November 11, 2008

Bad Uterus... No Embryo's for you...

I know it has taken me longer then I expected to get back up on my feet and get typing. My heart and mind have had a lot to process. Physically it was harder to bounce back this time to. I wanted to get to a place where I could think clearly about the past few days without breaking down into a sniviling mess before I posted about the surgery.

So the Hysteroscopy was so so. The Cytotec was horrible!! Dr. OvaryWhisperer told Clark that there were 2 masses, one of them totally occluding my tubes, that she removed. One being possibly a polyp, and the other she wasn't sure. They are off in the pathology lab to get checked out. There is also an issue of some scar tissue in the ute. It seems to have come from the bleed that I had when I was pg with the Turtle, and it is right in the spot where they leave the embies during a transfer, that is also where some of the polyp was at. The fact that I will cycle again is completely up in the air for at least a few months, in all reality this could very well mean an end to our journey. To put the embies higher risks ectopic pg, and lower just is closer for them to"fall out", or cause severe previa issues if they implant so low.

My heart is in a million pieces and have decided to keep most of the info to myself IRL for now. I get tired of the pity people get on their faces when I try to talk about it, so I am just not going to go there for awhile. I have my post-op follow up on the 19Th, and I guess we will deal with the questions then. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed about this development, because I was hoping and praying that she would get in there and see NOTHING but a shiny happy ute, but then in my heart I knew better.


Things on this journey have never been easy for us, and it really pisses me off that I have to struggle to win every little battle, when there are teens and drugs addicts out there just popping kids out left and right. Where is the justice in that?? I guess the bitter old me before the Turtle is back in full strength again. I am sick to death of the comments, and I swear to you all that the next person who even thinks about telling me that "I should just be thankful that I have the Turtle" is going to get the holy shit kicked out of them. Of course I am thankful for her....more then I am sure she or anyone who hasn't struggled with IF will ever understand. She lights my days, and makes me happier then I have been in a long time.

I guess I am just tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired of trying. Tired of crying. Tired of having my heart broken. Tired of feeling like I am not ever enough. Just plain tired. Maybe I am done with all this IF crap, and maybe I am not, but I can tell you that I am worn slam out with the injustice of it all.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hugs girl, and let me know if you need anything.
Love ya girl

Your German friend

Tracey said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!! "totally done with this crap." I know the feeling. Glad you are physically better. Lots of prayers you way. God Bless!

Dora said...

Oh, sweetie! This SUCKS!!!

Wish I could think of something wise to say. Sending you a great big hug!

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Rebel, I'm sorry, dude. What a damn roller coaster you must be on right now. While I don't pretend to understand exactly how you feel, I'm here if you need me.

I got two shoulders AND two fists with your name on it. And the fists aren't for beating YOU, they're for beating OTHER crappy people.

Soxy Deb said...

Being one of those who has never had trouble conceiving, I am not sure what to say. I wish I had the words.

Maybe taking a break from it all is a good idea though. Just to clear your mind and heart a little.

You know I love you and I am so sorry for your pain.

Erin said...

Oh no, I was really hoping for you to get good news about cycling! How disappointing! I will be thinking about you and if you need anything from afar, let me know.

Rhonda said...

Okay, so I have a question. If there were issues there from turtle's birth and polyps from your 'condition' (I so hate that word) why did they let you go ahead and try again? Shouldn't they have checked that out and possibly save you, oh, I don't know, $10000 or so? (My extreme dislike for the medical profession is showing a little bit, sorry)

Big hugs to you! I'm sorry that the news isn't good!

Kristin said...

I am so sorry Rebel. You have my phone number...call me if you need a shoulder to lean on.

poison ivy said...

I love you. will call you in a few days.

Susan said...

Tired? Try freakin' exhausted and wrung out!! Hugs to you...

Jason and Samantha said...

(hugs) I'm so very sorry. I wish I had something say to make you feel better.

BTW - what's your email address, I lost it.

Lost in Space said...

Hugs, Rebel. I'm so sorry and wish there was an easy answer. Much love.

SAHW said...

I'm sorry...yes, it does suck, and yes, even after being pregnant or having Turtle, it totally makes sense that it hurts to see random teens and people who totally should not be having kids popping them out...I wish there were an easy answer. Hope you enjoy the weekend and take it easy.

Momma Val said...

I have a stupid uterus. We have one very beautiful child too. We want another one . . . . nothing's happening and we NOW realize that he may have been a complete fluke or an extreme miracle. When people say be grateful for the one it is shit. I hear you!!! Hang in there, I know it's hard. Hi, BTW, my name is Val. Just found you, at the worst time.

Braja said...

Who says you're not enough? Who keeps raising the bar just when you've achieved something that by normal standards is mindblowing. Come on, lighten up on yourself...you sound fine to me...

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