Yesterday.....

I thought I might actually be on the mend. Accepting things were going to be what they were, and beginning to move on.

Then I stepped in the doors of BabiesRUs, and that mending was replaced with the grief and anger I thought I had come close to tucking away.

The Bellies.

The newborns.

Even with the Turtle in the cart it was just all to much for me, and I had to literally grab what I needed and get out in less then 5 minutes (a personal best I might add).

I am trying so hard to put this away, but every time I sign in to my message boards, they are there to. The pregnancy announcements. The belly pics. I cry at them all.

I get a little mad at myself, because some of the good news comes from fellow IVFers who more then deserve to be getting great news. It still gets me though. Why them and not me?? I get a huge pang of jealousy when I read of a BFP. I cry about them actually, more then I really wanted to admit.

The stores are loaded with Bellies right now to, and I swear the other day at WallyWorld, there was a personal attack against me... I mean I literally counted 48 pregnant woman with obvious bellies..... it made my heart race, my eyes well up, and my stomach hurt every damn time one of them walked towards me.

I am trying so hard to accept my fate and yet it seems the harder I try the more I fail. I have considered not leaving the house, but at this point in life it isn't feasible for me to hide out here.

On the home front things are getting more difficult with Kent.

I had to take him to the Psychologist yesterday. Friday AM after a fight the night before I told him that he either started seeing someone and get medicated or he had to get out of the house. I think that he is so filled with self hate right now that he is literally trying to kill himself by neglecting his body. I can't do it anymore, and I spent the whole week trying to find somewhere where he can get the help that I can't obviously provide for him. Bawling on the phone to more then one person about how I need him to get help. There was nothing anyone could do I was told over and over.

The doc put him on meds, and we will see how he titers up. Frankly I am not sure that this is going to work, because as we all know you have to want to help yourself, meds or not, and I don't think he truly does.

To say that I am stressed out would be like saying that the a-bomb was a 22 bullet. My blood pressure is very high, my stomach hurts all day long, and I can hardly sleep anymore. I really wonder which I will be planning his graduation or his funeral. So, we are on our own with this 17 year old boy who is hell bent on destroying the rest of his body and no one else gives a shit. Thanks DSS.

I miss blogging, but I just don't find the joy in it that I used to. I am thinking of taking a long break, or possibly starting a new blog... not really sure yet what I need to do.

Right now, I just keep thinking about Yesterdays.