September 17, 2009

A phone call can change everything......

My cell phone rang today with news that broke my heart in so many ways.

The couple that we had chosen to adopt our embryo's found out that due to medical complications she will not be able to pursue pregnancy. My heart broke into a million pieces for her. I cried for her loss. I hurt so deeply for her, even though she assures me she will be fine.

Then something happened on the rest of my ride home.. that Bitch, Hope snuck in my heart, and I started thinking about things that I had worked through. I was really so ready for her to give those embies a chance that I hadn't thought about the possibility of it not happening. Deep in me a thought occurred..... We can try again. Of course I knew within the same second that I had the thought that it was not going to happen, because I knew that Clark would never go for it.

I guess that it was written all over my face because he hadn't been in the door 10 minutes before he was asking me what was wrong. I told him I didn't want to talk just then. As the night wore on, and Turtle was her normal self, I shed a lot of tears as I knew what I was going to ask of him, and what his answer would be in return, and watching her just made my hurt worse.

After Turtle kissed me goodnight and Clark put her in bed, the tears fell down my cheeks freely. Clark sat next to me and said "Lets talk about this." I cried harder and told him I didn't want to because I already knew what he was going to say, and I couldn't handle hearing it. After about five minutes I told him that I wanted to try again with the frozen embryo's, and just as I thought he said no. He told me... "This is not good for us. It isn't good for you, or our family, and I will not do it again." I knew that he was going to say that, but it didn't make the pain in my heart any less.

I didn't know a wound could reopen up and hurt so deeply. I can honestly say that for months I hadn't thought of those embies as mine. They belonged to her and her husband. They were our DNA, but they were going to have another set of parents who were going to give them the chance at a life my body seems incapable of. Yet, with that one call, they came back to me, and I was momentarily overwhelmed with love that I didn't know I still had for them. It surprised even me that I was so willing to jump back into the hell that I had so vehemently sworn off just a few short weeks ago.

I guess that is what Infertility gave me.... the hope that I hold in my heart, but a reality that never will be.

13 comments:

Kristin said...

Oh honey...{{{hugs}}} and prayers.

intricatelycomplex said...

Rebel, I am so sorry that this has come back to hurt you all over again.
I can't imagine how terribly hard this must be for you.
You're in my thoughts.

Erin said...

Oh Rebel, how heartbreaking for all of you involved. I hate that Hope bitch. She just doesn't want to let you start the healing process, does she? Many hugs from my end.

Suzy said...

I am so, so sorry sweetie! Sending you loads of (((hugs))).

~Jess said...

I'm sorry: Lot's of hugs and prayers for you. Hope is most certainly a four letter word sometimes.

Carrie said...

That is hard...I'm sorry....feeling your pain.....

Aunt Becky said...

My heart hurts so much. I'm so sorry, Rebel.

My Reality said...

I wish this didn't have to hurt so much. xo.

Kahla said...

(((Hugs))

libby @ ninesandquines said...

i'm sorry....we are about to embark on our first fertility "procedure" in the next couple of weeks or so (day one should be next tuesday)....and my heart breaks for you after following what you have been going through over the past months/years....lots of hugs coming your way....

Photogrl said...

Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers...

((HUGS))

Kibbles said...

I'm so sorry for your pain Rebel.
Hugs..

Kirsten said...

I am so so sorry you're hurting like this. I'm sorry I missed your pain. I've just been so numb to what's going on around me. Know that I'm thinking of you guys too! ♥