Happy New Year!!!

Well, what can I say?? I for one will not be sad to see this year go. I wish everyone out there who reads me though a very Happy New Year... may it be a Wonderful one for us all.

I honestly hope that those of you on the IF RollerCoaster will have your dreams come true in this new year, as for me, I will just be hoping that things get better in my world!!

Hugs to all of you from me!

Rebel

Slowing down again....

So, Christmas is over and I survived.



We are all sick here except for Clark(ass) so it hasn't been to much of a good weekend/week. I knew when we went to the peds for shots last Tuesday we would bring something home and I was ever so right!! Turtle is coughing like a freak, my throat is raw, I sneeze if I think, and the sinus pressure is freaking unreal!! I shot some saline solution up my right nostril the other night to try to ease some of the snot out, and you would have thought I had shot whiskey up in there!! I almost cried the pain was so bad, so I will assume that I now have a sinus infection on the right side. Oh and Kent is sick to.

I got a call Monday that Kent has been accepted into the program, so now we just wait for the Insurance to come through. We have to wait until the 4th because WeSuck cancelled us as of the end of this year. I told them to just wait until after the new policy went into effect before doing anything. He is still acting like a jerk, and I am still staying away from him, but I can say that the 4th cannot come soon enough.... Winter Break has been hard on me!!

I have a little bit of an issue that I need to discuss also..... It seems that I may have a dishonest person reading my blog... Shocker I know right. As most of you know I sent out Christmas cards to those who asked, well I had one come back today. Now why would you give me the wrong address to mail you a card if you were a real person, and honestly wanted one? Unless of course you aren't who you say you are, or have an ulterior motive for even being here. I have actually long wondered about this person, and am not sure where to take this, so if any of you wonderful folks out there have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Well it is late here, and I am exausted. I will try to get back in a day or so to update you on some other things that have been up, nothing major just stuff I need to get off my chest!!

Hugs to you all,
Rebel

Merry Christmas??

So, the cards went out to all who asked, and to my fellow Braces Bunchers. Clark was dying laughing that I had so many cards going out to people I had never met, but I just told him that sisters in arms is what we all are and to shut up!!

I have gotten all of my Xmas shopping done, and actually some for the Turtles B-day next month... Speaking of which, my little girl will be 2 in less then a month, could someone PLEASE tell me where all that time went?? I saw someone post on a blog (sorry can't remember which one, I read so freaking many!!) about how slowly the time goes when you are trying for babies, but then how the clock just starts spinning once they are here! It is so true. Those 14 1/2 years went by so painfully slow that I remember so much of it, it is hard not to! But the last 2 years... shit I hardly remember the time going by like it does now, ever!! It literally seems like yesterday that I was bitching about starving and begging for Taco Bell an hour before I pushed the Turtle out. Now I am planning a second birthday party for the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me (Clark runs a very close second, but to be real, the Turtle beats him out every time!). I have gone nuts buying for her for Christmas, it is sick really!! Clark teases me that I am living vicariously through her... and why shouldn't I? She has turned into the cutest little girl, and I am so sad that in just a few weeks my Turtle will no longer be a baby, but a full blown little girl. :o(

Kent, yes Kent, he has still been causing problems more then you can imagine. His appointment last week went ok, still no new cancer growth, so that is good. I didn't stay his whole appointment because during one of the docs visits he told me to shut up that it wasn't my appointment and I needed to mind my own business. I got up and left and didn't go back in until I had to help him change his pants because he shit in them and couldn't clean himself up. His Oncology team refused to write letters of medical necessity for him to get into the Rehab center, and I was not only shocked and surprised, but very angry with the way they treated me and the admissions liaison that was there from the center. You would have thought we were trying to lock the kid up in an insane asylum or something with the way they acted. It is my opinion that they have lost all objectivity as his physicians, and no longer see him as a patient, but their friend. That night he got rude with me because I took away his power strip, now mind you he had been warned about watching TV in the middle of the night because it wakes up the Turtle, so when I went down the hall to her room at 4 AM and saw that he was up watching TV, I told him I would be taking it. When we got home that night I think he thought I had forgotten and was going to let him skate... ummm not so much!! He flipped out when I went in his room and took it and started calling me names. Clark told him that he wouldn't tolerate that kind of shit and if he didn't like it he could get the hell out of the house. I actually poured a bucket of cold water over him after he called me an Effing Whore, that really pissed him off!! The, next night Thursday Clark tried to sit him down to talk to him about respecting us if he planned on living here until he went to the Rehab place. Kent immediately told him that he wasn't going to talk to him in front of "That Bitch" meaning me, and things escalated until he Kent was swearing and calling Clark names. I actually had to leave after all was said and done because I was so upset by the disrespect and names that he was throwing around. I sat at the table doing my Christmas cards and crying for 45 minutes before Clark came out and told me I needed to go somewhere and settle down. I hate it when he makes me this way because it really bothers the Turtle. When I was sitting on the couch with tears running down my face, she kept wiping them away with her blanket, and watched me with a worried look on her face. I really do try not let her see that I am upset about something, but lately that has been really hard to do. Needless to say he went to a friends house on Friday and didn't bother to come home until Monday after school. I cannot tell you guys how DONE I am with this situation. He has pushed me over the edge, and I cannot go back. I told Clark I just wanted him gone, I don't care where he goes, but I cannot have him living in my home acting like this. I can hardly eat or sleep anymore, and the docs are worried about all the weight I am losing. I have tried so hard to help him, but I just can't do it anymore. I know some of you may not be able to understand this, but it this analogy is as close as I can get: Kent is like an alcoholic, he gets drunk and does mean things, but gets up the next morning and tells you he is sorry. Well after about 500 times of this, you really get sick of the "I am sorry's", but absolutely no change in behavior, so you have to walk away. I am not one of those people who is going to choose to stick around and be treated like shit just because he wants to lash out at me for no reason. Trust me when I tell you that therapy has done us no good because he doesn't see that HE has any issues, and the therapist told me that until he realizes that he has problems he will not change. So maybe us letting him go will force a change, but I am not so sure. Kent thrives on the pity that he gets when people see him in his wheelchair, he feeds on the attention that it gets him, and frankly that makes me ill. So, that is it, he has to go and be an adult somewhere where they will hopefully show him that he needs to work on himself, and this house isn't it any longer. We have put our lives on hold for him long enough.

The above is just the tip of the ice burg so to speak with him, and if I told you guys everything that was going on, it would be the longest post in the history of Blogger!!

Sorry this is so all over the place, but it has been really hard to try to put all my thoughts together in one paragraph that even begins to make sense!

Before I end this, I want to give a shout out to my Secret Santa Buddy from the Braces Bunch... Thanks sweetie the Angel was amazing, and the hot cocoa was fantastic!!!

I am not sure if I will post again before Christ mas, so if I don't I want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday Season, no matter which one you celebrate, I hope it is a good one!!

Hugs,
Rebel

Christmas Cards....Updated... Again!!

I don't normally do this, but we made the cutest card this year, and I would LOVE to share it with some of you. Now mind you the card has our pictures and real names on it, so if you get one you will have to keep that little nugget to yourself!!! If anyone really wants you can Email me at BabyDustDreams@aol.com. Don't be scared to ask, because I won't turn anyone away, just remember it will have pictures of the Turtle on it, so for some that in THAT place and may not feel comfortable, I TOTALLY understand!! Love you all, and I will have an update soon!! Hugs!!

