September 13, 2005


Well, it has been a busy 2 weeks here, so I wanted to pop in now that I have a minute, and update some....

Kent has gone back to school, and is having fun being in the 7th grade. He got his reading diagnostic's test back, and this child of mine who just 2 and 1/2 years ago thought reading was retarded scored 12.9+!!!! That means he has a reading level above a high school graduate!!! Holy Cow!!! I am so totally proud of him, infact this week he checked out "The Count of Monte Cristo", and told me this AM that it is the best book he has ever read... go figure, my kid LOVES the classics!!! He is still "grounded", but he did help with yard work this past weekend to earn some TV/Video game time, and he actually spent some of that time reading. I am just so over joyed that he seems to be finally getting it about school and grades. He is still having a hard time following his "schedual" for personal care, so he has to stay grounded til he gets it, but giving him stuff to do to earn time with his tv and stuff seems to be working a little... We will see how it goes....

One of the other reasons I have been so busy is that BB had to have heartworm treament, and we brought her home on the 1st, and she was a little out of it, and was sorta swollen on her right side, but they told me that was normal. Friday I had to call the vet cuz the swelling got a little worse, he told me to give her some Rimadil, and keep an eye on her. Saturday and Sunday the swelling got worse and worse I mean she literally looked like a hunch back, and she wasn't even able to whine enough to wake us up to let her out, so she pottied on the floor... well on Monday (Labor Day), I noticed that her teeth were chattering and it was pretty warm here.. about 80, and she was hardly walking at all. I couldn't get her to eat unless it was canned puppy food, and I had to put it in my hand to get her to eat it. By Monday night she was looking even worse, and I could tell she was HOT, I brought her in the house, put her in a kennel, and turned a fan on her. By midnight she wanted out, and since it was pretty cool I let her go back out. Tuesday AM when I got up, she looked so bad I just knew I had to take her in. I called the vet, and they told me to be there at 12. So at about 11 I started getting her ready to go, and she was so lethargic she was stumbling like she was drunk, and she was having a lot of trouble breathing. She wouldn't get in the van on her own, and when I put her in, she just layed right down... not like her at all, that girl LOVES to go for rides. By the time I got her to the vet she was gasping for air, and wouldn't move on her own at all. When we went in the office, she just fell out right on the floor. They rushed her back to a room, and about 10 minutes later the vet comes out to show me that tehy pulled 10cc's out of the hump on her back. He told me that she had gotten an abcess, and that her fever was 105.9. I just started bawling, and he told me that they wanted to keep her, put her on anitbiotics, and give her fluids because she was really dehydrated. So I left her there, and called them about 5 to check up on her, they told me her fever was coming down, but they were going to try to get more out of the abcess. The next morning I called, and he told me that he got an additional 20 cc's out the night before whe they drained it, and that he still wanted to keep her one more night. Well the office closes early on wenesdays ( 1 PM), and about 4:30 the vet calls me and tells me that she was going down hill fast, not moving her right leg, and not getting up at all, so he wanted to cut into the spot and put a drain in it. Well, a little after 6 he called me and told me that they got over a cup of fluid out of it, and that it was one big one and about 10 little ones around it. He also told me that they were filled with gas so when he popped them, they let the stuff out, and it smelled horrid, they also got some fibrous tissue lumps out of it that were pretty big.... YUCKY!!! He put 3 drain tubes in her hip, and I went to see her Thursday, and she looked so sad. I went up because they couldn't get her to eat, and they thought if I tried maybe she would eat for me. She did, but not that much. I have to tell ya it was breaking my damn heart to see her like that... So, the vet and I talked, and decided that it was best if she stayed with them until the drains came out so that our other dogs wouldn't bother her to much, so she gets to come home today if all goes well with the drain removal. I have to say that I was pretty pissed about this whole thing and they know it to. See I expected them to shave her where they had to do the injections (they do one on each hip that go all the way through the muscle to right next to the spine) and I told them when I dropped her off that she had gotten out that weekend, and had been in the swamp, and I hadn't had a chance to bath her. So I was a little supprised when went to get her, and all they had done was pour surgical scrub on her and then did the injections. I KNOW that is what caused this abcess, she was full of germs from playing in the swamp, and then they pump all that poison into her, and I can almost put money that she got some sort of bacteria off the needle since the abcess was under the muscle, and right near her spine. Needless to say all I am going to have to pay for is the meds, and they decided to start shaving and then scrubing the dogs getting this treatment from now on. Go figure, it takes my dog almost dying for them to change something like that. The vet told me he had never seen anything like that happening before, ahh hence my name change to "Murphy"!! LOL I will be so happy to have her back, and all the other pups miss her to!!

