October 29, 2008

You may not actually Want to know

So, how do you know when you have neglected your blog for far to long???

When you get an instant message directing you to your own blog... and a note saying " Uh Hello?" Course you wouldn't know anything about that would you MaryKayLady??

So yes, I do know I have been very neglectful of my peeps, but what can I say other then....... The shit has hit the fan, and I can't wipe it off my glasses fast enough to see the next round coming?

I am about to be brutally honest. More so then I have ever been on this blog before. I will not turn off the comments, but I will not tolerate any shit slinging either. If you don't have something nice to say then keep it to yourself........

Remember a few posts back when I said the P-Doc (who will from here on out be called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind) had given me a new script for this little pill called Klonopin... yeah well guess what, that shit is EVIL!!! I took a lot of time deciding to take this little pill, and I can tell you first hand if you ever what to know what Post Partum Depression feels like up close and personal take one of those little monsters for oh, say about 4 days, and then you look at this cute little baby that took you years and thousands of dollars to finally get, and HONESTLY wish her dead. I wanted to hurt her. Hit her. Shake her. Smother her. Do whatever I had to to shut her up really.

She wanted to eat and take a nap.

On the 5th day, I called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind hysterically crying because I couldn't even stand to look at my own daughter, and the suicidal thoughts were running around in my head with sharp knives, and this prick tells me... I can't remember honestly, but do you know how you feel when you get chewed out for something stupid in front of people... like you got your hand slapped?? Well that is how I felt when I got off the phone with him. I honestly don't remember his words.... something about he has never had this happen to any of his other patients before... blah, blah, blah.......

Now having been his patient for almost 6 years he obviously doesn't know me very well now does he???? So this man makes me feel 2 inches tall... not a good thing to do to a Bi-polar woman, under normal circumstances, much less these, and I literally called Clark at work freaking out. He came home early and took the next day off so that he could be with me and the Turtle. Oh and those pills... yeah they hit the septic system fast as they could when he walked in the door.

I started a fist fight with the man I have spent over almost 16 years sleeping next to, while he was holding our daughter. By that fifth night when the fists were flying, and I only remember snatches of it really, all of those days actually, I could see the anger on Clark's face.... not AT me, but at me. He knew it wasn't me in there, but I know he was pissed that I was going through what I was. He has since told me that he was really scared that he was going to have to hurt me to protect Turtle. Sad isn't it?? Your child needing protection from you, and not in a good way.

Needless to say Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind will no longer be profiting from me or WeSuck. I mean the man should give me a little credit. He knows I am obsessive about what I will put into my body, and very careful about side effects. So of course I G00gled it, printed out the sheets, and Clark and I read them over. I knew what to look out for, and so did he. We are if anything here in the InfertileHouse, diligent.

I may never be able to fully describe the guilt that I will carry with me for the rest of my life about those days... especially the last one where I do honestly feel that had it not been for Clark on the other end of the phone some bad things would have happened here in this house.

I mean how can you feel about yourself when you know that you sat and fully wanted to harm another person, an innocent little person at that?? A child that you carried and birthed, and have loved since the time before she was conceived??

I feel like a piece of shit, more then you will ever even have a clue... unless of course you have been there to.

It truly breaks my heart.

Now when I fuss at the dogs or at Kent she flinches, and it kills me just a little more inside. I have planted that little seed of mistrust in her without even being in control of it, and it makes me sick to think that Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind honestly thinks that I was making that shit up.

He should have been here. Maybe I could have punched him in the face for good effect.

That hasn't been the only thing going on, but to tell you the truth just typing that out drained the energy out of me. I am going to leave the rest for tomorrow, but I need to decide how much to divulge because it has to do with Kent. I may end up taking it over to Fruits, just not sure yet.

I am feeling much, much better, have been in touch with a new doctor, saw her on Monday, but I did want to let you all know We are alive... a little ruff around the edges, and worse for the wear, but still here.


momofonefornow said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I had a few moments when my precious baby made me so angry that I could have snapped. Luckily my dh was laid off of work so he was there to step in when the uglies got bad enough. I am with you on the guilt thing. Give turtle time, she will trust again, she will forget.

