October 18, 2006


So, it seems that every time I have an update it is always bad news… maybe I should just give up the chase for motherhood, and be happy with what I have!!! I am so sick of the bullshit of infertility that I want to just scream… what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even get past the first step of anything without the world I live in collapsing?? Well, I guess you will want to know what this rant is about…

I started the Lupron (Ovarian Suppressant) on the 2nd of this month, and should have started my period within 10 to 14 days of starting the shots… well this weekend rolls around, and still no visit from the old hag, not to mention that I gained almost 15 pounds, my boobs are huge, and I have to pee every 5 minutes. My pelvis is so swollen and painful that sex was unbearable by last Saturday night. I was having all kinds of cervical mucus, and that didn’t seem odd to me at first, until an innocent comment from a friend who has done this about that meaning that my ovaries were working… uh wait, they aren’t supposed to be working right now, they are supposed to be resting…. Hmmm. So when there was no sigh of AF by Sunday night I called the IVF nurse and left a message, then called again Monday AM… well she finally called me back, and said that they needed to draw blood work, and do and U/S to see what was up. Well I had Clark and the in laws with me because we had been to lunch, and I was a little apprehensive to go with all of them with me. So, I get there, and after about 20 minutes they called me back, drew the blood, and put me in the U/S room. Well, in walks Dr. NoPersonalityOrSenseOfHumor who assisted on my surgery, he didn’t even know who I was, made me feel important!! LOL So, in goes DildoCam. Next thing I hear is Dr. NoPersonalityOrSenseOfHumor says “Holy Cow”, I asked what, and he turns the screen to face me, and there in all of their glory were my ovaries, Huge, full of cysts, and literally touching each other because they were so swollen. There were at least 10 huge cysts/follies on each ovary. We were both stunned. He looks at me and asks me when was the last time I was on clomid, I told him like 3 years ago. Well, his next questions is “Have you been taking your Stims already?? I told him no, in fact I hadn’t even picked them up from the pharmacy because I didn’t want to jinx myself. So he prints the pictures of HugeOvaries out, tells me to get dressed, and that he would see me outside. So, he lets me sit there for 10 minutes stewing in my own juices, and then tells me that he has to talk to the other clinic doctor. Well, Clark comes back, just as the two of them walk up, and Dr. S tells asks me if I am sure that I haven’t taken any stims… so I tell her no, and repeat the jinx thing. I did tell her about the mucus, and the boobs, and she said to me well these ovaries look like the ovaries of a person who has been on stims for at least 7 days and is ready for egg retrieval. Hmm, well nope I have only been on the Lupron so far, for 14 days, and nothing else. Then I think she said something about if I wanted to do a retrieval and see what we get, but in the back of my mind I remembered someone who had done that and got no eggs at all, so I said no, and then I knew what was coming next…. Well, then you are CANCELLED for the rest of this cycle… I just knew that one was coming, it had to be, because that is how things work in my life, NOTHING goes right, NOTHING. So she says we have 2 options, Birth control pills when AF finally comes for 3 weeks, and then the Lupron again, or wait 2 cycles, and then do the BC pills with the Lupron, but either way I can’t finish this cycle. I don’t remember much of what happened next because Clark just walked me through the office, got my pack of pills, and led me out the door, right in to the waiting room to face the in-laws. How humiliating. That is when the tears fell… I must have sobbed for 10 minutes before I could get it back together, the whole time apologizing to the 3 of them for the state of my emotions. Clark kept telling me it was ok, and this is just a little setback, but frankly I am so sick of the setbacks that I wanted to tell him to shut the hell up, but I couldn’t do that in front of his mom and dad. The rest of the day was a blur, and I am still trying to process what the hell went wrong. The beating up on myself has begun, and it will continue I am sure for weeks. I am sure that it has to be something that I did or didn’t do since this side effect is so freaking rare, but then that is the story of my damn life!! I even told my friend a few days ago about how weak I feel for not being able to want a baby bad enough to quit smoking. I have tried, I really have, but it just seems like no matter what I do those damn things are just to fucking important, more so then the one thing I have wanted the most for the last 20 years of my life. I am weak, and I know that, I have no willpower. So that ishow my first attempt at IVF will end, CANCELLED. What a feeling, didn’t even get halfway through it, and I am already done.

So, the whole week last week, I went nuts cleaning my house cuz the in-laws were coming, so that is why I just didn’t have time to update before now, not to mention the fact that I went to the Toby Keith concert on Friday night, and had a blast despite the discomfort in my pelvis. Saturday we cleaned and waited for them to come, but they got lost and got into town so late that we just decided to meet them for breakfast the next morning. We got up, go meet them at the hotel in town, and went to Golden Coral. Well, 10 minutes into our visit, out comes the News. Clark’s niece is pregnant again, and they weren’t even trying. Weren’t going to start until November or December, but got surprised a little early. GREAT, just what I needed. They just had a baby a little over a year ago. So the Blurt caught me totally off guard, and I looked at Clark, he just rolled his eyes. Breakfast went ok after that, and we all came out to our house, then decided to go to and visit the Aquarium. That was great, and we all had a blast, it was really nice. D (MIL) rode with me all day, and we had a good time talking. We had dinner at a place on the Beach, and it was really nice. After that the in-laws went back to their hotel, and we drove home. Well, on the way home I broached the subject of his niece being pregnant again, and Clark said that he was sorry, but that he had hoped that his mom wouldn’t say anything… uh huh?? Yeah he already knew, and didn’t have the heart to tell me knowing that it would hurt my feelings. I asked him how long he had known, and he said about 3 weeks. Nice. I told him that I loved him for trying to protect me, but that it would have been nice to have a heads up on that one!! What a man, I knew there was a reason I loved him so much… he never fails to amaze me with how much he tries to protect me!!

Well, you know about most of Monday already… the day from Hell… but that night we all had dinner here, and MIL was very impressed with my cooking, that made me feel really good!!!
Tuesday we decided to keep Kent out of school and Clark stayed home from work so that we could spend time with the In-Laws. We went bowling, which was so fun, then out to lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s, where I had one to many Mojotio’s, which were FANTASTIC by the way.

(Note to self… try not to get smashed the next time your in-laws are sitting there watching ya!!! )

Then it was off to Wal-Mart, and the excuse they call a mall here, where MIL and I bonded over shopping in JCPenney’s, then we rented Click, and came back to the house. What a cute movie that was, funny and sad all at the same time. Then we took a few pictures, printed them out, and said farewell to the In-Laws. I have to admit I actually enjoyed having them here, I really did. It seems so different from a few years back when I felt like they were always judging me. Besides that, I realized that Clark and I are a family, and they are a part of that family, but that I cannot let them determine my relationship with him by how they feel about me. I think that the general attitude towards me has changed to since Clark and I have been together for almost 14 years now, and we are still so very much in love. I hope that they saw just how much I love him to. Kent had a ball meeting them, and really likes his Grandma!!! He had a great time.

BTW, we had a ball at the Lynyrd Skynyrd Concert with Kent and his friend, and his B-day sleep over and party was a lot of fun to!!!!

Today is Wednesday, and I spent the day waiting for the phone to ring from the RE’s office, doing laundry, and feeling sorry for myself. I am in a lot of pain, and keep getting terrible cramps in my pelvis, so that is driving me nuts, and being worried about one of these cysts/follies rupturing, and I know that will freaking hurt like a bitch!!! So that has been the last few days of my life in a nutshell, what a Wonderful Life!!!!

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