As far as I go, I did some research, and decided to try a Soy cycle this month, just to see what happens. It is supposed to behave like Clomid when you take it, so we will see... I have been noticing some "talking" between my ovaries the last 3 days since I stopped the soy, so I will just have to wait and see. I am going in to see my PCP for my yearly work up, and there are a few things I am going to ask her to do... one is check my thyroid, because it has been sorta high, normal, but on the high end of normal, and when I was going through my records, I noticed several times that it was over 3, and since that is the new high, I think there is something to it... that would also explain sooo many other things that have gone on with my body in the last almost 18 years, so I am really going to push the issue. I found my old Infertility records, so I am going to drop those off to her so that she can look at them and add that info to my letter to the ins. co. I really hope that this cycle with the soy will work, but if not I am going to keep doing it til I get back into the RE.

Well, I have a ton of stuff to do today... trying to get ready for Ms. Ophelia to make her landfall, so have to pick up the yard and all that fun crap... UGH that is the only part I hate about living here!!! I hope we are still here in a few days... God knows we need the rain, but not the 15 freaking inches they are calling for!! So, I am off for now.....

August 31, 2005


At the end of the Day...

Well, I have to report the good news first... My lumps weren't cancer!!! YEAH!!! So that was the biggest load off my shoulders. They are just going to leave the big one and keep an eye on it. I started taking B-6 and Vit. E this week because they say that really helps with Fibrocystic Breast Disease, so I am gonna give it a shot and see how it goes.

Now for the bad part... I decided that if I din't have cancer that I wanted to try to go back to doing some infertility treatments, I had talked to Clark about it the last few days, and he told me that we didn't have the money to adopt, but he never said that he wasn't wanting to try again. So after she told me the results, I told her that we wanted to try again, and we chatted about it, then she asked why we were thinking about it again, and I said because Clark told me he didn't want a Guataumlian baby (jokingly) and he looked right at the doc and says "I don't want anymore kids, I have one now, and besides those treatments aren't ever going to work anyway" I was BLOWN away. He was totally serious to. I just ended up asking her if she could get my records anyway, and help me fight with the ins. company, and she said that she would, but that she didn't think it looked good. Just what I wanted to hear... four months of waiting for the kids, they get ripped out from under me, not having the money to adopt internationally, and now this.. Makes me wonder if I am ever going to be a "mom" again. I mean yes we have Kent, and I love him dearly, but I didn't give birth to him, and I am totally begining to feel like he is the only child I am ever going to have.

I talked to our adoption worker today, and she told me one of the reasons that we may not have gotten the kids is a new program they put into affect called Pathways to Permanancy... it basically states that the children have to be placed as close to the home agency as possible, and MUST remain in the same school that they were already in. Well, since we live out of state, and I cannot drive an hour and a half twice a day, we don't live there anymore, basically me getting a call from them for any children is never gonna happen. I really wish they had told me before now so that I wouldn't even have gotten worked up about anything. So, that option is out, and the DSS option for us here is to as we don't have the time for the classes. When I got home today there were 6 rejection letters from the adoption agencies that we had applied to. So at that point I just started bawling. I mean geez, is it to much to ask to want to have a house full of kids mine or otherwise?? I feel like I have hit the end of my rope. If my PCP can't help me with the ins. company, then we are done, all the way around, finished. I have to admit that my heart is in a perpetual state of brokenness right now, and I am not sure if it will ever heal. I guess it is just time to "Move On" and "Get Over It" as so many of my online and RL friends seem to keep telling me... ahh but alas, they all have kids... go figure!!

Well, I am gonna go drown my sorrows, and maybe feel better in the morning... although I doubt it, I am gonna give it a try!! Good Night

Almost there....

