September 30, 2008

Nothing more to say......

This, and the big red Witch beat the hell out of Hope and tossed her in the front yard this morning.

I already called the clinic.

September 28, 2008

Dark Place

I am really feeling the failure of this cycle, and right now things are hurting my heart so badly.

I took a long shower today and cried the whole time.

I am pretty sure that this cycle didn't work, and I am not really in a place where I think I even want to talk about it because there are not to many places left to go after this.

We have 4 frozen embies who didn't look that good on paper before they froze them. I don't have any faith in them thawing and then growing enough to transfer, infact I wish I had never frozen them because it gave me false hope.

Turtle is almost crawling, and while I should be happy about it, I'm not. I want her to stay little forever........

September 25, 2008



1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post by linking to their blog
5. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up

Kristen tagged me for this one, so I will send you her way if you read something you would rather have not known!!!

1. I have been married 3 times. This last one being the longest, and the other 2 times being annulled. What was I thinking?? I was young, stupid, and in love... OK the second time I was running from mommy and daddy's house, because I still don't know WTF I was thinking there!!! I was actually with Clark for 98% of the almost 2 years my second marriage took to get rid of.

2. I was a guest on the Ricki Lake Show. My mom dared me to call.
Nuff said.

3. I have a dog that I cannot stand. Our personalities clash in a major way, and she irritates the hell out of me all the time. I didn't want her, but Clark rescued her, and he loves her, so I put up with her. Her one saving grace is that the Turtle LOVES her, and vise versa.

4. I will not purchase any kind of toilet paper then Charmin Ultra Soft in the Mega Roll... did you know that stuff is like 15 freaking bucks now??? I may have to start taking the plys apart and putting them on separate rolls!! But really, this is one thing I NEVER compromise on, I have to have a TP that I trust when wiping my bits and pieces, and this one is the best!!!

5. I will let spiders live in my house if they prove they are useful by catching other bugs. Ok, we live in the freaking country/swamp for crying out loud, if you can't kill them all then join them!! Besides they help keep the squitoes down in the summer!!!

6. I sleep with my feet sticking out of the blankets. Clark and I have a king size bed, and separate blankets, he is a freaking heater people, and I have this huge comforter that I curl up in every night, but my feet have to be sticking out the end, with the fan blowing on them....... When I was a wee little girl, my grandmother told me a story about why she slept with her feet out... did you know that there are little villages of people who live under your toenails, and when your feet get hot at night, it means they can't breathe?? Well as you can see I was very affected by the fact that if I slept with my feet under anything I would be responsible for the death of Lord knows how many of those poor little people...... You should have seen the look on the face of the podiatrist who was getting rid of my ingrown toenails when I told him that one!!!

So now I tag.....


Aunt Becky




and last, but oh so not the least....


Have fun ladies, now that you know what a freak I am!! LOL

New Picture Blog is open....

Apparently Blogger doesn't do PWP, but they will let you have a private blog that is invite only..... So comment with your email addy... (I won't let anyone else see them I promise) and I will send you an invite right out!!

Crappy weather, Nor'easter style & Hope is a Bitch

I realize that I run and hide when the shit hits the fan, and since it hit here last week I haven't felt much like blogging, or even breathing. Hope is a bitch, and I keep trying to lock her ass out of the house but she keeps finding her way back in...

I think Clark is leaving the back door unlocked at night.


The trigger is out of my system, and I really can't even begin to tell you how much anxiety those freaking EPT tests under the sink are causing me right now. I feel the urge to pee on them, but I know it is to soon, Cream and Wheat are only 9 days old, and just snuggling in at best, if they even bothered, but I HAVE to know. I feel like this is the most important thing I have waited for all my life.

Even with Turtle the wait wasn't this bad. I was so naive even then.

Cream and Wheat are the make it or break it, and I can't wait to see if they Made it. I have to know if they made it.....UGH it is freaking killing me, and the crappy ass weather isn't helping my mood any.... Rainy, cold, windy.... kind of like my mood. Crappy!!

I am working on a Tag that I should have up later today, but I need to get the roast started while the turtle is still napping....

Question: I would LOVE to be able to share our pictures with my Bloggy Buddies, so would any of you be interested if I made a "sister" blog that was PWP so that I could still share, but monitor who went there?? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think......

