I often struggle with my heart. It is a big thing, and it gets me into so much trouble.
Of course I am not refering to the actual organ that resides in my chest keeping me alive.
I am talking about that one that I wear on my sleeve.
I know that a couple of posts ago I put up the picture of the T-shirt I have, and while most of the time it is true...
(you know like when you are Black Friday shopping, and the woman behind you refuses to stop running up your ankles, and you have to cuss her out... yeah that is usually when I don't care)
But when I have a friend(s), maybe we have never met IRL, but we have shared something so sacred as a journey through IF, and come out on the other side somewhat intact.
I love them and care for them with all that I have.
Call and need something for one of them.
I am there.
Need a shoulder.
I am there.
I am there.
Late night phone calls.
Emails, cards... the list could go on.
I have held hands and wiped away tears, all because of this thing we call IF.
I will have some of the friends I have made on the internet, because of Infertility, for the rest of my life.
Some of them have moved on, perhaps the memories to painful, with a soft goodbye.
Some however have choosen instead to walk away. Not in a nice "see you sometime" way either.
They have decided to try to hurt me on the way out.
I am not your average woman. I am no girly girl. I love my fun like a guy in most ways. Give me a truck to "mud" in, I will have a ball. Take me out on a 4 wheeler running wide open in the woods... ahh fun.
I have a sometimes very sick sense of humor.
I am brutally honest and blunt.
I am Bi-Polar
Oh yeah and then there are the animals..... 6 dogs and 3 cats... it used to be more... I had puppies all over the place. We ran a rescue from our house, and brought pregnant dogs home from the local pounds so they and thier puppies could find good homes. Come on you know us Infertiles... we hoard the furry four legged kids til we get real babies.
I am not however... dirty, nasty, mean, rude, crazy, drama queen... some of the words used to describe me recently.
I guess what I am saying is that, yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, I choose to do so willingly. In the last few months though, the stitching has been coming slowly unraveled as one by one people I thought were my friends have done things that I can't understand.
I am simple with my feelings. I love my friends and my family, faults and all, however I have really been trying hard to understand what is causing all of this, and I finally decided:
It is me.
I am to loving and caring.
To honest and willing to share my everything with everyone.
I don't hide my faults.
So people see me as I am.
What you see is what you get.
At some point it either bothers them, or they just start not caring.
We all change, I am not nieve enough to think things will stay the same forever, I just don't expect that people will so brutally hurt me on the way out.
So tonight I am drawing a line in the sand, and people are either on my side or thier not.
No more games, my heart can't take it.
I took it off and put it in a pocket to keep it safe. There may be a day I pull it back out and sew it on my sleeve again, but until then, I am standing by the people I KNOW who have stood by me, and the rest.... well you either stand on my side, or you don't.
Separation Devistation, Middle of Nowhere, Colorado, United States
I am Erica (Rebel) soon to be ex-wife to Keith. I am mom to an amazing little girl named Lauryn (Turtle), and a sweet son named Cody. Keith and I were married for 20 years. After 14 & 1/2 years of trying our 2nd attmept at IVF/ICSI was succesful, and gave us our Lauryn. After living what I though was the life I wanted all along, my world came crashing down December 29th of 2012. I am now separated from Keith, he has custody of Lauryn, and I am alone and trying to find my way back to myself.