Well today is the day that I go for the results of my tests. Clark is going to go with me. My stomach has been in knots for 2 days. To say that I am not scared to death would be a lie. I have to be there at 2:45 this afternoon and I have to leave even earlier cuz they are working on the roads here. BB is at the vet getting treated for heartworms, and I am going to stop and see her on the way up to VA or home. I am so worried about her, and just want her to be ok. I guess I will get off of here and get ready to go, it might take me awhile to get up the courage to even leave the house!!

August 27, 2005

Return to Normal???

Well, it has been a few days since I got on-line because I have just been in a state of trying to deal with my feelings. I called on Tuesday and talked to the kids' workers supervisor, first because I had to tell her that I couldn't attend any of the training that they had this week for funding of special needs placements, and then I told her what happened the day before when I talked to the other worker. I get through the whole thing, and she busts this on me "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that she just told you yesterday (Monday) that you guys weren't getting the kids??" I said "Yes, that was the first I have heard of it why?" She says "I knew 3 WEEKS AGO that they weren't placing them with you" I went off!!! That means that they knew a week after we were supposed to get the kids on that Friday, and NOONE bothered to say anything. I told the supervisor that I was totally devastated, and that basically it was "on." She said that she was going to find out just what had happened, and that maybe the other worker didn't tell know how to tell me. I told her that was a freaking cop out and she knew it because I am an adult, and they tell people everyday that they are taking their kids away, so she knew how to say it she just didn't have the GUTS!! I mean it takes up to 2 weeks to put together a placement agreement, so she has known for at least that long that she wasn't giving them to us. So, the Sup. says she has a meeting with the boss that afternoon, and she would call me back ... hmm it is Saturday, think I have gotten that call?? NOPE!! They went to court Wendsday, and I don't know what happened, but I sat on the porch last night looking at the stars, and thinking that "my babies" were going to sleep in someone else's home last night, and I just cried. I talked to our adoption attorney yesterday and got some advice, I will follow it first, but he seems to think that we won't be able to find a lawyer that would take our case, and that we should just deal with it with DSS and save ourselves some money, what do you girls think?? I mean there has to be some civil lawyer out there who would want to fight for us?? I am not a sue happy person, but they don't have a clue what they have done to our family, and I want to make them acknowledge what they did to us. I didn't realize just how far the impact extended until my step mom called me all excited and asked if we had gotten the kids, when I told her no, she was hurt. Then I went back to the woman who donated 5 bags of her daughters clothes to us for the girls, and asked her if she wanted the clothes back, and when I told her what happened she went off. It was then that she told me just how excited her daughter was that she was going to have playmates her age, and how disappointed she was when she found out they weren't coming. See there are only 3 kids on our street, and she was so looking forward to having someone else around to play with. UGH. So I am going to request a meeting with the supervisor, and the asst. director of DSS, and give them holy hell. Clark said we need to find a way to force them into giving us the kids, I didn't realize how freaking hurt he was either, and I told him that I didn't want to, and shouldn't have to do it that way. All I know is that my heart is so totally broken right now, that it is gonna take a very long time to heal. I mean that woman SHOVED those kids down my throat for months, showed me pictures of them, told me that they looked like I had given birth to them, and that her ultimate goal was for us to adopt them. Then she calls me acting cold as a fish, and breaks my heart.... Well, I am not one to sit back and take something like that in stride since that makes it 4 times this year they have called me about a child, and then backpedaled!! I told the supervisor that I was done with them!! Ok, enough, I am getting pissed all over again!!

On another note, Thursday was my mammogram, and U/S and I was scared out of my mind. I had to be there at 1:30, I wish the doc would have given me something to calm my nerves, cuz my stomach kept me up all night, and was flipping all out that AM to, not to mention my heart was racing to!! I am so praying that this is gonna be nothing, and that I can get through the rest of the weekend, and then the follow-up on the 31st without falling apart. I have already cried twice this morning, and my nerves are shot!! So wish me luck, and throw me a little prayer!!

Kent officially became a 7th grader thursday morning. He was up and out of bed at 5:30 because he was so excited!!! I am so very proud of my little man, he even fixed his own hair all cute and spiky!! I am just praying thathe will do as good with his grades this year as he did last year. He went to the first dance of the year last night, and has a new girlfriend now to, so he is on cloud 9. I get such a charge out of watching him get so excited over stuff like that, he is so cute!!

