Flying by..

December and me!!!! I cannot believe that it is only 2 more days to Christmas!!! Ugh, but hey that is why I have been so absent... things have ramped up here with Kent out of school on break, and us trying to run all over to get a ton of appointments taken care of so that he doesn't miss much school!! We had to go, go, go 3 days this past week, and then I thought I was off the hook for Thursday when it dawned on my preggo brain that Clark, the government employee didn't have to work on Monday, so if I wanted to make the brownie drop off this year then I HAD to crawl up out of my nice warm, cozy, couch, and bake the hell out of about 10 dozen brownie bites, so they were ready to take to Clark's job on Friday morning... GAH!!!! So I spent the rest of the day slaving over a hot oven, and stealing brownie bites!!! Turtle HATES the mixer by the way... it was to funny, every time I had to run it she would get downright violent with me!!!

Friday we went to drop the "Gifts" off, and then stayed and had lunch with all of the people from Clark's office, it was really nice, but after the busy week I had, had I was ready to come home and take a NAP!!! :o)

Yesterday, I thought that I would give the guys some time alone to wrap gifts, so off I went to drop off a flat tire from one of the cars, buy a new door knob set at Lowe$, and then drop off a few gifts and cards that I had left. After all that, and a great sub for dinner, I fell into the couch and went right to sleep at about 8 PM... well, next thing I know, I have this sharp pain, well down there, and get up thinking that I really needed to just pee!!! Oh did I ever!! After I went, I crawled in bed, and just laid there.... little Miss Turtle was rolling all over and making it impossible to sleep.... I suppose it was after about 30 minutes that I realized I was having contractions right after she would roll over. Well, Clark comes to bed about 11 or so, and saw that I was awake, asked why, and I told him. At that point I was looking at the contractions being about 10 minutes apart..... well do you think for one minute that they stayed that far apart??? Nope, they got closer and closer until for 40 minutes they were 4 minutes apart... so I tossed my bag together, was just thinking about calling the OB, and getting Clark up when boom, they go back to 10 minutes, and then further apart...... So I gave it about an hour and crawled my tired ass back into bed about 3:30... so this little girl has started with yanking my chain all over again, and honestly it isn't cute anymore!!!! UGH!! Neither of us want her to come yet, but playing with me like this isn't making her mommy a very happy camper right now!!!

So all day today I have been having contractions off and on, but nothing regular or consistent..... I have my next OB appointment on the 27th, and I am not sure if he will do an internal exam, but I am almost thinking I need to ask for one to see what is going on in there... I know I have to be dilated or something, because that was how I KNEW that the contractions that I had last night weren't of the Braxton Hicks variety... they hurt in my cervix!!! That is so not a pleasant feeling either let me tell you!!! LOL

After this next OB appointment, we start going every week, and if I make it to 38 weeks, they will do another U/S to check on her size and position... I so already know that she is head down, but I wouldn't put it past this little girl to flip into a breach position on me just for shits and giggles!!!

I hope that everyone out there has a great holiday, which ever one you celebrate, may it be a Happy one!!! Hugs from the Infertile house!!!

Big Update....

So, I know you have all been waiting with baited breath to hear the results from Kent's scan... Today was his follow-up and everything looks just fine, no tumor growth, and no new tumors. They did have concerns about his Blood Pressure though, just as the pediatrician did, so they are recommending that we see a Nepherologist (Kidney Doc). He also had a terrible urine sample so they wanted a new one, I am sure it will be just as bad as the last one, and they will need to put him back on antibiotics again. Of course all of that could have been avoided if he would just follow the right way of disinfecting all of his supplies like I taught him to... but alas, he is 16, and we all know that you cannot tell a 16 year old anything!!! UGH!!! For the most part they are happy with his progress, so we don't have to go back for a year, unless something comes up.

As for little Miss Turtle, I had an OB appointment last week, and my BP was a little up, we talked about the fainting, normal for this far she says, just be careful. Weight was down, so I told her that I have been really concerned about my lack of girth... (funny for a pregnant woman I know) but my waist has been at 39 inches for almost 2 months now, and then with the loss of weight, I am just worried about Turtle's size. I also let her know about what looked to me like a lack of fluid when we had our 3-D so she told me that she was more then happy to send me for a little U/S to check on our girl.....

Well, that U/S was this morning before our appointment with Kent, and the Turtle looks to be doing just fine. I am 33 weeks 3 days, and she weighs about 4 pounds 12 ounces, and measuring right on schedule. Just the right amount of fluid. She is also still head down, "engaged nicely" according to the tech. I kinda knew she had slid further into my pelvis, because I have been getting spasms in my urethra (TMI I know) from the pressure. Clark is freaking out saying he will get a "Chip Clip" and put it down THERE to keep her in a little longer!! LOL !! He is such a mess. They won't do anything to stop labor after 34 weeks anyway, so he may be fighting a loosing battle!! I told him she will come out when she is ready, and there is nothing that we can do about it, but you know how men are, they HAVE to TRY to control everything!! I do honestly hope that she stays put until after Christmas though, because one of the gifts that we have for the grandmothers has to do with birthstones, so having already bought the one for January, I would have to exchange them all!! LOL!! Besides, I am so not ready for her yet emotionally... I never thought I would say that, but every since I got the 3-D I want her here so that I can see that little face in person, but Iam also scared out of my mind that I am so gonna freak the hell out once she is here, and we all know once they are here there is no going back!!! Good grief, I am just a mess about this whole thing!! On one hand I am so ready for this, but on the other I sit here some days and ask myself what in the hell I was thinking!!! I mean come on, I have a 16 year old who mostly takes care of himself, I can sleep in, come and go as I please w/o having to worry about spending an hour getting a baby ready..... yada, yada, yada.... So what in the HELL am I thinking??? I still haven't figured that one out... I will let you know when I do!!!!!!!!!

Nesting...

At least I think that is what the hell I am doing... it is 1:40 in the am here in the Infertile house, and I am up..... you see my washer and dryer have been vomiting pink and various girly shades for about 5 hours now, and I think, maybe, just maybe, that I might be done for the night!!

It all started this morning when I rolled out of bed, and decided that TODAY was the DAY that we were going to go buy Turtle's dresser. I informed Clark of my plans, and that he was not being asked, but rather he was being informed that he was going to go to T*rget to help me acquire said dresser, but not before we partook in the purchase of X-mas gifts for the grandmothers to be at K-M*rt. We woke Kent, gave him instructions and were out the door before 9. We got part of the stuff at K-M*rt, and I allowed Clark to purchase a few toys for himself... yeah the man LOVES anything Volkswag*n, and imagine his surprise when we found all kinds of MatchB*x type cars in every form of Volkswag*n he could want, so I indulged him!! He was to cute for words I have to admit. Off, to T*rget, acquire said dresser, a few other little things, get some lunch, and then home we go!! Five minutes in the door and I was BEGGING Clark to bring the dresser in so we could put it together.... Or rather I should say I put together!! Kent helped me some by reading the directions, and in less then 2 hours we had a beautiful piece of nursery furniture up and ready to receive clothing... which it has been!!! So, along with the few things that I picked up, the clothes that we got from the shower, and the HUGE box of stuff I scored for an amazing price at a yard sale, I have been force feeding my washer all evening!! I cannot tell you how it feels to be washing those little things for MY daughter. Putting things on hangers in her closet that she will be wearing in just a few short weeks, with any luck, and trying to take it all in while I can. It is still amazing to me that this is going to happen, and just like quite a few of you out there in BlogLand have reminded me, it may take a long time to get used to the whole idea... but hopefully we will have all that time!!!

I have been having some issues though that will warrant a call to the OB on Monday. I have been having some pretty severe headaches, shooting stars in my vision, numbness in my hands and feet, and then today while at L*wes I almost fainted. I felt my heart beating funny, and stopped to think, when I suddenly felt everything going fuzzy. Clark was right there and asked if I was ok, but as soon as I thought I felt better, I literally lost all my strength, and he had to hold me up. After a minute or so I felt better, but that really bothers me a lot, so I am going to call and let the doc know. Turtle has been moving a lot, so I don't think that there is anything wrong with her, but these things together could mean something for me, so I need to ask.....

Before I sign off, I want to ask for a little prayer... Kent has his yearly MRI this coming Monday to check his tumor for growth, and to scan for any new tumors.... so if you could say a little something for us that all will be clear, and he will start this year as his 6th in remission, I would love you all forever!! I get so worried every time we have to do this, that we are going to get bad news, and up until now it has been good, so it would be really nice to keep the luck flowing for another year!!!

I better get to bed now... I am really starting to get sleepy!! Hugs to all out in BlogLand!!!

Meet the Turtle.....