September 21, 2008

It probably was funny.....

I learned Wednesday that there are two drugs that should never be combined in my body. They would be Demor*l, and Phenerg*n.

The nightmare I referred to in my previous post started on Tuesday afternoon. My ER went well, very well in fact. I woke up quickly, and was told we got 26 eggs. I stayed until I could walk, and then Clark and I headed home. About an hour in to our drive I got several very painful cramps, that made me pause. The pain seemed to get worse and spread, so I thought that the pain meds were just wearing off. When we got home I took some of the T-3 that the RE had given me, and tried to rest. No dice. The afternoon wore on, and I was in increasing pain.

I tried to lay down that night for bed only to find that I would get this terrible pain in each of my shoulders when I tried to lay on them. I ended up sleeping on the couch, and exhausted my supply of pain meds with no relief by 8 AM Wednesday. I called the clinic, and was told to come back in, they suspected that I had some blood in my pelvic cavity.

Just as we were getting ready to leave IVFNurse called with our Fert. report. I was stunned.

26 Retrieved

11 mature

5 fertilized and were perfect

6 fertilized and were going very slow

I told her that we were in fact on our way back up there because I was not doing well.

We got to the clinic, and I saw Dr. OvaryWhisperer. I accused the nurse and the other docs of dropping me, and they chuckled, so did I, I knew they hadn't really dropped me, but it hurt like they had. She explained that she was going to do an U/S to see if what she thought was going on was. U/S showed bloody fluid behind my Ute, confirming what she deemed the issue. I had had so many follies punctured that some blood had escaped and irritated my peritoneal cavity causing all the pain I was in. There was no immediate health risk, and they would only go ahead with transfer if I felt better. She said that they were going to give me some different pain meds so that I could get some relief. I got the script, Demor*l, and another for Phenerg*n, just in case I got to sick to my tummy from the Demor*l.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer also told me that the lab had matured and ICSI'd 3 more eggs that morning.

We went home, and I began my decent into hell. I took the first dose of Demor*l as told, and it did in fact make me pretty nauseous almost instantly, so I went ahead and took one of the Phenerg*n... Ha, that is all I frankly remember. Honestly.

I have flashes from that day, and frankly nothing makes a lot of sense. Clark was very upset thinking I had taken more then I should have of the meds, but upon counting them found that I had take just the regular dose.

Clark ended up leaving me and the Turtle in the care of Turtle's sitter the next day so that he could go to work. I can tell you I only remember bits and pieces of that day to as I slept most of the time. By that evening I was feeling a lot better, and coherent though, so I told Clark that I did want to go on with the transfer in the AM, because I was worried that if we didn't do it then there would be nothing to transfer...

I was so right...

Our transfer was Friday, and as you saw from my last post, things on that morning were OK until Dr. OvaryWhisperer came in. I had been adamant about transferring 3, and wasn't sure what we even had to work with at this stage. We had:

1- 7 cell grade 1 (really good)
2-5 cell grade 2 (so so )
1-2 cell grade 4 (not good)
2-5 cell grade 2's that had been ICSI'd on Wednesday
1-2 cell grade 2 that had been ICSI'd on Wednesday

Not really impressive to say the least. I asked her about transferring the top 3 and she said she really felt that 2 was all she wanted to do, so I caved, and we decided on the one 7cell, one of the 5cells, discard the 2cellgrade4 and freeze the rest that day. I went into transfer feeling defeated all the way around... from the issues with stimming to the pain med problem, and now with the quality of the embies I was putting back, and freezing.

I was not in a good place.

Until I saw those two perfect little 8 cell embies on that screen.

Yeah one of the 5 cell babies had gone all divisional on us in the few hours since it had last been looked at, and the seven had upped itself one to.

So, I got a little of my Hope back... just a little.

Transfer went smoothly, after an hour, and a sit a top the bedpan..... which I can tell you was to funny for words (do you know hard it is to pee in a pan when there are 10 other people in the freaking room, and they ALL know you are on the bedpan???? Next to impossible I tell ya!!!) I was on my way home, and that is where I have been for the last 48 hours perched on my couch.

