September 7, 2008

Buttons, Seeds, and Babies

I hoard things.

To most people they are things that are stupid.

Clark thinks they are stupid.

Last year when I was pregnant with the Turtle, I needed to clean out the craft room to make room for the stuff we had been storing in her nursery. So many memories and could have or should have been's in that little room.

12 years ago a fabric and craft store up the road from my house was going out of business. I bought almost 500 buttons for maybe 10 bucks. They were perfect for this comforter I wanted to make. I dreamt about making this for our bed, one of a kind, all original, only one in the world. I hadn't found the fabric at that point, but I had found the "perfect" buttons. Those buttons moved with me 2 times. I never found the right fabric. I bought new comforters last summer. I donated the buttons along with a ton of other craft supplies to the local Children's Hospital.

8 years ago I fell in love with some flowers that were growing out in front of the apartments we lived in. I started collecting the seeds when the flowers died and dried up. They were pretty purple flowers, that only bloomed in the early evening. They smelled amazing. Light and musky, barely there, but amazing. They sort of reminded me of my Infertility journey, because they grew for so long before they bloomed. Since I didn't know what they were called, I called them "Late Bloomers" I later found out that they were called Four O' Clock's because they bloom late in the day. I used to include a few of the seeds when I sold Baby Dust, as sort of an added encouragement. If a flower could bloom late and be that beautiful then so surely could the women of the world who struggled with Infertility.

I found the left over seeds when I was cleaning out the craft room this last year to. I didn't throw them away though as maybe I can get around to planting them now that we have a house all our own. Oh yeah we have been here for almost 6 years... should have done it already right?? I couldn't they are that special to me. Now that Turtle is here, I think I have the perfect spot next spring.

I have all of the cards I have gotten since I was 10 or 11 in some boxes in my closet.

I have pictures from way back in Junior high.

I have every email and letter that Clark wrote me after he joined the Navy, and every one I wrote to him.

I have kept every gift I have gotten from my online friends... no matter how silly, goofy, or odd. I will not get rid of them. Ever. They are that special to me.

I even collect animals. All but 2 of my 6 dogs are a rescue. All 3 of the cats are rescues.

I have food issues. I cannot let there be less then one can or box of my favorite or essential foods in the pantry. God help the person who eats it and doesn't tell me, because I will hunt them down.

So, here I sit in the middle of another IVF cycle, with all my cards on the table.

I feel like I am starting to collect again. This time I am scared I am trying to collect babies. I feel the need to gather up as many as I can and hold on for dear life. I don't need them, I just want them. I can live without them, or can I?? After the Turtle was born, I fell so in love with her that I got very scared that I may not get the chance to have another baby. I have started to worry that I rushed myself and Clark into this cycle to satisfy some deep urge to "Have".

Turtle has lived up to every expectation that I have had of her, and I know that no matter what she is going to be perfect. She just isn't enough. It is so very sad to me in some ways that I feel like this. Have I run towards trying for another baby because my fears have taken over my rational thought process, and I feel that I need to have another baby to fill some deep unknown desire??

I hate Infertility.

Infertility did this to me.

Infertility is forcing me to run, in a panic, not walk back to the clinic.

I feel like a starving child who just had a meal for the first time in a week. I don't need to eat anymore, but I have to. I can't not go for a second helping even though I am so full it hurts.


Tracey said...

I think you said it all with, "I hate infertility." Ditto!!!!

Lost in Space said...

Infertility sucks. Period.

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I don't think for a minute it has anything to do with Turtle not being enough, but more of you wanting more for her (like another sibling to grow up with). Huge hugs.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} and I'm sorry you are feeling this way...but, what a fabulous post. It is so deep and insightful.

3D said...

I think you 'laid out all your cards' in more than one way.
I don't think you believe Turtle isn't enough, more like you want more of her. You went through so much to get her, it's understandable. And now your putting all your 'eggs in this one basket', so your feelings are so jumbled up. It's all understandable.
And still all I can say is, I hope you get and have everything you want and need.

Aunt Becky said...

I hate infertility too.


Dora said...

This process is SOOOOO hard. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle. Remember, you're pumped full of hormones.

Anonymous said...

((((((((big hugs)))))))))
poison ivy

Rhonda said...

Big cyber hugs to you!

Just Me. said...



I'm just like you. I collect every single thing that babes says that I'm such a hoarder.

ps Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. It means everything to me. :)