Well, I know I said that we were doing the 3-D last Thursday, and we went, but little miss Turtle wasn't trying to have anything to do with getting her pictures taken!! The harder we tried to get her to move and look at us, the more she snuggled into that placenta!!! She was head up and off to the right side on Thursday evening. After trying for almost a half an hour to get pics the U/S tech told me to just take the weekend, drink all the water I could, and come back today at noon. Well, I did just that, and then added a Venti White Chocolate Mocha w/ 3 shots of espresso from St*rBucks about a half and hour before the U/S... normally I wouldn't do that, but damn it $150 bucks was riding on that cup of freaking coffee!!! Well, little Turtle had decided at some point during the weekend to go from head up to head down and we got to see quite a bit of her pretty little face!!! She has her mommies chin, a TON of hair, and loves to play Peek-A-Boo already (as she did that for half of the session!!!) She loves to play with her face, and often had her hand up touching her lips. We got to see her swallowing, practicing breathing, and sticking her tongue out!!

I cannot tell you how surreal it was for me to see my daughters face!! This whole pregnancy has seemed like a dream, and I still have a hard time believing that this is all happening, in fact I am sure that it won't totally hit me until she is safe in my arms, and maybe not even then!!! I mean it is just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this little human is living in my "belly", even though I feel her move, and can see her on the U/S's, it just doesn't seem fathomable at all, quite the opposite actually!! I have started feeling like this is all a horrible joke, and I am going to wake up one morning, and she will be gone... Clark says that I am being unrealistic, but I know the terrible things that can happen, and I am not right for the day until this little girl lets me know she is in there by moving!! I mean 31 weeks, and I am still in denial... Wonder if it is ever gonna be real?????

So.........

Things here in the Infertile house have been freaking insane the last 2 weeks!! I felt like I was going to lose my mind, and just when I thought I could relax, I realized that next Thursday is Thanksgiving... how in the hell did that happen?? Wasn't it just May, didn't I just transfer?? Where did June go?? And the rest of summer??? Gah!!!

So I guess I owe you all an update of some kind huh?? Just kidding, I know I do, and so you know this is going to be LONG!!!

Kent: Nothing has changed much, and I am not expecting it to. I haven't given up on him, but right now I am letting Clark expend his energy dealing with him. I took him to the Ped. last Friday, and he spent the whole appointment humiliating me by being really rude, and pulling out his arm hairs.

Turtle: Little Miss is doing just fine. We had our 30 week OB appointment yesterday, Mommy is 166 pounds, B/P was 118/68, no protein, found out that we passed the Glucose test with an 88, so well below the cutoff. Everything seems to be measuring on track, but the whole visit lasted all of 4 minutes!!! I got a note to get my flu shot, and scheduled our 3D ultrasound... for today at 5:30.... I am a little irritated with this because the U/S is at the OB's office, and costs me $150.00, I was under the impression that they did the 3D's every Friday of the month, but they have decided to just do them once a month, and the cut off is 32 weeks (since these US's are for keepsake purposes only, and they want you to get good pics).... so by the time the next day was due to come around I would have been 34 weeks, making the Turtle to cramped. However, I paid, and they handed me the instruction sheet that says to start drinking 48 ounces of fluid everyday for 2-3 days before the scan, well I had less then 24 hours when I booked it... UGH!! So I will be heading out early, Clark and I are going to do a little grocery shopping before the US and then head back home after. I just hate that it will be so freaking dark by the time we head back home!!!

Oh yeah, and you know what?? I had THE Baby Shower last weekend (the 10th) and it was the baby shower that almost wasn't!!! Let me just start by saying that I have no ill will towards women who simply have sex to get pregnant, but I do have it against the ones who had it easy and then want to blame the fact that they are and were an idiot on the fact that they are pregnant!! See, the woman who works the desk at the hotel where we were due to have our shower is 5 months pregnant, and a total AIRHEAD!! I went into the hotel on the 30th of Oct, to ask about rooms, and ended up finding out that they had an actual meeting room ( they are VERY newly opened, by like 2 months) and after I found out the rate ($200.00 for the whole day) I talked it over with Clark, and went back the very next day to reserve the room. Now I ASKED 2 times that Tuesday just to make sure the date was open and was told that it was by both Front Desk Pregnancy, and the manager. I was also assured that they had rooms available for the family that was attending. So, when I was there on the 31st I gave the Pregnant One, my CC# and then I told her that I would give her my home number just in case, and then even added my cell to that to, because I knew I was going to be busy for the time from then to the shower... oh and I had a friend there with me who heard the whole thing. So off we went, and I assumed everything was fine. I asked Clark a few times that next week if they had charged us for the room and he always said no... we just assumed (there is that word again) that they were going to do it the day of the Shower. So, the 10th, I have a friend in from out of town, and we head off around 1 to the hotel... get there and see bags sitting by the back door. The door was locked, so we go around front, and I walked into a lobby full of people, a caterer set up in the breakfast area, and my friend coming around the corner and she says to me... "Hey there are a bunch of people in the room you are supposed to have your shower in...." Long story short the Pregnant One booked 2 parties that day, and SWORE to my face that I never gave her a contact number, and that she had tried to call every Infertile in the book... DUH we are sooooo unlisted!! She also informed me that the family that I told her was coming NEVER booked rooms, to which I asked her if all of her relatives had the same last name that she did??? I mean really, she was kidding right??? So by now I am freaking out, and my 2 best friends step in to handle things, and it started to get ugly. Pregnant One starts bawling talking about how she is pregnant and we are stressing her out... oh the IRONY!!! The maintenance guy gets involved, and they keep telling us to just leave. Well my Friend M just looked at the guy and says " Rebel waited 14 years to have this Baby Shower and this baby, and if you think that we are leaving then you have another thing coming... I am sure that the Newspaper and local TV stations would LOVE to hear how you put an infertile woman through all this BS after all she has already been through" That's my girl!!! Boy they got freaked, and soon the GM was on the phone saying that we could have the room after the other party left at 4:30... no dice, we told them we had people coming at 3 that we couldn't contact... so they finally offered us the breakfast area after the manger suggested it would be big enough, and we accepted, but only at NO CHARGE to us. Once we got that settled, we had a great time, but I swear if it hadn't been for my friends I would be blogging from Jail!!!! The Shower really did end up being nice, even though I look ready to murder in half the photo's, and fun was had by all. Turtle got some awesome stuff, and it was really nice to have so many people who have supported us share the day with us!!!

So now I need to start working on THE room, I have finally settled on a crib and furniture, so that is the next big purchase we have to make. It all seems so surreal to me even now that I am getting a bit of a bigger belly, and she has become quite the "Uterine Terrorist" I am not kidding you, this kid loves to beat me internally!!! I am still at 30 1/2 weeks getting the "You are pregnant?", and then the "That far?? Really??" Hell I even got it at the OB's office Tuesday.... so do you think I have a baby belly yet?? Not. So. Much.!!! Oh well, I am getting over that a little more everyday, I just want her to be here and be healthy!!

Well, I am off to "start" the day, so I will post some of the 3D photo's tonight or tomorrow.... Hugs

Soooo Sorry!!!!!!

Well, if it isn't one thing it is another... our satellite provider has been having some issues, and because of that I either couldn't sign on, or access Blogger, so that is part of my reason for the absence.

The other is that Kent has decided that he has lost his damn mind!!! He has ramped up his lying, and then started stealing money from around the house. He is failing almost all of his classes, and just having a very nasty attitude at home all the time. I have decided that it would be best to take him back to his psychiatrist then to try to beg him to change, as I tried that one already, and it was a no go. I just cannot imagine what in the world is going on with him that has turned him into such a hateful little person, but he says and does the meanest things, and frankly to be honest with you, I am OVER it!!! Clark does most of the talking anymore, as I just feel to betrayed and hurt by all of his behavior to not be mean in return. We ended up letting him have his party, and then we found out that he had told an adult that he KNEW he would get his party, and his game system because no matter what he did we always caved, and gave him whatever he asks for.... then he laughed and told her what a pair of pushovers we were.... can you say I may have to hurt him?? No I wouldn't really, but damn you wanna talk about feeling like you have been stabbed in the back!!! Of course he denied that he said it, but then came clean and actually laughed in my face about it, which hurt me even more!! I just don't get it, and if this is how things are going to go then I am not sure what is going to happen with him, all I know is I don't need this shit right now!!!