I am bloated, and I am still in pain, but you couldn't pay me to take another of those Demon pills... I seriously cannot wrap my head around why someone could get addicted to those things... I like to think and remember my days, not have other people tell me about the dumb shit I did.

So now we wait. October 2nd is the day for Beta, but I will know if I can punch Hope in the face long before then.

I have a post all worked up about how Clark is a legend in his own time at the clinic to... what a mess I tell ya!!!

September 19, 2008

Cream & Wheat

Ok, the last few days have a nightmare, I will explain later in a lot of detail, but I am only allowed to be up for a few minutes. We just got home. I wanted you all to meet Cream & Wheat. Our perfect 8 cell, 3 day old embies, and the newest additions(hopefully) to the Infertile house. Snuggle in girls!!!

September 16, 2008


26 eggs.

128 Million Boys.

Hopefully we will get at least one Embie.

I am in a lot of pain.

Fert. report tomorrow.


September 15, 2008

Follies, Follies Everywhere

So, these were my ovaries this AM....... SWEET huh??? Yeah that is both of them. They were kissing. Regardless of all the competition between them, they really do love each other!! :o)

That picture doesn't even show the real magnatude of how many follies there really are, 20+ on each side they figured, that was just the best picture of the bunch that I had to show ya!!!

Can you even imagine?? I have a hard time believing it myself!!

Thank Heavens they will drain every one of those little buggers in the morning!!!

I am so freaking sore and bloated I cannot wait to have ER tomorrow.

Turtle must know something is up because she find that lower part of my abdomen a lot easier then she used to!! Turkey!!

Well, I am gonna run, I need to make sure everything is ready for dinner as we will be going to bed VERY early tonight..... we have to drop the Turtle off at the sitters at 5 AM.... what an unGodly freaking hour!!!

I need to tend to some Landscaping tonight before everyone and their brother see's my girlie bits to!!!

Good Luck with your Transfer tomorrow Mandy!!!!

September 14, 2008

200th post and my Tag

First of all, I had no clue until I signed in this AM that this was my 200th post..... geez, I really have a lot of crap to say huh??!!

First things first: The Clinic Trip

It was supposed to be simple... Ha.

I got there, no clinic today, but they were doing ER's and transfers, so they were busy. I waited for just a few minutes, got my blood drawn and said "See Ya". Went to empty the old bladder before that long ass drive home, walk out of the bathroom, and there stands one of the docs. 'Bout scared the living hell out of me since I should have been the ONLY person down there!!! He asks me if I am ready... I honestly thought he was going to open the door for me to let me out....

Nope.... I got the honor of having yet another Wanding...

you know I totally didn't shower this morning right?? @@

You knew that was coming right??

Yeah I didn't, or I woulda washed my ass. :o)

So, my ovaries were on an episode of Trading Space$ and forgot to tell me. It seems the left one is now on the right side, and the right on the left... don't ask, I didn't.

Follies as large as 25mm on down, and to many to count on each one, so I AM an Ova-Achiever... Dr. OvaryWhisperer said I should put that on a t-shirt and wear it.... I just might have to do that!!!

They called about noon with my E2, it had to be under 8,000.... it was 5,025, so we are a go for ER and transfer. I have to trigger tonight at 9 PM, go to clinic tomorrow at 8 AM, and then be back at clinic at 6:30 on Tuesday for ER.

There is an end in sight my friends!!!! Good thing to, because I was considering causing some very serious bodily damage to Clark and his smart ass mouth today!!!

Second: since this is my 200th post, I decided to do the Tag that Tracey sent me to kinda put it out there...
I am not gonna tag anyone else, but if you want to do it then you can.

Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.

1. Blogging has given me an outlet for my frustrations about IF mostly, but life in general. I can come here, and make things funny when they might not have seemed it at the time.

2. I don't have very many infertiles in my real life to commiserate with, so this makes up for it. I have only met one fellow blogger at this point, but would love to meet more.

3. I love to write, and this is one of the ways that I can do it and get feedback... ok, comments, but still.

4. My blog has opened up the world of IF to me. I have so many blogs that I read and I feel as though I know all of these people. On that same note, I have people who read me that I feel as though I can call "Friends", and we all know and infertile can use all the friends she can get her grubby little paws on!!