Some of my friends have been telling me to get over not getting the kids, and move on. Frankly I have to say that I am totally offended, but then I expect it from people who have kids already of their own. Even some of the infertility girls are saying it to, but frankly, I totally feel like they(DSS) owe me an explaination or something, and I am not going to let it die. You can't just go around crushing people like that, and then expect to just walk away from the whole thing unscathed. I am going to call on Monday, and let them know that I talked to an attorney, and request a meeting with them before I move on with it.

I took some dogs to the vet on friday, and S needs to have surgery on her foot, and had hook worms, but other then that they all got clean bills of health. I was happy, but not looking forward to the next few months when we have to pay for the surgery, and getting 2 of them fixed, not to mention that I think J is pregnant... not to sure though, got to see what she does. No belly on her yet, but her mommie didn't pop out til she was 2 weeks away from having them. UGH, I wasn't trying to have anymore pups in this house!!

Oh well. I am gonna head out, I am tired, and want to hit the sack......

August 22, 2005

The Universe....

As I sit here contimplating the fate of the Universe.... (Note to self... Bad idea when consuming Bacardi 151) I am hating life in general today..... I spoke before about the sibling group that we were waiting on well today this happened....

You know after Friday's doctor appointment I just new nothing else could go wrong in my life... I was SOOO WRONG. After calling and leaving 5 messages for the worker of the sib group that were are waiting to get, I asked our Adoption worker to hunt her down and ask her to call me. They are going to court on Wensday, and I was going to be up that way already, so I thought I might tag along with her to see what the judge decides to do. Well, 15 minutes after I get off the phone with my worker, the kids' worker calls me and tell me this... "I have been meaning to call you" she asked how I was and I told her briefly about Friday, and why I was calling, so then she proceeds to tell me this... "Well, I hate to tell you this, but you don't meed to come to court, and you won't be getting the kids. We decided that we need to keep them instate to better deal with their needs, and frankly, the fact that you live in another state has pretty much put you out of the running for any other foster kids from here. We have found an appropriate home for all 3 of the kids together, the family has agreed to take them, and they have already signed the placement agreement." I was so dumbfounded I just said ok well what do you want me to do with all of the stuff that has been donated to us for them?? I know that you said they didn't have much. She tells me almost rudely "Well I am sure there are resources there in your state that could use them, but if you INSIST on bringing them up, I will make sure the kids get them. Again, I am sorry to have to tell you this, I have to go, have a nice day."


Can you even believe this crap?? I mean I have literally had my life on hold for over a month waiting for the 24th, and it takes at least 2 weeks to do a placement agreement, so why did they wait until this morning, after I had someone chase her ass down, to call and tell me this??? I am so done with that agency that I left a message for the department head to call me, and I am going to tell her that I no longer want to foster any of their kids EVER. This is the 3rd time in the last 3 months they have pulled this crap on me, and I am so done with it. I would rather do IF treatments for the rest of my natural life and have all of them fail, then to have to go through another day like today again. I am going to make some phone calls as to the legality of what they have done to, and even if I can't get them on legality, I may go for morality. Every one of those workers in that office knows what we have been through with Kent, and IF, and this is like a slap in the damn face. I am so mad and broken hearted, I spent most of this afternoon crying on the phone with Clark... How can they do this to me??? Sorry I am just so upset right now I am literally sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I just HAD to get that all off my chest!!!

First off let me explain the friday appointment... in short my PCP thinks that I have Breast Cancer, and I go in on the 25th for a diagnostic Mammogram, and ultrasound with asperation, and I am scared out of my wits, so then this crap happens today, and not to mention that I found out one of my sweet Furries has Heart Worms last wensday to.

So needless to say I have had a crappy week, and I am really hating life in general right now, I mean if I was a little less of a person I would think that maybe God has it out for me, and to tell you the truth my heart is begining to lean in this general direction. I mean isn't it bad enough that I am infertile?? I hope that in the end I will look back at this day and laugh, but I hardly think that is going to happen... what have I done that is so freaking bad that I have to have all this shit in my life?? I would like to think that I have lived my life as the Man would want, but still I get kicked every single time I am down... what is up with that?? I just feel like right now I cannot catch a break, and I am very frankly getting sick of it... say a little prayer for me because I am not sure I have the strength left for this!!!