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OK, I guess a post like this brings out the freaks... If you read this blog and are a VALID person, then send an email to the link listed above, otherwise you are not getting anything... geez!!

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Come on Guys, I know you're out there, and you know you want to see this jacked up Infertile family in all our pictorial glory!! :o) Like I said don't be scared to ask, I am more then willing to send them out if you want one!!!

Hugs,
Rebel

Yes, I know....

That it has been a very long time since I update, and as Kibbles commented, she needs her Turtle fix!!

Turtle turned 22 months old a few weeks back, and has been more of a joy as of late. She is totally blossoming as a little girl. She is talking more and more, and loves to tell us everything is "Hot, Hot" or "Uh Oh" She has a cold right now, and also has all 4 of her molars coming in so to say that we have had some long nights would be pretty accurate!! Right now we are going through a Barney and Caillou addiction phase, it is so hard to break them of the shows that they love! She is still the most amazing little thing, and keeps us in stitches all the time!

Now for the Kent update.....

I had a horribly long post typed up about the things that have transpired in the last couple of weeks since I wrote, but I think it might just be to much to go into right now. Kent turned 18 in early October, and promptly lost his mind. There have police involved, Social Service visits, and many other things going on. We actually had to have him arrested for trying to stab me with a pair of scissors. Needless to say, Kent is going to be going to live in a group home for awhile while he gets himself together. I am at a point where I cannot have him here around the Turtle because I constantly worry for her safety and ours. I have been having such a hard time with all of this, but I cannot turn him lose on the world the way that he is right now, he would be dead within a year I just know it.

Clark and I have owned up to our part in his behavior. We spent so many years trying to make up for all the abuse and trauma he suffered as a little boy by giving him all the things that he wanted. Along that road we seemed to have added to the sense of entitlement that he already had from his birth family giving in to him to allay their guilt about his illness. So now that the Turtle is here and we have ramped up our efforts to making him be more and more responsible for himself, the more hateful he becomes because in his mind we are "tossing him aside" just like the rest of his family did. He is becoming more resentful of her everyday, and that scares me. He told the therapist that we treat him like crap since Turtle was born, but I told him and the therapist that was Bullshit. We started having problems with him when he was in the 7th grade, and we started pushing Independence on him more. This is nothing new, he just has another person to blame it on.

I can only hope that the place he is going will help him, and one day he will understand what we are doing. He needs to grow up and be a Man. He needs to learn to care for his body, and his mind. I have done what I can, and the more of a wall I hit with him the more frustrated I get. I am hoping that a completely ambivalent 3rd party will help him to see what he needs to do to care for himself. I hope.

Clark and I are doing well, I am on an extra medication to deal with the anxiety attacks that I have been having since all of this started, but Clark as always has been my rock. He has held me many a nights in the last few weeks while I just cry. Things are getting for me though now that there is an end in site to removing some of the stress in the house.

Our Thanksgiving was nice. My dad and stepmother were here. It was great having them as it was the first time they had seen the Turtle. While the visit was short, it was nice just the same.

So, in short, I am still here, just stressed out and not much feeling like blogging about it all the time. I have been keeping up with my reading though, just not much into doing the writing part of things. I miss you all, and hope that you had Wonderful Thanksgivings!!

Hello Again...

It has been a month since I posted about the trifecta, and frankly I have sat here a hundred times to update, but it all felt so wrong... I mean who wants to listen to me bitch every post?? I honestly don't have much to say right now, everything is still the same, with a temper tantrum (on my part, causing the dump to receive an end table, and what was left of our spare phone), a verbal fight or two with Clark, and further complications with Kent and his attitude.

Kent turned 18 almost 2 weeks ago, so according to his train of thought, I have lost about another 100 I.Q. points. I am still struggling a lot with his attitude and unwillingness to pay attention to his personal hygiene needs, it drives me bat shit crazy that he is so neglectful of his body. We have upped therapy from every 2 weeks to once a week, and it still doesn't seem to be helping. They talk about things that hurt him, then he takes all his anger out on me and Clark because of it. Today we see the physcologist to change his meds... the Lex*pro is just not working. He has become more hateful, spiteful, and rude since he has been on it, and I am beginning to think that the bad is far outweighing the good when it comes to this med. So, hopefully she will change it.

Turtle is doing very well. She was 21 months old on Saturday, and it was all I could do not to just sit and hold her all day long. She is so much of a joy most of the time. Her giggles warm my heart, and watching her play with Clark is more amazing then I ever imagined it could be. That little girl loves her daddy so much!! Of course she has more then enough of my personality to cause her some issues.... we butt heads all the time!! :o) She is very stubborn, and persistent when she wants something that it is wearing me out to do battle with her all day long. She loves to be outside playing, which has been undo able the last few days due to weather, so she has been even more of a terror then normal! She really is amazing though, she is so smart, and keeps us guessing all the time. I am introducing the potty, and she was running around the house naked as a jay bird the other day.... we did the potty sit every 15 minutes, and nothing. I was watching the stove for dinner, and peaked around the corner to see why she was so quiet..... She had lifted her leg and was peeing on the bookshelf!!! Hmmm maybe we need to keep her from watching the dogs outside so much.

No decision about the embies yet. I have had to keep myself in check a few times, like when Clark asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Gee, that didn't need to be asked. I am however taking steps to move in the donation direction if that is what we come to. I would rather have a plan in place then have to start when we decide. I am doing ok for the most part. It is still a struggle every day, but I try very hard to just focus on the Turtle and what I do have then the Maybes and What Ifs.

So there you have it. Nothing major, just the same old crap. I do want to send a special thanks out to everyone who commented and emailed me asking if everything was ok. I am just not sure what I would do if I didn't know that you were all out there rooting for me. I promise I will try hard not to stay gone so long again.

With much Love!!!

Trifecta Saturday

I sat in a really hot tub last night and let my tears fall. I had a very bad day yesterday, and it only seemed to get worse as the day wore on.



Clark and I are hardly speaking, and that hurts me a lot, but I can't accept his answer anymore then I could accept the negative Beta's. I know that he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but really all he is doing is breaking mine. I am starting to get a tad bit resentful of the fact that he gets to be the one to say no when it comes to trying again, even if he isn't thinking about it with his ovaries like I am. He actually asked me as we were standing in the kitchen, being forcefully quiet so as not to alert the younger ears in the house about the ensuing argument, why I hated him for making the choice for me. I got instantly and insanely angry with him for thinking the whole thing even had anything to do with him. I stood in front of him and punched myself in the abdomen several times, crying and telling him it wasn't him that I hated it was these organs inside of me that couldn't be bothered to do what they were put there to do that I hated. I don't think that helped my cause any with him, but it is the truth. I would give anything to be able to just ovulate, have sex, and get pregnant like the Majority of this planet, but since that isn't in my cards, I will just continue to beat myself up... emotionally... most of the time.



Because of the tension in the house, I had decided to take Turtle to the park with a friend. She is my best friend in most ways, but it has seemed to me that over the last few months that our relationship has been fading. She always seems to be angry with me about something, real or imagined. Her and her husband have started making a lot of snotty comments about the way Clark and I spend our money... suggesting that we think we are better then they are. I in no way shape or form think that, I just cannot help it that we have made sound financial investments, such as a savings account, instead of buying cars that we don't really need or can afford. Examples of things she has said...



