May 27, 2009


Unfortunately those are not my winning lotto numbers, those are how many weeks along I would be had any of the last 3 IVF's worked. I know it is a tad morbid to even know them, but I do. I write them in my day planner at the beginning of every month as a reminder of what could have been. I hold on to the past a lot as you can tell.

I have struggled a lot in the last week with the fact that I would be getting ready to deliver had the September IVF worked. I dreamt last night that we were on our way to the hospital with a broken water and contractions 2 minutes apart. I actually woke Clark up and told him it was time to go... he looked at me all retarded and said "What the Hell are you talking about?" It was then that I touched my stomach and realized it had all been a dream, or nightmare if you were.

The older Turtle gets the more this sibling thing is on my mind. It is amazing to watch the advances that she makes every single day. She has become such a little individual... very independent. I watch everything that she learns with total amazement and awe. At 16 months, she is doing a lot of things that she shouldn't, and a few things that she should she doesn't, but most of the time she stuns me with how smart she is.

Clark asks me at least once a week how he is doing, and my answer is always the same... amazing. She loves her daddy so much, and you can see it in her face when she sees him at the end of the day! She cuddles with him more then with me, which is ok with me, and he reads her the same book 10 times a day... he does the animal noises better then me I guess!!

Kent seems to be finally realizing that the shit has hit the fan, and that his issues are serious. He has been very on top of all of his personal care, not that it will last long. We are waiting for his appointment for the U/S, and it seems like forever and a day away, even though it is just on the 10th. He will be doing his end of the year testing all next week, and hopefully he will pass all of the tests so that he can be a junior next year. I am not to confident in that though because he has a few F's... ugh damn teenagers.

There have been a lot of things going on here in my personal relationships that I cannot discuss in detail, just that I have been accused 2 times in the last month of not being a good friend. Total bullshit, but the friend saying it is really hurting, and lashing out at me because of it. However, it is wearing on my nerves and heart because I know I am a great friend, to a fault most of the time. I don't take my friendships lightly, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you really need it, so this has really worn me down.

There are some things in the works that I will update you about in the next week or so, but for right now they have to be hush hush. Thanks again for all of the supportive comments, I couldn't get through this without them.


Kristin said...

Rebel...I've been thinking about you and was so glad to see an update. I totally identify with knowing how many weeks along you would have been. I did that with my miscarriages. Wishing Kent the best of luck with his end of year exams and his check up.

Turtle sounds AMAZING!

My Reality said...

The what could have been's can kill you.

I am glad Kent is getting it somewhat. With time and maturity, he will get it more, but that doesn't make it any easier on you.

I hope things smooth over with your friend.

Susan said...

You've gone all mystery on us! I'm dying to know what's going on!

Amanda said...

xoxox you are a wonderful friend.

JJ said...

Hey there! Let me know your email when you get a chance, and Ill keep you posted on our travel plans=)

Im so sorry those numbers arent a happy thing to think of--I still have all my "bad" dates/numbers logged in my memory--must shoo them away!

Poison Ivy said...

(((Big hugs))) Shame on whom ever said you were not a good friend. I will wash their mouth out with soap! Ugh. You are a great friend. xoxoxox