Well, we have reached that part of the game where I find out if I get to continue on. I am not altogether sure how I feel going into tomorrows appointment. Physically, I am feeling ok, no clues as to the nature of my "suppressed" ovaries, they don't feel like they are mounting a sneak attack, so we may be ok!!
Mentally... ha now that is a whole nother thing... as Deb so eloquently asked me earlier, no I am not in need of that bail money just yet... I have come close, but alas, my brain managed to check itself before my mouth could get my ass kicked, so I am still a free woman!! :o)
Clark actually told me that he has developed a new syndrome... it is called RFS, Restless Fist Syndrome, and if I don't stop being so nasty and mouthy then I may end up with a dent in the back of my skull in the middle of the night!! He assures me that they have no known cure for RFS at this time, so he is using his superhuman strength to control it.
No really I love him, but he hasn't been sleeping well either, and we are both getting pretty punchy (not really). By the time 8 PM rolls around I am ready to curl up in a ball and go into a coma, but there is shit to do here in Infertile House, that can't and won't get done if I am sleeping.
I know that I said I was going to write this long post about feelings, IVF, and how I am doing with all of this, but I frankly haven't had the time or energy. When Turtle naps, I try to grab a few minutes of sleep to. This is one of the things that I don't remember about the last cycle that we did, this Lupr*n really has messed with my sleep. Maybe last time it really didn't matter because Kent got himself off to school, and I didn't need to be up... but now there is this little girl that starts squeaking into the monitor, as if to remind me that she is really there, at 5 or 6 AM, and I can't ignore her. Not that I want to, but it has made things a little harder this time around... ok A LOT harder. I am one of those people who NEEDS their sleep. Without sleep I lose my sense of humor, and I lose it quickly!! I am no fun when I haven't had my 8 hours... just ask RFS Man. So, I have struggled...
I have also spent a lot of time grieving. This will probably be the last cycle we will do. If I get pregnant, it will be the last baby. I have spent so long trying that I can't imagine that not being a part of me anymore. I can't even think of a day where I won't be consumed with the thought of trying to get pregnant. I don't think I will ever be able to stop it. Even when the "Baby Basket" is gone... which it will be after this, baby or not. Damn.
I will let you all know how things go in the morning.... I am sure I will be thoroughly traumatized though, as I will be leaving the Turtle with a babysitter for the first time ever!! GAH!!! I am not ready for that I tell ya. I feel like I am going to die, and it isn't even time to drop her off yet. Geez, what a wuss!! LOL Oh yeah I almost forgot... we had a check-up for Turtle's ears today... infection is gone!! YES!!! She weighed in at 18.8 pounds, and was really good for the doc this time. The doc did say that it looks like she has about 6 teeth trying to come in, so that could account for all of the ear pulling she is doing right now... poor baby!!! She has 3 through, one almost through, and 6 right under the surface... needless to say I think she has earned that dose of Tylenol she got with her bottle tonight, poor baby.
A Not-So Happy Ending
5 hours ago