February 5, 2009

Stunned Silence

Many times I have sat and wondered how much more he would take of this whole IF journey, and last night I found out.

As we cuddled on the couch after putting Turtle to bed, I mentioned to Clark that I had been looking into maybe doing acupuncture with this next cycle. In the moment after the comment left my mouth, I felt him tense up. I looked up at him, and he asked me..

"When is enough going to be enough?? I really hate what these drugs do to you, to us. Why can't you just be happy with the Turtle?? I honestly don't see you convincing me to do this again."

I had no words, and I got up before he could see my tears fall.

I stood in the kitchen and pulled out the PIO, loaded up the syringe, and then counted out my pills for the night. The tears were running down my face, and I knew if he saw them it would only prove his point.

He came into the kitchen and hugged me from behind. I have to admit that it wasn't as reassuring as I would have liked it to have been. I just turned to him and told him that I didn't have any answers for him right now.

After my shot, I sat in the dark in the living room and wept.

I knew he would reach the end, and I knew it would be before I did, I just didn't count on it being yesterday. I'm not there yet. I don't think I will be until it is forced to be over.

Beta is in the morning, and I have been working on my next cycle for 3 days now... contemplating. What can we change. What needs to stay the same... and so on. I know it is going to be negative, and in my heart and head I need to think about the next time in order to make it through the hurt and devastation that will come with the ringing of the phone tomorrow afternoon.

How can I make him understand what is in my heart?? How can I get him to see that I want more of what we have with Turtle. She has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I want and need more. I have said it before that I am addicted to this little girl, I would give my life for hers, and now that I have her, I cannot imagine the rest of my life without more.

I have actually been angry with myself a few times because I do know how content Clark is with just the Turtle, and I have asked myself why can't I just let it go. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. My heart answers me with no response.

It can't, it is in stunned silence to.

19 comments:

Kristin said...

I have no word...just lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}}.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

momofonefornow said...

This sucks, sucks, sucks!!!

I wish I had words for this but I don't. It just sucks.

Soxy Deb said...

Oh Reb... I know this must be tearing you up inside. You two will get through it and come through on the other side. It just may mean you have to do some soul searching your not quite prepared to do yet.
I hope you can find some comfort soon.
{HUGS}

Tracey said...

I am so sorry! Prayers are wit you!

Erin said...

I think the hardest thing for anyone who loves you is to watch you do something you want more than anything, not get it, and feel powerless to help you. I wonder if his motivation for saying that (at least in part) comes from just wishing there was something else he could do but knowing there's not.

It might be a good time to talk to someone. Since infertility is so emotionally-charged, on both sides, it's hard to have a conversation in which you both really listen to each other. You really want to keep going and trying. He really wants to stop. A counselor might help you figure out how you two can come to a consensus together.

Many, many hugs from me. I know it's breaking your heart to hear that and suddenly all of those plans are up in the air.

Dora said...

Oh, sweetie! I wish I knew what to say. But I have faith that you two will work this out.

What about just doing a frozen cycle next? So much easier on your body.

Kahla said...

(((HUGS))) I wish I had answers, a way to make it easier for you. My thoughts are with you and my heart breaks for you. Maybe w/a little time he will change his mind. I so understand everything you feel and I think it just a natural thing. ((HUGS))

Joey's Mama said...

(((Rebel))) I'm sorry he caught you by surprise like that :*( I think what provided closure for me was knowing we had no infertility coverage and we just couldn't throw any more money at it. I won't lie and say it is not still hard at times, but I know it has to be over so I have accepted it the best I can. I hate that he is an only child, but I swore I would never let my heart ache like that again. I just can't. I hold on to the memory of those dr's telling me to give up 8 years ago and my stubborness in not listening to them - and that's what pulls me through. That and my precious son's kisses. E-mail me if you want to talk some more.

Joey's Mama said...

(((Rebel))) I'm sorry he caught you by surprise like that :*( I think what provided closure for me was knowing we had no infertility coverage and we just couldn't throw any more money at it. I won't lie and say it is not still hard at times, but I know it has to be over so I have accepted it the best I can. I hate that he is an only child, but I swore I would never let my heart ache like that again. I just can't. I hold on to the memory of those dr's telling me to give up 8 years ago and my stubborness in not listening to them - and that's what pulls me through. That and my precious son's kisses. E-mail me if you want to talk some more.

Janie said...

Came over via...oh, heck, I don't know how I got here!

But now, I'm praying for you!

Lorraine said...

I have been there, and all I can say is that it isn't necessarily a permanent condition. I think men are more easily frustrated and emotionally short-term creatures, and the end of a disappointing cycle is the worst time for them to be optimistic or enthusiastic about anything that might be negative in the future. It was always easier for my husband to try to put a positive spin on the things he could count on - we have each other! we have a child we adore! - than to gear up for more uncertainty and get his hopes dashed again.

I hope you can figure it out together.

Lost in Space said...

Hugs, Rebel. I wish I knew what to say. We all seem to move through this at different paces and sometimes are just out of sync. I will be praying the 2 of you can find a way to satisfy both of your hearts. I'm sorry, sweetie.

Rhonda said...

I'm so sorry.

Just Me. said...

I'm so sorry. Men think very differently from us. I hope you guys will figure this out together and come to a resolution that both of you will be happy with.

Huge hugs

Poison Ivy said...

(((BIG HUGS)))
Follow your heart, sweetie, it will never steer you wrong. Talk with Clark and go at this together what ever which way it may lead.
You know we all are here to support you!

xoxoxoxooxox

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm so sorry, and I have no words.

((hugs))

Kibbles said...

I'm so sorry Rebel.

I think Erin is right-on here.

He can't stand seeing you wanting something so badly and being unable to fix it for you.

Its excruciating to watch someone you love suffer..he just wants it to stop!

Does he read this blog?
It gives a lot of insight into your motivation..

My Reality said...

I hope you are both on the same page soon.

If he read this post, do you think it would help him understand why you want to do this?