June 5, 2007

Bad News, Good News.....

Well, it has been a heck of a long time since I have told you guys I was alive... well, I am!!

Yesterday was our first Viability scan, and we have lost one of the twins, but the other baby is doing VERY well and had a strong heartbeat. I am measuring 2 days ahead, and they released me to my OB.

So the reason that I have been gone so long is that I am still on bed rest due to all of the spotting and pain on my left side, and frankly I have been so depressed. That was not one of the things that I thought I was going to have to deal with... you know get pregnant after all those years of trying and be ecstatic for nine months right?? Wrong!! I am still stuck in surreal land, and am almost to the point of denial to be honest with you. I think I was just kidding the hell out of myself that I could get over all the years of hurt, anger and frustration with one positive beta, but that hasn't been the case at all. I am actually very surprised at myself to be totally honest, and that is what bothers me the most, I thought I knew myself better then this, but I guess not. I was waiting for the other shoe to fall, everyday and still am, and to tell the truth it pisses me off that I cannot just be happy about all of this. Clark and Kent are so very excited, and having fun with the whole thing, but I just cannot wrap my heart around this baby yet. I feel like a jackass!!

There has been some other stress going on to... Kent failed his end of year math test, but then so did 57% of the 8th grade... well hell what does that tell ya?? He will get a chance to retake to tomorrow, and I pray to God that he will pass because if he doesn't, he will repeat the 8th grade again next year. He got his heart broken by the girl he took to the 8th grade dance, and has been mopping around for almost a week with no signs of stopping... good lord how can you love someone so much when you have seen them like 5 times??? He is such a sensitive little guy, and I feel bad because I was the one who told him to tell her how he felt!! Ugh my Bad!! the good thing that came out of it was when Clark told him see I told you not to listen to your mom, he looked right at his dad and said "I will not be one of those guys who stuffs his feelings!" One point for Mom!! He is a great kid, but still struggles alot with his emotions... but then he is a male!!!

Our porch is done, so thank God there will be no more banging on the house at 7 AM, even though my Fetal alarm clock "Turtle" Will not let me sleep past 5 AM anymore!! Little turkey!! Things other then the spotting are going ok, I have only managed to hurl once, but still have the nausea most of the day. Like I said above the pain on my left side is still pretty bad, so the RE told me to make sure the OB checks it again to make sure there is no ectopic there just in case. She couldn't even find it when she looked yesterday, so it was off somewhere floating in neverland!! I made my first OB appointment for the 14th of this month. I already know they are a great practice as I went there a few times with the friend who had her baby in April. They know my RE, and have worked with that clinic a lot, so that makes me happy.

I am going to try to be around more often, but I don't know how that will work. I tried to talk Clark into getting me a laptop, so that I could type from bed, but it was a no go!! Bummer. So, I will try as often as I can!! Thanks to all of you for the supportive e-mails, it really means the world to me!! Hugs and Kisses!!!!


Samantha said...

I'm really sorry about the loss of one of your twins. It's no wonder you feel bad. Between that and pain in your side, it's not exactly like your pregnancy is going textbook perfect. It always seems so unfair to me that people struggle so hard to get pregnant, and then staying pregnant becomes just as much of a struggle!

I hope you'll get off bedrest soon and things be good and normal for your baby!

Heidi said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know any infertile women who could be completely happy when they get pregnant...not at first. Its normal to feel the way you do. It will get better as the pregnancy progresses and it gradually becomes more real.