As for Turtle, she is doing just fine!!! We will be 29 weeks on Monday the 5th. I did an interview with her pediatrician today, and I liked her so much I am going to start taking Kent there now to. Turtle went nuts kicking the whole time the doc was talking to us, so I will take that as a good sign for now!! LOL After the interview I went and got almost all of the stuff that I needed for our Baby Shower on the 10th... it was up in the air because we just found a place to have it this past Wednesday!! I know cutting it close, but when you live in a small rural area, nice places are hard to find!! The best part is that I won't have to worry about my dogs being traumatized, or the dogs traumatizing the guests!! LOL Not to mention cleaning the hell out of my house just so it can get messed up again!! I think that it is going to be nice, and I will post pictures of all of the days events!! I am actually hand making a lot of the favors, as it just ends up being cheaper. We are getting the food at a deli and then making some, so it will hopefully be nice. I am a little worried though, because the RSVP date has come and gone, and only 7 people have let me know they are coming, so I am getting a little worried about that... oh well what can you do??

I am actually starting to get quite the belly, so I MAY post a belly pic, but just not sure yet..... the reason behind that is that it really doesn't look like a pregnant belly... in fact the last time I was at the OB's, he said I need to exercise more because I was very flabby in the tummy!!! Uh geez, can you say I lost over 120 pounds, so it is loose freaking skin not fat you jackass??!!! But really, I don't look very pregnant, I just look kinda fat!! LOL Oh well, I am feeling VERY pregnant, as this little one is killing my ribs, and thinks that either her foot or her fist is a great fit for my liver!! She is pretty active in there, so I haven't had to use the Doppler in a long time, in fact I might send it back early.

Well, that is all for now, I will let you all know how the week goes, as I am really going to try to post more often now that things are getting closer to the "end", and because I also feel better even just typing a vent about Kent, because I know Clark gets tired of hearing about it all the time!!! Well, Hugs to everyone, and thanks so much for checking in on us!!! I love ya all!!!!

Gosh... you missed me!!

Aww Tesi, thanks for making my day and waking me up!! The Turtle says HI, and that she is doing very fine!! She is loving the fact that her mommy has finally decided to start planning her shower... so that has been keeping her very occupied!!

On the front with Kent however things have been very tense. I guess a little background is in order here just so that I can explain part of my absence here, and our new way of dealing with our son.

Kent had Cancer when he was 6 almost 7, and became paralyzed. He was living with some family members and was removed from that home by Social Services shortly after his 8th birthday. He was placed in foster care, and that was where he was when I met him in Feb of 2000, as his personal care aide. Kent then was placed in a different foster home until he came to live with us in March of 2002. We adopted Kent in 2005.

To say that this boy was traumatized by his illness, would be right, to say that he was doubly traumatized by the abuse that he has suffered would be an understatement. Kent's birth family had what I like to refer to as "neglect guilt"... they all started showering him with gifts and stuff after his diagnosis, in my opinion not because they loved him, but because they got caught neglecting him in a terrible way, and didn't want to get into more trouble.. I hope that makes sense. So when we got Kent, he was spoiled, and we got caught up in it to as a way to try to control his behavior...I mean come on the kid could be GOLDEN when you bribed him!!! We have been through all kinds of meds, therapy, and several diagnosis' for his emotional issues, but I think that just recently it has dawned on Clark and I what the real issue is.... Kent has learned to use and rely on the fact that he is disabled to get whatever he wants, no matter who else suffers. He uses manipulation to try to get his way, and when that doesn't work, he throws in that he should get it simply because he is disabled. Not a valid reason in my book.

Now we have been working on him with this for some time, and we always seem to end up at an impasse. He always wins in the end. Well, Clark and I decided that his days of constantly being the victor were over. We warned him, and gave him 2 chances to get it together.... about 2 weeks time, well he didn't get the message apparently because we almost had to call the police on him Sunday when he threw a tantrum and started throwing things because we cancelled his birthday. I don't mean the party, I mean the whole birthday. I know that sounds drastic, but this is a 16 year old who acts like he is 2 when he doesn't get his way, is neglecting his personal hygiene, and his school work to the point that it is no longer acceptable to let him act like this. He has got to pull it together and act like a responsible young man if he intends for anyone to take him serious when he becomes an adult. He is a very smart young man, and knows exactly what he is doing, and will tell you to your face that he is doing it. It has crushed us to do this because we love him and enjoy doing things for him, but this kind of thing has got to stop, so that he can grow up to be a good man and realize that the world isn't going to give a shit about him just because he is in a wheelchair!!

So needless to say that is one of the big reasons that I have been absent the last weeks, things are getting so hard in dealing with him, that I mostly just retreat to my room when he comes home from school. It is terrible to feel like a prisoner in your home because of a child. It has been even harder to step up to the plate and admit that we became part of the problem. I just want him to be all that I know he can be if he really puts his heart and soul into becoming a good man and person, but all he wants is for everyone to pity him and hand him everything on a platter.....

I so totally love that child, and will keep struggling to help him with all that I have, and at the same time try so hard to keep myself sane waiting for Turtle to make her way into the world!!

LOL bet that wasn't what you wanted when you asked how we were was it?? Well, I thought it was time to come clean with you all about why I have been so distant these last few weeks. I do hope that you can understand, and still love me!! :o)

Yes.....

I truly suck!!!

Sorry that I haven't been around to update, but I have just been a slacker!! Things here in the Infertile house are going along smoothly for the most part. Turtle thinks that she needs to haul Clark and I to L&D at least every two weeks!! We were there this past Friday after an unplanned trip to the OB... cervix is still unchanged, but the contractions are still there, and actually getting quite painful at times.... Apparently as long as they are just being irritating, and non-productive, there isn't much they will do about them... I did come home the proud owner of a Terbutiline RX though, so that made me a lot happier then the last time I was there!!! Those shots still suck though!!!

Kent is going through some tuff times either within his mind, or his heart, hard to tell just yet, but he has been a little brat the last few weeks. School has been an issue already, and we aren't even 9 weeks into the school year yet. I have to be calm and try not to kill him when he runs off at the mouth, and that has gotten twice as hard as it was just a few short weeks ago!! Not to mention that I have created a MONSTER who just assumes that it is literally OK to ask his broke ass parents WHY he can have the new X-Box 360, but he has to buy any games that he may want? Well hell could it be because the freaking system alone is setting us back close to $550.00 bucks right before Christmas?? But he just doesn't get why that should be an issue... I mean he really doesn't get it, and that pisses me off!!!!!!!!! I didn't raise him to act like a spoiled brat, but yet there he sits, SPOILED FREAKING ROTTEN!!!! UGH. I cannot get him to understand that he isn't the only kid anymore, even if Turtle isn't here yet, she still has a lot of needs that have to be met before she gets here that aren't freaking cheap in the least. So needless to say we have been butting heads a few times a week, and it has gotten pretty ugly!!! Gotta love having a teen who SWEARS you know nothing about understanding them..... Boy, do I remember those days!!!

So this week marks the "Golden Week 24" that I have been holding out for, and I honestly don't feel much better about things. I can't tell you all the fantastic posts I have started in my head that have been lost to a nap, or just plain derailed because I stopped thinking just long enough to forget what it was I had been thinking!! LOL!! Clark calls this "Preggie Brain" , I call it Losing my Freaking mind!!! I honestly thought that when I reached this point I would be able to relax and breathe, but now I just worry that she stays put even longer!! Not to mention that now I have to start working on her room so that she has a place to sleep!! Needless to say I have been spending time registering (Pain in the ASS!!)(and ONLY because Clark MADE ME!!) and hitting Ebay to see what is out there!!! Man what a commercial endeavor it is to have a baby!! I cannot believe the amount of CRAP there is out there that people tell you that you need!!! I guess it doesn't help that I am very funy about what I will and won't buy. Not just that, but like I told Clark, some of this stuff is so expensive I feel just downright guilty registering for it and asking people to buy it!! Just me, but I really don't think kids really need all the trappings that "They" tell you to get!!! I mean really we didn't have all that crap when we were babies, so are we really doing ourselves or our kids any justice by blowing wads of cash on shit we and they don't really need??? Boy I tell you what an eye-opener!!!

So, anyway, Turtle and I are hanging in there. I pray everyday for the strength to keep from killing or maiming Kent every 10 minutes after he gets home from school, and praying really hard that Turtle would stop messing with her daddy everytime he tries to catch her moving!!! I think she does it on purpose, a glimpse of the future?? I hope not, I so want her to be a daddies little girl!!!

Until next time!!!!

Ultrasound SuperModel!!!

That is what Turtle was declared by the U/S tech today!!! She was ever so cooperative, and laid very still the whole time that they were scanning her. The good news is that her little heart is "Beautiful" as quoted again by the tech!! I asked if that even further ruled out the Down's possibility, and she said yes that usually with a heart this great you don't see Down's.

Thank God, Buddha, Mohamed, and whoever else I forgot!! I am not a really religious person, so I will send thanks to them all!!!