1. That the only reason I didn't want to drive to Bingo every Sunday night is because I didn't want to put the miles on my 1200.00 dollar tires. Are you kidding me?? I drive a Mazda 5 and they come with low profile tires, it was the one thing we didn't like about the car, but hey it is just one thing so we decided to roll with it. Now I am sorry if Clark REFUSES to put cheap ass tires on the car that will carry is daughter and wife around.... ain't happening. So it just happened that the total for ordering, mounting, balancing, and all that jazz was $1200.00. Sorry if I have that in the bank.



2. That Clark and I don't rent from Blockbuster because it is the poor peoples video store. Actually I have hated Blockbuster for years. They charged me late fees for movies I had returned, rented me messed up movies, and were just generally IMO not worth the freaking pain in the ass that they were. Besides if I want to see a movie that damn bad I will pay-per-view it for less then I can rent it.



3. That Clark and I are trying to make them look bad because the play set that we are buying the Turtle is $3500.00, and theirs was only $1100.00 (on sale) Again we go back to the savings thing, we have saved for this play set, and aren't even purchasing it until the spring hoping the price will go down. Let me tell you that any park that we go to out here is at least a 20 MINUTE FREAKING DRIVE from our house!!!! So I am sorry that you feel I am trying to out do you when all I am trying to do is make sure that my daughter has a play set that will keep her entertained for more then 5 flipping minutes, deleting my need for driving all over hell and back so she can play on a damn slide.



4. This one cut me to the heart, and really in my mind has pretty much ended my ability to trust her. She made the comment that I sucked as a mother. Her reason for saying that was simply because I wouldn't let the Turtle have a CapriSun. I was stunned beyond belief when she said it because I had not realized until that very moment that the quality of my mothering, hinged on my letting my child drink from a juice box. We only give Turtle JuicyJuice, or water, and those are served in a sippy cup. So, basically after all the years of trying for her and finally getting the Turtle, I am letting her down because I will not allow her to have butt loads of sugar, from a foil pouch. If only I had known that the success or failure of my mothering skills would hinge on that one little act, I would have done it differently from the get go. Of course I mean all of that last sentence sarcastically, but she was serious when she said it, not a hint of a smile or anything. I am hurt that she seems to think that I am a bad mom because of this one little thing, however I have a feeling that she has had that opinion for awhile and just has decided to speak it out loud now.



So, back to yesterday... we were involved in another problem at a park when an older girl was pushing her son down. She threw a tantrum, snatched her kids and took off, after being there for all of 15 minutes and hardly saying a word to me. As I sat there stunned, and not know what to say to the other people sitting with me, she called my cell to tell me she was not going to let some hoodlum kid beat her kids up while I apparently didn't even seem to care or notice that she was pushing my daughter down, because I was to busy running my mouth talking to another mother to be bothered to pay attention. I was stunned because I had been watching Turtle the WHOLE time and the girl never even touched her once. Trust me when I tell you that if she had, I would have known because the Turtle is so funny right now that if you even bump up against someone while carrying her, she will loose her shit. She hates to be touched by strangers. She then told me that she was going to another park, and IF I choose to I could join her there. HUH?? I seriously don't get what is going on, and I am getting pretty hard pressed to continue this relationship.

After she left I called my mom to vent to her, only my brother answered the phone. He told me that my mother was out grocery shopping, but would be back soon. Then he dropped the bomb...

"So, are you ready to be an aunt again?"

I instantly started crying, and he said to me "Well, damn don't be so happy for us." I kept crying and told him that I was happy for them, but that I had already had a very crappy day. I got off the phone and tried to dry my tears, but I just couldn't do it. I love my brother and my SIL, I really do, but they live with my parents, have a hard time holding jobs, and already have one totally out of control 5 year old daughter, so yeah I am a little hard pressed to be over the moon happy for them. He actually had the audacity to tell me he didn't know how it had happened since he can't remember having sex anytime in the last few weeks. Great. So, I am doubly upset because I am sure that she is about how many weeks I would have been had our FET worked.

When I got home, Clark instantly knew something was wrong, and he literally choked when I told him about my brother. The only thing he could do was tell me he was sorry and hug me.

So all in all, things for me just keep managing to get shittier by the day, and I am honestly beginning to wonder if the Universe is punishing me for something. Just when I think I have a grasp on things, the other shoe drops, and not softly, but like a damn a-bomb.

I know you all probably think I am a freaking lunatic, and honestly right now I am beginning to wonder myself. I cannot thank all of you who have commented enough though, no matter what you say, because it lets me know that I am not really alone in all of this, and that I do have "friends" out there who love me. The support that I get from my Internets helps me make it through the day with a smile on my face, and some peace in my heart. Hugs to all of you out there, and may this week be a good one for all of us!!

A phone call can change everything......

My cell phone rang today with news that broke my heart in so many ways.

The couple that we had chosen to adopt our embryo's found out that due to medical complications she will not be able to pursue pregnancy. My heart broke into a million pieces for her. I cried for her loss. I hurt so deeply for her, even though she assures me she will be fine.

Then something happened on the rest of my ride home.. that Bitch, Hope snuck in my heart, and I started thinking about things that I had worked through. I was really so ready for her to give those embies a chance that I hadn't thought about the possibility of it not happening. Deep in me a thought occurred..... We can try again. Of course I knew within the same second that I had the thought that it was not going to happen, because I knew that Clark would never go for it.

I guess that it was written all over my face because he hadn't been in the door 10 minutes before he was asking me what was wrong. I told him I didn't want to talk just then. As the night wore on, and Turtle was her normal self, I shed a lot of tears as I knew what I was going to ask of him, and what his answer would be in return, and watching her just made my hurt worse.

After Turtle kissed me goodnight and Clark put her in bed, the tears fell down my cheeks freely. Clark sat next to me and said "Lets talk about this." I cried harder and told him I didn't want to because I already knew what he was going to say, and I couldn't handle hearing it. After about five minutes I told him that I wanted to try again with the frozen embryo's, and just as I thought he said no. He told me... "This is not good for us. It isn't good for you, or our family, and I will not do it again." I knew that he was going to say that, but it didn't make the pain in my heart any less.

I didn't know a wound could reopen up and hurt so deeply. I can honestly say that for months I hadn't thought of those embies as mine. They belonged to her and her husband. They were our DNA, but they were going to have another set of parents who were going to give them the chance at a life my body seems incapable of. Yet, with that one call, they came back to me, and I was momentarily overwhelmed with love that I didn't know I still had for them. It surprised even me that I was so willing to jump back into the hell that I had so vehemently sworn off just a few short weeks ago.

I guess that is what Infertility gave me.... the hope that I hold in my heart, but a reality that never will be.

Answer to Anon/N

I will admit that when I first read this comment I was angry, but a little time spent mulling it over prompted me to answer your questions in a polite way so that I will hopefully help you understand the posts I have been writing about my grief.

Your first question/comment:

But you have a little daughter, right? That's so fantastic and so many ladies are wishing for that.

