December 17, 2006

Have you ever???

Felt like an ass because someone had something you wanted, and it made you so jealous that you were shocked with yourself?? Well I have been like that because an old friend of mine has just adopted for the second time, and with such amazing ease that I could just scream. Not that she doesn't deserve to be happy, but just because it seems to be so flawless for her. She told me once before the cries of the first little cutie pulled us apart, that she never planned on doing the adoption thing again, that being a mother wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and that she just couldn't see doing it ever again. So then you explain to me why it is that just short months after arriving in a country that doesn't generally allow adoption to foreigners that she is the proud mother of a newborn baby?? When I got that email it stopped me cold before I opened it. It had been almost 6 months since we had last exchanged 4 sentence emails in which I found out that she was off into the world again, and it was a group email at that to which I responded. So here I sit mad at her, and mad at myself for being mad. How crappy is that??

It kills me because I am a good person, I do everything that I can for others, yet I cannot get my hands on the prize. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE Kent with all that I have, and all that I am, but I long so much to be able to hold a baby in my arms, full of the future with all of us in it. I long to shape that little life into something great, and up until this point, I have been denied that by everyone, including my very own body. So that is where I stand. I love my friend dearly, I miss her, and all of the late night talks we had, but she has acquired for the second time the quintessential thing that will inevitably split two friends who share infertility. A newborn baby.

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