It only gets closer.....

So, I went to hide from the world again the last few days.... everything just seems to be spinnning out of control again, and I hate it being the control freak that I am. I was blindsided on Friday by the U/S tech who called in a doc to look at the old right kidney... I guess it not only has an odd shape, but it has some anomalies on it.... JOY OH FREAKING JOY!!!!! You have got to be kidding me... just for once can something NOT be wrong with me??? So I have to wait for my doc and the Rad doc to chat and see if they need to biopsy the anomalies, which may or may not take just a needle, or possibly a hospital stay. This could ruin some very important plans that I have for this coming weekend, I am not happy about it, and neither is Kent.

I haven't put up my tree yet, and I am not sure that I want to. Things just seem to not hold an importance for me like they used to. I haven't even done our cards yet, and I usually have them ready and out by now... but I haven't done a photot yet, and I love sending out photo cards... but alas that is just one more thing my heart isn't in. Of course it could be that I have already given Clark his biggest gift.... (Yeah, Yeah, but where in the hell was I supposed to hide a 5 foot tall tool chest??) and mine is going to be done on thursday... we (I) are getting HughesNet (satellite internet for the house, that is my Xmas gift. Of course Kent got tons of stuff already again, but most of it is little in size. Our tree is HUGE and such a pain in the ass to put up, that it has been something I do not look forward to at all anymore. Like I said it just doesn't hold the same fasination for me that it used to... frankly it is just one more year that I don't have.....

Today was CD3 and I just sat here all day staring at the phone... I prolly should have called the IVF nurse, no I should have called her so that all the ins shit can be in order just in case I get to cycle this coming month, but hell that has all of the fasination that Xmas holds for me anymore. Maybe it is just the fact that I have a terrible feeling that I will fall on my face again, or better yet, walk right through this cycle with ease and end up with nothing to show for it on the other side. I guess a lot of this feeling has to do with the fact that the more I learn about all the wonderful things Endo can, will and has done to my body that I wonder why I am even bothering. What will my daughter (should I have one) have to look forward to because her mother was so selfish as to want her. What quality of life will I have with my child(ren) once they are here if I am as ill as often after them as I am now?? These are the things that I struggle with everyday..... and I get pissed off more everyday. I have wanted to call my mother on more then one occasion and just scream at her because of all of this. But it isn't her fault... she didn't know. But I do. Can I pass this on to a daughter knowing how horrible my life has been because of it?? I pray every day that "God" will tell me what to do, or send me a sign of some kind... anything. Everyday I sit here in the silence with no answer yet, and do it all over again. I don't think it is ever going to end. I may call the IVF nurse tomorrow, and I may not....