Little Miss Turtle seems to be quite a bit like her mommy already, in the fact that she loves to sleep on her back with her arms across her chest. In all but one of her U/S's, she has had her hands and arms up high over her torso, just like her mommy!!!

She looked so sweet in there yesterday, and I am finally thinking that this whole thing may just be real!! I may just end up with a baby out of this whole nightmare of infertility. I still find it hard to accept, even when Turtle lets me know with her feet that she is in there, even when I sit and listen to that beautiful little heart on Doppler, when I watch my belly dance at night, and even when I get to see her beautiful face on an ultrasound, it is just to much for me to take in!! I feel like this can't be my life, this can't be happening to me. I have dreamed about it for so long that it just can't be coming true, and I expect to wake up any minute to find that it is/was all a dream, and none of it is real.

Then there is the reality of it. I am almost 24 weeks, the goal that I set for my heart to really take ahold of this little one and let it be real, because we all know that 24 weeks is the "Golden" time when she can be born, and still "make it". So, it looms on me. It is a relief, and yet a curse at the same time, because then the preparations that I have been avoiding at all costs will have to begin, and yet I am still not wanting to do any of them.

My Infertile mind is still stuck in that "24 weeks is still no guarantee stupid"

"Yeah I know that asshole, why do you keep repeating it??? Can't you just let me be happy?"

"Nope, have to keep you FIRMLY planted in reality!!"

And so it goes..... Not sure when I will reconcile this argument with myself, but I sure hope that it comes before Turtle does so that she won't end up sleeping in a clothes basket like I did!!!

Over It......

Completely!!! First off I will get the simple stuff out of the way...

Weight- 147.5- not a freaking pound in 4 weeks??????
BP- 116/68- A little happier with that one
Protein- Nope
Sugar- Nope
22.1 weeks but Turtles Gestational Age is 23.1 weeks per last Fridays U/S.. Great news!!!! This really makes me happy because it puts her a week closer to the golden 24!!!

So, I am truly starting to doubt my choice of an OB office!!! I was set to see a doc yesterday that I had been supposed to see before, but she had cancelled, she was also the admitting doc for my trip to L&D on the 13th...... So, you would think that she would at least have a CLUE???? Nothing!!! First off, I was there on time, appointment was @ 10:30, called back at 11:00, she flies into the room at 11:12, busts out the Doppler, listens, looks at my chart...... and I Quote " Baby is growing good, sounds great, you look good, see you in 4 weeks"

Uh WHAT??? I literally had to grab her sleeve to stop her from hauling ass right back out the door. I asked her what about the contractions...

Well how much terbutiline are you on she says...

NONE....

Oh he didn't send you home on it??

NOPE...

Ok well how many are you having??

Sometimes 8-10 an hour sometimes one or two.

Well if you are having that many in an hour then you NEED to go back to L&D to have them monitor you. (Yeah ok just my favorite thing at this point) Ok she says well let me check your cervix..... Nothing closed tight as a drum, see you in 4 weeks. Then she literally RAN out of the room!!!! Are these people fucking kidding me here???? I just grabbed my chart read what they wrote, and walked to the desk... looked at my watch... 11:20... No kidding less then 10 minutes. So, the girl starts setting my next appointment and says

"Oh you need your Glucola"

"Uh no I don't, can't drink that stuff, they said something about eating Jelly Beans" ( I abhor Jelly Beans BTW!!)

"Oh ok well let me check with the doc"

Which prompts the doc to come up a chastise me about not telling her about my Gastric Bypass... I blankly looked at her and told her it was in my records had she read them!!! Score one for me!! LOL So, they track down the lab vampire, and she informs me in an even more condescending voice then the doc, that I literally have to sit right in front of her and eat the 18 BRACHS JELLY BEANS, has to be 18, and has to be BRACHS. Ok fine, I can follow freaking directions, I mean hell I shot myself up twice a day among other things to get pregnant with this kid, but I might not be able to handle that menial little task........

So I walked out of there no more understanding what is going on with me and Turtle then when I walked in. Ahhhh but I have a plan... I am going to call my PCP, and have him run some blood work for me to hopefully alleviate the concerns that I have. I have to tell you that I really looked into this place, and even went with a friend, who has gone to them for years, in the final months of her pregnancy, and I just wasn't expecting any of this. They treated her so differently, and it just kinda blows my mind!!

The concerns that I am having are these:

I am having intense itching all the time...

My hair is falling our terribly... hence the hair cut....

I once had a B-12 deficiency that almost ended me up on the psych floor of the local naval hospital (idiots thought I was on drugs!!) and I feel that coming on again.

I am really concerned that I am getting enough Iron and protein to keep this little one growing PROPERLY.

The itching and the hair I am thinking may very well be my Thyroid acting up, and I simply need a blood test to find that out. My moms whole family has had thyroid problems, and mine has been high once or twice, so we all know what fun pregnancy can have on a body!!!

I just wish that someone at that office would listen to me when I freaking talk!!! I was so mad when I left, I called Clark and just cried. I am sooo frustrated. I am thinking about calling and just asking for a sit down with Dr. ManHands because she seems to be the most understanding of them all.... go figure!!!

Well, Friday is the Fetal Echo cardiogram, so I will let you all know how that goes.... at this point nothing has been seen, so I don't honestly anticipate any problems at all, but then we all know how tricky this little one has been!! LOL :o) See you Friday!!!

I feel like Sampson!!!!

You know the story where Delilah cuts his hair and he loses all his strength?? Well that has been my life since I cut my hair!!!!

So far I have been sick as hell, lost my credit/debit card, had family drama, and spent 18 hours of hell in Labor and Delivery!!!

Thursday I had a docs appointment and decided after that I wanted to have lunch with Clark, so off I went, we had lunch, and after some visiting with his co-workers, in which I am pretty sure I jinxed myself by handing out invitations to Turtles shower, I went home with what I thought was just a little bit of a headache. Well by the time Clark got home from work around 5 pm I felt like I wanted to cry!!! I had started off just having the headache, and a little bit of cramping when I got home, but in that 3 hours it went to almost constant abdominal pain, and even pain into my vagina. I also noticed that my legs had swollen to huge proportions, and I had stopped urinating. At Clark's urging I busted out the Doppler to listen to Turtle, and we were startled when her HR went from the 140's down to like 50 during one of these "pains". I freaked, and called the OB who told me to carry my butt to L&D to get monitored, so off we went. We get there at about 7:45 pm check in, and got all hooked up on the monitors. They gave up on the heart rate monitor because my belly is just to little for them to keep Turtle's HR tracing, but left the contraction monitor on. We sat there for about an hour and a half after getting all hooked up, when all hell broke loose, and the nurses come in with an IV, and a bunch of needles!!! I looked at the nurse, and she said, "Hunny you are staying for the night because you are contracting every 2-5 minutes!" WTF?? I just started to cry as Clark asked what all the needles were for. The nurse explained that they were going to start me on an IV, and give me 3 terbutaline injections over the next hour and a half to try to get everything calmed down. All I could think was that at 21 weeks 5 days there was NO WAY this little one was ready to come out. They gave me the first terbutaline injection, and I can tell you that I HATE THAT CRAP!!! Omg I felt like I had just run a marathon!! It is the most horrible feeling I have ever had!! The second one just made it worse, and then they told me that they had to do an FFN (Fetal FibroNectin) test.... yeah that was a great experience to let me tell you!! No speculum, no lube, just me, the nurse with a glove, and a swab!! Nuff said!!! Then came the 3rd shot, and some Ambian to help me sleep. By that time it was about 11pm, and I told Clark that since they were going to keep me that he might as well head home because I knew Kent was already upset, and there was no point for him to stay with me when Kent would need him the next morning, not to mention that we have 6 dogs who need to be looked after!!! So after a pretty tearful goodbye, he was gone and I was alone to ponder the rest of the night. The Ambian SUCKED and did no good, I was up most of the night staring at the clock, having contractions, and crying.

