September 20, 2009

Trifecta Saturday

I sat in a really hot tub last night and let my tears fall. I had a very bad day yesterday, and it only seemed to get worse as the day wore on.



Clark and I are hardly speaking, and that hurts me a lot, but I can't accept his answer anymore then I could accept the negative Beta's. I know that he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but really all he is doing is breaking mine. I am starting to get a tad bit resentful of the fact that he gets to be the one to say no when it comes to trying again, even if he isn't thinking about it with his ovaries like I am. He actually asked me as we were standing in the kitchen, being forcefully quiet so as not to alert the younger ears in the house about the ensuing argument, why I hated him for making the choice for me. I got instantly and insanely angry with him for thinking the whole thing even had anything to do with him. I stood in front of him and punched myself in the abdomen several times, crying and telling him it wasn't him that I hated it was these organs inside of me that couldn't be bothered to do what they were put there to do that I hated. I don't think that helped my cause any with him, but it is the truth. I would give anything to be able to just ovulate, have sex, and get pregnant like the Majority of this planet, but since that isn't in my cards, I will just continue to beat myself up... emotionally... most of the time.



Because of the tension in the house, I had decided to take Turtle to the park with a friend. She is my best friend in most ways, but it has seemed to me that over the last few months that our relationship has been fading. She always seems to be angry with me about something, real or imagined. Her and her husband have started making a lot of snotty comments about the way Clark and I spend our money... suggesting that we think we are better then they are. I in no way shape or form think that, I just cannot help it that we have made sound financial investments, such as a savings account, instead of buying cars that we don't really need or can afford. Examples of things she has said...



1. That the only reason I didn't want to drive to Bingo every Sunday night is because I didn't want to put the miles on my 1200.00 dollar tires. Are you kidding me?? I drive a Mazda 5 and they come with low profile tires, it was the one thing we didn't like about the car, but hey it is just one thing so we decided to roll with it. Now I am sorry if Clark REFUSES to put cheap ass tires on the car that will carry is daughter and wife around.... ain't happening. So it just happened that the total for ordering, mounting, balancing, and all that jazz was $1200.00. Sorry if I have that in the bank.



2. That Clark and I don't rent from Blockbuster because it is the poor peoples video store. Actually I have hated Blockbuster for years. They charged me late fees for movies I had returned, rented me messed up movies, and were just generally IMO not worth the freaking pain in the ass that they were. Besides if I want to see a movie that damn bad I will pay-per-view it for less then I can rent it.



3. That Clark and I are trying to make them look bad because the play set that we are buying the Turtle is $3500.00, and theirs was only $1100.00 (on sale) Again we go back to the savings thing, we have saved for this play set, and aren't even purchasing it until the spring hoping the price will go down. Let me tell you that any park that we go to out here is at least a 20 MINUTE FREAKING DRIVE from our house!!!! So I am sorry that you feel I am trying to out do you when all I am trying to do is make sure that my daughter has a play set that will keep her entertained for more then 5 flipping minutes, deleting my need for driving all over hell and back so she can play on a damn slide.



4. This one cut me to the heart, and really in my mind has pretty much ended my ability to trust her. She made the comment that I sucked as a mother. Her reason for saying that was simply because I wouldn't let the Turtle have a CapriSun. I was stunned beyond belief when she said it because I had not realized until that very moment that the quality of my mothering, hinged on my letting my child drink from a juice box. We only give Turtle JuicyJuice, or water, and those are served in a sippy cup. So, basically after all the years of trying for her and finally getting the Turtle, I am letting her down because I will not allow her to have butt loads of sugar, from a foil pouch. If only I had known that the success or failure of my mothering skills would hinge on that one little act, I would have done it differently from the get go. Of course I mean all of that last sentence sarcastically, but she was serious when she said it, not a hint of a smile or anything. I am hurt that she seems to think that I am a bad mom because of this one little thing, however I have a feeling that she has had that opinion for awhile and just has decided to speak it out loud now.



So, back to yesterday... we were involved in another problem at a park when an older girl was pushing her son down. She threw a tantrum, snatched her kids and took off, after being there for all of 15 minutes and hardly saying a word to me. As I sat there stunned, and not know what to say to the other people sitting with me, she called my cell to tell me she was not going to let some hoodlum kid beat her kids up while I apparently didn't even seem to care or notice that she was pushing my daughter down, because I was to busy running my mouth talking to another mother to be bothered to pay attention. I was stunned because I had been watching Turtle the WHOLE time and the girl never even touched her once. Trust me when I tell you that if she had, I would have known because the Turtle is so funny right now that if you even bump up against someone while carrying her, she will loose her shit. She hates to be touched by strangers. She then told me that she was going to another park, and IF I choose to I could join her there. HUH?? I seriously don't get what is going on, and I am getting pretty hard pressed to continue this relationship.

