wonder which I will be planning his graduation or his funeral. So, we are on our own with this 17 year old boy who is hell bent on destroying the rest of his body and no one else gives a shit. Thanks DSS.

I miss blogging, but I just don't find the joy in it that I used to. I am thinking of taking a long break, or possibly starting a new blog... not really sure yet what I need to do.

Right now, I just keep thinking about Yesterdays.