Clark came back at about 9:30 Friday morning, to let me know that he had gotten Kent off to school and taken the day off. I told him that the midwife had been in to see me at about 7:30 and said that the contractions were looking better, but I informed her that I was having more then the monitor was picking up, and that I had a BLAZING headache thanks to the meds. She told me that they were gonna look at the tests, and call the nurses later to let them know what to do with me. Well, right after Clark got there, they told me that I was going down for an U/S to check my cervix, so off we go to do that. The tech said Turtle looked great, and that everything seemed to be just fine, and sent me back to my room. So, about 11:30 the nurse comes in and tells me I can leave..... Uh ok, any meds to go home on?? Nope doc said to just take it easy and they will see you on Tuesday. I told her I was NOT leaving w/o see a doctor and getting some answers!! So she calls them and comes back to tell me that the doc won't be there til after 1:30 and if I want to wait I can. So we waited, I had some fantastic broth for lunch, and at 1:30 the "Man" strolled in, told me that my cervix was long and closed, the previa had totally moved, and my contractions weren't strong enough to cause any problems for Turtle. He also said that there was no point in putting me on meds because the baby looked great and the contractions were just being uncomfortable... Ok, the nurse couldn't have just freaking TOLD ME THAT 2 DAMN HOURS AGO???? He just laughed, but Clark and I found nothing about it funny. So he left after telling us we were free to go..... 20 minutes later, we were still sitting there waiting for the nurse to come get the IV out, so finally I sent Clark up to the desk to see what was going on. He stood there at the nurses station for almost 5 minutes before anyone even acknowledged he was there, so that didn't help his mood at all!! So finally after another 30 minutes the IV was gone and we were out the door!!! Clark took me out to IHOP for some real food, and we made it home just in time for Kent to get off the bus. The bus driver told me that Kent had been terrified for me all day, and kept asking if the Turtle would be ok if she was born today... of course they told him yes, but we all know that couldn't have been further from the truth!!

So here I sit still having contractions, trying not to worry about this little girl of mine, and relishing every little move that she makes for now!!

How much do you think it would cost me to get my hair glued back on???

Monday and a Half!!!!

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while.... My mom was here visiting, and we were trying to cram a lot into a little bit of time!! Turtle is doing just fine, in fact she has decided that she has a few favorite spots that her feet love to connect with!!! So that is a big one, I have finally felt this little girl kicking!!! It is amazing, and this past Saturday, after I had checked her HR on Doppler, both Kent and Clark saw her kicking!! It was more of a fat jiggle, but hey they knew it was her kicking!! I am still not showing, at all. It is getting on my nerves because I really want to sport that BELLY!!!

While my mom was here we did some looking at baby stuff, still nothing coming in this house until at least 24 weeks!!!

She helped me take all 6 dogs to the vet, that was a chore, and I ended up getting cut up pretty bad by one of the collars... Sad when you go to the Vet, and they have to give you first aid!!!

I got 14 inches of hair cut off, and it feels fantastic!!! Oh I sooo love it and so do my guys!!! My hair dresser didn't want to do it, but I made her, and I am going to send the hair to LocksOfLove. Dramatic I know, but the hair weighed almost 5 1/2 pounds when we put it on the scale!!! So I think it was time for it to come off, not to mention my head feels so much lighter!!!

I ended up at Urgent Care on Thursday night because I felt like I had something like Strep coming on.... Got there, went back, they took my temp and it was 101.8!!! They did a rapid Strep, and it was negative, so they took blood, and my white blood cells were pretty elevated, so he decided that I needed antibiotics, because I had some sort of bacterial infection. Needless to say I felt like Crap the rest of the night, and actually still do for the most part!! While waiting for them to get my meds, we went to eat, and some Putz hit my van in the parking lot and tried to say that I ran into him. I was stopped, and he hit me, but I got out and told him that his car looked fine, and my bumper had a little streak of paint on it, so no harm no foul. Not to mention that his car was a piece of crap, and there wasn't one panel on it that was the same color... but I really just wasn't interested in getting into a fight with him, so I let it go!!

We really didn't do much for the rest of the time that she was here because I felt so bad, and she went home early Sunday. I really had a hard time letting her go, because this is the last time I will see her before the Turtle is born, and we all know how Grandma's are!!! It was just really nice to be able to spend time with her alone, where we could talk and laugh about all kinds of things!! It did make me realize one thing though..... my mom is aging, and that makes me sad!!! It is hard for me to see her wrinkles, and her grey hair now more then ever, because I feel like I have cheated her out of having a gaggle of grand kids by now, and I worry so much that with some of her medical issues that she won't be around for Turtle like my Grandma was for me!! I never realized how being pregnant changes how you look at so many things differently......

Kent is doing ok in school, tired, but that is to be expected as he is in a bigger building now!!! Just waiting to see how things work out for him over the next few weeks!!

I have some appointments coming up next week, OB on the 18th, and Fetal Echo on the 21st, so if I don't see you before then, then I will let you know how they go!!!

Level II

I don't know exactly how to start this, so I will just jump into it... Kent and I drove up to the office from home, and Clark met us there from his job which is only a few minutes drive from where we needed to be. We got there at 12:30 and checked in. They called me to sign in and fill out paper work at 1:00, and then we sat and waited until 1:40. So this lady comes out and calls us back, I tell Clark and Kent to come on thinking that it is for the U/S, but it was to see the Genetic Counselor. She had the smallest office, and the 4 of us trying to fit in there was hard, if I had known that we had to see her first, I would have left Kent in the waiting room. So she gets into all of the facts about the screen, and tells me that our number was actually 1/84 not the 1/48 that the doc gave me... transposed, OK so now I feel a little better. Then she goes on and on about the family history, and a liver issue that my mom has, and how Clark should get tested... Blah, Blah, Blah, I finally told her that I knew a lot about the disease, and that I was a carrier, but that my gene was very low in the genome, and that the likely hood that Turtle would end up with it was next to none... but she still disagreed with me!!! She also kept pushing the amnio explaining that the Level II wasn't conclusive, but that the amnio would let us know 100% yes or no. I kept trying to tell her that I wasn't going to get it either way so there was no point pushing it on me. I hate it when people assume that you are stupid!!! Not to mention that I was very uncomfortable discussing these things in front of my 15 year old. She kinda looked at us funny when we told her that this was the first baby for both of us, so I had to inform her that Kent was adopted, and not biologically ours!! Not that it matters, but she just looked confused, and I didn't want to leave her in a state (sarc)LOL

So after that we were sent back to the waiting room, and just a few minutes later called back for the actual U/S. It was almost 2:00 by then. They were really sweet, and told me that the 2 techs had switched rooms so that Kent could come in and watch. The room that we were supposed to be in was really small, and he could not have gotten his wheelchair in it, so I thought that was awesome!! Little Miss Turtle was not in the mood for any paparazzi photo ops!!! My little peanut was tucked firmly into the right corner of my uterus, up against my hip, and didn't want to move an inch!! She was actually sleeping on her belly, curled up in a ball with her little tush up in the air!! I felt bad for the tech, but then for me as she poked and prodded my belly trying to get Turtle to look up for some measurements. Needless to say, it took almost 45 minutes to get everything they needed, along with a couple for position changes for me to try to get the best look. The doc and the tech agreed that they didn't see any of the Down's Syndrome markers with Turtle, but they did inform me that 50% of Downs babies don't show markers either. The doc then sprang a new one on me by telling me that I needed to be back in 4 weeks for a Fetal Echo cardiogram, because they have found that more and more IVF babies are being born with heart defects, and they do them now with all IVF patients as a rule. Hmmm first I had heard of it, and not even sure that my OB knew that, so I will have to tell her about that next time.

So, I guess all in all it was a good appointment, and I feel a lot better about the Turtle being a healthy little girl. At this point, she is ahead in her growth, and hopefully will stay that way!!

My mom will be here this coming weekend, and I am getting excited to finally see her again, although I am sure by the time she leaves I will be more then ready for her to go!! :o) Will let you all know how my week goes as Kent is going back to school tomorrow... ahh high school!!! Sucks to be him!! LOL :o)

'Bout Damn Time!!!!

Ok, I tried to post this last night, but we had a terrible storm, and since we have satellite, it went out.....

Tesi, you can officially let Tuesdays be back on because everything was actually great, the clot has almost disappeared, the placenta is on the move up and off my cervix, the U/S tech said she didn't really see any Down's markers, and last but not least..........................


Turtle is either a girl or this boy has the world's smallest Penis!!!!!!!!!!!!! (per the U/S tech)


Clark and I are so freaking exited that this Tuesday was good news all the way around... I literally cried when the tech told me all that stuff... I am just so freaking relieved that something is finally going right with this pregnancy!!!! She was moving all over the place yesterday, and even waved at us a few times!!! She is just a bundle of energy in there, and the Tech said she looks like she is going to be a big clown!! LOL With us a parents I can't imagine that!!

So now our next goal is to get through the Level II on Friday with hopefully more good news, and then to make it to 24 weeks. I still am not showing, and think I may have felt a bump or two of movement here and there, but nothing that definitely tells me that she is in there yet!! I have a pretty retroverted uterus, so that I think is leading to both things!! I am just so damn relieved that things seem to finally be working themselves out, and that I can start breathing a little easier!!

I want to really thank everyone who left comments for me because I needed all of the extra strength that I could get, and it is nice to know that there are people out there on this Internet who are for you when you truly need a friend!!! I love you guys!!!

