I have to start out and say that the P.S. on my last post was directed at a distant family member who ever so politely reminded me that his wife could make babies w/o having to do it in a test tube... and then blocked my emails so that I could not respond... (but I know you read here...) so yeah good for you and your wife Jackass... I hope your right. Just because one "can" reproduce doesn't always mean they should...
Last week was a treat. There are people in my family I have decided that I can do with out. I am over the childish behavior that has accompanied him through the years. Done. No time for the dumb shit anymore. Thank you very much. He reads here to, and didn't have the balls to admit that he had been here until I made an offhanded comment about Kent and the Turtle. He got all uppity, and tells me that he reads my blog, and it is sad that I chose to only talk about Turtle here like she is our only child. I am not doing Kent the justice that he deserves as an adoptive child, our son. We don't include him.
OK follow along. Kent doesn't really wish to be talked about here, there is only so much that I can say and maintain my anonymity, and his. If you had read back far enough, you would know that. Stop pretending you know me. You have no clue the person that I have become, and since you won't take time to pull your head out of your ass and see the real me, then piss off. I refuse to carry guilt that I don't deserve anymore. If you want it, then you can have it all to yourself. I am finished.
So Santa was good to the Infertiles this year for the most part. I got to watch the Turtle get ever so distressed as Clark ripped the paper on her gifts.... She stared at him like he was totally nuts!! I know it had to be going through her mind that mommy fusses about ripping paper all the time so how DARE he sit in front of her and more or less demand that she TEAR UP SOMETHING. She tried to put the paper back where it came from. Ah my analness is rubbing off already!! LOL She was so cute, and loved most of her gifts. There was one from the MIL that scared the hell out of her, it will go in a closet for a few years.
Kent got mostly clothes as he is getting to the age where he is pretty hard to buy for anymore, so new shirts, pants and gift cards tide him over just fine!! Turtle got him the coolest pair of ear buds for his iP*d, and he really liked those.
Clark got sleep pants.... he will never sleep in them, but they were cute!! A tin of Honey Roasted Peanuts. One T-shirt, that I had to get him, HAD to!!! Turtle got him a digital picture frame for his office since he doesn't hang stuff on the walls, and didn't want 10 million frames all over his desk.
I ended up with the camera I had been begging for. Let me just say this.... while it is nice, Kodak needs to get with the program. The camera didn't come with a memory card, a charger, or batteries. Now I could see it if this was say a 50 dollar camera, but it wasn't it was WAY more then that. I just feel like if you aren't going to include the extras, at LEAST forewarn people so that they aren't out X-mas eve trying to buy stuff for said gift when they finally figure it out that the batteries weren't included. Do you know WALMART was Closed really early Christmas eve?? Oh the RedNeck in me was just incensed!!! How dare they Close Walmart??? Poor Clark had not realized that the camera wasn't self powered until he went to charge it up so that I could open it first thing and then take pics of the morning with it.
So off we dash to WallyWorld, only to find out they had closed, and so had most of the rest of this tiny town. There was even a 45 minute wait at the IH*P, which was half empty mind you. So we had Chinese buffet!! I think Turtle ended up happier that way, as she LOVES the mac-n-cheese there, not to mention the bananas with strawberry jello!! She is already a True Southern Girl in her food tastes.
Oh and the batteries were a must have because you cannot use alkaline batteries in this camera. It must be a "pack" or rechargeable, which were as I said above not included. He knew there was no memory card and got those, but batteries people?? Come on now!! Oh and since then I have looked them up on the Net... yeah OK what a racket, it is almost 50 bucks for 2 battery packs, and the charger. I will buy them because I have to, but I am not happy about it!!!
All in all Christmas was nice. It was good to see the family that we have become.
Kent has been a little better behaved so that helps a lot. He has been having some issues with a few people from his birth family, and that was also heavy on my heart last week. I want so much for him to be able to have contact with the family that he wants to, but when those people are full of negativity then he wants nothing to do with them. The hard thing is that it then becomes "my fault", and I have now managed to brainwash him apparently. No people, he just got a mouth, a pair, and decided to tell people he didn't have room in his life right now for them. On one hand I have to be proud of him for standing up for himself like that, and then on the other it hurts my heart because I know he is hurting over trying to do what is right for HIM. I just hope he has the strength to keep going and understand that there are just some people that you are better off without, even if they do share your DNA.
I am ending this year a lot different then I began it. I read my blog for the last few months, and it really made me sad really. I have to let go of things that are keeping me locked in unhappiness. Enough with the bitter, angry me. I can't afford to carry the weight of these feelings anymore. I have decided that this is the last year that we will try for another baby. If 2009 ends with just Kent and Turtle, then that is how it ends. I want to get to living my life with my husband and my kids, and as long as I look for every pain and twinge to be the sign of an impending pregnancy, or keep doing cycles, I cannot do that. So that is the only "resolution" if you want to call it that, this is the last year to make a baby.
I want to leave you with something Clark asked me the other night. He peeked at me as we were snuggling on the couch watching TV, and out of the blue says:
"How am I doing?"
"Huh??" I asked looking up at him.
"With Turtle. How am I doing with her?? Do you think she is gonna be one of those girls who has issues when she grows up because she doesn't feel like her daddy loved her enough??"
"No dear, you are doing an awesome job."
"Are you sure?? I really worry."
"You and every other Dad on the planet!! No dear you are an amazing daddy."
"OK. Do you think I will be able to love another one as much as I love her??"
"I certainly hope so sweetie, otherwise there would be no point in having more then one!"
He amazes me with the depth with which he worries about how she will think of him when she grows up. Poor guy, I think he is worse off then me in the heart on his sleeve department!!
Happy New year all my sweet friends.
This is the year to make all our dreams come true.
Love hard, it will come back to you in the end!! :o)
Separation Devistation, Middle of Nowhere, Colorado, United States
I am Erica (Rebel) soon to be ex-wife to Keith. I am mom to an amazing little girl named Lauryn (Turtle), and a sweet son named Cody. Keith and I were married for 20 years. After 14 & 1/2 years of trying our 2nd attmept at IVF/ICSI was succesful, and gave us our Lauryn. After living what I though was the life I wanted all along, my world came crashing down December 29th of 2012. I am now separated from Keith, he has custody of Lauryn, and I am alone and trying to find my way back to myself.