After she left I called my mom to vent to her, only my brother answered the phone. He told me that my mother was out grocery shopping, but would be back soon. Then he dropped the bomb...

"So, are you ready to be an aunt again?"

I instantly started crying, and he said to me "Well, damn don't be so happy for us." I kept crying and told him that I was happy for them, but that I had already had a very crappy day. I got off the phone and tried to dry my tears, but I just couldn't do it. I love my brother and my SIL, I really do, but they live with my parents, have a hard time holding jobs, and already have one totally out of control 5 year old daughter, so yeah I am a little hard pressed to be over the moon happy for them. He actually had the audacity to tell me he didn't know how it had happened since he can't remember having sex anytime in the last few weeks. Great. So, I am doubly upset because I am sure that she is about how many weeks I would have been had our FET worked.

When I got home, Clark instantly knew something was wrong, and he literally choked when I told him about my brother. The only thing he could do was tell me he was sorry and hug me.

So all in all, things for me just keep managing to get shittier by the day, and I am honestly beginning to wonder if the Universe is punishing me for something. Just when I think I have a grasp on things, the other shoe drops, and not softly, but like a damn a-bomb.

I know you all probably think I am a freaking lunatic, and honestly right now I am beginning to wonder myself. I cannot thank all of you who have commented enough though, no matter what you say, because it lets me know that I am not really alone in all of this, and that I do have "friends" out there who love me. The support that I get from my Internets helps me make it through the day with a smile on my face, and some peace in my heart. Hugs to all of you out there, and may this week be a good one for all of us!!

23 comments:

Tracey said...

Sorry, but your friend needs a reality check...so sorry....it still hurts every time I find out someone else is pregnant...AGAIN! I have a baby shower to go to this weekend and I DON'T WANT TO GO. Hold on girl...GOD BLESS!

serenity said...

Your friend's issues? Have nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with the fact that she's hung up on her own money issues. It's not you in this, not at all.

I have wondered if there was resentment at Clark because it does seem, to me anyway, that he gets to make the decision FOR you. I don't know that it's not the RIGHT decision, but you're clearly not there yet, you know?

I wish I could fix it for you. All I know is that time and space is about the only thing that helps with grief. Just hang in there, and keep breathing.

Hugs.

xxx

Erin said...

Your friend clearly has some major issues. It sucks to hear "It's not you, it's me" but it really IS her, not you. The idea of someone even joking that you were a bad mom because you wouldn't let your baby girl have a CapriSun--I am furious with her, let alone for the rest of it. Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve you as a friend.

As far as Clark goes, I wonder if he feels like he should make the decision to protect you from having to be the one to make it. I don't know that it's right, but it might come from him not wanting to see you hurting and knowing just how painful it is to have to make the decision. Maybe he thinks that it's going to hurt no matter who makes it, but it'll hurt less if you don't have to do it? I think that if that's it, though, he may be failing to realize that having to make that decision can actually be healing. Not easy, certainly not easy, but it does require a certain peace-of-mind about the decision to be able to step away and say "That's it. We're done."

Many hugs to you.

JJ said...

Well first of all, I wish I could give you a GIANT hug--I am so sorry sweetie. You have had the emotional suckage from hell! Your friend doesnt sound like too great of a friend at all...
And Im sorry for the tension between you and Clark--I know that place, and its so tough. Sending you loads of peace for your day today!

Mad Hatter said...

(((Hugs)))

Oy. What a terrible day you had. I'm sorry to hear about the tension with Clark and about your "friend's" behaviour. She sounds really toxic and it sounds like you're considering ending the relationship, which may be the best thing for you and for Turtle (I find toxic mothers tend to raise toxic children - just an observation). I hope you can find some ways to be more gentle with yourself - the hot tub was a good start! Thinking of you!
(and thank you for your supportive comment on my blog - sooooo appreciated!!!)

Suzy said...

I am so sorry to read about how much your day sucked! When my brother and his wife announced they were pregnant, it was like a dagger to my heart. We were in a much better place financially and everything else.

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Isn't friendship supposed to be supportive and not judgmental. I'm sorry she doesn't get that.