(((hugs))) I hope things get better soon.

Rhonda said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! And I do understand that anger. My 14 year old brings out the absolute worst in me, and the other day I actually went after her and was going to do some serious damage if I caught her. It was pretty awful to see so much red that the common sense of the situation can't seep through.

I'm glad you're back, and I don't see any reason for shit-slinging in that post.

Just compassion.

Kristin said...

Oh honey...I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. Thank God you were able to see what was happening and reach out...focus on that instead of the guilt over what did happen. I haven't been through this myself but I've been through it with a dear friend. If you need me, I am hear and you know how to reach me. {{{Hugs}}}, love, and lots of prayers my friend.

Soxy Deb said...

I've also been there Reb, but he was older. 14. And if not for my mom being there and pulling me off of him...well, I just shudder to think. Cause I was hitting him. With all my adult force.

So although these situations are completely different, I do understand your guilt.
The only comfort you can take from this, is you and Clark figured out what was going on and stopped it before anything truly awful happened. As she gets older, she will forget all that Reb. Trust me.
Just work on you now. Keep talking to us - or someone - but know that we are all here. And we always will be, to listen to anything you want to tell us. No judgements whatsoever. We just love you.

Rachel Inbar said...

I hope you will stop feeling the guilt soon and realize that it was the drugs that made you feel that way. Turtle will trust you again as soon as you show her that you're worthy of her trust (which I'm sure will be very quickly).

And I think you might be wrong about people not understanding. We've all been in situations where we feel we could lose control and do things we would undoubtedly regret forever.

Feel better soon :-)

Dora said...

What everyone said! It was the drug. I hope you can find a new P-doc soon. I hate that the idiot made you feel it was your fault. It was HIS fault.

Turtle will relax. It will be okay.

DD said...

My heart aches for you. I've watched my son pull away from both my husband and myself at different times and it's like a bucket of cold water. To feel those emotions w/o the control? Yeah, the doctor sucks to the nth degree.

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kibbles said...

I'm in awe: BAD, *bad* DR!

Anyone who reads your blog -even without having met you in "real life" -can attest to how much you adore your daughter.
Drugs are so powerful, this drug was clearly in complete control over you!
That person wasn't YOU!
Dont beat yourself up over something over which you had no control.
Babies are so resilient. Turtle will bounce back more and more every day as she realizes the REAL Mommy she has known and loved and trusted from Day 1 is who you are.
She will not remember anything but your love.
<< Hugs >>

Susan said...

Sorry about that. I re-read my comment and it just didn't capture what I wanted to say which is...I am so sorry that you went through this and hope that the new dr. has a brain and perhaps an empathic bone in her body. Turtle and Kent have the "big picture" imprinted on their psyches. Meaning problems and crises happen to every family but in this one, we stick together and solve it together. That's a strong and loving message! Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I think I emailed you before you took the Klonopin and said YUK lol I had the same exact thing happen to me, so your doc is nuts, lol its very common with a lot of people to react that way. I took the klonopin 2 times and I thought I was going to kill myself. I flushed them ASAP (this was 10 yrs ago). I am taking xanax now just a low dose and I feel ok. Not everyone can take the xanax either. My friend takes Klonopin and feels nothing. go figure. It was enough to scare the life out of me and ill never take it again.

Dont feel guilty (of course im struggling with a lot of guilt myself so i understand how you feel). Hang in there. Im here when you need to chat.


Aunt Becky said...

I have put holes in many walls rather than in someone I love. The rage, I understand it.

Hope you feel better soon, my friend.

Erin said...

No advice, though I hope that you're able to forgive yourself soon. Medications are so difficult to figure out.


Samantha said...

I'm so sorry, that must have been so scary! I'm so relieved you have another doctor!

poison ivy said...


Lost in Space said...

Huge hugs, Rebel. I am so sorry you went through this and hate that your doctor let you down so horribly. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you weren't "you". Turtle will trust you completely again. Hang in there.

Huge hugs.