May 30, 2009

Screwed again....

by my Uterus and Ovaries!

The Hush Hush reference in my last post was about us doing an FET.

After many hours of discussions, begging, crying, and talking it out, Clark and I finally decided that we would do this one FET, transferring the best 3, and then the rest of our Totcicles will be placed for adoption.

We came to a final decision just 2 days before I was to finish the active pills in my BCP pack, so it was a rush to get the RE and the IVF nurse to order the meds and all that fun junk. I had to go in for blood work to check clotting times since I will be on Heparin for the FET, and we were good to go, or so I thought.

Tuesday I started getting worried because after 5 days off the pill... no AF. So I call, and Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me back and said come in Thursday for B/W and U/S. Everything on the U/S looked quiet, and I waited for the call to start patches. The nurse called and said no go because Dr. OvaryWhisperer needed to sign off and look at the B/W, so I would hear from them the next day. Friday evening, I get the call... No FET this month. My Estrogen and progesterone are all screwed up thanks to the BCP's, and starting meds would have been a waste of time and money. I have to spend 21 days on estrogen, and then 7 days on provera, pray like hell that I get a period so that I can start patches on July 2nd. The earliest that I can start patches for a transfer in July is the 2nd because of the lab closure from the 27th of June to the 7th of July

Now, normally I would be all sunshine and roses about waiting so that everything is just right, but putting off this FET means that I will either have to do one of a few things.....

We are scheduled to go on vacation on the 31st of July, been planned for almost 2 years, and the state I am going to doesn't have one single Labcorp in it.... So.....

1. Have the transfer sometime in the first part of July, and then not get a Beta until sometime in the middle of August.

2. If I don't get AF before the 15th of July we will have to cancel the whole thing until at least September or later, due to above mentioned vacation.

3. Pray like hell that I get AF this week, before Friday, so that I can go ahead and cycle before the lab closes, and don't have to start on the estrogen.

Not to mention the fact that if we do transfer in early July and the Beta is negative, I will be pretty upset, so it could very well ruin the vacation for me!!

I don't know what is going to happen, but I can tell you that the thought "God is tryin' to tell you something" has gone through my head more then once the last 2 days.

However, I need to go on this vacation because,

1) My grandparents are in their 80's, and have not seen the Turtle yet.

2) We need a family vacation where Clark can go to ( he always ends up staying home to care for the dogs)

3) I want to make sure that we enjoy this summer as a family.

4) I miss my mom, and she is on our "To Visit" list.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. I just got so angry with my body last night, no matter how well I treat it, it always ends up screwing me in the end, and I am soooo over it.

I know that my blog has been a lot of gloom and doom for the last little while, and I am sorry if that is turning anyone away. These are my feelings honestly from day to day, and while I hope that things will get better, I have this one hurdle to get over so that I can get on with my life in whatever form it ends up taking. This is a very hard thing for me, harder even then working towards the Turtle, because I know what it is like to have a baby in my life and I want nothing more then to experience the whole thing over again. I am even more frustrated with my body now to then I was before Turtle, because I always expected it to let me down.... Now that I know it can do it, I don't understand why it won't.

I have reverted back to pre-Turtle days in the way that I get all tight in the chest when I see a pregnant woman or a family with a newborn. Pregnancy announcement's hit me hard and deep, even when I know the women have fought hard to get those 2 lines, it doesn't matter, it isn't me getting those 2 lines. I am terribly jealous of any and all pregnant woman right now, and I know I shouldn't be, I have no right to steal their joy, but it seems so hard for me to swallow this pill that I have been handed without a fight. So, I choke, cough, bargain, and beg for the one thing that I desperately want instead of just taking a drink and letting it go down without a fight. I guess I am not much of a quitter, but I am usually pretty unhappy while I am trying to achieve my goal.... figure that one out!!

I will keep you all updated on what is up. Until then Hugs to everyone!!!


Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} and prayers Rebel. Remember i am a phone call away if you need me.

Aunt Becky said...

Aw Rebel, I'm sorry.

My Reality said...

Sigh. Thinking of you my friend.

Kristine said...

Hang in there girl. I believe you can make this happen.

Poison Ivy said...

Hold on sugar, while I grab the chocolate, Jelly Belly Jelly Beans and move over on the bench so we can sit this out together! sometimes, life sucks. That's why there's caffeine and sugar!

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