Yes, I have a daughter. After 14 1/2 years of putting myself through hell, I did get the Golden Ticket, and I have lived every day knowing just how lucky I am. However, you need to understand that along with that ticket came an enormous amount of guilt. I have guilt every day that I have gotten the opportunity to carry, bear, and bring home a child, when there are so many out there who have not, or will not ever get to experience it. I cry for my friends almost daily when they struggle so hard to get what I have, and sometimes fall short. You can never understand this hurt unless you yourself have been there... look around at the parenting after Infertility bogs... you will see it all over I promise you.

It would be best to focus on what you have rather than what you do not have.

Please do not assume for one minute that I do not focus daily on my daughter and everything that goes into raising her and being her mother. I do however have a deep longing to have another child that I can mother the same way. My longing and wanting grows deeper everyday when I see all of the amazingness that is the Turtle. I am not sure what your struggle with Infertility is, but I can tell you that most women are not satisfied with just one child once they have experienced the joys of mothering. I swore that if the Universe gave me just one that I wouldn't ask again, but as soon as I had the Turtle and looked into those amazing blue eyes of hers, I wanted it all over again. My pain is more now then it was before the Turtle, because frankly I didn't know what I was missing. I used to get pissy when women who had children already talked about the suffering that they went through trying to have more. I get it now. I REALLY get it.

The situation with your 17 year old sounds very difficult indeed. I'm sorry you are going through that. Can you get any help from your community (i.e. any support groups like Teen Community Center? in your area)?All the best to you, N.

I want you to know that I have done EVERYTHING short of having my son committed and/or disrupting our adoption to help him. To answer your question yes, I have tried to find support groups and the like, but we live in a very rural area where there aren't many teens like him, not to mention support groups period. I haven't come close to posting all of the hell that we have been through with him for the simple fact that it would take me hours, and I don't really feel the need to put every little bit of my business with him out there, just know that my struggle is more then you will ever know.

I honestly hope that this explains some things to you, but I really think that you need to go back and read more of my blog, just the last few posts isn't likely to help you understand my struggles.

Yesterday.....

I thought I might actually be on the mend. Accepting things were going to be what they were, and beginning to move on.

Then I stepped in the doors of BabiesRUs, and that mending was replaced with the grief and anger I thought I had come close to tucking away.

The Bellies.

The newborns.

Even with the Turtle in the cart it was just all to much for me, and I had to literally grab what I needed and get out in less then 5 minutes (a personal best I might add).

I am trying so hard to put this away, but every time I sign in to my message boards, they are there to. The pregnancy announcements. The belly pics. I cry at them all.

I get a little mad at myself, because some of the good news comes from fellow IVFers who more then deserve to be getting great news. It still gets me though. Why them and not me?? I get a huge pang of jealousy when I read of a BFP. I cry about them actually, more then I really wanted to admit.

The stores are loaded with Bellies right now to, and I swear the other day at WallyWorld, there was a personal attack against me... I mean I literally counted 48 pregnant woman with obvious bellies..... it made my heart race, my eyes well up, and my stomach hurt every damn time one of them walked towards me.

I am trying so hard to accept my fate and yet it seems the harder I try the more I fail. I have considered not leaving the house, but at this point in life it isn't feasible for me to hide out here.

On the home front things are getting more difficult with Kent.

I had to take him to the Psychologist yesterday. Friday AM after a fight the night before I told him that he either started seeing someone and get medicated or he had to get out of the house. I think that he is so filled with self hate right now that he is literally trying to kill himself by neglecting his body. I can't do it anymore, and I spent the whole week trying to find somewhere where he can get the help that I can't obviously provide for him. Bawling on the phone to more then one person about how I need him to get help. There was nothing anyone could do I was told over and over.

The doc put him on meds, and we will see how he titers up. Frankly I am not sure that this is going to work, because as we all know you have to want to help yourself, meds or not, and I don't think he truly does.

To say that I am stressed out would be like saying that the a-bomb was a 22 bullet. My blood pressure is very high, my stomach hurts all day long, and I can hardly sleep anymore. I really wonder which I will be planning his graduation or his funeral. So, we are on our own with this 17 year old boy who is hell bent on destroying the rest of his body and no one else gives a shit. Thanks DSS.

I miss blogging, but I just don't find the joy in it that I used to. I am thinking of taking a long break, or possibly starting a new blog... not really sure yet what I need to do.

Right now, I just keep thinking about Yesterdays.

Working....

I can't seem to find to find myself right now.

I have been avoiding so many places, family and friends.

It just seems surreal that I have to accept the end when I don't know how to.

I thought I had all of this under control.

I lied to myself and everyone else when I said I could just walk away from trying without heartbreak.

Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe it actually.

The pictures of Turtle from the beginning bring so many tears... both of happiness and then sadness.

I really am trying to find my way out of this cloud, but the sun just isn't getting through right now.

Sorting.....

I sorted the Turtles baby things today.

I felt my heart breaking as I held those tiny little outfits in my hands.

They will never again be worn by a child of mine.

I set a few of my favorite outfits and toys aside for her when she grows up.

I am having a yard sale next week to get rid of all things infant.

I just can't have them in my face, taunting me with what will never be.

I really fucking hate Infertility.

Beta....

Snap, Krackle and Pop decided not to hang around.

Beta Negative

It is over.

No More TTC.

We are actually home from the vacation that never happened, and I am working on that post, but for right now I need time.

PUPO... for the Last Time....

So.... Snap, Krackle & Pop made it "home" safe and sound yesterday morning. The whole thing was almost bittersweet know it will be the last time I will see the nurses who work in the retrieval/transfer area. The cell counts were good with an 8 cell, and 2 7 cells. All 3 got assisted hatching done right before they were transferred. Now I just sit back and wait for my Beta on the 5th.

Clark has had a little bit of a bad week. Monday he hit a deer with his car, so we had it put in the shop, not much damage really, but just enough. So yesterday he takes the van that we use to drive Kent in, and ends up calling me at 4:30 to inform me that he is broken down along the freeway and I need to get him a tow. So I did, and the $500 deductible that we didn't have to pay due to the deer being an "act of God", we now have to shell out plus some for the vans water pump!! Good times I tell you!! I told him that he had to walk to work on Friday for fear of him making it a trifecta!!

Kent actually left the house today. He road the handicap bus system and went out to a movie. Although Clark will have to pick him up as he misjudged the time that his movie was going to end, and the last bus out to this end of the county runs at 4pm. It worked out for him because Clark will be in town dropping his truck off and picking up the van. I know it was a little off timing, but it was an attempt at something towards him being more independent... never mind that we have been telling him to do this for 2 years!! :o)

Oh I almost forgot, I guess my whining to you guys about his surgery date must have been heard by "someone" we now have a surgery date for Kent of the 24th of August. The bad thing.... school starts the 25th. I will have to let the school know, but his recovery time should be minimal. I also told them to leave us on the cancellation list just in case we can get in earlier!!

Well, I am off to rest as much as I can with a very high maintenance 18 month old!!! Hugs to the Internets!!

To Many Irons in My Fire...

To say that I intended to not blog for so long would be like stating that I hate to sleep... but in fact I have not done much of either recently. I honestly don't know which is worse at this point! I truly hate that I have been so busy that I cannot find the time to sit and write here, this is my space, the one I come to when I need stress relief, and to just plain bitch about things. To be honest with you there has been both stress and the need to bitch about it. I have some serious things that I am dealing with, and so I thought I would finally put them out there in the hopes that A) you will all forgive me for being gone so long, and B) I just need to tell you all what has been going on.