5. It has given me a chance to be me without the worry of being judged for how I feel... not that I care if people don't agree with me, but well you know how life is, and how the people around you can be about dumb stuff, so start tossing the hard crap at them and watch them get all shitty!!! I like to just put it all out there without having to worry about being ME, you know the person I really am deep down!!!

6. Ok, it was only supposed to be 5, but I wanted to add this one... I get to have a COOL name!!! I have always been a little bit of a Rebel, so I just went with it when I started this blog. LOL!!! I love being a Rebel!!!

I really don't have any negatives. Sure I get shitty comments every so often, but not to many at all, and since the good far outweighs the bad, I will be keeping on keepin' on!!!

Let you all know how things go in the morning.

September 13, 2008

Firmly Holding the Baton

So, there I was running what should have been the last leg of the race, and the baton got fumbled.....

I managed to pull it out, and I can see the finish line from here. (Damn I am to freaking funny, I saw that when I was proofing, and had to leave it in!! LOL)

My E2 levels keep rising very fast, but not as fast as they would if I was going to be in big trouble.

The Wanding showed follies EVERYWHERE!!!! I had a few 20's, and 19's which is really good. A lot of them were 17mm and above, which is almost there. Dr. B (who I shall now refer to as Dr. OvaryWhisperer) is wanting to hold off on retrieval until Tuesday. She lowered my dose again this afternoon, to 25 units. They want me to come in for blood work in the AM tomorrow, and then Monday morning to. So counting the retrieval Tuesday, that will make for 6 days in a row that I will have to go to clinic... GAH!!! I love these people, but I am not really fond of having to get up so damn early and face that freaking traffic everyday...... I have to keep thinking "End of the Rainbow"

Dr. OvaryWhisperer took a ton of photo's of my ovaries this morning to show Dr. KnockedMeUpLastTime because he told her there was NO WAY that she could lower my dose that much and still get good follie growth!! I told you all I loved her!!! She is really in tune with what her patients needs are, and I couldn't ask for a better doctor to have in my corner.

I think I now have Turtle's cold, and I am not happy about it. On top of all of the abdominal discomfort, now I can hardly breathe, and I can't take anything for it at all. Damn.

I am feeling a little better mentally since I know there is an end in sight. I am still not sure if we will have a transfer, but getting the eggs out is the first step to that.

Clark and I were joking last night and he told me to tell Dr. OvaryWhisperer that he knows how to cure male infertility.......

Wait for it.....

They need to invent a testicle cooling unit.... to keep the boys cool and moving.

He said to me that I am always saying that I have never met an infertile crackhead, and he has never met and infertile RedNeck......

His reasoning is that it is because most of them sit around with cold bottle of beer between their legs all day long.

I swear I don't know how he comes up with this crap.... but he does kinda have a point!!!

Well, that is all for this afternoon, I am beat, sick, and still freaking tired after the nap Clark let me take!! I will get to my Tag tomorrow, and let you know how the blood work goes.

September 12, 2008

Trying to be an Ova-achiever....

OK, I have to make this short and sweet.

I got up, got ready, got the Turtle ready, drove to Clark's job, dropped the girl off, went to the clinic.

Wanding today showed a few follies @ 15mm on each side and MANY more under that. Prolly 20+ on each side.

Can you say it with me class....


Even the student doctor was impressed.

After the Wanding I spoke to Dr. B about transferring 3 embies, and she looked at me and asked me if I was Insane.

When I asked her why she said that, she replied with.....

"The last thing you need is to be hyperstimmulated and pregnant with Triplets."

I literally laughed out loud, and told her that I was glad that someone in the room was bringing optimism to the table. I am happy that she has some faith in this train wreck of a body I am forced to live in. Ha.

I asked her what my E2 level was, and if that was the reason they had asked me to come back today, and she said it went from just above 500 to 1700 overnight. Gah... ok, so she really is trying to keep me out of OHSS Hell.

She lowered me to 50 units.

We are coasting to let the eggs mature, so now I have no idea what day I will have my retrieval or transfer. Dr. B said if worse comes to worse we will freeze the embies. Again, I am glad someone has the faith in my body that I lack.

I get to back and visit her tomorrow AGAIN.

At 8 AM.

