December 7, 2008

A Line in the Sand

I often struggle with my heart. It is a big thing, and it gets me into so much trouble.

Of course I am not refering to the actual organ that resides in my chest keeping me alive.

I am talking about that one that I wear on my sleeve.

I know that a couple of posts ago I put up the picture of the
T-shirt I have, and while most of the time it is true...

(you know like when you are Black Friday shopping, and the woman behind you refuses to stop running up your ankles, and you have to cuss her out... yeah that is usually when I don't care)

But when I have a friend(s), maybe we have never met IRL, but we have shared something so sacred as a journey through IF, and come out on the other side somewhat intact.

I love them and care for them with all that I have.

Call and need something for one of them.

I am there.

Need a shoulder.

I am there.


I am there.

Late night phone calls.

Long IM's.

Emails, cards... the list could go on.

I have held hands and wiped away tears, all because of this thing we call IF.

I will have some of the friends I have made on the internet, because of Infertility, for the rest of my life.

Some of them have moved on, perhaps the memories to painful, with a soft goodbye.

Some however have choosen instead to walk away. Not in a nice "see you sometime" way either.

They have decided to try to hurt me on the way out.

I am not your average woman. I am no girly girl. I love my fun like a guy in most ways. Give me a truck to "mud" in, I will have a ball. Take me out on a 4 wheeler running wide open in the woods... ahh fun.

I have a sometimes very sick sense of humor.

I am brutally honest and blunt.

I am Bi-Polar

Oh yeah and then there are the animals..... 6 dogs and 3 cats... it used to be more... I had puppies all over the place. We ran a rescue from our house, and brought pregnant dogs home from the local pounds so they and thier puppies could find good homes. Come on you know us Infertiles... we hoard the furry four legged kids til we get real babies.

I am not however... dirty, nasty, mean, rude, crazy, drama queen... some of the words used to describe me recently.

I guess what I am saying is that, yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, I choose to do so willingly. In the last few months though, the stitching has been coming slowly unraveled as one by one people I thought were my friends have done things that I can't understand.

I am simple with my feelings. I love my friends and my family, faults and all, however I have really been trying hard to understand what is causing all of this, and I finally decided:

It is me.

I am to loving and caring.

To honest and willing to share my everything with everyone.

I don't hide my faults.

So people see me as I am.

What you see is what you get.

At some point it either bothers them, or they just start not caring.

We all change, I am not nieve enough to think things will stay the same forever, I just don't expect that people will so brutally hurt me on the way out.

So tonight I am drawing a line in the sand, and people are either on my side or thier not.

No more games, my heart can't take it.

I took it off and put it in a pocket to keep it safe. There may be a day I pull it back out and sew it on my sleeve again, but until then, I am standing by the people I KNOW who have stood by me, and the rest.... well you either stand on my side, or you don't.


Kristin said...

I'm on your side honey! I too have been hurt badly by people I thought were friends and I would never, ever do that to someone I care about. I am here whenever and however you need me.

Tricia said...

:::::Steps on the line and moves really close glaring down the people who are being mean to my friend... jucking ferks::::::

poison ivy said...

I have a 20 stashed in my wallet...I know that won't bail us out, but it's a start if anyone wants to cause shit with us. I am there with you, baby! Point them out, I am having a bit of a hard time right now, and I would LOVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT! ;0
Love ya,
poison ivy

Anonymous said...

p.s. Im calling tomorrow and asking for names! LOL
poison ivy

momofonefornow said...

Why do people have to heinous? What is the point? I suppose I haven't been around long but I am on your side. I also think you are definitely onto something. Very rarely does anyone actually want the truth. They want a things to be neat and pretty, wrapped in a bow with no raged edges. If you give them anything else they will deal for awhile but eventually decide that the only reality they want to deal with is their own. I for one want the honesty. My significant other is just the opposite so, in all reality, I crave that honesty.

Not to mention, it is better to live this life with a few friends that will be there through thick and thin than to live it with a hundred who will cut and run at the first sign of trouble.

Am I the only one that wishes we all lived in the same city so we could go get coffee and cake and have some serious girl time? Sigh....

Rhonda said...

How sad! People can be so cruel! You've endured a lot this year, and there is no way you should be looked at negatively.

Ignore the negative ones. They're no fun to have around anyway.

Soxy Deb said...

Who is being brutal Reb??!! That's not allowed. Not towards you anyway. You know I got nothing but time and you got the land, let me know who it is. We'll get that taken care of right quick.

PS Next time you get some snow, can you send me some....pleeeeeeze?

Just Me. said...

Oh gosh, u've had so much on your plate and u're dealing with this..i've been feeling the same way too.. I hate it that IF has divided so many of my friends and myself that I no longer know anymore.

I am here for you. Email me anytime you want:


Aunt Becky said...

You know I heart you, baby. Always on your side. But you knew that.

Erin said...

What's going on? Feel free to e-mail me but, either way, you know that I'm totally and completely on your side and here to support you however you need.

Susan said...

I am on your side and on the front lin with weapons at the ready. Who are these losers who only feel important when they put down others? Wasn't that a lesson we learned in third grade?

Well done, you, for drawing that line in the sand. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Nothing wrong with feeling the love, though, too. And obviously there's plenty of it out there just for you.

Lost in Space said...

Hugs, hun. I'm sorry someone is messing with you. There are a whole lot of people who have your back and we're here whenever you need us. Many hugs.