August 5, 2005

Been Busy...

Well, I have had a ruff 2 weeks. We can't adopt from Korea, and we decided to go with Guatumaula instead, well I had to go to DSS the day after we decided this, and one of the workers that I had spoken to in April about foster/adopting a sibling group of 3 came up to me, and told me that they were removing the kids that coming friday. Well, I go home freaking out cuz it is tuesday and I only have 4 days to get ready for them. I called all of my friends, and stuff came rolling in. The worker told me that she didn't think the kids had much in the way of clothes or toys, so I now have a room full of stuff, and it was 2 weeks today... and needless to say I have no kids. The woman that they are living with has been whining for months that she wanted the kids removed, and CPS got a call from the birth family that the little boy had burns all over him, well when they went to look at them, they took the kids to the local childrens hospital, and come to find out along with the burns they all had infected flea bites. So CPS was trying to get her to sign the kids over voluntarily, by kinda scaring her with the the fact that depending on how the investigation went that she may even lose her kids. Well now she has decided that she wants to keep them... go freaking figure!! So I have to hang out and wait for August 24th when they actaully go to court. They have already started our interstate papers, so that is good. The worker says that she really wants us to ultimately adopt these kids, and while I would love to, I have been through almost 4 years of hell with Kent as far as the adoption process goes, so I will keep breathing if you know what I mean. So, our lives right now as far as the international adoption is in a holding pattern. I was really devistated when she called me though, and to be honest with you it has taken me this long to sorta bounce back. I guess it was so hard on me because that was the 3rd time in a month that they had told me that they had a kid for us, and then had to back out. The one before the 3, they didn't even call to tell me that the mom of a new born boy that they called me about had changed her mind in the middle of the night. I have to tell you it is really stressful dealing with DSS sometimes. I know that they have their rules, and the goal of the agency is for family reunification, but why do they have to yank the foster parents around so damn much. UGH. So I have been filling my time with yardwork, and feeling sorry for myself. I want to get a job, but then I would hate to have to quit if we do get the kids, so I have been holding off on that one for now. I am also thinking of starting to sell an idea that I had on EBay, so just incase we go on with our international adoption, I will fund it that way, along with some savings.

Other then that, Kent is still grounded, and refuses to comply with the rules that we had for him to get off, so he will stay grounded until he can get it together. I know that might seem a little hard, but these are things that we have been working on since we have had him. He knows the rules, and refuses to follow them, so that is the consequence. He goes back to school on the 25th, and that will be kinda nice!! I know that he is looking forward to going back, and has already talked about how he is going to have to work hard this year to maintain his honor roll. I am so proud of how far he has come since we have had him, that I could just cry. I really think that he is going to do something with his life other then sit and feel sorry for himself all day long. It is so nice to know that as foster parents that we have done something right since you hear sooo many horror stories about foster families, and how they treat the kids they care for, but there are good foster families out there who really love the kids that they care for!! I even saw the Montel show today, and it was about horrible foster homes... I really didn't like that show at all, and I admire him so very much. I know that there are families out there who do those things, but what about a show to let people know about the amazing families out there?? Oh well, I guess I just see things differently the some people.

Well, I guess that is it for tonight, I am going to go have a little night cap, and get ready for the weekend.... more yardwork if it doesn't rain tomorrow, and we are gonna hit the Bull Bash in town tomorrow night if it stays nice.

July 15, 2005

Been that long???

Wow I really didn't think it had been that long!!! Holy Cow!!! Well school is done. I passed. California is done. It SUCKED. Kent and I just got back from 2 weeks with my family in the midwest. It REALLY SUCKED!! Now I think I know why I am infertile.... God can't find a soul up there brave enough to take that bunch of lunatics on!! It was pretty hard on me because both of my brothers are on my shit list now, and for totally different reasons. I have mixed feelings about the words that have been exchanged, and they both really know how to totally distroy my heart. I went out mostly to spend time with my mother as she is going to have surgery soon to remove some ovarian tumors, and I think that there is a very good chance that she has cancer, but she on the other hand refuses to even admit that there is a chance that it what it is. She actually should have had surgery weeks ago, but she refuses to do it until her business slows down for the fall. I tink that she is being totally selfish, and not even really condidering what her husband and her kids are going through while she takes her sweet time going in. I mean this is the woman who harped on me EVERY single time there was a test or anything that I needed medically, and now she won't even live by the same rules. I guess I just get so totally frusterated!!