P.S. Kent is also very excited that he is going to have a little sister FINALLY!!!

Blissful Ignorance.....

Is something I don't have!!! I know all Infertiles for the most part lose this when they find out they are infertile, and I am no different. I haven't had it for almost 17 years now, and if one more person tells me that I am just overreacting to everything that has gone wrong with Turtle and this pregnancy since the beginning, you all might just see me on the national news. I am just sick to death of people who had uneventful pregnancies telling me to not worry, and unfortunately this crowd includes my Mother. I yelled at her the other day to just STFU and let me be sad. Let me cry damn you, this isn't your baby, and this isn't your bad news!!!! I love my mother don't get me wrong, but some days I just don't need to hear how she thinks that I should handle things, because we are different people, and she copes a hell of a lot better with most things then I do, she has had 3 healthy pregnancies, and 3 healthy children. Even some of my infertile friends have pulled this one on me.... mostly it is the ones that didn't have an issue once they got pregnant, and while I am happy for them, I feel that they could be just a tad more accepting and understanding of my fears.

Needless to say things have been pretty tense in the house for the last few days, and while I try to maintain some sense of normalcy, the tears are ALWAYS there just under the surface, just waiting for me to let them out... which I have totally obliged on way more then one occasion!! Even the beauty of the humming bird family that visits my feeders a few times a day has moved me to tears several times. It is the innocence of the way they move that gets to me every time. They are so small, so delicate, so beautiful... sort of like my Turtle. Yet every time I see them I am painfully aware that one of them may not return with the others the next time......

I know that there is a very good chance that Turtle will not have Downs Syndrome, but the "What If?" is there. It cannot be taken away with words about how wonderful children and people with Downs are, how loving, how totally innocent, and how beautiful their spirits are... I already know that, but it is different when it is YOUR child, when you have to wonder about how you will provide for the every medical and emotional need of a child who may very well be so mentally challenged that they will never function in society. That they may never comprehend how much they are wanted and loved. That we may spend the rest of our lives raising a "baby". So while I know that the odds are for us, I also cannot stop thinking about the ways in which our lives would drastically change should this scan show that we have a very special Turtle coming into our lives.

I guess what I want back is that Blissful Ignorance that was stolen from me so many years ago, and seems to elude me yet again at every turn. I want to belong to the pregnant women clan who all love to shop at Babies*R*Us, and maternity stores in the mall. I want to join the clan that hasn't had to have 10 ultrasounds by the time they are 17 weeks just to make sure the baby is still alive, hell I want to be in the group who didn't have to shoot up everyday 3 times a day just to get my fucking ovaries to do what they are SUPPOSED to do in the first place, and an abdomen that isn't so full of scar tissue that the only way for me to have embryo's get to my womb is through a plastic catheter. It isn't fair that we have had to fight so damn hard just to have Turtle growing in my body, and it isn't fair that any of us Infertiles have to fight, but most of all it isn't fair that we all have to walk around praying that we were "normal" and having our Blissful Ignorance stolen from us!!!


By the way, I have an OB appointment on Tuesday with an U/S to check that clot, and my Level II is scheduled for the 24th (Friday), please say a little prayer that I can make it through this week with out totally losing my damn mind, as close to the edge as I am right now, I am holding on with all that I have.

1 in 48 chance...

of Downs Syndrome..... Kick me while I am down why don't they???

Dr. ManHands herself called with the news.... wants us to do either the Amnio or a Level II ASAP. Both the other screens were negative, so she said that was good, but she is very concerned with the Downs part.... no really you think?? So the rest of my night has been shit. I am to the point where I am hating fucking Tuesdays because all the bad news I get about Turtle comes on a damn Tuesday.

I talked it over with Clark, and I think we will do the Level II first and if that isn't good then go with the Amnio. I can honestly say I don't know what I will do if it comes down to Turtle having Downs. Clark says that he can deal, but I am not so sure that I can. Just for the record if anyone even thinks about leaving a negative comment about my last sentance, you can kiss my ass.

I will let you know as soon as I can when the scan will be......

Crap......

Well, I had to take a day to absorb my OB appointment before I could update.

I was just scheduled to see the Midwife. Got there right on time, went back,

Weight- 145
Fasting Glucose- 73
B/P- 100/60
Turtles HR- 150's

So, I tell the midwife that I had been cramping a little, and had a little bit of spotting in the AM yesterday. Then I told her that that pain on the left side was still there. Well, about then she started getting worried and said that they were going to do an U/S just to check on the pain to see just what it was. So off I got to the U/S room, get jelled up, see the Turtle, and the tech looked over to the left side, asked me if I had had Endo before I got pregnant, and I told her that yes I had.... She told me that this was going to hurt but that she had to do it... so she pressed really hard on the left side and goes "Hmm" I asked her what, and she said well your left ovary is totally adhered to the side of your uterus!!! Great!!! Doesn't that just freaking figure??!! So she looked over the Turtle again, and did a bunch of measurements told me baby is right on track. I thought that I saw something funny when she was looking, and asked her why it looked like there was a bulge, but she told me it was just the sac. So I get cleaned up, and back to the midwifes office, only to have her come in 2 minutes later and tell me that she HAS to take me to see the doc... Yeah guess who??? Right Dr. ManHands!!! Well less then a minute later in walks Dr. ManHands with a very odd look on her face.... you know the one that they give you when they have PITY written all over their faces?? She sits down and tells me that she has some bad news. There is a 7 cm blood clot in my uterus, and that it is pushing up on Turtle, and there may be some blood flow issues, but that right now there is nothing they can do but wait and see what happens. The clot is probably the result of the placenta partially abrupting, but they aren't sure. I am on complete bed rest now, and will be having visits every 2 weeks from here on out. I have a doppler so she told me to check the Turtle in the morning and then again at night, and if there is any change in the HR or not one at all then I am to call right away. I am also to call if I have ANY more bleeding period.

I spent most of today just crying and trying to process all this in my head as best as I could, but I still want to beat the hell out of "Hope". I am just going to have to take this day by day, and pray that everything works out. I only have 8 more weeks til 24 weeks, which is my goal for Turtle... Viability, and anything after that is golden, but I am not sure how this is going to pan out to be totally honest with you. I will post in a few more days after I get my thoughts together a little more.

Holdin my own....

For now anyway!!! Things have been a little busy here in the Infertile house, what with all the running around I have been doing. Just errands here and there, but stuff that has had to get done!! We bought a used van with a wheelchair lift in it for Kent, and my mom will be bringing it out in a week or so, so I had to get all the registration, insurance and tags done last week. We are also having to take a friend to court who owes us money, so that has had to be dealt with, not to mention my now weekly dental appointments to get some serous damage to my teeth fixed!!! That has been fun let me tell you!! NOT!!! I guess not getting enough fluoride when you are a kid IS a bad thing!!

We are now officially in the second trimester!!!! Thank GOD!!!! So far Turtle is doing fine. I rented a Doppler and it came the 16th, so now every night we check in on the little one to make sure all is well. He/She seems to prefer the left side of the ute, and I am almost always guaranteed to find the heartbeat right off, and in the same place!! Of course keeping the little turkey there is a different story.... seems that he/she knows when we are listening, and moves all over the place trying to hide!!! I have been having a lot of round ligament pain, and I have hours during the day when I can literally feel my uterus growing... it is just little pangs, but they go steady on one side for a few hours, and then like someone turned on a switch they move to the other side... it is really weird I tell you!!! The bizarre thing is that I still can't believe I am pregnant. It just isn't real to me, no matter how hard I try, I still feel like this is some evil prank from the heavens, and that any minute there will be a knock at the door, and that little shit from "Punked" will be on the other side laughing at me!!! I would have to kill him just so you all know!!!!

I went to see my P-Doc yesterday, and he said fine to the OB's recommendation to move to Pr*zac for the rest of this pregnancy, so I have begun the down dosing of one, and will start the Pr*zac next week, overlap for a week, and then be on just the Pr*zac. He also wants me to ask about the safety of another med to break a habit that I can't seem to do on my own. I actually begged him to refer me to a hypnotist, but he gave me this speech about wanting to do it deep down, and that it wouldn't work if I wasn't ready?? Not ready are you kidding me, the guilt alone over the whole thing is freaking killing me, so yeah I am ready!! I guess I will just have to find one on my own and pay out of pocket to see him!! UGH

I think my next OB appointment is the 9th, and I am going to strongly push for them to send me to a perinatologist. I am just bothered that they don't seem to be concerned enough that the outcome with Turtle be a good one. I have waited to long, and I am not going to let a lax group of docs put me or Turtle at risk. Between the Previa, the Acretia, growth restriction that could come with the Previa and Acretia, and the fact that I had Gastric Bypass 7 years ago, I really worry that this little one will get all it needs to be born healthy!!! So, right now that is my biggest source of frustration!! UGH!!!