I hate the waiting.

Thanks for all of the comments wishing me well, and praying for a good out come, right now they keep me going. I have really struggled with this cycle, and my thought is that I cannot do this again, so this cycle has to work. I am spending a lot of time just holding the Turtle, and trying so hard to just be her Mom right now, that is why I have been kind of distant. She is my anchor right now.

On a side note, I want to wish the woman who was ahead of me in the U/S room a very big congrats!!! I hope that you have a very happy and healthy 9 months!!

P.S. Tracey tagged me, and I will try to get to it this weekend I promise!!!

September 11, 2008

Batton pass early??

Some men are just more trouble then they are worth at times. Clark stayed home to keep the girl and go into work with her late, since the sitters baby is still sick. He was having a hard time getting with the program. I ended up getting her up, and feeding her. I get in the shower, get out, and am standing in the bathroom when I hear... "Oh Shit", followed by the Turtle crying. I run out in to the living room to find Clark, Turtle, and the arm of the couch covered in coffee. I just looked at him and said..."You're kidding me right??" Good thing Clark is a wuss and can't drink really hot coffee, or that could have been really UGLY!!

I bathed Turtle, got her dressed, and finally made it out the door.

Traffic was horrible. I left my house at 7 and got to the clinic at 8:45. Long freaking drive I tell ya.... good thing I didn't drink to much coffee before I left the house!!

The Wand, yeah it wasn't so nice today. I am bloated, and getting really tender in the girlie bits. Looked like things were moving along though.

Called the clinic to get my directions for the night, and something must be up because I was told to lower my dose to 100 units, and come back in tomorrow morning. Uh huh?? I shouldn't have to come back until Saturday. I am really hoping that this isn't a bad sign. I have a feeling that my E2 shot up, and now they are gonna want to 1) Cancel me 2) Coast me, or 3) retrieve the eggs, fertilize them, and freeze the embies. The only one I can see at this point making me happy is the Coast.

I want this cycle to be over with.

I need this cycle to be over.

I cannot do this anymore.

I am done.

She is enough.

September 9, 2008

I knew that Call was coming!!!

I have to do this fast as my sweet, loving, cute, adorable daughter just went to sleep for the first time since 5AM, and I almost started crying with relief.

Turtle is sick.

I hate germs.

The sitters kids are sick to, I got that call at about 8 last night..... Shit. I really hate snot, esp. when it is in the nose of that cute little girl!!

Needless to say we had a long night last night.

She got little sleep, and Mommy got even less.

Add that to the long day I had yesterday, and Clark waited til he got to work to call and wish me luck with her today.... he full well knew I would have punched him right in the face!!

Yesterday..... off to the RE early.


Dropped the Turtle off, and she started to do that lip thing from behind her paci, so mommy bailed and ran for the car.

Jerks in traffic are the reason for my blood preassure issues, I have decided. I need a sticker for my car that tells everything with a Penis who is driving and can read it that if I could catch you, you jackass, you wouldn't have that Penis anymore.

So, got blood drawn, and Wanded... Had an audience for this, as a few visiting docs wanted to see the "Worst PCOS ovaries the clinic has ever had" on four days of stims. Nice, I agreed as long as we had no more then 50 or so, cuz that many people in a room causes me to panic.

Both ovaries were sporting follies, about 15-20 total each side!! You go girls!! Not. The sizes were small, 5-6-7's mostly, so a lot of little ones, but nothing taking the lead.

I asked about the 200 units. I was told that my assumption of the FSH, Weight and Age were right on.

Got my script for T-3 after ER, and out the door I went.

Called the clinic at 4PM was told 200 units next 3 days, back on Thursday again. Hmmm....... ok whatever.

10:00 AM this morning, My doc calls personally. I freaked, and asked her what was wrong. She is NEVER the one to call unless it is bad news people, so I was scared.

My E2 (estrogen) is already over 500, and even though the other two docs thought I would be fine, she didn't. I LOVE that woman!!! She decided to call me and tell me to go to 150 units. Neither of us wants to go to OHSS Hell again. She told me that she wants quality not quantity. Amen to that one.

I KNEW I was going up to fast, I could just tell, my body may not do what I want it to, but it tells me what it is doing very clearly. I was really worried yesterday about staying at 200 units, my ovaries had been telling me all about myself all day.