So any way, the good thing about my trip was that I got a lot closer to my step mom, and I totally realize how hard it must be for her to be in a country so far away from her family. She is from Korea, and I think she is a very amazing woman... especially since she has put up with my father for so many years. I was angry at a lot of my extended family sinece for the most part none of them would have anything to do with her. Made me pretty sick to admit that I was related to them. She even went out of her way to make a very special meal for them, and most of them wouldn't even eat it. I guess that they all just showed me why I was ok with the fact that it had been 10 years or more since I had seen most of them... and probably will be 10 or more til the next time. I also didn't much care for the way that they treated Kent... it wasn't blatent, but I saw it when they left him out, and he was sitting away from all of them, it was almost like they thought they were gonna get something and endup in a wheelchair if they got to close. SAD :o( He and I had a few close moments, some stressful ones to, but for the most part this was a better trip as far as our rlationship was concerned!! It was nice to hear him say that he loved Clark and I and that he wouldn't have the life that he has if it wasn't for us... but he was right back to the same old kid as soon as we got home, and he is already grounded!! Didn't take long.

On a side note... mostly cuz I don't want to get to excited... my step mother has decided that she is going to enlist her family in Korea to try to help us adopt a little girl. I don't know what she is up to, and how long it will take, but in the years I have been dealing with DSS I have learned to have the patients of a SAINT!! So right now I am just going to apply for a passport, and sit back and roll with the punches. We should be done with our adoption with Kent in the next month or so, that will be a weight off my shoulders. It has really been a very long time coming, so it will be very nice to have it done and over with so that we can get on with our lives!!

I have been sick since we got back from our trip... actually most of the time that I was gone to, and it just has gotten worse. so this will be it for tonight, I won't even say that I am going to try to update more, cuz that seems to be a bad idea!! I really do think that I am going to try to use this as more of an outlet to put my feelings on paper so to speak, mostly because I don't get such a mixed bag of nasty opinions in return about how I deal with things in my life!! Have a great night!!

February 14, 2005

Nother day....

Well, work is going fine. I am going to try to take the CNA classes during the day now since I am not getting to many hours at work. I love doing home health though, so that doesn't really matter. I am going to start getting on the eliptical in the mornings, I need to get rid of some of the junk in my trunk before I go to California in May. I am going out there for the National Foster Parent Conference the 7th-14th, and I am really looking forward to it!! One week of not having to deal with hubby, kid, and dogs will be nice... although by the second night I am missing the hell out of them!!

I guess our adoption is moving right along, and I am really having mixed feelings about the whole thing to tell you the truth, I am scared that we will officially be parents, but then I worry that this is the only child I may ever have, so it has been fun being in my head lately. I worry that I will screw something up with him, or that I won't love him the way he deserves, or that I will even feel the love for him that every child deserves. I do love him, but it is one of those comfortable loves, almost like you have for a pet, but then my animals are like my kids so that might not be to valid. I just think somedays that I am making a mistake. I have so many feelings about this whole thing that I confuse myself most days. I mean once those papers are signed, he is ours, and there is no going back from that, even though I don't think I could ever do it anyway, there would be no worker to help me, or DSS if things got so bad that we had to give him up. Oh geez the things that are different when you have an older child that your adopting. I don't think that I would go through half of the emotions and thoughts that I am having if we were adopting a newborn or toddler, and I feel so guilty about that. See I told you it was fun in here!!! Good grief!!