So, that has been the last 10 days in a nutshell!!! See you all soon!! Oh BTW, I spent a lot of this last week catching up on blogs that I have been neglecting, so that is another reason for my absence!!!

I HATE BEING PREGNANT!!!!

Yeah that's right I said it!!!

Being pregnant SUCKS!!!

If it isn't one freaking problem it is another, and it is really getting old!!! The sad thing is the guilt in which I am encompassed every day for even saying the above statement!! After almost 15 years I have attained the goal that was so hard fought and won, and it is NOTHING like I expected it to be. I wanted to glow, be disgustingly cute, and overjoyed!! HA!!! I will let you know when that time comes I promise!! This 13 weeks has been so long that I cannot imagine another 27 weeks of it and honestly think there are days when I may not make it to the end.

We had a very terrible week last week as I woke up the morning of the 8th passing some pretty good sized clots, no active bleeding just clots. So I get Clark up, call the OB nurse, and she tells me to get to the ER ASAP. We drove the 40 minutes to the hospital, sat there for an hour and a half just to get triaged, and then waited another 30 minutes to get a room. Well the first thing I see when I walk in are some folders hanging on the wall, and the top one is labeled "Fetal Death Worksheet"... I looked at Clark and just started bawling, and told him that was a really shitty place for that!! So after almost 3 hours of waiting, a lot of blood letting, and a pelvic exam, in whisks the doc of the hour, does a 30 second U/S and these were his exact words, "Baby is moving, has a heart beat, don't see anything to keep you here". No shit!! no "Lets try to find out where the blood came from," just an ok, you can go now!!! So 8 hours, 2 blown veins, and a script for pains meds, and I am on my way home!!! What a fucking JOKE!!!

Well, Monday I had a long dental appointment, and called the OB nurse after to tell her how things went. She decided after I told her that I was still spotting to get me in the next day instead of the appt. I had for the 12th. So Clark and I head in to the office the next day, the 10th, after lunch, and are ushered right into the U/S room. The tech tells us that she has a bunch of measurements that she has to do, and then we can peek at the Turtle. She got done, and we looked.... There was little Turtle having a ball, moving all over the place, H/R of 182, arms up over his/her head like a Soccer Hooligan yelling "Score!!", and looking quite like one of the aliens from the Movie "Mars Attacks"!!! We got pics, and were sent off to see the doc. I was pulled in for urine, BP, and weight. Glucose in my urine, B/P was 110/60, and weight was 141... all good until she says to me.." Did the U/S tech discuss your scan with you??" Uh no.... "Well, the doc will talk to you about it then." So then I start freaking out about what the hell that could mean, and I was right to worry..... I have Complete Placenta Previa with possible inner uterine growth. Sounds like fun huh?? Well, the doc says maybe it will move but he doesn't think so, and the chances of a c-section are pretty much 100%, because the placenta looks to be growing into my uterus..... So that also means a possible 75% chance of a Hysterectomy when Turtle is born to save my life, if we make it that far, because there is a good chance that I could abrupt at any time killing Turtle, and possibly me all at the same time... So, does that justify me hating being pregnant enough????

You know I went into this whole IVF thing knowing the risks, but I never thought that it would get this bad. I could lose my life, and the life of my unborn child, just because I was so damn desperate to have a baby of my own. Yeah well look how that little bit of greed turned around to bite me in the ass!!! So needless to say, my days are spent very close to a) the phone and b) the couch. I am not allowed to do much of anything at all to avoid an abruption, including going to the movies or out to eat, so I have become a prisoner in my home!!! Clark has been great, but I know the whole thing is stressing him out as he watches me slip further into a deep depression over the whole thing. Kent has been good to, he passed summer school, and when he is home, he helps me with everything. Kinda funny, I used to have to take care of him 24 hours a day and now the roles are reversed!!

I can tell you that my brain is getting even with me on a regular basis with the most horrid and vivid dead baby dreams I think I could ever have... I have woken up shaking and screaming from a few this week... I have a feeling the news that we got on Tuesday has just compounded my fears though and that is my sub conscious' way of dealing with it.

My hair is falling out by the hand fulls to, but the doc said not to worry!! HA, soon I am going to look like a freaking Chemo patient if it doesn't stop!! I think the only good thing that has come out of this pregnancy so far is the fact that my mom is so scared over all of it that she is coming out to visit for a few weeks. She is just as terrified that something terrible is going to happen as the rest of us are, and not having seen each other in 3 years she decided to come on out!!

So I guess I won't make any false promises about when I will update again, as frankly I don't know when it will be... But should anything drastic happen, I will be sure to let you all know... Hugs for now!!

Here is the Turtle...

Hopefully He/She will look a lot different by the time it's born!! LOL

Drama, Oh The Drama.....

Yeah, Yeah I know I did it again... I swear I have a really good excuse though!! Meet Turtle!!!

Turtle is fine, and growing right on target. I had my first OB appointment on the 14th, and I hated the doc that I saw... Clark calls her Dr. ManHands!! She spent half of the visit arguing with me about the medications that I was on, and why I was on them. She said she had never heard of M*tformin being used to treat insulin resistance in PCOS patients... ok and this office does some infertility treatments. Then her other thing was my choice of antidepressants, telling me that there is a terrible risk to the Turtle if I don't get off them right away, well I told her that the RE and my Pdoc put a lot of thought and discussion into what meds they wanted me on, and this was the one we chose, but if she has such a big issue with it then I will ask him to change me!! Good Grief!! She then went on having an issue with the Cystic Fibrosis test that we turned down, never mind that ins doesn't pay for it, and it is a $400.00 test. I told her that we have had all the genetic testing done, and everything came back fine, so there was really no point in doing this test. After all that, we did the exam, and I mentioned to her about all the pain I am having on the left side, and that the RE told me to make sure that they checked it out if I was still having issues with it. She told me that all pregnant women get pain in their ovaries, and that I was just being to sensitive since this was my first baby!!! Needless to say I was so pissed off when I checked out I asked for another doc the next time I go. You have to see all the docs in the practice anyway, but she is one I am going to try very hard to stay the hell away from.

We did get a quick peek at Turtle that day, but only because the U/S tech called my last name, but I wasn't the one she was looking for. We got in the room, and she says, after she has goo all over my belly, "My you are hiding that 18 weeks really well!!" I looked at Clark and said to her well that could be because I am only 8 weeks not 18. So she looked for 3 seconds let us hear the heart beat and then kicked us out!! Funny thing is there were 4 pregnant women in there that day with the same last name, so she really should call by the first and last name ya think???

So I get out of there thinking and praying that I never have to see Dr. ManHands again right?? Wrong, by Saturday night I had what I now know to be the WORST FREAKING yeast infection I have ever had in my life. Well I was thinking something was not right because I used a treatment on Sunday, Monday it was worse, and I was running a fever. Did I forget to mention that their office doesn't used disposable speculum's?? Oh yeah they don't. So I call to get an appointment for Monday afternoon, and... yep you guessed it, Dr. ManHands!!! She comes in, looks at me, and says "Didn't I just see you last week??" Not skipping a beat I looked right back at her and said "Yeah, and I would really like to know what you gave me while I was here!!" Well, the exam didn't take long, and she said that it was indeed a yeast infection, and that I could just get another OTC treatment and that should take care of it. It did to, but I tell you that was just horrible!!

Yesterday I was scheduled for my actually U/S, and it went great!! I was so scared that I had been having nightmares for 3 days before the actual thing. Turtle was moving arms and legs, heartbeat was nice and strong. I actually got to hear the heartbeat really well this time, and I was soooo excited. I cannot even begin to tell you how it feels, unreal is the word that still comes to mind, to know that there is this little person inside me growing more and more everyday, after waiting so long it really feels like I am walking around in a dream. The only thing that even makes it remotely real to me is the U/S pictures that I can look at all day long!! To be honest, it makes me feel almost lost in a sense, until now I had treatments to look forward to, plan, and get through, but now I am just sitting here patiently (OK not really) waiting for some small sign that everything is going well. I am really having denial issues, and feeling like I have lost my identity as an Infertile with Turtle being in there. How do you turn off or turn down the volume on something that has been a noise in your head since you can remember?? How do you just sit back and feel relieved, and think about the future when all that you know has changed with one little being?? If anyone out there knows can you clue me in, or sell me your map to the land of "Holy Shit I am Actually Freaking Pregnant"??

