September 13, 2009

Answer to Anon/N

I will admit that when I first read this comment I was angry, but a little time spent mulling it over prompted me to answer your questions in a polite way so that I will hopefully help you understand the posts I have been writing about my grief.

Your first question/comment:

But you have a little daughter, right? That's so fantastic and so many ladies are wishing for that.

Yes, I have a daughter. After 14 1/2 years of putting myself through hell, I did get the Golden Ticket, and I have lived every day knowing just how lucky I am. However, you need to understand that along with that ticket came an enormous amount of guilt. I have guilt every day that I have gotten the opportunity to carry, bear, and bring home a child, when there are so many out there who have not, or will not ever get to experience it. I cry for my friends almost daily when they struggle so hard to get what I have, and sometimes fall short. You can never understand this hurt unless you yourself have been there... look around at the parenting after Infertility bogs... you will see it all over I promise you.

It would be best to focus on what you have rather than what you do not have.

Please do not assume for one minute that I do not focus daily on my daughter and everything that goes into raising her and being her mother. I do however have a deep longing to have another child that I can mother the same way. My longing and wanting grows deeper everyday when I see all of the amazingness that is the Turtle. I am not sure what your struggle with Infertility is, but I can tell you that most women are not satisfied with just one child once they have experienced the joys of mothering. I swore that if the Universe gave me just one that I wouldn't ask again, but as soon as I had the Turtle and looked into those amazing blue eyes of hers, I wanted it all over again. My pain is more now then it was before the Turtle, because frankly I didn't know what I was missing. I used to get pissy when women who had children already talked about the suffering that they went through trying to have more. I get it now. I REALLY get it.

The situation with your 17 year old sounds very difficult indeed. I'm sorry you are going through that. Can you get any help from your community (i.e. any support groups like Teen Community Center? in your area)?All the best to you, N.

I want you to know that I have done EVERYTHING short of having my son committed and/or disrupting our adoption to help him. To answer your question yes, I have tried to find support groups and the like, but we live in a very rural area where there aren't many teens like him, not to mention support groups period. I haven't come close to posting all of the hell that we have been through with him for the simple fact that it would take me hours, and I don't really feel the need to put every little bit of my business with him out there, just know that my struggle is more then you will ever know.

I honestly hope that this explains some things to you, but I really think that you need to go back and read more of my blog, just the last few posts isn't likely to help you understand my struggles.

7 comments:

Carrie said...

YOU GO GIRL!!!

Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog...I sure do appreciate knowing that so many people are thinking and praying for us!!

~ Carrie
A Journey of Hope

Kristine said...

Nice responses.

Hugs!

My Reality said...

I don't think I could have said it so well.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}}

Rotten said...

Must have been hard to respond to that, but you did it very eloquently. I think it is hard for anyone to understand situation like yours if they have never been there. I wish there was something that could make it better.

And you are so welcome. If it made you smile then it did it's job. :)

libby @ ninesandquines said...

you know....i don't think you HAVE to explain one damn thing to anyone! this is your blog, you have every right to feel how you do and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't have to follow you....until we walk in your shoes, we don't know what you're going through and shame on anyone for being rude to you about it....

Super Woman said...

I'm so sorry that you even had to answer those questions. People who have not struggled with infertility - especially "secondary" infertility after having one or more children - can't understand what it's like, no matter how hard they might try. Wanting another child doesn't mean you aren't down on your knees thanking God EVERY SINGLE DAY for the one (or more) you were blessed with. I've struggled with secondary infertility for 3-1/2 years now (our only child together is 6 years old now), and finally started seeing a fertility specialist this month. I know the heartache you're experiencing, and I'm so sorry you're going through it, too. I wish you the best!