Bad Uterus... No Embryo's for you...

I know it has taken me longer then I expected to get back up on my feet and get typing. My heart and mind have had a lot to process. Physically it was harder to bounce back this time to. I wanted to get to a place where I could think clearly about the past few days without breaking down into a sniviling mess before I posted about the surgery.

So the Hysteroscopy was so so. The Cytotec was horrible!! Dr. OvaryWhisperer told Clark that there were 2 masses, one of them totally occluding my tubes, that she removed. One being possibly a polyp, and the other she wasn't sure. They are off in the pathology lab to get checked out. There is also an issue of some scar tissue in the ute. It seems to have come from the bleed that I had when I was pg with the Turtle, and it is right in the spot where they leave the embies during a transfer, that is also where some of the polyp was at. The fact that I will cycle again is completely up in the air for at least a few months, in all reality this could very well mean an end to our journey. To put the embies higher risks ectopic pg, and lower just is closer for them to"fall out", or cause severe previa issues if they implant so low.

My heart is in a million pieces and have decided to keep most of the info to myself IRL for now. I get tired of the pity people get on their faces when I try to talk about it, so I am just not going to go there for awhile. I have my post-op follow up on the 19Th, and I guess we will deal with the questions then. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed about this development, because I was hoping and praying that she would get in there and see NOTHING but a shiny happy ute, but then in my heart I knew better.

Things on this journey have never been easy for us, and it really pisses me off that I have to struggle to win every little battle, when there are teens and drugs addicts out there just popping kids out left and right. Where is the justice in that?? I guess the bitter old me before the Turtle is back in full strength again. I am sick to death of the comments, and I swear to you all that the next person who even thinks about telling me that "I should just be thankful that I have the Turtle" is going to get the holy shit kicked out of them. Of course I am thankful for her....more then I am sure she or anyone who hasn't struggled with IF will ever understand. She lights my days, and makes me happier then I have been in a long time.

I guess I am just tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired of trying. Tired of crying. Tired of having my heart broken. Tired of feeling like I am not ever enough. Just plain tired. Maybe I am done with all this IF crap, and maybe I am not, but I can tell you that I am worn slam out with the injustice of it all.