August 5, 2008

A Confession

I have to admit something. A confession of sorts. It is however totally out there, but it has really been on my mind the last few days.

The morning I had my appointment with the RE last week, I was in the shower, my happy place, and I got to thinking about how blessed I really have been. A great Husband. A great Son. A beautiful little Girl. A house, my health, yada, yada, yada, you know all that stuff that makes a life great.


Then my mind wandered to all of the losses in the Blogosphere IF community as of late, and I thought about how lucky I was there to. I have struggled, and I have lost, but I have not lost like some of you out there. I silently wondered to the universe why nothing horrible like that had ever happened to me. I then told the universe that I wished just once that I could shoulder some of that hurt. That I would "Take one for the Team" so to speak if it meant that one less person had to have her heart broken.

I know it sounds really bizarre, maybe even masochistic, but I am just so tired of seeing the people that I care about get hurt, when I feel like I have had more then my fair share of good luck. I know it would hurt me in some way, but that is the kind of person I am, I would rather hurt then have someone else hurt.

Geez does this sound like total bullshit or does it make sense?? I cannot explain it much better then that.

So, I guess in a way I almost feel like if tomorrow is Bad then someone else somewhere is not getting her Bad news, and you know that almost makes it worth it to me.

9 comments:

Lost in Space said...

I completely "get" what you are saying. I wish I knew if it worked this way, but if it gives you comfort then it works for me.

I am praying that you are not "taking one for the team" tomorrow. Huge hugs.

Kristin said...

In the world of infertility and loss, our feelings don't always make logical sense. But, I completely understand what you are saying.

I really hope you don't end up taking one for the team. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers my friend.

Aunt Becky said...

Your feelings make sense to me.

*hugs*

I don't want you to take one for the team. I want you to be in perfect health tomorrow.

SAHW said...

That's awesome that you feel that way...but I don't think any of us want you to take one for the team! Your hurting would hurt us too! So I'm hoping for good news tomorrow. :)

Mamahut said...

Yes, I mean no. Don't take one for the team. I do understand completely. It kind of scares me though. I have been blessed with all of the things you talk about. With the exception of my dad. It is very sweet of you, but you don't have to take one for us, K? Please remember that if it is, it can be beat. Beat the crap out of it. I really hate "it".

Deb said...

I understand what your saying, but I don't like it. I don't think it works that way anyway.
You need to keep strong Rebel. By now you may be at the docs office already, but I am going to keep a positive thought.
Let me know if you need anything.

Tracey said...

God and I are there for you!

Jenn said...

(Still coming over from Erin... now will be a loyal reader! :) )

I completely understand what you are saying...
I also think just the ultrasound was bad news enough... so I think you took your hit for the team. So from here on out, positive thoughts no matter what. :)
Hope everything goes okay today.

My Reality said...

I don't like it when anyone gets bad news, but I guess in this community, there isn't a way to avoid it entirely.