Snickers is getting pretty bad with her hips, and I had to take her to the vet this am for more x-rays and some blood work, to see if she really has Lupus like they think. She has lost a lot of weight, and actually walks more on her front legs then her back ones, so I am pretty worried that she is getting to the point where we might have to think about putting herdown. Although that makes me very sad, I think it is the best thing for her, and the only thing is timing. She is Clark's baby, and I know that it kills him every day to see her in so much pain, and he can't bear to let her go yet, so we will see today what the vet says about how bad the hips have gotten, and go from there. P went with me and barfed all over the van, so I had to clean that up, but she weighed in at 50 pounds this time, and today she is 20 weeks old. She is so smart I just love it!! All of the other dogs are doing fine, BB ripped the pad on one of her feet, and I had to tend to that, but the rest of them are staying healthy, which is nice on my wallet!!

Well, off to the eliptical, and then to work... Later....

February 10, 2005

Time Flies....

Well, I know it seems like everytime I say I am going to get here more I seem to fade out, but I have really been busy with work!! I have had some very strange patients, but now I just have 2 that are 3 hours apiece, so that will leave me an hour for lunch, and be done early enough to get Kent off the bus everyday! Snickers has been getting worse everyday, and has been diagnosed with Lupus, so there will be some vet visits in our future. All the other animals seem to be doing great, and the P is growing like a weed!! she is 49 pounds already, and was 19 weeks old on Monday, she is the love of my life, and such a cutie that it has been a riot to watch her grow everyday!! She is so smart and fun!!

Our adoption homestudy was the 28th of January, and everything went great, so now hopefully this thing will move a little faster!! I am getting antsy, and yet still have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole thing... does that sound weird?? It just seems that I started to second guess myself now that it is getting closer... ugh I hate this stuff!!! Oh well, I hope that Clark remembers Valentines Day, and gets me something sweet!! I am gonna get him and Kent something this weekend. Oh well I have to work early, so I am gonna head out!!

January 26, 2005

Starting over??

Well, I have to admit I am scared to death about my orientation tomorrow, and going back to work after almost 3 years of just staying at home and caring for Kent and the house. I am looking forward to it, but dreading it at the same time. I guess in a way I feel like I will be leaving the safety of my four walls and getting into reality once again. I also worry a lot about all of the medical issues that Kent has, and if they will be willing to work around the times I might have to take off. Oh hell, I am just scared of having to be an adult again!! LOL I am sure that sounds weird, but it has been easy to hide from the world when all I had to do was stay at home, and run Kent around or do a few errands. Not to many people realize just how much IF (Infertility) affects the way you see the world. I look around and all I see is people living the life that I want to have, now don't get me wrong, I love Kent very much, and enjoy having him in my life, but there are so many times in my days when I just sit and long to be pregnant, and to have a baby of my own. My mother says that I am just obsessed with the idea of being pregnant, and for along time I thought that maybe that was true, but the more I think about it, I want what I can't have with Kent... a chance to hold that little body, and love him from the day he was born. I guess that in so much as I am lucky to have him here, I feel cheated that his parents had the chance to be there for the moments that I missed. Having him now, and dealing with the "baggage" gets frusterating, and is very depressing at times. I know he feels the same way, and I would love to just be able to erase all of the bad times for him, but hopefully like the bad things that happened to me when I was young, they will serve to make him stronger.

I got to have lunch with a dear friend today, and finally met her new daughter, oh boy did I fall in love!! Holding that little life in my arms just strenghtened my resolve to move on with my IF treatments, and do what I have to to bring a child into my life. It was just so amazing to look into those eyes, and see the innocence and purity, and I didn't have the slightest regret at all for taking her. Most of the time I pass on holding baby's, but this was different, there is no feeling of jealousy or anything. that doesn't happen to often with me, and I am sure that it has to do with the fact that my friend has been where I am now, and she totally understands the pain that I am in. That is one of the things that I am thankful for in my life is that I know so many women from AOL who are going through this right now, or have been through it, who can grasp my feelings and not lecture to me about how I should feel, or what they think I need to do to get pregnant. I mean 13 years is a long time to fight for something, but I can't give up!! UGH, I better stop before this turns into a cry fest!!

Wish me luck tomorrow, I might need it!!! I will have to take my Paxil before I go though... LOL Don't want to have a panic attack the first day!!! :o)

P.S. I almost forgot, our new homestudy is set up for Friday afternoon at 4.. I hope she decides to show up this time!!!