Sorry this is so late, but I have had a long day.
My appointment is set, and will be the 6th at 3:30.
I have done so much crying at this point that there may not be any tears left in me. I cannot tell Kent, he has to much of a sensitive soul, and this would devastate him. Of course Turtle is oblivious. The furries know something is up, they have been all over me all day. They always know when I am sad.
Clark stayed home with us today, and it was nice just to have him here. He hugged me a lot, mostly when he would catch me hiding my tears, and sometimes when there weren't any. He is an amazing man, and I would be so lost without him. This is the second time we have walked this path, or I should say he has held me up to keep walking, and it isn't any easier this time.
I sat in Turtles room today, and looked at the big boxes of clothes that I had packed, saving them for the next little girl who might grace us, and I lost it. Those tiny little clothes she wore just a few short months ago, washed and folded, packed with love. I can't even think about me, all I can seem to see is all of the people I will be letting down if I am sick.
"You know if you never would have done those fertility treatments in the first place..." I can hear it now, I love my Mother, but that will come out of her mouth. I can't even tell her. I need to, but I can't. I can't even answer the phone when she calls. She thinks I am upset about something else. She thinks I am mad at her. If only she knew that I just can't listen to the sound of her heart breaking on the end of the phone line, then she might understand.
I have been staring at my little girl a lot in the last 36 hours, she must think I have lost my mind. I watched her nap this afternoon, and had to resist the urge to wake her up just so I could hold her in my arms and feel her hair on my cheek. She is my world. I just got to this place, and I am so not ready to leave.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments and wishes, hopes and prayers. I will carry them and you with me over the next days as I wait. I could not have ever expected that so many "strangers" would stand next to me, holding my hand. It is truly overwhelming.
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