So that is where we are.

Sick Turtle, VERY tired Rebel, and lowered to 150 units of F*llistim. Hurdle # ICan'tRemember cleared, although I almost tripped!!

September 7, 2008

Buttons, Seeds, and Babies

I hoard things.

To most people they are things that are stupid.

Clark thinks they are stupid.

Last year when I was pregnant with the Turtle, I needed to clean out the craft room to make room for the stuff we had been storing in her nursery. So many memories and could have or should have been's in that little room.

12 years ago a fabric and craft store up the road from my house was going out of business. I bought almost 500 buttons for maybe 10 bucks. They were perfect for this comforter I wanted to make. I dreamt about making this for our bed, one of a kind, all original, only one in the world. I hadn't found the fabric at that point, but I had found the "perfect" buttons. Those buttons moved with me 2 times. I never found the right fabric. I bought new comforters last summer. I donated the buttons along with a ton of other craft supplies to the local Children's Hospital.

8 years ago I fell in love with some flowers that were growing out in front of the apartments we lived in. I started collecting the seeds when the flowers died and dried up. They were pretty purple flowers, that only bloomed in the early evening. They smelled amazing. Light and musky, barely there, but amazing. They sort of reminded me of my Infertility journey, because they grew for so long before they bloomed. Since I didn't know what they were called, I called them "Late Bloomers" I later found out that they were called Four O' Clock's because they bloom late in the day. I used to include a few of the seeds when I sold Baby Dust, as sort of an added encouragement. If a flower could bloom late and be that beautiful then so surely could the women of the world who struggled with Infertility.

I found the left over seeds when I was cleaning out the craft room this last year to. I didn't throw them away though as maybe I can get around to planting them now that we have a house all our own. Oh yeah we have been here for almost 6 years... should have done it already right?? I couldn't they are that special to me. Now that Turtle is here, I think I have the perfect spot next spring.

I have all of the cards I have gotten since I was 10 or 11 in some boxes in my closet.

I have pictures from way back in Junior high.

I have every email and letter that Clark wrote me after he joined the Navy, and every one I wrote to him.

I have kept every gift I have gotten from my online friends... no matter how silly, goofy, or odd. I will not get rid of them. Ever. They are that special to me.

I even collect animals. All but 2 of my 6 dogs are a rescue. All 3 of the cats are rescues.

I have food issues. I cannot let there be less then one can or box of my favorite or essential foods in the pantry. God help the person who eats it and doesn't tell me, because I will hunt them down.

So, here I sit in the middle of another IVF cycle, with all my cards on the table.

I feel like I am starting to collect again. This time I am scared I am trying to collect babies. I feel the need to gather up as many as I can and hold on for dear life. I don't need them, I just want them. I can live without them, or can I?? After the Turtle was born, I fell so in love with her that I got very scared that I may not get the chance to have another baby. I have started to worry that I rushed myself and Clark into this cycle to satisfy some deep urge to "Have".

Turtle has lived up to every expectation that I have had of her, and I know that no matter what she is going to be perfect. She just isn't enough. It is so very sad to me in some ways that I feel like this. Have I run towards trying for another baby because my fears have taken over my rational thought process, and I feel that I need to have another baby to fill some deep unknown desire??

I hate Infertility.

Infertility did this to me.

Infertility is forcing me to run, in a panic, not walk back to the clinic.

I feel like a starving child who just had a meal for the first time in a week. I don't need to eat anymore, but I have to. I can't not go for a second helping even though I am so full it hurts.

September 5, 2008

Welcome to the Hurdles

Just so you know I spent over an hour on a post last night. It was witty, it was funny, and it was long, hit Publish.... then Blogger ATE it. Well Hell.... so I will try to recreate my wit....

The day started for crap.

I sat bolt upright at 6:45 and realized that Clark had Not woken me up before he left for work @ 5:45, so I had less then a half an hour to wash my butt, get the girl up, dressed, fed, and then out the door!!

I had Kent listen on the monitor for the Turtle while I ran in circles in the shower. Good thing I washed my hair on Wednesday!! 5 minute shower, and I was standing in the kitchen when little Miss started rousing in her crib. Got her up, dressed and fed in record time. Out the door in 35 minutes. Damn good if I say so myself!!