The Turtle is doing great for the most part. She had a really bad fall on the 10th which had me running her to the ER for fear that she had broken her nose. Nose is fine, but she was sporting a nice pair of black eyes for a few days. She also bit right through her lip to when she fell, and I can tell you that the sight of blood coming from her face was enough to send me into a shear panic. Oh and not to mention it was mostly my fault that she fell, so that added to the massive guilt that I felt as she cried for her daddy when he came through the ER doors, almost gave me a breakdown. I hope you will trust that she is OK, as she is rapidly doing harm to a TootsiePop as I type this. We also had her 18 month well baby visit last Friday morning, and she is doing just fine. 33 3/4 inches long, 22.5 pounds, and doing most of the milestones for her age. She was however dx'd with a mild case of cystic exema on her foot... never heard of that before that day, but oh well, lots of lotion will do the trick.

Kent is trying my patience with his attitude, and blatant disrespect. He will not leave his room, and while I know this is part of being 17, for him it just isn't healthy. I am really becoming concerned about where he will be in 5 years, and it bodes badly for all involved. He has no motivation at all, but then has the nerve to be mad at his friends when hey tell him they are busy... yeah well they have cars, girlfriends, and jobs, they don't want to sit around and play video games with him all day. I just cannot get him to understand that they are changing and leaving him behind because he refuses to move on with them.
On the surgery front, still no word. They called the 9th and left a message on my cell (which doesn't ring here at the house... uh duh we live in the BOONIES, and I have told them to only call the house) for him to have surgery on the 10th. I was really irritated that the whole thing got messed up. I can't help but think had we been at the hospital that morning Turtle wouldn't have had her fall... hmm. Guess I will never know.

Clark hasn't been feeling well, and then came home one day to tell me that he thought he needed to lay off the coffee because it was making him jittery. When I asked him to define jittery, he said it was like his heart was racing. The next day he tells me that he started having chest pain at work, and then he took a 3 hour nap, which he NEVER does. I was on the phone the next Monday making an appointment for him with our PCP. Our PCP was on vacation, so he had to see another doc in the practice. His BP when he was there was 150/110, and they did an EKG. EKG looked ok, and they gave him a new med and told him to follow up with our reg. doc. That follow up was last Friday, and he has been feeling crappy since. The doc did a chest x-ray, ordered a stress test, blood work, and changed all of his meds. So now we wait until this coming Friday to find out those results, and the results of the blood work they did. I am honestly scared because this isn't the first heart related scare he has had. The poor man has been on BP meds since he was 27 and has never gotten sufficient control from them.

So, as you can see between all of this and our upcoming FET, things have gotten really insane here...

Oh and speaking of FET's, today was ThawDay and I am happy to report that Snap, Krackle, and Pop all made the thaw and are looking fantastic for tomorrows transfer. It has been a long road. Some days I wasn't sure I could take one more needle or bruise, but I am really hoping and praying that this will all be worth it in about oh... about 10 months.

I have had so many people tell me how brave they think I am, but I don't feel brave at all. Some days I feel downright desperate, I mean who in their right mind would do this to themselves?? Oh yeah, this is me we are talking about, the Queen of Never Satisfied Land. I can only hope and pray that this cycle works because this is it, the last one. No More. We have in fact already chosen another couple to donate our remaining Totcicles to, and started the paperwork. So in a way tomorrow will be very emotional for me, more so then normal, because these little guys are my last hope. So please send up a little something to whoever you send your thoughts to, and ask them for some help getting at least one of these little ones to hang out. I can honestly tell you thought that no matter what I am ready for it to go either way. I have done all I can to get pregnant again, and no matter how this ends, I will be fine.

Thanks for letting me catch up, I will let you all know how the transfer goes tomorrow... until then.... Hugs to all my internet friends!!!

BlackSheep...

As a child I tried to be independent, happy and carefree. My parents were unhappy with each other and not such great parents, which tends to happen when you get pregnant at sixteen and were forced to marry! They are both better off married to the people they have now!! To be honest that start, and things that happened to me through my childhood, good and bad, have shaped the person that I am today. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me, and they would had if I had not had some very special people take an interest in pulling me out of the downward spiral that I was in.

I was therefore colored as the BlackSheep of the family. Frankly I think that even as a 3rd grader the signs of Bi-Polar were there, but they didn't know much about it then, and still won't diagnose kids that young now. Looking back though, it was all there.

So, as I said because I was a little "off", I became the BlackSheep. If I was around, things got blamed on me, even if I didn't do them. We spent a lot of time living with relatives after my parents divorced, due to the fact that my dad was in the Army, and constantly off "defending" his country. I call it running from single fatherhood, but you know how the "greats" never do anything wrong.

As a teen I became overweight, hated school, and for the most part hated life. I attempted suicide several times, and was depressed most of the time. I ended up in residential treatment programs several times due to my depression and attempts to end things. Those places were what changed me. I became aware that the issues that I had weren't really mine, I mean they were, but they stemmed from the things that were done to me as a child. Sexual, physical, and mental abuse can ruin you if you let it. I made the choice not to let it. Of course by then it was to late, things had been set in motion that had labeled me in the family.

I still made some dumb choices... you know like getting married twice just because I could.. that ended badly both times. By the time I met Clark, I really knew what I wanted and needed in a husband, even thought I was only 19. I was still married to #2 when I met Clark, but he knew all about everything and chose to take me on with all of the issues that I had. He saved me, and I do mean that in the figurative and literal sense of the word. I think that had he not entered my life when he did, I wouldn't be here today, or if I was, I would be in a very different place. He accepted me for who I was, no questions asked. I have never felt good enough for him though, just so you know, those pesky little self esteem issues refuse to let my brain accept that someone could love me for me, not what they could take or get out of me. He really is the most amazing person I swear!!

Ok, I got off track.... Back to being the BlackSheep.... So, things in my extended family have never been easy for me. I have always felt uncomfortable when I go back home for big family gatherings, but it really has pained me when I didn't go. I felt like everyone was watching and waiting for me to do something stupid just so they could say that I hadn't changed.

I have not shared a lot about our infertility with most of my family. Those closest to me know what we had to go through to get the Turtle. The main reason I kept quiet was because I knew they would judge me and blame what was now a physical problem on some of my past indiscretion's, even though they have nothing to do with my IF... you know how families can be.

A few years ago before IVF and the Turtle, I went to a family gathering with Kent, and it was all some family could do to not be openly rude about the fact that we had adopted a handicapped child... I said fuck them, and I still do. I love Kent with all my heart, and I don't see him as that poor little handicapped kid they all seemed to have seen.

I promise I am going somewhere with this....

So after all these years and struggles, I have gained a lot of the family back that I lost when I was little. Most of them tell me how proud they are that I made something good out of what started so bad. I have a wonderful life, an amazing husband, and 2 beautiful children. I really have come so far from that scared teen of just 17 short years ago.

So, it really hit me hard and out of the blue a few weeks ago when I found out that my favorite cousin "D" had been telling people from the day Turtle was born that she didn't think the Turtle was my biological daughter, and if we had admitted that we adopted Kent then why couldn't we admit we had adopted her.

