December 7, 2006

Which end is Up???

Well, as you can see I have left you hanging again... I honestly sit down at my computer 10 times a day to write a post, and then never get it done. I have become a Blog Whore. I would rather sit for hours and read other Blogs then attend to mine... I guess I am just tired or typing the same old bitter bullshit everytime I sit here, not to mention the depression that is so much a friend to me that I am begining to think I might have to stop feeding it or beat the hell out of it to get it to leave!! It really has become a palpable presence in the house, and I think even the dogs feel it. It really hit me yesterday when my third Christmas card of the season arrived.... with the smallest sentance at the bottom....... Congratulations on Kent joining your family. Maybe your family is larger by now?? Yeah, and I tried desperatly to catch that monkey that flew out of my ass last week to... but that little shit was just to fast!!!!! Hmmm do I sense a tad of bitterness??? Gee ya think?? I have tried very hard to be nice about babies, and all things baby, but there are times when my heart aches and longs so much and so hard that I cannot hide the jealousy. It hurts to much to keep it inside.

Someone I know is becoming a mother this week, and I am angry about it... She is a great mother from what little bits I have seen. We used to be very close, but you know how that goes, sadly babies have a way of putting distance between ones who have them, and ones who don't.

I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet right now, but my heart hurts so hard. I can't climb out of this freaking hole that has in the last few months become my life, and it is really starting to get to Clark and I both. Sleep is all I want to do, and I even tried getting out of the house, but was terribly desperate to get home to my comfort zone so as to know that I was in control of my space again.

My doctors visit last week Wendsday went great, my labs were perfect, I got a flu shot, and an order for a kidney U/S, and out the door. Went and did a little shopping and home. Thursday I wasn't feeling to well all day, and by the time Clark got home I had been intermittantly been dry heaving for about 2 hours. It got worse from there, and I would just stop and heave at a seconds notice. Needless to say that is not a good thing to be doing all over the house. So Clark told Kent to get ready for bed early so that I could help him, and then I was sent off to bed for the night. I was trying to plan a supprise trip for Friday to the other side of the state, and when I woke up at 10:30 AM, I felt grand!! Ahh, but then I ate, and the food decided that it was not happy where it was... temp was 105, and 102 hmmm I didn't feel that hot!! So I call the PCP's office, and she reminds me about the flu shot I got.. DUH. Not to mention I should really have looked for the good thermometer... 99.2... Imodium, pepto, and some Tums, and by 1:30 I was out of the house, and on my way to visit a very dear friend. 6 hours later, and I pull up in her driveway planning to suprise her, only to find she isn't home!!! Ahhh at least her husband is there with the little ones so that I didn't have to sit in my car for hours. She was suprised, and we sat up late talking and having a ball. She is one of my best friends, and it was like we hadn't been apart!! Not to mention that she has 2 of the cutest little girls on the of which I was seeing for the first time!! We shopped and had so much fun on Saturday that Sunday morning came way to fast. I left there and drove back home in record time, got take out for the guys before I got here, and went ever so greatfully to my own king sized, pillow topped bed... I love ya girl, but that BED was HORRIBLE!!! :o) I guess that is what I get for showing up unannounced!!!

Monday was Kent's Oncology appointment. We are still NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!!!! I was irritated though because 3 of the docs weren't there. I really needed to speak to the rehab doc, and now that I am paying for the visits, I would like them to show the hell up!!! Good lord I mean what is the freaking point of the "team" approach if half of the team isn't there???? Oh well rant over. Kent is now on meds for his headaches, although I am not sure how I feel about it because they are also antidepressants... so iffy for me to want him on them, but I will see how it goes.... Other then that things were great. He wasn't feeling well when we got home, and actually went to bed at like 4 pm. Poor baby. He was ok the next morning though, and went back to school.

Clark and I were both sick on Tuesday, he came home from work, and I was pretty much in and out of bed most of the day... you would think that I would be used to the pill by now, but it is still screwing with me, either that or I had a touch of something, again!!

I have my U/S appointment on Friday, but I am sooo not looking forward to it... I have to drink no less then 32oz's of water one hour before the scan, and then you are NOT ALLOWED TO PEE until the U/S is done... are they kidding me??? I just had surgery on my bladder and haven't pee'd right since!! GREAT!!! LOL that joke is on me!!!

Thinking about calling the IVF nurse to see where I stand, but I am not sure yet... I will let you know.... and with that I am off to bed!!!!

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