September 1, 2009


I thought I might actually be on the mend. Accepting things were going to be what they were, and beginning to move on.

Then I stepped in the doors of BabiesRUs, and that mending was replaced with the grief and anger I thought I had come close to tucking away.

The Bellies.

The newborns.

Even with the Turtle in the cart it was just all to much for me, and I had to literally grab what I needed and get out in less then 5 minutes (a personal best I might add).

I am trying so hard to put this away, but every time I sign in to my message boards, they are there to. The pregnancy announcements. The belly pics. I cry at them all.

I get a little mad at myself, because some of the good news comes from fellow IVFers who more then deserve to be getting great news. It still gets me though. Why them and not me?? I get a huge pang of jealousy when I read of a BFP. I cry about them actually, more then I really wanted to admit.

The stores are loaded with Bellies right now to, and I swear the other day at WallyWorld, there was a personal attack against me... I mean I literally counted 48 pregnant woman with obvious bellies..... it made my heart race, my eyes well up, and my stomach hurt every damn time one of them walked towards me.

I am trying so hard to accept my fate and yet it seems the harder I try the more I fail. I have considered not leaving the house, but at this point in life it isn't feasible for me to hide out here.

On the home front things are getting more difficult with Kent.

I had to take him to the Psychologist yesterday. Friday AM after a fight the night before I told him that he either started seeing someone and get medicated or he had to get out of the house. I think that he is so filled with self hate right now that he is literally trying to kill himself by neglecting his body. I can't do it anymore, and I spent the whole week trying to find somewhere where he can get the help that I can't obviously provide for him. Bawling on the phone to more then one person about how I need him to get help. There was nothing anyone could do I was told over and over.

The doc put him on meds, and we will see how he titers up. Frankly I am not sure that this is going to work, because as we all know you have to want to help yourself, meds or not, and I don't think he truly does.

To say that I am stressed out would be like saying that the a-bomb was a 22 bullet. My blood pressure is very high, my stomach hurts all day long, and I can hardly sleep anymore. I really wonder which I will be planning his graduation or his funeral. So, we are on our own with this 17 year old boy who is hell bent on destroying the rest of his body and no one else gives a shit. Thanks DSS.

I miss blogging, but I just don't find the joy in it that I used to. I am thinking of taking a long break, or possibly starting a new blog... not really sure yet what I need to do.

Right now, I just keep thinking about Yesterdays.


Carrie said...

I'm an SK friend....and feel your pain in your entry. I wish there was something I could do to help....I know the pain and darkness of infertility. Please know that I'm thinking about you....praying for you....
"Still Hopeful" ~ Carrie

Kristin said...

Oh Rebel...I wish I could do something to help get rid of the pain. I'm praying for you and for Kent.

Susan said...

Here is my Wednesday gift to you: I am NOT pregnant and I will never be again. (Can't say that I don't look pregnant though). Off to do sit ups. Take care, love.

My Reality said...

I wish it wasn't so difficult.

Thinking of you.

Kahla said...

Oh Rebel, I'm so sorry. I've felt that feeling so many times when I see bellies and often pray I don't cause that feeling to other's right now. My heart is aching for you, it's so unfair.

I will send some prayers for you and Kent, huge hugs.

Erin said...

Rebel, I'm sorry. All of it all at once like this is too much for any person to be expected to deal with. I desperately hope someone can help you with Kent, so that you don't have to worry quite so much about your son. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Aunt Becky said...

Love to you, Rebel. And I'm sorry it's so hard.

Kibbles said...

I think you are right about Kent..until he doesn't want it for himself, you can't do much more than watch helplessly. Totally Excruciating, isn't it.

The bellies are everywhere here too..
I just keep reminding myself that none of them took MY baby..
For some reason that calms me down.

astral said...

I know the feeling about seeing bellies and hearing about pregnancy news. I don't know what will ever make it easier. I went to see a therapist to deal with stuff and she told me to keep a journal. It took me a little bit but I did write down things that happened and how I felt one night before bed--I slept so good that night!! I hope Kent sees all that you are doing for him. Take time for yourself and to figure out things. We'll be here waiting with open arms. {{hugs}} Please email me if you need anything.

Anonymous said...

But you have a little daughter, right? That's so fantastic and so many ladies are wishing for that. It would be best to focus on what you have rather than what you do not have.
The situation with your 17 year old sounds very difficult indeed. I'm sorry you are going through that. Can you get any help from your community (i.e. any support groups like Teen Community Center? in your area)?
All the best to you,