Yeah I know right... she put me out there, and I have really struggled with this news every since. I have drafted a hundred letters to her in my heart and in email... none of them sent of course because I worry. I worry about what people will think if I react so strongly to her accusation. Will they think it is true. Not that I give a shit about what they think, but I don't want what I say to affect the families feelings about Turtle. She is my biological child, I mean hell the kid is the spitting image of me really, and most of you here know what I went through to get her here.

I am angry and hurt that this cousin would say such a thing, she was the last person I expected this from, and honestly it has really cut me very deeply. I don't know what to do about it, as I will most likely see her in a few weeks when we go on vacation, and I am honestly not sure I can keep from beating her ass!! I refuse to let her take what I went through to get where I am today with my girl and trash it. I just won't do it. At first I was hurt about the whole thing, and now I am just plain angry. I mean this woman has a husband who is nice, and 4 beautiful children so why in the hell does she need to pick on me??

Dear sweet Internets, I really want to cause her bodily harm for tarnishing such an amazing part of my life with her big mouth. I will not though because that is what would be expected of me. You see I learned a very important lesson this week.... No matter how you change, grow up, and become a better person, people will always judge you by your past.

So, it still seems as though I am and will forever be the BlackSheep no matter how much I change, and as much as that sucks, I really don't give a shit anymore, because I have what I have always wanted... A Wonderful Life!!!

Heparin, Estrogen, and Totcicles... Oh My!!!!!

Let the FET begin!!!

To tell you the truth the whole thing seems rather anticlimactic. No U/S, no visit to the clinic, no blood work, just a phone call with the IVF nurse.

I had to laugh when I called her on Tuesday morning to tell her that I had been visited by the Red Tide, because I still had one Provera pill to take. She had scheduled her to visit this coming Saturday or Sunday... don't they know by now that my uterus refuses to be on their or my schedule by now?? So, this morning I started my Heparin injections (50 units) twice a day, and the Vivelle patches.

Hope is in the house, but I have her ass firmly duck taped, gagged, and stuffed in a closet. So, yeah she is here, but I am not letting her have her way with me just yet.

I will go in for B/W and U/S's on the 17th and 20th. Transfer is scheduled for the 22nd. We will be doing 3 embies ( if they make the thaw) with Assisted Hatching.

We leave for vacation on the 31st of July, and I will be in Utah for Beta day, August 5th, hopefully I will be able to just have my draw done at a lab out there with the results called to me by the docs.

Of course if you have been following me for any amount of time, you know that I will have POAS before Beta day, making it just a formality. I have decided that if the pee sticks are negative, then I will just wait til I get back after the 8th to go in. However, if by some miracle they are positive then I will go ahead and get the draw done out there.

So, there you have it... the game has begun. I am still working on that post I promised you all, but life has intervened once again, with the In laws here this past weekend, and our Internet being crazy, today was the first day that I have been able to sit here for more the 10 minutes w/o issues of some kind. I am working on it though.

Hugs to you all, and welcome to the Braces Bunchers just joining me!!

Finding Time

I can't seem to find the time or the energy to update these days. The summer has gotten started here, and the vacation reservations have been made. Most of my days are spent thinking to the future and what it may or may not hold, not to mention dealing with a very independent yet needy toddler. I am going to do this bullet style since there are a few updates that I need to give you. Here goes....

• Kent had his U/S and followup on the 10 of June, and he does in fact have a hydrocele that needs to be operated on... sometime soon. The original plan was for it to be in July, but when I called the scheduler, she said it may be some time in late August... not bad for an emergent procedure huh?? I meant that last statement with all the sarcasm I could muster. I still strongly dislike his doc, and she still makes me want to scream.



• Turtle was 17 months old on the 17th and still continues to amaze me.



• The In-Laws called last week and said they are coming out this week, so I will be very busy cleaning house the next few days. Oh the joy I am looking forward to with this visit... not. This is the MIL that has no filter, so I am sure that I will be back in a week to regal you with her wonderful and loving comments to me whilst she is here. :o)



• My birthday is quickly approaching, and I am really not ready for it.... to me it is not just one year older, but one more year on a calender to remind me of all the things that I wished I had been able to do before now.



• As I said above, the vacation plans are all in order, and we will be leaving here July 31st, and returning home August 8th. I will be attending a party for my grandparents in my home state, and then we will be going on to see the In-Laws at their house... 2 doses of MIL in less then 6 weeks... shoot me now please. Oh, and our plans were made and solidified before they decided to come out here, so as far as canceling that leg of our trip.... not an option.



• I will start Provera this Wednesday night in preparation for this upcoming FET cycle. A week on that and hopefully AF will make herself known, then I can start the estrogen patches, and the heparin injections. I am very at peace with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work then we will be done. I know it will hurt if it fails, but I am honestly ok with just having Turtle, and the experience that came with her.

I have also been dealing with some loss as my best friend lost her mother to Cancer last Sunday. We went to the funeral to support her, and for right now I am trying to just give her the time, space and love that she needs until her heart heals a little. She is in a sad place right now, and it makes me really hurt for her. I cannot imagine losing my mother so young (her mom was only 43) and I will hold my mother even closer from now on. In a way I feel some survivors guilt because of the fact that her mother was so young, and they were so very close. I really wish she could have had a few more years with her.

I am working on a post in the next few days about some very deep things, but I wanted to let you all know that I was indeed still here, and still going through my days. Hugs to you all.

300.....

When I started this blog almost 4 & 1/2 years ago, I never thought I would be in the place that I am today. I went back and read all of my posts today, and learned a few things about myself.

I am the same person that I was back then, only better. I say better because back then I didn't know how to feel my pain. Sure I put it out there for everyone to read, but I never really felt it. I denied a lot of what I was feeling for a very long time... sorta you know talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

When Turtle was born, I found the place where all those feelings had gone, and when I cracked the seal on it, it really hurt to much to do anything but look at it from afar. As the months have passed I have spent more time then I care to admit in that place, working through what once was my tangled mess of a soul. I can honestly say that I have come to peace with so many hurts from the past, just because Turtle is here now.

Everyday it is like she fills a piece of that dark place with the light that only she has. Having her here has allowed me to let go of so many negative thoughts, things, and feelings about myself and the other people in my life.

I have opened my eyes to see just how beautiful the world can be when you just stop for a minute to really look at it.

I no longer take the time that I have for granted, because I know that at any moment it can all be snatched away, and I want to have lived that time to the fullest.

So here is to 300 posts of tangled mess, and to the future 300 posts... may they be half as great as the Turtle is! :o)

15 years.....

As I typed that my heart skipped a beat.

I have been married to the man of my dreams for 15 years.

It is hard to believe that because it feels just like yesterday.

My mother asked me if it has been worth it, and I told her yes, nothing else has ever felt so right to me in my whole life.

The man I share my life with is the most amazing person, and I am so happy that I found him.

He completes every part of my hearts desires, and more.

He is my hero, and he surprises me with the depth of his love. It is breathtaking.

I watch him with Turtle, and I know that there is no man on this earth who was better suited to walk with me and be the father of our children.

We have and have had our low points, but it is him who carries me through them, and with him I know that our world will always be right.

I can't even put into words my love for him, it is truly all encompassing.