Get to the sitters, and dread starts to set in. We pull up as she is getting her kids in the car for the school run. I put Turtles car seat in her car, and we walked back to the car to get her and her bag. I opened the passenger door to get her bag out, and slammed it into my forehead. HARD. DAMN that freaking hurt. The sitter looked at me and asked if I was OK. I simply said "Am I bleeding?" She told me no, so I grabbed the bag. No time for pain, I was already behind. She gets the Turtle out of my car, and puts her in her car. Turtle FREAKS OUT.... screaming, tears, the whole 9 yards.

Damn, that is NOT what I needed.

I backed ever so slowly out of the driveway, watching the whole time. I sat in the street for what must have been 45 seconds until I realized there was a car behind me. Stepped on the gas, and tears ran down my face. It broke my heart to leave her there.

Off I go, and up the road. My cell rings at 7:45, and it is Clark. "Wake up," he says. I hung up on him. Jackass.

Note to self: When you have a long drive do not, I repeat DO NOT drink a ton of coffee before and during said drive, cuz you just know your gonna get stuck in traffic. DUMBASS!!

So, by the time I get to the clinic, 5 minutes late, I had a cramp in my hip from pressing my foot against the floorboard to keep from pissing myself. That was the best 2 minutes of my life I swear!! I am telling you though, if there hadn't been a Highway Trooper 2 cars in front of me, I would have gotten out and peed in the ditch... yeah it was THAT bad!!

I get called back to sign away my life, ok not my life, but $12,000.00 bucks of it anyway. 12 grand to MAYBE make a baby, am I crazy?? Oh yeah, I forgot, I am.

Bloodletting.... that went fine.

B/P NotSoMuch 137/93 hmmm...... wonder what that is about. It has been high like that for a few weeks now.

Injection class.... ummm thanks don't need this one, was just here, and I hardly have forgotten how to work the stupid Pen, thanks, but no thanks.

Oh CooterCam you're next... how I missed thee!!!

Dr. KnockedMeUpLastTime comes rushing in the room, and asks..

"Where is the baby??"

"Uh, at the sitters."

"Why, you know we like to see the babies!!"

"Uh yeah I know, but it would just be to much for her."

What I really wanted to ask him though was if he was kidding. I mean I refuse to rub my Ticket into the face of someone who hasn't gotten theirs yet, and you would think they would get that. Of course the woman who brought her toddler in with her didn't get it either... I mean really how selfish and self centered do you have to be to do something shitty like that??? UGH!!!

U/S lasted 45 seconds. Things must look good because that was the shortest meeting with the Wand I have ever had.

One last chat with IVFNurse, get my Pen, and a script for Clark, and out the door I go. Thank heavens that is over. Now to sit by the phone!!

The Turtle was totally great at the sitters, and was just over the moon with a smile that made me cry again when I went to get her!!! That little girl sure knows how to touch her mommies heart!!!

Called the phone tree just after 4 pm, and I must have been suppressed because I got instructions for 200 units last night, tonight, Saturday, and Sunday. Return 8:30 Monday morning.

200 units??

Maybe it is the extra 35 pounds. Maybe the higher FSH. Need to remember to ask about that on Monday, cuz that is just 50 units short of my OHSS dose, and I SOOOOO do not want to go there again!!!

So, I shot up, and frankly it was very anticlimactic. I almost feel like this is the wrong thing to be doing right now. I pray that I am wrong, but I can't get into it right now. I just wanted to let you all know how the visit went, and that I am ok. Just feeling a little out of sorts about all of this. More later I promise.

September 3, 2008

Suppression Check Relay

Well, we have reached that part of the game where I find out if I get to continue on. I am not altogether sure how I feel going into tomorrows appointment. Physically, I am feeling ok, no clues as to the nature of my "suppressed" ovaries, they don't feel like they are mounting a sneak attack, so we may be ok!!

