May 1, 2009


For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on one hand, but on the other I knew deep in my heart it was going to fail. I am not sure why I thought this, but if I had to guess I think it is because I truly feel as though my quota of happiness has been filled with all the blessings I already have. Clark, Kent and Turtle are all amazing people that I get to share my life with everyday, and I let my greed for more of the same consume me. I have "talked" to myself about what I really want with another child, and more often then not it was mostly to prove that I could do it again, have a baby that is. Not that I wouldn't love another child, but I worry very much that my thought process about having another child was selfish. I have a constant need to prove myself, I have since I was very young when it became apparent to me that my father had not wanted a girl as his first born child, or period. I knew I could never live up to my brothers in his eyes, so I did everything I could to please him. I still don't think I can. Nothing like having to live up to two people who were born more loved then you because of a different chromosome.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me Thursday for our follow up appointment, because I cannot make it into the office to see her personally. She said she was very sad that after all we did and tried this cycle failed. She knows I am in a place of resignation. She told me not to walk away from the frozen embryo's that we have without giving her one last chance. I told her that I honestly wasn't sure that I had it in me to fight the IF war anymore, and that I am very angry with my uterus and body right now, so that would be something I would have to really think hard about. She told me that they have one final trick they want to try and if that didn't work then she would let me go. I told her that Clark and I would talk and I would let her know. We talked about it that day, that night, and last night. Clark said to me, "You know in your heart what you want to do, so why are we even talking??" Why? Because I seem to be able to kill embryo's better then I can make them live that is why, and I need to feel like I am not alone in this. He is done, but I know that he will do whatever I ask him to because he loves me.

The last 48 hours have been hard on me mentally and emotionally. I have fought the Pro/Con fight, and I still cannot settle on any Pro's, but the list of Con's is longer then my arm. I am worried how I will take the bad ending of another cycle, this one was just so hard, it really damaged my heart. I worry about how this is taking away from Turtle, and if it will have a lasting effect on her. I worry that if I push the issue with Clark it may hurt us as couple. I worry about my body, I am not a spring chicken anymore, and all of this is taking a toll. There are so many more that I can't list them all. The only Pro I have is that I MAY get pregnant, and I MAY end up with a baby at the end, and since it isn't a deffinate, then it really dosen't count as a Pro.

So that is what mean in my title, I am at a crossroads. Do I risk the FET, or do I just walk away while I can?? I told Dr. OvaryWhisperer before I hung up, in my most sarcastic tone, "Thanks for letting that Bitch Hope back in the door."


My Reality said...

If you don't do it, will you always wonder?

If it were me, I think I would do it. But the good thing about an FET - you can wait a bit because you don't have to worry about your ovaries ticking. So if you aren't ready now, but in a year you are, it is still ok if that makes sense.

Don't decide anything definite just yet.

And if you want to chat, you know how to find me.

intricatelycomplex said...

Rebel, seems you have some serious thinking left to do.
Asking us Internets is probably not much help in the end, as while we all mean well, chances are 50% will be on one side, 50% on the other side.
In any case, and I'm sure you already know this, but its truly up to you and what think you can handle, financially, emotionally and physically.
I would've liked to have read that Clark was a little more supportive or maybe compassionate in what you are going through. I don't know, it just seems that you are pretty alone in making the decision, which can be intimdating and scary and lonely at the best of times.
I hope you figure this out soon. The main question I think you should ask yourself is: Can you live with yourself, live your life to its fullest with absolutely no regrets, if you walk away at this point?
Good luck Rebel. Many hugs for you at this really confusing time!
Oh and thankyou for a reply to last post, it's very much appreciated.

Kristin said...

I don't know what the hell I would do in your situation. If the lovenox hadn't worked for me I don't think I would have had it in me to try again. But, then again, I never thought I would keep trying through so many losses. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I am here for you. Keyboard, telephone, or just positive thoughts and prayers...whatever you need, I will try and help.

Lorraine said...

Oh,I know this crossroads. See me waving from the other corner?

I feel sometimes that I am only doing this because I need to prove that I am not quitter, that I can do what it takes, that I am not taking no for an answer.

Of course I would like a sweet squishy baby at the end of this crappy road, but part of me feels that I've invested so much in the process, I should just keep on till I've finished. It's hard to walk away.

It would be harder with frozen embryos.

Shawna said...

You sweet soul. It sounds like what you need is just a step away from the whole issue, a nice break from even thinking about it. I know it has completely consumed you for so long. You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear one.

Tutu said...

I've never been in your position, but the one thing I want to tell you is to NOT let the age thing be much of a factor. I was 40 when I had my little guy. He is perfect, it was my easiest pregnancy, easiest labor, easiest delivery.

You've gotta do what YOU are lead to do. The worst thing in the world, for me at least, would be to look back 10 years from now and wish you had tried one more time. Yes, it will most likely devastate you if you try and it fails. Notice I said "it fails", not "you fail". NONE of this is your fault! But if it is a success? You seem like an amazing mother, any kid would be lucky to have you, and to know that you fought that hard to bring a child into the world...what an amazing legacy!

Take your time, pray about it, think it through, and know you have support no matter what decision you make!


Jason and Samantha said...

I would have no idea what to do in your situation. Honestly I have no advice. I just wanted to let you know you have been in my thoughts.


Kahla said...

I have to agree, if I were in your shoes and didn't do it, then I would always wonder. But I know that it is a decision that only you can make. I've never done a FET (all five of ours were fresh), but for the first time we have two totsicles and I know that I can not just give them up. I hear that FET are so much easier on your body. Wishing you lots of lots and sending lots of prayers in helping you make a decision.

Aunt Becky said...

Man, Rebel, what a hard position to be in. If you ever want to chat about it, I'm around.


Joey's Mama said...

((((( ))))) You don't have to make a decision now. Take a deep breath, enjoy the upcoming summer with your little turtle. The embies will wait for you if you decide that is the path you want to take. I am here for you no matter what. I love you.


Poison Ivy said...

Here's my 2 cents...
You have a very caring doctor! Trying one more time with the secret weapon your Dr has will help you turn the page on this chapter in your life; what ever way the cycle turns out. You have us here to support you which ever you decide.
(((big hugs)))

Chickenpig said...

I was in your shoes once, kind of. I got pregnant on my third round of IVF, only to have the pregnancy end after 8 weeks. We had been trying for almost 5 years, and this was the closest we had gotten to having a baby. I didn't want to try anymore...but I had 4 embryos in the bank. I couldn't walk away while there was all that potential sitting there. Especially since we had great insurance coverage, and FETs are so much easier physically and take up less time and effort. To make a long comment short, I had to give it one more shot, although I was very unhappy and seriously doubted it would work. I am very glad that I did, because I now have great twin boys as a result.

Katie said...

Over from L&F. I did not do a FET, but did do a fresh cycle with the blood thinner Lovenox. You only have to take it once a day instead of the multiple times with others. It is WAY worth it, even though it does not have a generic form and is usually a higher copay. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wish you all of the luck in the world!

soupgirl 79 @ aol com