August 1, 2008

Sorry this is so late, but I have had a long day.

My appointment is set, and will be the 6th at 3:30.

I have done so much crying at this point that there may not be any tears left in me. I cannot tell Kent, he has to much of a sensitive soul, and this would devastate him. Of course Turtle is oblivious. The furries know something is up, they have been all over me all day. They always know when I am sad.

Clark stayed home with us today, and it was nice just to have him here. He hugged me a lot, mostly when he would catch me hiding my tears, and sometimes when there weren't any. He is an amazing man, and I would be so lost without him. This is the second time we have walked this path, or I should say he has held me up to keep walking, and it isn't any easier this time.

I sat in Turtles room today, and looked at the big boxes of clothes that I had packed, saving them for the next little girl who might grace us, and I lost it. Those tiny little clothes she wore just a few short months ago, washed and folded, packed with love. I can't even think about me, all I can seem to see is all of the people I will be letting down if I am sick.

"You know if you never would have done those fertility treatments in the first place..." I can hear it now, I love my Mother, but that will come out of her mouth. I can't even tell her. I need to, but I can't. I can't even answer the phone when she calls. She thinks I am upset about something else. She thinks I am mad at her. If only she knew that I just can't listen to the sound of her heart breaking on the end of the phone line, then she might understand.

I have been staring at my little girl a lot in the last 36 hours, she must think I have lost my mind. I watched her nap this afternoon, and had to resist the urge to wake her up just so I could hold her in my arms and feel her hair on my cheek. She is my world. I just got to this place, and I am so not ready to leave.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments and wishes, hopes and prayers. I will carry them and you with me over the next days as I wait. I could not have ever expected that so many "strangers" would stand next to me, holding my hand. It is truly overwhelming.

17 comments:

Kristin said...

I really wish I could shoulder some of that fear for you. My prayers are coming and I am here.

Sandy said...

Your heart truly rings through your words...you are an amazingly strong woman...you will get through this...the next few days of waiting and not knowing are going to be dreadful, but I have faith that you will be well and that this will be, yet, another experience & bump in your road.

SAHW said...

I wish we could do something more than just "hold" your hand over the internet...but most definitely we will be doing that, since it's the least we can do!
Try not to think too much about it until your appointment - much of it is still unknown (I think), so don't spend too much time worrying over the unknown...Try to rest and enjoy the weekend, and I hope all goes well on Weds at the appointment.

DD said...

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry I have been tardy getting my blogging in...oh Rebel! I can only say thank goodness you and Clark decided to see the RE so soon and not wait so this could be found early. So weird to think how "that's good". My prayers will be full of thoughts for you and your family.

Brandi said...

Positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

electriclady said...

You don't know me but I'm here via Erin. I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this, but we are all here holding you up.

Erin said...

Rebel, I've been thinking about you and hoping for the best. I can't believe this is happening. DD's right, thank goodness you decided to try again so quickly, or you might not have found anything this early. I wish there were something more to do. If you think of anything I can do from so far away, please please let me know.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Rebel you don't know me either but I know Kristin.
If it helps your faith/believing try to remember that Jesus Christ died for the sins of the whole world for ALL time. This is not punishment for what you chose to do to have a family.

HUGE HUGS!

Stephanie Weathers in California

Tracey said...

Prayers for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

((((hugs))))
OK sweetie, Until you are told it is the big C, do not worry about it. (IF, and I do say, IF it is, because you have lots of us praying for you and prayer is a mighty force to recon with)do have cancer, then WE (all of us ) will face it head on with you. Munch on chocolate, have a beer, take a swim in the pool, hug the ones near you and enjoy the moment. Believe me,(if it is cancer) you will have the rest of your long life worrying about cancer. You know I speak from experience here. ((((hugs))) DH (Root rot) told me to call you, and I told him first thing in the morning! LOL He has to work. I told him that I will be leaving a few long messages if you don't pick up! LOL Be prepared.
Honey, I love you and I am here for you day or night.
xoxoxo
Poison Ivy

Anonymous said...

as we know doctors are often WRONG. Lets just keep praying and enjoy each day until your appointment. I know things will be OK. Deep breaths...lots of praying.

Lisa

Lost in Space said...

Oh, hun. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was something I could do to ease your fears. You are in my thoughts and I pray that your RE is wrong. Giant hugs coming your way.

Samantha said...

I'm am so sorry you are going through this right now. I am just catching up and your news is so shocking and upsetting, I'm at a loss for words. Like others, I'm glad you are finding out about things early, and I know you are a strong and brave woman and you have a loving family who will help you get through whatever is coming.

My thoughts are with you and I will be checking in as I can on the road!

Shinejil said...

I am so sorry you're facing this. Sending lots of love and support your way...

Fiddle1 said...

I am so sorry to hear this, and I can't imagine how scared you and your family are. I wish you could tell your mom. F*ck. I will think all the positive thoughts and say all the prayers for you while you feel scared and sad. The wait is terrible. I am thinking of you.

AussieJenn said...

I am so sorry. You don't know me, I only stumbled onto your blog today...but you and your family are in my thoughts. I'm hoping for the very best possible outcome for you. I'll be coming by to look for updates, and offer cybersupport. Cuddle that gorgeous precious baby girl of yours and be strong and positive when you can, and cry and seek support when you can't. Hang in there.

Just Me. said...

Oh sweetie!

Sorry, I wasn't here on your last post and I was just reading it and my heart breaks for you.

I am holding your hand now and I am praying for you.

((((hugs))))