Mentally... ha now that is a whole nother thing... as Deb so eloquently asked me earlier, no I am not in need of that bail money just yet... I have come close, but alas, my brain managed to check itself before my mouth could get my ass kicked, so I am still a free woman!! :o)

Clark actually told me that he has developed a new syndrome... it is called RFS, Restless Fist Syndrome, and if I don't stop being so nasty and mouthy then I may end up with a dent in the back of my skull in the middle of the night!! He assures me that they have no known cure for RFS at this time, so he is using his superhuman strength to control it.


No really I love him, but he hasn't been sleeping well either, and we are both getting pretty punchy (not really). By the time 8 PM rolls around I am ready to curl up in a ball and go into a coma, but there is shit to do here in Infertile House, that can't and won't get done if I am sleeping.

I know that I said I was going to write this long post about feelings, IVF, and how I am doing with all of this, but I frankly haven't had the time or energy. When Turtle naps, I try to grab a few minutes of sleep to. This is one of the things that I don't remember about the last cycle that we did, this Lupr*n really has messed with my sleep. Maybe last time it really didn't matter because Kent got himself off to school, and I didn't need to be up... but now there is this little girl that starts squeaking into the monitor, as if to remind me that she is really there, at 5 or 6 AM, and I can't ignore her. Not that I want to, but it has made things a little harder this time around... ok A LOT harder. I am one of those people who NEEDS their sleep. Without sleep I lose my sense of humor, and I lose it quickly!! I am no fun when I haven't had my 8 hours... just ask RFS Man. So, I have struggled...

I have also spent a lot of time grieving. This will probably be the last cycle we will do. If I get pregnant, it will be the last baby. I have spent so long trying that I can't imagine that not being a part of me anymore. I can't even think of a day where I won't be consumed with the thought of trying to get pregnant. I don't think I will ever be able to stop it. Even when the "Baby Basket" is gone... which it will be after this, baby or not. Damn.

I will let you all know how things go in the morning.... I am sure I will be thoroughly traumatized though, as I will be leaving the Turtle with a babysitter for the first time ever!! GAH!!! I am not ready for that I tell ya. I feel like I am going to die, and it isn't even time to drop her off yet. Geez, what a wuss!! LOL Oh yeah I almost forgot... we had a check-up for Turtle's ears today... infection is gone!! YES!!! She weighed in at 18.8 pounds, and was really good for the doc this time. The doc did say that it looks like she has about 6 teeth trying to come in, so that could account for all of the ear pulling she is doing right now... poor baby!!! She has 3 through, one almost through, and 6 right under the surface... needless to say I think she has earned that dose of Tylenol she got with her bottle tonight, poor baby.


September 1, 2008

Hugs to my Mother

When I was 17 my mother, who has made me the fur baby junkie that I am, was working in a local grooming shop.

The owner had acquired a baby cockatoo.

My mom fell in love with the bird, and ended up working off the purchase price with the owner of the shop.

The bird was named Baby, and he became the master of the house. We later had Baby sexed and found out that she was indeed a female.

I cannot tell you the amazing things this bird could do. She used to sit on the back of a chair in the living room and say "Here Kitty kitty kitty." to my brothers cat, and when the stupid thing would come to her, she would attack his ass. She grew to love him though, and actually started sharing the back of the chair with him.

She loved to cuddle with me, an would give you kisses all day!! She was just awesome!! She could talk, and would ask "How are you?", "Whatchadoin??", and a number of other funny little phrases.

She was also a master of escaping her cages. I cannot tell you how many times she has picked a lock and gotten out to fly loose in the house or my moms grooming shop.

My parents are getting ready to move to a new house in a new state, so my mother has been very busy packing and getting ready for this big event. My dad already stays and works in the town they are moving to, and comes home on the weekends. Right now my mom has dogs that she "sits" for because she has kennels on her property.

My mom and dad went to a movie last night, and when they came home, the little dogs that she is keeping for my brother were chewing on something....

Needless to say, my mother accidentally left the keys in the padlock on Baby's cage, she got the door open, got out of her cage, and at some point the Pomeranian got ahold of her leg and ripped it off.

My mom called to tell me this morning that Baby was gone, and I cried like a bitch. I loved that bird so much, she had been a part of our family for so long, ad I cannot imagine the grief and guilt that my mother feels right now... so if you could just send my Mom a little love, I would Love you for it!!

I Love you Baby, you have your wings back again sweetie!!!