For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on one hand, but on the other I knew deep in my heart it was going to fail. I am not sure why I thought this, but if I had to guess I think it is because I truly feel as though my quota of happiness has been filled with all the blessings I already have. Clark, Kent and Turtle are all amazing people that I get to share my life with everyday, and I let my greed for more of the same consume me. I have "talked" to myself about what I really want with another child, and more often then not it was mostly to prove that I could do it again, have a baby that is. Not that I wouldn't love another child, but I worry very much that my thought process about having another child was selfish. I have a constant need to prove myself, I have since I was very young when it became apparent to me that my father had not wanted a girl as his first born child, or period. I knew I could never live up to my brothers in his eyes, so I did everything I could to please him. I still don't think I can. Nothing like having to live up to two people who were born more loved then you because of a different chromosome.
Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me Thursday for our follow up appointment, because I cannot make it into the office to see her personally. She said she was very sad that after all we did and tried this cycle failed. She knows I am in a place of resignation. She told me not to walk away from the frozen embryo's that we have without giving her one last chance. I told her that I honestly wasn't sure that I had it in me to fight the IF war anymore, and that I am very angry with my uterus and body right now, so that would be something I would have to really think hard about. She told me that they have one final trick they want to try and if that didn't work then she would let me go. I told her that Clark and I would talk and I would let her know. We talked about it that day, that night, and last night. Clark said to me, "You know in your heart what you want to do, so why are we even talking??" Why? Because I seem to be able to kill embryo's better then I can make them live that is why, and I need to feel like I am not alone in this. He is done, but I know that he will do whatever I ask him to because he loves me.
The last 48 hours have been hard on me mentally and emotionally. I have fought the Pro/Con fight, and I still cannot settle on any Pro's, but the list of Con's is longer then my arm. I am worried how I will take the bad ending of another cycle, this one was just so hard, it really damaged my heart. I worry about how this is taking away from Turtle, and if it will have a lasting effect on her. I worry that if I push the issue with Clark it may hurt us as couple. I worry about my body, I am not a spring chicken anymore, and all of this is taking a toll. There are so many more that I can't list them all. The only Pro I have is that I MAY get pregnant, and I MAY end up with a baby at the end, and since it isn't a deffinate, then it really dosen't count as a Pro.
So that is what mean in my title, I am at a crossroads. Do I risk the FET, or do I just walk away while I can?? I told Dr. OvaryWhisperer before I hung up, in my most sarcastic tone, "Thanks for letting that Bitch Hope back in the door."
What’s the word for one step past kintsukuroi?
5 hours ago