No, No, not Those Games.......
It is time for the Great IVF Game....
This Game's events will be held mostly at your local infertility clinic, and not nationally televised, unless of course you are totally connected like that!!
The Game will take place over a 34-35 day time period, with room to account for all types of possible delays.
Our first "event" is not a physical challenge, but a mental challenge as you navigate the IVF nurse at your clinic, trying to get the schedule for the assorted events. Completing this task will give you all of the preliminary information you will need to compete in the actual Game.
CD 1 will find you laughing your ass off as you pop your first active Birth Control Pill... oh the freaking irony, it makes me gigle every time. Not to mention I have the chewable kind, that are oh so minty fresh, so my breath smells grand!!!
Our first actual physical event will be held on CD 3. Your initial task will be to navigate huge downtown area of major city, at lunchtime no less, to find the smallest pharmacy on the planet. Once at the pharmacy, your goal is to then navigate your way around WeSuck Ins. Co. to get your meds partially covered. This will be a 1 hour block of your day. It was however made easier by the AwesomePharmacist who called you on CD 2 to help get some of the WeSuck paperwork out of the way.
Your second event will be to negotiate your way back across town, during the same lunchtime, to retrieve 68 pages of contracts. (No really people, I kid you not, and this is the short option at that. Throw in any thing other then IVF with ICSI, and you are looking at over 100 pages to read and sign, easy!!)
Remember to ask for a new Foll*stim Pen to do your injections with, or you will not be allowed to compete. I cannot stress the importance of this little contraption, do not forget it, there is no Main Event without it.
Now you should have all of your supplies together. Lay them out somewhere and take a picture of them so you can show and tell TheWinner just how many drugs were involved in getting the Gold. (Don't worry the IOC will not be checking for Doping at this Game.)
On CD 9 (8-21-08) you will start off on the Suppression Jog. BCP's and Lupron in the morning are ever so nice.
The Suppression Jog will last for one week which takes you to CD 16 (8-28-08). CD 16 marks the last day you have to choke down a minty fresh BCP, you must however keep up the morning abdominal stabbing, injectining that Lupron.
During this week, you will need to find a time to fit in a blood letting, as your HIV test needs to be redone.... (We all know what whores those Infertiles are.) :o)
Your next event is a "timed" one.
The Suppression Check Relay. CD 23 (9-4-08) You will get up at the crack of dawn to drive 2 hours to the clinic.
You then get to sit and wait in the most crowded yet silent room on the planet.
Blood letting is up first, then you are off to strip, "waist down please".
The DildoCam comes into play for the first time here (boy the fun we have had!!)
Just for fun, and because we all know that they need to check it just one more time, your cervix will get to prove it's worthiness by having a "Mock Transfer". Frankly, I don't know why they call it that, I mean the only thing Mock about it is the fact that I have to be there at all.
If all is well, you may go home.
You will then spend the rest of the day wondering if all the drugs have done the job, and you are "Suppressed".
If you are "Suppressed" then you will get to move on to your next event.
The Stimming Hurdles. CD 23 (9-4-08) You will begin injecting an amount of hormones no woman was meant to have cursing through her veins, in the evening hours. You will do this every night until CD 27 (9-8-08). Be prepared for all kinds of side effects. They will vary in severity and intensity for each "Player".
CD 28 (9-9-08) finds you repeating your two hour drive, uncomfortable sit in the waiting room, blood letting and DildoCam appointment. Once again you will be required to wait by the phone for further instructions.
You will most likely repeat this event on CD's 30 (9-11-08), and 32(9-13-08). Come on now people repetition is key for a medal don'tcha Know??
On Day 32 (9-13-08), barring any unforeseen circumstances, you will receive at the least a tentative follicle count. You will once again be sent home and stationed by the phone to see if your numbers are good enough for you to take the "HCG Shooter". If you made it to the finish line in this event, which I hope you will, then with this call you will find out what day you get to attend the next event... "The Retrieval"
The Retrieval will most likely take place on CD 34 or 35 (9-15 ot 9-16) depending on your accuracy at administering your meds, and your bodies desire to get the Game over with.
Two hour drive at the crack of dawn. Again.
Silent sit in waiting room. Again.
Up to pre-op.
Husband off to make his ever so minor contribution.
Happy drugs on board.
Go to OR.
Wake up, and pray like hell they actually got something out of your sorry ass ovaries.
Get more awake.
Next morning you are to sit by the phone. Again. (The repetition is killing me, I hate my phone.)
Clinic calls to tell you how many little Embies you have growing.
Depending on how well the "kids" are behaving, you will get your instructions for our next event.
The Transfer Toddle.
Your day of the Transfer Toddle may vary between 3-5-6 depending on your clinic, and the "kids". Ours will most likely be a day 3.
Two hour drive at crack of dawn (is it just me or do they like to force my ass to get out of my nice, cozy, warm bed at the crack of dawn entirely to many time in 38 days??)
Look at the "Kids" chosen to run the last Lap of the Transfer Toddle.
In they go.
Lay perfectly immobile for an hour.
It is actually all up to the "Kids" now.
You will now get to start what I call the Pee Stick Pace.
I start this event on 5DP3DT. I continue daily, more then once (oh hell who am I trying to kid, at least 3 times a day) until I find out if I got The Gold, or if I finished out of the ranking.
Either way, you get to start a whole new Game all over again.
Wish me luck, as my Game has begun.
What’s the word for one step past kintsukuroi?
6 hours ago