So sorry for the tension between you and Clark. That is difficult.

Just sending you lots of ((((Hugs))) right now! You're in my thoughts!

Carrie said...

Not crazy...I think your FRIEND is crazy...but not you.

Man...that was a bad day and I'm so sorry for you.

There is nothing that I can say to help, but I do have empathy for you and wish I could do something to help ease your pain.

Much love, hugs, and support being sent your way....

Aunt Becky said...

Dude, I don't think you're a lunatic. I think you're in a world of shit right now, and I admire you. I wish I could help.

Loves you, Rebel.

Amanda said...

Hi love.... I am so sorry that your so called "friend" feels the need to put her problems and insecurities onto you. It sounds like she's really unhappy with her and her life and it is very wrong to put all her shit onto you and take it out on you.

Hang in there... you have real support and friends out here in cyber world. <3 Amanda

astral said...

That was a tough. I'm so very sorry your friend is weird and your brother giving you his news just plain sucks. {{hugs}} Some people will never understand because they've never had to walk in your shoes. If I only had a magic wand.

momofonefornow said...

I don't think you are a "freaking lunatic." As a matter of fact. I think everything you have just described and the way that you have reacted is pretty much normal.

Oh, and as far as the friend goes, I say step away for awhile. She is obviously dealing with some major insecurities and needs some time to sort through that.

Veda's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you. Sometimes it feels as though the earth is shattering beneath your toes. I hope something happens soon that you are able to smile again and feel at peace with everything that is happening. Embrace Turtle a little longer, enjoy her a little more, tell her you love her more often.....that is bound to produce a smile and warm your heart :)

My Reality said...

Your friend is just plain out of line. I wish there was some way for Clark to see things your way.

Hope the beginning of the week has been a lot kinder than Saturday was.

Photogrl said...

A Capri Sun!?!

Are you kidding me?

Sounds like your "friend" is not much of a friend right now.

I'm sorry that everything seems to be falling down around you...

Big HUGE ((HUGS)) for you!

Kirsten said...

I called to tell you that I had to tell off one of my nurses and it felt soo good. I think what I said to my nurse applies to your friend... she (crazy nurse/you're friend) needs to work a lot harder at getting her head out of her butt, b/c Karma is a bitch! She's working herself into a real bad tragedy! When it hits, how she's treated you is going to be the first thing that comes to mind... you'll be gone and then she'll really be hurting then!

*hugs* I love ya girl!

libby @ ninesandquines said...

your friend is busy blaming you for something else that is making her feel really shitty about her life....and i'm going through what you are, only it's my 21 year old niece, pregnant for the 2nd time in a year (first one ended in m/c and she did the "oh my god how did this happen"), not married, living with my brother and sil, expecting everyone to be excited for her, to buy her lots of things, etc. i refuse to buy her anything, told her i would buy the baby some books but that maybe the expense of things should have been thought of before she got herself pregnant again for the second time "unexpectedly" (sorry, i find myself going on a rant!)

anyway, what i am trying to say is that i completely understand what you are going through and am sending hugs your way....i am just starting this journey (tomorrow go in for my first day 3 labs and u/s) and really don't know what to expect with my feelings, thoughts, etc. but know that we can always rely on our "internets" for support.....

Susan said...

Ooooh, step away from that, "friend." Insecurities abound there and you don't need to take on her problems. I ache for you - I suffered through infertility, went through menopause at 42, (I can say hurrah to that, actually!), and still feel a stab of envy when I learn someone is pregnant.

Susan said...

OMG I must have sounded so insensitive. I didn't mean it that way - I just wanted you to know that I understand a small part of your pain and that I'm sorry you're having to endure it. Damn chardonnay.

Kibbles said...

Wow, how hard was she trying to pick a fight with you?!

Sooo ready for all the junk to stop happening to you :(

Looks like no one here thinks that you are the lunatic though, thats always good :)

Kristin said...

Your "friend" has some serious jealousy issues. She isn't worth having around if she is going to treat you this waty.

As for the rest of it, all I can do is offer my love and support. Do you still have my number? Do you need to talk?

daega99 said...

So many hugs to you!!!!!

butterflyanla said...

Just wondering how you are doing.

barneysgirl said...

oh! hon
i'm sorry you had a bad day and your friend is such a horrible person , she sould have more feelings . sad most people think only of themselves now a days and not of others
i'm sorry about your brother and the baby its understandable to be upset . i'm sorry hon hope your days get better hugs to you hon
yvette