November 15, 2008

Up for Air

So, I have been doing the whole thinking thing, and I regret to inform you all that as a blond it has become increasingly difficult for me.

Turtle will be 10 months old in 2 days, and I find myself definitely reverted back to the very angry, very bitter infertile that I was just 10 short months ago. I realized its depth while at the pediatricians office during a visit that was forced by the Klonopin episode of late.

Turtle and I took a tumble over the baby gate, and we both ended up with nasty bruises, but she started having a fit every time I would change her diaper, so I wanted to get her hip checked just to be on the safe side. Clark was with us, and I swear to you it was the the only time I have been in that office when there had to have been a birth wave over the weekend. Twelve, yes twelve newborns under a week old were paraded in front of my face in the 45 minutes that we sat in the waiting room. If it hadn't been for Clark holding my hand I probably would have melted in a puddle of tears.

I almost got into a verbal confrontation with a mother of twins who was there professing the goodness of her RE... who I know for a fact to be a joke, but I kept my mouth shut.

I fell into a tearful mess when the Ped made Turtle cry while manipulating her hips. She then restored my faith that they weren't going to call CPS by giving me a big hug and telling me that if this ended up being the worst thing that I ever unintentionally do to the Turtle, it will be a miracle!!! Her hip is fine, just a deep muscle bruise, and she is already over it and crawling all over the house.

I have returned to the land of hating to see pregnant women.

I can hardly stand to walk into the baby area of any store... and I HAVE to buy diapers people!! I have been forcing Clark to do alot of the "baby" associated shopping, or I will literally walk down the isle mindlessly grabbing things just to hurry my exit from the area. That is starting to get a little expensive honestly.

Yesterday I found myself at our local children's hospital for Kent's yearly MRI. I was frozen with fear from the time we walked in the front door. Mostly because I fear that this is the MRI that will usher back the C word into his life. Secondly because it has an amazing amount of those little things called Babies. Even with the Turtle there with me (which we found out was actually not allowed) I would feel my breath catch everytime I saw a tiny little bundle.

I really didn't think it was going to be this hard after I had the Turtle to give up the anger and bitterness. I really hope that I will start to see things differently, and soon.


Samantha said...

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. The news from your hystereoscopy has got to be difficult to handle. Hang in there and know we're here to give you support.

Kahla said...

*sigh* It sucks. I wish I could say that time would make it better but my Doodlebug is almost 4 now and I still have those feelings.

I'm sorry your results were not better from the hystereoscopy. Big hugs to you.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm sorry, Rebel. That sounds completely horrible.

Lots of love, my friend.

Tracey said...

I am so sorry...God bless and many prayers your way!

Kristin said...

Oh Rebel...I am so sorry. Love and {{{{hugs}}}}.

Soxy Deb said...

I'm sorry your struggling so hard Reb. {{HUGS}}

Anonymous said...

Rebel, I really don't mean to be hurtful but as your friend I am worried about you, seriously. I mean you are crying because of seeing babies, when you still HAVE a baby. You had one just this year! Sadly, they DO grow up. It's what they do. Mine just turned 4. But I was told for so many years I would not have ONE, that I am basking in the glory of having proved them all wrong and being a mom. It's the best job I ever had. I can't have more but it's ok. I have gotten past that because it was the only way I could be happy. And it was clearly time for me to be happy and let go of the pain. Same for you. My whole outlook on life has changed since having him and dealing with some of his issues. I take nothing for granted. I learned what is important in life and what to let go of in order to help him be the best he can be. There are much worse things in life that what I am dealing with.

Did your RE tell you could not have more? Remember I had fibroids and polyps acting as IUD's. Once they were removed I got pregnant. Took a while but I did. Until she tells you she won't do another IVF, try to keep some hope. Even if you can't have more, and in the meantime, please try to be happy. Life is just too darn short........