Many times I have sat and wondered how much more he would take of this whole IF journey, and last night I found out.
As we cuddled on the couch after putting Turtle to bed, I mentioned to Clark that I had been looking into maybe doing acupuncture with this next cycle. In the moment after the comment left my mouth, I felt him tense up. I looked up at him, and he asked me..
"When is enough going to be enough?? I really hate what these drugs do to you, to us. Why can't you just be happy with the Turtle?? I honestly don't see you convincing me to do this again."
I had no words, and I got up before he could see my tears fall.
I stood in the kitchen and pulled out the PIO, loaded up the syringe, and then counted out my pills for the night. The tears were running down my face, and I knew if he saw them it would only prove his point.
He came into the kitchen and hugged me from behind. I have to admit that it wasn't as reassuring as I would have liked it to have been. I just turned to him and told him that I didn't have any answers for him right now.
After my shot, I sat in the dark in the living room and wept.
I knew he would reach the end, and I knew it would be before I did, I just didn't count on it being yesterday. I'm not there yet. I don't think I will be until it is forced to be over.
Beta is in the morning, and I have been working on my next cycle for 3 days now... contemplating. What can we change. What needs to stay the same... and so on. I know it is going to be negative, and in my heart and head I need to think about the next time in order to make it through the hurt and devastation that will come with the ringing of the phone tomorrow afternoon.
How can I make him understand what is in my heart?? How can I get him to see that I want more of what we have with Turtle. She has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I want and need more. I have said it before that I am addicted to this little girl, I would give my life for hers, and now that I have her, I cannot imagine the rest of my life without more.
I have actually been angry with myself a few times because I do know how content Clark is with just the Turtle, and I have asked myself why can't I just let it go. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. My heart answers me with no response.
It can't, it is in stunned silence to.
What’s the word for one step past kintsukuroi?
5 hours ago