Ok, so part 2 of why I have been gone so much... Kent has lost his mind here recently, and I have been struggling to deal with him without killing him!!! We found out that he has to go to summer school because he failed the make up math test for the end of the year, no big deal really so did almost half of the 8th grade, but then home comes report card, and he got an F in Social Studies. Well, he had no explanation for why so I told him that I would just have to call the teacher. He wasn't worried about it, or didn't seem to be, until I caught him trying to sneak his progress report (that I never say back in May) out with his trash. I was livid that he had a 59% in that class 5 weeks before school ended and I never even got a call from the teacher, not a word!! So I called the teacher the next day and asked him what the deal was, and he told me that Kent had handed in a report (that he had known about for 7 months, and that I had asked him about at least once a week) 2 1/2 weeks late, and that it was very poorly written. He then goes on to tell me that the kids were given the option to redo the report in 2 weeks and hand it back in for an improved grade... do you think Kent did any of that??? Nope handed it right back in just like he had gotten it back from the teacher!!! Well, he then tells me that Kent also got an F for his 9 weeks test because he had given the kids an essay that was to be 3-5 pages long on all that they had learned that 9 weeks about WWII. Well, my wonderful, honor roll, Junior Beta Club kid hands in a page and a half of drivel over a week late. I am so at a loss with him right now, and of course you know when I confronted him and asked him what was going on, he blamed it all on me being pregnant and the baby!! Clark went off and told him that I wasn't even pregnant when he handed all that crap in late the first time, so that wasn't a valid reason for any of his problems. He has admitted that he is jealous, and that he doesn't really want this baby... LOL like he has much that he can do about it now.... other then drive me crazy. I think that he is just so used to having his way, and having us to himself all the time for the last 5 1/2 years that he thinks anyone else in this house but the 3 of us is going to cramp his style, even though I told him that he is the only one doing that with all the lying and doing poorly in school!! Ack Teenagers!!! Guess this is getting me ready for the next one huh??!!

Well, back to the drama that has been my life. My next OB appt. isn't until the 12th of July, so I will be sitting here waiting for that!!! UGH why does it have to take 9 freaking months to have a baby???

Bad News, Good News.....

Well, it has been a heck of a long time since I have told you guys I was alive... well, I am!!

Yesterday was our first Viability scan, and we have lost one of the twins, but the other baby is doing VERY well and had a strong heartbeat. I am measuring 2 days ahead, and they released me to my OB.

So the reason that I have been gone so long is that I am still on bed rest due to all of the spotting and pain on my left side, and frankly I have been so depressed. That was not one of the things that I thought I was going to have to deal with... you know get pregnant after all those years of trying and be ecstatic for nine months right?? Wrong!! I am still stuck in surreal land, and am almost to the point of denial to be honest with you. I think I was just kidding the hell out of myself that I could get over all the years of hurt, anger and frustration with one positive beta, but that hasn't been the case at all. I am actually very surprised at myself to be totally honest, and that is what bothers me the most, I thought I knew myself better then this, but I guess not. I was waiting for the other shoe to fall, everyday and still am, and to tell the truth it pisses me off that I cannot just be happy about all of this. Clark and Kent are so very excited, and having fun with the whole thing, but I just cannot wrap my heart around this baby yet. I feel like a jackass!!

There has been some other stress going on to... Kent failed his end of year math test, but then so did 57% of the 8th grade... well hell what does that tell ya?? He will get a chance to retake to tomorrow, and I pray to God that he will pass because if he doesn't, he will repeat the 8th grade again next year. He got his heart broken by the girl he took to the 8th grade dance, and has been mopping around for almost a week with no signs of stopping... good lord how can you love someone so much when you have seen them like 5 times??? He is such a sensitive little guy, and I feel bad because I was the one who told him to tell her how he felt!! Ugh my Bad!! the good thing that came out of it was when Clark told him see I told you not to listen to your mom, he looked right at his dad and said "I will not be one of those guys who stuffs his feelings!" One point for Mom!! He is a great kid, but still struggles alot with his emotions... but then he is a male!!!

Our porch is done, so thank God there will be no more banging on the house at 7 AM, even though my Fetal alarm clock "Turtle" Will not let me sleep past 5 AM anymore!! Little turkey!! Things other then the spotting are going ok, I have only managed to hurl once, but still have the nausea most of the day. Like I said above the pain on my left side is still pretty bad, so the RE told me to make sure the OB checks it again to make sure there is no ectopic there just in case. She couldn't even find it when she looked yesterday, so it was off somewhere floating in neverland!! I made my first OB appointment for the 14th of this month. I already know they are a great practice as I went there a few times with the friend who had her baby in April. They know my RE, and have worked with that clinic a lot, so that makes me happy.

I am going to try to be around more often, but I don't know how that will work. I tried to talk Clark into getting me a laptop, so that I could type from bed, but it was a no go!! Bummer. So, I will try as often as I can!! Thanks to all of you for the supportive e-mails, it really means the world to me!! Hugs and Kisses!!!!

Slightly Overwhelmed...

Well, I had my follow-up on Friday, and for the most part all went well. The U/S showed one very big embryo with a yolk sac. We had a really hard time seeing Twinkie #2, but she said it is still there just that she didn't want to do a lot of poking around in there which was FINE with me!!! I have still been having a lot of pain and some spotting off and on, so I am now off work indefinitely. The job is pissed, but I told the lady I am not doing anything to risk losing these babies!! I told them that we were doing IVF when they hired me, and I cannot help it that the rest of the aides that work for them suck!! I love the couple that I work with, but they are very emotionally demanding, and draining, even though I only work 3 hours a day it feels like 10 by the time I leave!!! So they are upset to because they told me that they just KNEW that when I got pregnant I was going to abandon them... I had told them at the time that being pregnant wasn't going to stop me from working, and barring any unforeseen circumstances that I would be with them until I delivered. Well, since all that has changed now, they are making me feel very guilty, and I really hate that. I feel like shit about leaving, but then I am not going to lose the one thing in the world that I have tried so hard and so long for!! In a way it pisses me off that they would all put them selves before the lives of my children, and it seems rather selfish if you ask me!!

Thursday was a really bad day here in the Infertile house because one of our "babies" was sick, so I rushed her to the vet to find out that she had pancreatitus, and would have to stay over night. Now I raised this little one (OK not so little she weighs 110 pounds) since she was 24 hours old, and she has NEVER been away from home. Leaving her was very hard, but the vet said that we caught it before it got to bad which was a good thing. When he called me Friday morning he told me that she could come home later that afternoon. When we got there he told us that she was a very smart girl... when they put her in the kennel Thursday, within minutes, she had figured out how to open the door, and was trying to get out every time they weren't looking. When they left for the night they put some blankets in for her and decided to bungee cord the door shut just in case... Well, when they came in the next morning she had ripped out her IV, tore every blanket up, opened the door, and shoved the blanket through it trying to get out!!! He said it was the funniest thing that he has ever seen, and that she just gave him the biggest sad eyes and sigh when he walked in and saw her!!! He sent her home with us Friday afternoon on some special food ( 60 bucks all total) and 3 different medications.. poor baby!!!

Pregnancy issues:

Are we supposed to pee this freaking much?? OMG, I need a toilet connected to my ass!!! Just kidding, I know we pee this much, but it is getting pretty irritating running to the bathroom all the time!!!!

I have boobs!! I lost them after I had Gastric Bypass, but the girls are alive and well again!!!

OHSS when you are pregnant SUCKS!!!!! I have issues eating most anything because of the swelling, so I know I am starving, but eating just makes me miserable. The bloating is almost as bad as it was with my last cycle... My size 10's (which were way to big) are now to tight for my rapidly expanding belly, so I went and bought some Large men's Boxers from Wally World today, and I am now in heaven!!!!

Constipation has reached an interesting point... it is parked right in the middle of my colon, and REFUSES to move, even Colace and Metformin every day isn't helping much... I swear I already know what it is going to feel like to give birth!!!

Exhaustion has also hit a whole new level, I mean really, I need 2 to 3 naps a day just to make it to bed by 9 PM. Clark thinks I am yanking his chain that I am really that tired... LOL when I fell asleep at the computer yesterday afternoon he finally believed me!! BTW, drool can ruin a keyboard, not to mention the marks the keys will leave on your face!!!

Now mind you these aren't complaints, just observations from a first time pregnant person!! Good thing my SIL sent me Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy, I laughed so hard at the RE's office yesterday I got a few dirty looks!! But, if you haven't read it yet, you HAVE to get it, she is sooooo funny, Raw to the core, but funny!!

My next U/S is scheduled for the 4Th of June ( our 13Th wedding anniversary) and I am so looking forward to it. I will be 6 weeks 6 days, and am hoping to see those little hearts just fluttering away!! I am off to bed for the night, I hope that you all have a fantastic Memorial Day!!!