He kissed me softly tonight and I asked what that was for, and he reminded me that this was a special day for another reason to, and I instantly knew what he meant.... June 4th of 2007, I watched tears fall from his eye as we saw the Turtle's heart beating for the first time.

We came full circle again on this day two years ago.

It has been a wonderful 15 years, the last two though were down right amazing....

Here is to many more years with my wonderful husband, I love you with all my heart, and soul.

Screwed again....

by my Uterus and Ovaries!

The Hush Hush reference in my last post was about us doing an FET.

After many hours of discussions, begging, crying, and talking it out, Clark and I finally decided that we would do this one FET, transferring the best 3, and then the rest of our Totcicles will be placed for adoption.

We came to a final decision just 2 days before I was to finish the active pills in my BCP pack, so it was a rush to get the RE and the IVF nurse to order the meds and all that fun junk. I had to go in for blood work to check clotting times since I will be on Heparin for the FET, and we were good to go, or so I thought.

Tuesday I started getting worried because after 5 days off the pill... no AF. So I call, and Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me back and said come in Thursday for B/W and U/S. Everything on the U/S looked quiet, and I waited for the call to start patches. The nurse called and said no go because Dr. OvaryWhisperer needed to sign off and look at the B/W, so I would hear from them the next day. Friday evening, I get the call... No FET this month. My Estrogen and progesterone are all screwed up thanks to the BCP's, and starting meds would have been a waste of time and money. I have to spend 21 days on estrogen, and then 7 days on provera, pray like hell that I get a period so that I can start patches on July 2nd. The earliest that I can start patches for a transfer in July is the 2nd because of the lab closure from the 27th of June to the 7th of July

Now, normally I would be all sunshine and roses about waiting so that everything is just right, but putting off this FET means that I will either have to do one of a few things.....

We are scheduled to go on vacation on the 31st of July, been planned for almost 2 years, and the state I am going to doesn't have one single Labcorp in it.... So.....


1. Have the transfer sometime in the first part of July, and then not get a Beta until sometime in the middle of August.

2. If I don't get AF before the 15th of July we will have to cancel the whole thing until at least September or later, due to above mentioned vacation.

3. Pray like hell that I get AF this week, before Friday, so that I can go ahead and cycle before the lab closes, and don't have to start on the estrogen.

Not to mention the fact that if we do transfer in early July and the Beta is negative, I will be pretty upset, so it could very well ruin the vacation for me!!

I don't know what is going to happen, but I can tell you that the thought "God is tryin' to tell you something" has gone through my head more then once the last 2 days.

However, I need to go on this vacation because,

1) My grandparents are in their 80's, and have not seen the Turtle yet.

2) We need a family vacation where Clark can go to ( he always ends up staying home to care for the dogs)

3) I want to make sure that we enjoy this summer as a family.

4) I miss my mom, and she is on our "To Visit" list.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. I just got so angry with my body last night, no matter how well I treat it, it always ends up screwing me in the end, and I am soooo over it.

I know that my blog has been a lot of gloom and doom for the last little while, and I am sorry if that is turning anyone away. These are my feelings honestly from day to day, and while I hope that things will get better, I have this one hurdle to get over so that I can get on with my life in whatever form it ends up taking. This is a very hard thing for me, harder even then working towards the Turtle, because I know what it is like to have a baby in my life and I want nothing more then to experience the whole thing over again. I am even more frustrated with my body now to then I was before Turtle, because I always expected it to let me down.... Now that I know it can do it, I don't understand why it won't.

I have reverted back to pre-Turtle days in the way that I get all tight in the chest when I see a pregnant woman or a family with a newborn. Pregnancy announcement's hit me hard and deep, even when I know the women have fought hard to get those 2 lines, it doesn't matter, it isn't me getting those 2 lines. I am terribly jealous of any and all pregnant woman right now, and I know I shouldn't be, I have no right to steal their joy, but it seems so hard for me to swallow this pill that I have been handed without a fight. So, I choke, cough, bargain, and beg for the one thing that I desperately want instead of just taking a drink and letting it go down without a fight. I guess I am not much of a quitter, but I am usually pretty unhappy while I am trying to achieve my goal.... figure that one out!!

I will keep you all updated on what is up. Until then Hugs to everyone!!!

38,20,8.......

Unfortunately those are not my winning lotto numbers, those are how many weeks along I would be had any of the last 3 IVF's worked. I know it is a tad morbid to even know them, but I do. I write them in my day planner at the beginning of every month as a reminder of what could have been. I hold on to the past a lot as you can tell.

I have struggled a lot in the last week with the fact that I would be getting ready to deliver had the September IVF worked. I dreamt last night that we were on our way to the hospital with a broken water and contractions 2 minutes apart. I actually woke Clark up and told him it was time to go... he looked at me all retarded and said "What the Hell are you talking about?" It was then that I touched my stomach and realized it had all been a dream, or nightmare if you were.

The older Turtle gets the more this sibling thing is on my mind. It is amazing to watch the advances that she makes every single day. She has become such a little individual... very independent. I watch everything that she learns with total amazement and awe. At 16 months, she is doing a lot of things that she shouldn't, and a few things that she should she doesn't, but most of the time she stuns me with how smart she is.

Clark asks me at least once a week how he is doing, and my answer is always the same... amazing. She loves her daddy so much, and you can see it in her face when she sees him at the end of the day! She cuddles with him more then with me, which is ok with me, and he reads her the same book 10 times a day... he does the animal noises better then me I guess!!

Kent seems to be finally realizing that the shit has hit the fan, and that his issues are serious. He has been very on top of all of his personal care, not that it will last long. We are waiting for his appointment for the U/S, and it seems like forever and a day away, even though it is just on the 10th. He will be doing his end of the year testing all next week, and hopefully he will pass all of the tests so that he can be a junior next year. I am not to confident in that though because he has a few F's... ugh damn teenagers.

There have been a lot of things going on here in my personal relationships that I cannot discuss in detail, just that I have been accused 2 times in the last month of not being a good friend. Total bullshit, but the friend saying it is really hurting, and lashing out at me because of it. However, it is wearing on my nerves and heart because I know I am a great friend, to a fault most of the time. I don't take my friendships lightly, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you really need it, so this has really worn me down.

There are some things in the works that I will update you about in the next week or so, but for right now they have to be hush hush. Thanks again for all of the supportive comments, I couldn't get through this without them.

Appointment Update

Well, I want to first thank all of you again for the well wishes and prayers. We had the appointment this morning, and saying that I am happy with what we were told would be a lie.

It was a very noncommittal affair, and frankly I wish we hadn't gone. I am so pissed at this doctor right now that I could have slapped her and her nurse by the time I left. Her determination is that Kent MAY have a Hydrocele, not he HAS one, or he has Cancer, or anything that I can "take to the Bank", just that she THINKS he may have a Hydrocele. I mean come the hell on, you have been at this for almost 20 years, and you can't give me an answer that can relieve my brains worry center??

We didn't get the ultrasound that we were told we would be having, instead she scheduled it for June 10th with a followup with her right after. I actually just sat in the office stunned that she wasn't worried one little bit that his right testicle was the size of an almond, and that the left one was the size of a peach, or that all together his testicular sack was the size of a grapefruit.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME HERE?? You want me to wait 3 more weeks before you tell me what is wrong with my son??

