Where I was... Where I am...

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a very similar place as I am this very day.

Failed Cycle.

Trying to figure out what comes next.

Clark and I started talking again last night. He is worried about several things:

Prozac doesn't seem to be controlling my Bi-Polar, and he is very concerned about my severe mood swings. I get it, and I tried to explain to him that it doesn't help that my body isn't used to a regular amount of hormones, not to mention the massive doses that I have to be on for IVF. I really don't think that it has been helping me much at all anymore, so it is time to go back and get on something different again.

He doesn't like the way my moods affect him and the kids. I get that, I don't like the way they affect me for crying out loud. He hates that when I get sad after a bad cycle then the baby seems to pick up on it, and as he put it to me "I like having a very happy baby, and when you get like that, she isn't."

We fight a lot when I am cycling. I think it is because I lose my tolerance for the day to day BS that goes on in the house, and I need things to just roll along as smooth as possible... ha that never happens.

He is concerned that I cannot spend 3 days on bed rest like I did when we did our IVF that got us Turtle. I worry about that to, but I didn't have an active toddler in May of 07, and I do now. Not to mention the fact that I can't stay down, I feel driven to take care of her if I am here, no matter if there is another person who can do it.

He thinks I am missing out on all of the cute little and big things that the Turtle does because I am so consumed with having another. Consumed is the OctoMom, not me. I know I have mental limits. I know my body has physical limits. I can accept those limits, I don't want to, but if forced to then I will.

I have been Proing and Coning in my mind and my heart for the last few days, and I just cannot get past the fear that I am feeling. It is fear of so many different things....

1. Failure of another cycle, because this one would be our last try.
2. Scared of hating Clark for not letting me try again.
3. Scared of hating myself for not pushing to do what my heart really wants to do.
4. Hating my heart for wanting something so bad that I cannot resolve it in my brain.
5. This one may not make sense to some of you, but being kinda mad that the Turtle is so great, because she is the main reason I want to have more. She has been the light that makes my days worth it, every single one of them. I want to have more. I want to have all of the moments with another child that we have had with her. Watching her grow has been the most amazing and rewarding thing I have ever been part of.

We were watching the Turtle play last night, and Clark said to me...

"Isn't she just the most amazing thing?"

"Yes I really think she is." I replied hiding the tears that had been welling.

"I totally get why you want more now that we have her, but that still doesn't mean that I think it is a good idea to do IVF again."

End of conversation.

My heart has been aching, and I find myself close to tears most of the day.

Two years ago, I didn't let failure stop me, but now I am not so sure that I have the strength to fight the battle again, or really if I even want to.