He will be having surgery at some point though, she would tell me that much. Either to fix what is wrong, or to get a better look at what is going on.

Oh and get this, she actually chided me for being so hard on him about his lack of personal care and attention to his body?? WTF?? I am so sick of his team of doctor's coddling him because he is in a wheelchair. I mean I am trying to raise him to be a man, not a little boy who lives at home so mommy and daddy can take care of him for the rest of his life.

I have to be frank here when I tell you that a lot of Kent's issues are things that if he chose to take better care of himself would not be issues.... Like not taking his blood preassure meds, thyroid meds, or antibiotics for almost 2 weeks. Until I literally threatened to hold him down and shove them down his throat. Without these drugs, he could drop dead.

I have run into this problem over and over with his docs and other people... they look at him and they see this poor kid in a wheelchair, not the inteligent capable young man I know he is. All they see is that fucking chair, and it drives me insane. When people pity him it just feeds into his "woe-is-me" attitude, and makes things so much harder on all of us.

I out right asked him last night how long his testicle had been swollen like this, and he told me he didn't know, maybe like 6 weeks, but he didn't think it was a big deal. He really had no concept of the seriousness of the situation, or just didn't care.

I love this child/young man, and I told him last night after a long discussion in which he told me that he was tired of living his life like this, and how he didn't care what happened to him because it wasn't fair that all his siblings and friends got to be normal, that if he wanted to off himself by way of self neglect, then he better find somewhere else to do it because it wasn't happening in my house.

I am sure that a lot of you can't understand what I am going on about, but it has been so long in coming that I just needed to get this all out of my system. I need this space right now to vent all of the months of pent up frusteration that I have had with him, that I kept to myself. I literally feel like I am fighting a loosing battle here, and I can't seem to get anyone, including him, to take me seriously. All I do know is that I refuse to bury my son because he decided that he doesn't give a shit, and the doctors just refuse to see it coming.

On a different note.... Turtle had a bad day today, and was so overtired by bedtime, that I actually got to sit in the dark and sing my sweet, apple hair detangler scented, exausted little girl to sleep after a 45 minute temper tantrum. As much as the temper tantrum worked my nerves, the fact that she cuddled into my neck, and fell almost instantly asleep when I started singing "Rainbow Connection" to her, made the day just seem all better. God how I love that girl with all my heart.

Thanks so much...

We have an appointment on Wednesday morning to see the Urologist for testing.

Thanks so very much to everyone who left comments and emailed me, I will let you know what I find out as soon as I can.

Wish us luck.

Prayers Needed

For Kent.....

We went to the Nepherologist today for a check up, and as she was looking him over she noticed that his testicles were very swollen. When she palpated them, she felt two masses that are not supposed to be there. She called his Urologist right away, and they are working on scheduling an MRI and an ultrasound for next week. With his cancer history, this could be very bad for him. I am scared that I missed this, but hey, I don't inspect his body all the time, and he thought it was normal for them to be that big. Poor kid is scared out of his mind right now, and it sucks that I can't do anything to take that away.

Could the Universe throw anything else at me??

Oh hell who am I kidding, that is probably an invitation for more shit to head my way!!!

I will let you know when we are to go in...

FET Update

So, we got an email back from the RE, and talked about things... it was looking like a FET #1 was a go until this morning when I got the email from the business office... needless to say, the price is not what I had expected, much, much higher actually. It has really put a hold on things... probably permanatly.

I still owe them for my last 2 IVF cycle's, over 5 grand.

I don't know where to go from here. I really thought things were finally back on track again. Fuck.

Holding Pattern.....

Sorry to have left you all out in the cold for so long. I needed to recoup and things have been busy here. I went back to work on the 23rd of April, and even though the actual hours aren't that long, the drive is almost an hour each way. It makes the day go by so fast, but makes it long just the same. Turtle has been doing just great at the babysitters, and actually seems to enjoy going most days... the nights when we get home are another thing though, as she latches on to my pant legs, or legs, and holds on for dear life. To say this isn't frustrating would be a lie, and I have found myself close to losing my temper a few times. I feel like an ass afterwards, because I know it is just that she missed me, and wants to be close. Of course you can't break it down for her that I had a long day, and still need to make dinner and clean... she is to little to grasp that. My brain tells me that, but my patience center disagrees... A LOT!!

Damn...........

Needless to say, I started this post early this AM, and here I sit @ 10 PM finishing it. Kent is having some health issues, and those needed to be dealt with today. We think he is going to be OK, but we have an appointment with his Kidney doc on Friday to see what is what, and if this will be bad news or not.

I wrote a long letter to the RE about the FET issue, and I am waiting to hear back from her. I asked a lot of questions, and I am sure it will take her some time to get the info and get back to me.

I am sorry that I got off track and now I can't finish what I was saying this morning, but I promise I will work on it and let you know.

Crossroads.....

For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on one hand, but on the other I knew deep in my heart it was going to fail. I am not sure why I thought this, but if I had to guess I think it is because I truly feel as though my quota of happiness has been filled with all the blessings I already have. Clark, Kent and Turtle are all amazing people that I get to share my life with everyday, and I let my greed for more of the same consume me. I have "talked" to myself about what I really want with another child, and more often then not it was mostly to prove that I could do it again, have a baby that is. Not that I wouldn't love another child, but I worry very much that my thought process about having another child was selfish. I have a constant need to prove myself, I have since I was very young when it became apparent to me that my father had not wanted a girl as his first born child, or period. I knew I could never live up to my brothers in his eyes, so I did everything I could to please him. I still don't think I can. Nothing like having to live up to two people who were born more loved then you because of a different chromosome.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me Thursday for our follow up appointment, because I cannot make it into the office to see her personally. She said she was very sad that after all we did and tried this cycle failed. She knows I am in a place of resignation. She told me not to walk away from the frozen embryo's that we have without giving her one last chance. I told her that I honestly wasn't sure that I had it in me to fight the IF war anymore, and that I am very angry with my uterus and body right now, so that would be something I would have to really think hard about. She told me that they have one final trick they want to try and if that didn't work then she would let me go. I told her that Clark and I would talk and I would let her know. We talked about it that day, that night, and last night. Clark said to me, "You know in your heart what you want to do, so why are we even talking??" Why? Because I seem to be able to kill embryo's better then I can make them live that is why, and I need to feel like I am not alone in this. He is done, but I know that he will do whatever I ask him to because he loves me.

The last 48 hours have been hard on me mentally and emotionally. I have fought the Pro/Con fight, and I still cannot settle on any Pro's, but the list of Con's is longer then my arm. I am worried how I will take the bad ending of another cycle, this one was just so hard, it really damaged my heart. I worry about how this is taking away from Turtle, and if it will have a lasting effect on her. I worry that if I push the issue with Clark it may hurt us as couple. I worry about my body, I am not a spring chicken anymore, and all of this is taking a toll. There are so many more that I can't list them all. The only Pro I have is that I MAY get pregnant, and I MAY end up with a baby at the end, and since it isn't a deffinate, then it really dosen't count as a Pro.

So that is what mean in my title, I am at a crossroads. Do I risk the FET, or do I just walk away while I can?? I told Dr. OvaryWhisperer before I hung up, in my most sarcastic tone, "Thanks for letting that Bitch Hope back in the door."